Hey Guys! I am so sorry it has taken me this long to update! I had to make a quick unexpected trip to my sister in spain - it did put me behind :P
Thanks to everyone who reviewed my last 2 chapters! This is a long one, i think its the longest one I have ever written in 1 night!
Some of the ideas in this chapter were made a 1000 times better by RJMoonspell - who kindly personal messaged me and told me some amazing amazing ways to better this chapter, including a new character, and an adaption to what i had written for the confrontation- I hope that I did your fantastic ideas justice!
So this chapter is dedicated to RJMoonspell (and my newborn baby Nephew the reason you guys had to wait so long for a post) xoxo
The music pounded loudly through the new club, Ryan had been waiting a long time outside in the queue to get in, he knew that Courtney was already inside with her model friend that she had came with. It annoyed Ryan that he had let down his daughter to go out again to another noisy club, but he rarely ever goes out and with him and Courtney getting more serious, he thought he should make that extra effort. Ottilie had gone with Julie quietly, she had her arms folded and the stern Atwood look on her face, at least everyone tells Ryan its an Atwood look, but he is certain that she is Marissa's double. The club was dark and loud, there were people everywhere, trying to talk over the already loud music, increasing the volume. As the lights were dimmed he strained to find Courtney at the area she said she was at. Ryan blinked, he saw a woman, she was tall, thin, had a mix of blonde to brown hair and she was exactly like Marissa. Sadly this woman didn't possess the life in her eyes like Marissa had, she looked lonely and like she hadn't eaten in days, there was no passion in her smile that would make your heart melt, but she could have been Marissa's double. Ryan blinked again convinced that his eyes were playing tricks on him. It couldn't be his Marissa, she would never show up again, she didn't want to be in their lives, she didn't love them anymore. All of Ryan's attention was used solely on this one woman, she felt his gaze and turned to face him, her expression resembled his, confused and partially shocked. 'It can't be' Ryan thought to himself as people shoved and walked between his eye line with the girl, he felt a tap on his shoulder and was met with an already drunk Courtney. She pulled him close to her and kissed him hard on the lips, Ryan could already taste the alcohol and cigarettes. 'great' he thought.
All Ryan could think all the way through the kiss was about the girl sitting a few feet from him. She was so like Marissa, he could see Ottilie in her. 'Stop thinking it, she's not here, she will never come back'
Marissa sat uncomfortably in the club, already bored and wanting to leave, she had spent way to long living this sort of life already, the celebrity life, where you are always recognised, followed, stalked. You never have the normality back, you can never be your won person, the world is always watching, and always waiting for you to fall. She sat there patiently and smiled when she had too, Jake was talking to some guys who had recognised him, Marissa envied him, she was comfortably with being recognised where she, hated the scrutiny and wanted her normal life. Then there was the pathetic excuse for a magazine editor sitting next to her. She had followed Marissa around all day like a bad smell to a homeless man. She was always incessantly asking Marissa questions, personal questions, ones that Marissa was sure would make the interview. Considering that she had a boyfriend joining them soon, it hadn't bothered her when she had agreed to dance with and make out with some investment banker from Ohio. Marissa could never understand why someone was faithful in a relationship, you don't commit yourself to one person entirely then keep a secret on the side. Although it was a bit like the pot calling the kettle black considering, she was certain that Jake was cheating on her and she was almost even more certain that there had been other girls before the current one. But she wasn't going to do anything about it, what was the point, she thought he loved her, and she was never going to find anyone she loved as much as a past life so she may as well stick it out. He also bought her security, the security that money can buy.
Marissa sat bored and looked amongst the busy crowd, Courtney had left her some fifteen minutes ago, not that Marissa minded, it was nice not to have a shadow for that short amount of time. Marissa nursed her Champagne, wishing it was something stronger when she thought she saw a familiar face. The man had piercing blue eyes that stared into her soul, he looked slightly older than the person she was comparing him too, although Marissa knew if she was ever to see him again, being a single parent would give him a weathered look. Marissa hastily put down her champagne glass. 'How many have I had?' She asked herself. Marissa looked again and couldn't see past all of the other people pushing and shoving their way through the crowd. Marissa could feel tears burning, she laughed at herself for being so immature. Even if that was Ryan, who she still loved more than anything, why would he run back to her, times have changed, she is no longer the same person as when she left them. She hated the knew Marissa Cooper.
