Hey guys!! This is possibly the single most longest chapter I have ever written!! There was some major dedication this week ;) lol

Thanks to all of my reviewers - i can't remeber if i had any annonymous ones, but for those of you who are annonymous, dont be scared to leave a little thought if you want!

and ofcourse my story wouldnt be anywhere without RJmoonspell!! thank you so much

Enjoy

The first thing that Ryan Atwood could see, early that Saturday morning was bright sunlight, definitely too bright for the headache he was feeling, He winced and shut his eyes as the sunlight hurt his eyes, until he felt he had enough strength to even open them again. He glanced at the clock next to him, 6:45 in the morning, he didn't remember the time he had got home, he knew that he had drunk more than he usually did last night, and slowly he was starting to get vague recollections of what had happened the night before.

Ryan sank his already heavy head back into the soft white pillows, never in a million years did he think that would be how their reunion would go, he wanted to say so much to her, ask her so many questions, find out where she had been for the last 5 years, but instead of saying what he really thought, he just kissed her, most likely giving her the wrong impression and getting them further into the mess. He rolled over to check his phone, no doubt he would have a lot of messages from Courtney complaining, again because he 'abandoned' her at the club, she always used the word 'you abandoned me' when truth be told, she didn't really have a clue what 'abandonment' really was, unfortunately Ryan had experienced abandonment first hand on many occasions. Which promptly bought him onto the other woman of his night last night, Marissa. There were too many thoughts swirling round his brain, every time he thought of seeing her again, he would think of the pain she caused him years ago, and he would think about how much he didn't need her, but that was need. Wanting was a different story. He couldn't help the fact that she was the only girl in his life that he had ever loved, that all those years ago when he was with her he loved her so much his heart hurt. Now his head hurt, he didn't know if she was back for good, for him, for Ottilie, he didn't know if she wanted to speak to him, to try and smooth things over, to get custody of Ottilie, there were so much for them to talk about, but he couldn't talk to her, things got awkward, he got angry, she would cry. It was like they were on a rollercoaster and it would come with highs and dips, they couldn't just talk normally, hash everything out. No, they were always Ryan and Marissa, it was never a smooth ride.

"Just stop thinking about her" Ryan said to himself, he knew that wasn't the thing to do, she has and always would be at the back of his mind, but what about Ottilie?

She was him main priority, and it would really confuse things for the poor girl, she thinks her Mom died when she was a baby, of course she had always said "My mommy will come back one day" but she had never said that to Ryan, she had mentioned it a few times to Summer when she had been looking after her once, she used to try and grill Julie about her as well, she knew that her Julie's daughter was her Mom, she would ask question about when she was younger and what she was like when she was her age, Julie would shrug it off and ignore the situation. They had all tried to ignore any Marissa talk for Ottilie, removing pictures and memories of Marissa so she would never know who her Mom was, but it was bound to come out one day. But Ryan hadn't been expecting to see her in a club any day soon, so it had thrown his plan out the window. Like their kiss, he hadn't expected to kiss at all ever, and now he was left wondering, would she go back to her normal life and forget about them all over again or would she contact him, try to find him, want to be with him. Ryan sighed and put his head in his hands.

"Just stop you are not doing yourself any good sitting her thinking about what ifs," He had reached a new low, their break up had made him do some pretty stupid things, but talking to himself was a first. He was interrupted by his phone ringing, he glanced at the clock again to see it was 7:30, he had just wasted 45 minutes of his life pondering Marissa and her return?

"Hello" he mumbled tirelessly into his phone,

"Hey Daddy" Ottilie whispered happily, her young happy voice bought so much happiness to Ryan's situation, she seemed so excited to talk to him, as she always did when she hadn't spent the night at home. Ryan smiled and relaxed against his mess of pillows.

"Hey Princess, this is a bit early don't you think?" Ryan questioned her but with a smile on his face, he would never turn down time talking with his daughter.

"That's why I'm talking in whispers! Silly! Grandma said that I couldn't call you till later, but Aunt Kaitlin snuck me in the phone because Grandma is still sleepy" She giggled from excitement by telling Ryan her little 'scheme' like she was causing a lot of trouble, even though Julie wouldn't be angry with her in the slightest.

"Well I won't tell her if you won't, Is Aunt Kaitlin there?" Ryan said as she giggled.

"Yeh, because she got me the phone, Here's what I have to do : I have to say that she stayed home all last night and was asleep in my room, even though she was with her boyfriend and she just got in" Ryan laughed as he heard his daughter burst into a fit of giggles,

"Daddy, Kaitlin has a boyfriend!!" Ottilie sung tormenting her aunt, he could hear Kaitlin's teasing her in the background 'Hey munch I tell you one secret, your not meant to share, I bet you wouldn't want Daddy finding out about your little friend Adam from nursery' Kaitlin teased, Ryan arched an eyebrow over hearing the conversation.

"Daddy don't listen to her, she crazy, more crazy than uncle Seth!" Ottilie cried as she laughed from Kaitlin tickling her.

"Well I hope so, your too young for boys," he said going along with the joke, that's all he needed his daughter turning into Marissa at 5 years old.

"DADDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYY TELL HER TO STOP" Ottilie laughed, he could hear Kaitlin laughing along and he was glad that the Senior was keeping his daughter happy.

"Ssssshhhh Otty we have to be quiet, and Aunt Kaitlin has a bit of a headache."