"Hey Sexy" Courtney said as she played with the buttons on his shirt.
"What took you so long?" Ryan just blinked and tried to look over her shoulder casually to see if the woman was still there, unable to see past people dancing he was convinced more than ever that his eyes were playing tricks on him.
"Ermmm, O yeah, Ottilie wouldn't go without a fight and then I had to queue for ages outside"
"Whatevs, I don't care, that was more rhetorical. Anyway I would like you to meet a friend of mine," She took Ryan's hand and dragged him through a crowd. When she finally bought him to that secluded booth, she sunk down on the sofa, leaving Ryan shocked, angered and surprised.
"Marissa, this is my boyfriend, Ryan Atwood," He stood there gob smacked. He wanted to run, hide do anything to avoid this long awaited confrontation."
"Ryan this is my new best friend Marissa Cooper" He looked across at his former love, and she was again mirroring his expression, but maybe, just maybe he saw that spark re-ignite in her eyes.
Ryan stared in disbelief, his face as stern more stern than she had ever seen it. He had lost his look about him, not he looked stressed and unhappy. He shook his head and laughed to himself, not believing the far fetched situation that they all found themselves in. She felt like the walls were all closing in around her, she couldn't swallow and her breath was tight in her chest, she put her drink down on the table and tried to get up, tried to move, tried to run again from the situation.
"Court I'm going to the bar," he said at her as he turned around quickly and headed in search for some liquor.
He walked away, How dare she just show up again after all this time and pretend that nothing is wrong? What does she want from him, he can't just be there whenever she wanted him. They were over, she meant nothing to him. Marissa was long gone, this clone of her who is thinner and a lot tired round the eyes was not the girl he fell in love with, not the mother of his daughter. He felt a tap on his shoulder as he carried on walking.
"Just leave me alone Marissa"
"Marissa, why did you call me Marissa?" He turned around and was met with the hazel eyes of one of his closest friends.
"Erm, no reason" he answered gruffly,
"I will have 2 7 and 7's please" The bartender took his order and Ryan took a seat at the bar.
"You look a little tense, seem a little tense" Sarah said as she took note of Ryan downing his first drink, and quickly ordering more.
"Well I am ok,"
"Want to talk about it?" She asked him friendly, as she put her hand on his knee.
"No I really don't" To anybody they would look more than friends, especially the way that Courtney thinks of it, but really she knew lots about him, helped him, and was there for him if he should need her, not that he would ever call her and ask for her help, Ryan Atwood never leant on anybody else, he wasn't built that way.
"So partying hard tonight?" She said sarcastically as he downed yet another drink.
"Look I really don't need you fussing over me right now, I'm not in the mood"
"Ryan I know there is something that you are hiding and I know whatever it is its important, and you know that I am going to find out in the end so-"
"Just leave me alone ok please"
"Ryan," She said his name warningly treating him how he treats Ottilie when she wont eat her vegetables.
"She's back"
"Who is she?," she was silent for a minute while she tried to work out who he meant, suddenly by the expression on her face he could tell he had worked it out. Sarah looked behind them at the table he had emerged from to see a sad looking woman staring at Ryan, she looked familiar, like she had seen her before, she showed a striking resemblance to Ottilie, but it couldn't be possible, she looked like Marissa Cooper
"Oh my god" She said quietly as she looked at Ryan then at Marissa, Ryan nodded confirming her suspicions and Marissa's eyes started to water, not that anyone on her table noticed.
"Well what are you going to do?" Sarah questioned him,
"I don't know I haven't had time to think yet,"
"Well I think that you should think about it, I mean come on what if she wants Ottilie back or if she tells Courtney?"
"Let her, but she won't get anything from it,"
"But why didn't you ever tell me her full name? I mean, thats Marissa Cooper!" Sarah tried to protest
"I just need to be alone for a little while," He motioned for another drink, it had been a long time since he had pounded the drinks that hard, he thought he might have lost his touch, en fact the last time he did so was when he first met Sarah, he looked over at his close friend who had a worried look on her face whilst staring at Marissa. She had been there over the years, for him, helped him with Ottilie unlike others present.
"Lets not think about it, but you might want to lay off them for a while, you drinking isn't going to help the situation now is it? I haven't seen you go through this many drinks since that night" she hoped he would utter something to her to let her know exactly what he was thinking, not much has changed in a few years.
She saw the guy she had had her eyes on, he was casually drinking beer after beer at a booth that his friend had just vacated, she thought now might be time to move in for her kill so to speak. She walked casually over to the booth, swinging her hips, he seemed like he hadn't notice and carried on drinking his beer,
"Hey handsome" She purred, he looked up at her and she smiled at him seductively,
"I'm Sarah," instead of shaking his hand, she sat next to him on the plush leather sofas and gently kissed his cheek,
"Ryan" he said a bit stunned that someone he didn't know could be this forward, he really should get out more he thought
"So Ryan, why are we all alone tonight?" She asked him, she knew why she was, she had made herself available, not that she would tell him that, she had planned on 'running' into him for a few weeks, but all the times she had assumed he would go out, he never did. She heard on the grape vine that he lived off campus with family, but she didn't know what to believe, right here right now he didn't look like the 'family type'
"Im nottt not alone"
"O know," she whispers as she takes a swig of his drink and moves closer to him,
"Look Sara,"
"Sarah" she corrected him, as she went in for it and kissed him, it took him by surprise but he quickly got used to it as he kissed her back with just as much force, she moved quickly onto his lap not taking her lips from him. There kiss soon went from innocent and shy to hot and passionate, they both broke apart for air and she smiled at him hoping that things would lead to more
"Look Sarah"
"Don't ruin this come on, no talking"she kissed again with force and Ryan was too drunk to put up a fight
"I am really drunk"
"You say it like it's a bad thing, she said as she started to nibble his neck - thank god they were in a semi private booth.
"Well if you say so then why not" he continued kissing her for a while longer, eventually moving her t-shirt up and stroking the soft skin of her stomach. He broke apart quickly and looked at her wide eyed
"Look Sara,"
"Sarah" she repeated again agitatedly
"I am really drunk" he stated for the second time in a row
"I know you already said"
"Sorry I used to do that when I was really wasted,"
"yeah well, now its old news" she wouldn't waste her time with him if he wasn't so hot, he acted like he had never been drunk before, stumbling on his words and shaking his head.
"I think that's your phone," she said annoyed as she moved off of his lap to the seat, her legs still entwined with his.
"o right, I have,I have to erm take this Sara"
"Sarah" as he answered his cell and turned his back away from her.
"Ok, well how bad is it?" He asked into her phone, she suddenly become very interested in what he had to say,
"Ok well of course, yeah I will be home as soon as ok?"He put down his phone and shook his head, quick to get out of there,
"Everything ok" she asked pretending she wasn't listening intently to his private phone call
"Look I'm sorry but-"
"You have a girlfriend,"he stood up and tried to feel around for his keys
"No girlfriend - look I really need to get home" He seemed really panicked - the colour had washed from his face and she thought she saw his hands shaking. Suddenly more appealed to her than looks of this stranger.
"Look your in no state to drive, I will come on, where about's do you live?"
"West Hollywood Condos" She nodded and quickly followed him as he walked (not in a straight line) to the door of the club, he was murmuring something under is breath but she couldn't make out what he was saying, something about a sick otter, she thought. Once they were in the car, he tired ringing someone,
"How is she" Sarah laughed sardonically when she heard the 'she' part, of course he had a girlfriend.
"She wasn't like this this morning, there should be some of her medicine in my room, its got her name on the front, try opening the window and letting the cool air come in, and turn up the air conditioning in there, I am on my way now" He slammed the top of his phone down and sighed and rubbed his eyes.
"Is everything ok? With your girlfriend?" Sarah asked, somewhat disappointed at the fact he was already taken
"It's not my girlfriend, Actually hadn't had one of those in just over year"She didn't know why she was opening up to him, all she saw him was a random hook up, but he looked sad, worried and she wanted to try and help him, because he didn't look like he could handle whatever the news was on his own.
"Oh right sorry"
"Its nothing I mean she left me, actually a year ago today, the reason for the drinking"
"Oh I didn't know I wouldn't of.."
"I don't know why I am telling you any of this, Its not as if you care?"
"If you want to talk about it then you can, I don't mind"She actually did mind, but she wasnt about to let him get away because he hadn't gotten over an ex, she really did think he was hot,
"On the phone, it wasn't a girlfriend or anything, it was the babysitter,"
"Babysitter?" She asked him confused, he wasn't? was he?
"I know, its not a secret or anything, but I have a baby daughter, she's just over a year old, she's perfect" she watched the way his face lit up as he spoke about this baby.
"I never knew that about you, that you had a daughter"
"It;s not a secret, but people don;t need to know, anyway she has been really ill recently, she had what the doctors thought were some sort of chicken pox, and she gets really high fevers, and is really sick, I know I sound like a really bad parent just getting up and leaving her with the Nanny when she is sick but I couldn;t look at her and see Marissa, not today of all days."
"Totally I understand, So what's her name?"
"She's called Ottilie" Ryan said hazily, the affects of his stress and alcohol getting to him.
"Oh my god that is so pretty"She said as she turned a corner, nearing Ryan's house.
"Its hard sometimes but I am so completely in love with her, its just the weirdest thing, Sorry I bet you really don't want to hear my life story on your night out."
"No its fine honestly, my Mom's a therapist so listening its one of my many talents, who does Ottilie look like, you or her Mom?" Ryan's face changed at the name of her, Marissa isn't a Mom, but as sad to say, he is convinced that Ottilie is her double, with the eyes, to the hair, mannerisms, although others disagree.
"Sorry I didn't mean to pry, its totally none of my business"
"Its fine honestly, her Mom, my ex, Marissa, she is her double, or that's what I think anyway, but I suppose I am being bias" Ryan said as they approached his house and she reached for his phone
"Look, we should do this again sometime, I really like you Ryan, as a friend completely, and I can be there to help if you need anything, I don't know many people in LA and I am the eldest of 6 children, so I can handle babies"
"Thanks Sarah"
"You got my name right" She said as she typed her number into his phone, smiling at the picture of him and a baby dressed in pink.
"Well I'm not a total ass, thanks for the lift" he smiled at her before he jogged up the pathway and let himself into the building.
Sarah's deep thought was interrupted as she saw Courtney make her way over to Ryan and her. She was staggering all over the place and wrapped her arms around Ryan's neck as he tried to shrug it off.
"Come back to the table babe, I want to show off"
"Hey Courtney" Sarah said, faking a smile
"Sasha, come on Ryan" Courtney greeted Sarah with a total fake smile,
"Ry don't forget your wallet" She called out to him but he had already gone with Princess Courtney as her and Summer liked to refer to her.
Marissa watched Courtney traipse off of Ryan, he was never one for public displays of affection when they were together so what had changed him, she saw the other woman put her hand on his knee, he wasn't supposed to be like this with other women, especially not in front of her. She hadn't taken her eyes of him since he walked through the doors of the club. She was trying to figure him out, but to her he seemed like a different person, different to the one she left years ago. She had the worst feeling in the pit of her stomach, one of guilt, sadness and possibly her old feelings, because lets face it she would never truly get over him. She could see Ryan grudgingly walk behind the petit blonde as they made their way to the booth , Marissa tried to look away, pretending that she hadn't been looking at him - for the whole time. Courtney collapsed next to Jake and smiled flirtatiously, Marissa felt like jumping and saying something but it's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, considering how she had spent the last few minutes. Ryan sat down awkwardly and averted his eyes from Marissa. She saw him rest his hand on Courtney's thigh, and Marissa felt like she had had her heart ripped out and stamped on.
"Two can play at that game" She thought
"Hi I'm Jake"Jake stuck out his hand and shook it with Ryan's, this poor guy is so unaware quite of who he is.
"Ryan"
"I'm Sarah, Jake I'm actually working with you in your next project" Sarah smiled at him and a scowled at Marissa, Marissa looked at her and looked away, it was the single most awkward night of her life.
" It's nice to meet you all, everyone this is my fiancИe Marissa" he smiled at Marissa who leant in and kissed his cheek and then his neck,
"So Ryan man, Courtney said to us, you never go to clubs like this, how could you resist, living in LA and all"
"She did, did she?" Ryan asked her with a questioning look,
"Well he is always at work and he has a kid"Courtney said flippantly, not realising that bringing up Ottilie was the worst thing to be doing right now. Marissa's head shot up and she tried to blink away the salty tears she could feel about to fall.
"That sucks man, I mean you make one mistake and your stuck for the rest of your life" Jake said to him, Ryan shook his head at the guy, he was a complete tool, he felt like getting up and punching him for bad mouthing Ottilie, and probably would if he carried on, Ryan Atwood may be a Dad now, but he still is the rough kid for Chino who punches people at Debutante Balls and sets fire to houses.
"So do you have to like give the Mom money and shit?" Jake said, Ryan laughed about how ironic this situation was.
"It's not like that at all," Sarah said trying to step in.
"Her Mom died," Ryan said looking straight at Marissa, his cold eyes matched her clouded ones, she grabbed her clutch from the table and stood up quickly hoping to make an exit before anyone realised she was upset.
"Excuse me" Marissa said standing up and excusing herself from the crowd, she walked as fast as her Jimmy Choo shoes would allow her to the ladies room,
"She must need to re-do her make up, I swear living with a model is the biggest bitch in the entire world" Jake said disregarding the fact that she was upset, he probably didn't even notice Ryan thought. Sarah surveyed the situation, Ryan was pretending to listen without hitting Jake, Courtney was flirting with some other guy right under his nose, but he chose to ignore it. She saw Marissa's thin frame walk quickly into the bathrooms, which was where Sarah was headed before she could stop herself, with Ryan's wallet in hand. She walked into the girls lounge which all wallpapered in Red and Gold, she saw Marissa about to walk into a stall and decided it was now or never.
"Erm, excuse me, Marissa?" Sarah started talking politely and Marissa turned round with an icy glare.
"I don't know who you are, or what the hell you are doing here but--" Marissa started
"Don't even get started on me whore, I know your whole story, he has told me everything."
"Are you trying to threaten me?" She asked as she wiped a tear that trickled down her cheek.
"Not really but I thought you might like to see what you left behind" She took the wallet sized picture of Ryan and Ottilie both laughing and he is holding her in his arms, they don't realise that the picture is being taken and it adds to the beauty of it.
Marissa took the small picture in her hands, she touched the side of her face, and broke out into tears, she saw the small child laughing as Ryan tickled her and kissed her temple, this could have been her family, and that's what she left behind. Now Ryan is going around telling people that she is dead when all she wanted to do was swap her life for her baby and Ryan, the guilt that she felt every single waking hour of her life - would never go away. Her precious child that she had so many plans for would never really be hers, she would wake up and call someone else 'Mommy', she wouldn't have a Mom she could lie to about boys when she got older, A Mom that could braid her hair and put band aids on her cut knees, a Mom that was there for her.
"I would give anything you know" Marissa tired to say but her voice was too consumed with tears,
"But you can't can you? I think you should know there both much happier without you"
"How can you even say that?" Marissa asked her wide eyed
"Because, Marissa, its not you that is there to help them, I'm not calling myself her mother, because she doesn't have one, as sad as that is to say, but she has so many better people in her life that are so better suited for the job than you ever could have been slut. She has Summer, Kirsten, Me, for god sakes she even has Courtney, where does that leave you?" Marissa was a mess completely, she was crying, and was being verbally abused by some girl who knows her past, but still she couldn't take her eyes off of the 2 in the picture.
"Look you don't know what I went through, what I go through everyday for them, you don't even know me and you don't know what happened, you may of heard rumours through some people that hate my guts, but I had my reasons, now I would like to be alone please, Sasha"
"Don't worry I am going, I'm scared if I stand around you for too long I might catch something, but he is happy Marissa, I really don't think that you should do anything to jeopardise that, I mean you have already done that once, and my name its Sarah" She said angered as she began walked away.
Marissa walked into a bathroom stall and put her head in her hands, her chest racked with sobs as she wept as quiet as she could, although some people still knocked the door asking if she was ok, as she wiped her eyes and looked at the picture, she promised to herself that she would someday make Ottilie proud, be what she deserves. She knew that when the doctors handed her the baby for the first time, she knew she would never be a good enough mother, but now, with the surge of love that comes rushing through you when you are proud of a child, it had made her determined to make herself good enough, maybe meet Ottilie, the only problem she still had though, was Ryan. He would never forgive her, never let her see their daughter, never let himself love her again, but she had to do it, she had to try, how could she make him understand?
I hoped you like it guys, let me know what you think as always your comments are really taken to heart - and if anyone wants me to add anything, feel free to message and if it fits i will try to include your ideas! although, i have a LOT LOT LOT planned for upcoming chapters in this story!
have a nice weekend xoxo