He could hear walking around in the bedroom and he assumed the 18 year old had a night of partying the Friday night before and was feeling the effects, she was still a wild child, but she was a wild child with a good heart, she had a steady boyfriend called Max, whom Ryan had met, he had sort of taken on the big brother roll in her life, and her and Max were the new Seth and Summer. But Ottilie always finds the fact she had a boyfriend hilarious, nobody knew why.

"Hey princess, I'm going to leave home in a while with Uncle Seth and Aunt Sum, were all going out today for a big picnic on the beach" Ryan said moving about their apartment and clearing away some things.

"REALLY??" Ottilie shouted excitedly."Otty, indoor voice b" Kaitlin murmured from the bed, with an eye mask over her eyes

"Who's going Daddy?" Ottilie asked happily

"Well, me and you, Seth and Summer, Nana and Gramps, and Grandma Julie and Neal," Ryan said trying to see if he had forgotten anybody from their extended family.

"Is Aunt Kaitlin coming as well?" Ottilie asked hopefully, she loved her Aunts and thought the world of both her and Summer, she loved that Summer was like a Mom and she loved that Kaitlin was like a sister, she had the best of both worlds, at least in her eyes anyway.

"If Aunt Kaitlin wants to come then yes,"

"O Daddy can we get Balbalbaloa Bars" Ryan laughed at her tongue tied she was whenever it came to pronouncing the words 'Balboa Bars'.

"Of course if you want sweetie, do you want me to bring anything from home?" Ryan asked as he walked into her pink covered bedroom, there was a big wall covered with a fairy tale castle, courtesy of Seth, one wall of plain baby pink, then on the opposite walls it was covered in pictures, and then the middle picture was a big one of her and her Dad taken at Chrismukkah, the same one that Ryan kept in his wallet, and the same one that Marissa now had, unbeknownst to him.

"Can you bring my pink dotty bikini and my pink beach bag, It has all of my beach stuff in it" She said sweetly.

"Well I don't that that should be a problem, I will see you in just over an hour, me and you can go out for breakfast if you like." Ryan offered having felt extremely guilty about not staying home with her the previous night.

"Ok bye Daddy, Love you!!"

"love you too baby" Ryan put down the phone and went to go and get ready for his day at the beach with his daughter and family, there really was two sides to Ryan, the quiet guy from work and the family man.

Marissa had laid awake all night, just thinking about what Ryan said and what he did. She didn't know how to feel or what to think of any of it, she was so confused. She didn't come back to LA for them, she hoped she would see them, but she knew that they wouldn't want to see her though. But when she heard Ryan talking about her as if she was dead, and hearing about her little girl from Sarah, she felt compelled to talk to him, and now, she laid her wanting to see her daughter, even if it was from a far. She had to do it, she may never get the chance again, If she didn't see them she would spend the rest of her life wondering what it could have been like, although that's what she did already. Her thoughts were interrupted with Jake quietly shutting the door and accidentally hitting his foot on the coffee table, not realising Marissa was awake.

"Shit" he mumbled and tried to stagger back to the bed,

"Morning sunshine" Marissa said sarcastically and his head shot up quickly.

"Hey babe, I didn't know that you were awake, I just popped outside for some fresh air quickly," Jake lied.

"That's the worst lie you've ever told me Jake, Worse than the time when I found texts from another girl on your phone and you said you sent them to yourself?" Marissa arched an eyebrow at him, it really didn't bother her than he hadn't come home the night before, she had only been sitting at the hotel thinking anyway, and she wouldn't of been able to do that with Jake there.

"I am so sorry baby, but when you left last night I was so worried that I didn't know where you had gone so me and Frankie have been driving round LA all morning"

"I don't believe you for a second, for one, Frankie is in rehab, in Arizona and he didn't even travel to LA with us, and two, I told you I was coming back to the hotel and you said you would finish one drink then come back as well, but who ever it was you slept with I hope they make good money when they sell the story to the tabloids, as they always do" Marissa said exasperatedly, she stood and up and grabbed her house coat and began to walk towards the bathroom so she could get ready for the day. She thought she would go and visit her Mom in Newport, they had stayed in touch relatively, they sometimes e-mailed, but a while ago Julie had stopped replying and Marissa had given up, the only family she had left was her Aunt and her Dad. She had originally thought she would take Jake home and introduce him but now she couldn't be bothered with it.

"Don't speak to me like that Marissa" Jake warned.

"I don't care Jake, I am going out for the day, you can come with me and we will most likely get chased by the paparazzi because I know for a fact that you hooked up with another girl last night and now the pictures are all over the tabloids, or I can go alone, see my family again for the first time in years and just have a peaceful day. When I get back here tonight, you are going to apologise and I am going to tell you whether or not I can be bothered with our relationship anymore" Marissa slammed the bathroom door behind her and could hear Jake knocking on it from the other side, until he gave up.

"WHATEVER MARISSA, I AM GOING TO GO NOW AND SEE IF I CAN BE BOTHERED WITH YOU ANYMORE" Jake said mimicking her tone, she heard the door slam and it didn't even elicit a response from her, she didn't cry or anything. Now that she had seen Ryan again, and he kissed her, he had given her hope that maybe just maybe they can get back together, it seemed like a far off shot but she had to give it a go, she still loved him, she had just been denying it these past few years.

"Summer are you nearly ready??" Seth shouted through their apartment, Ryan and the married couple were all heading to Newport that morning. It was an important family lunch for Seth and Summer today, they were going to tell the everyone that Summer was pregnant, well everyone but Ryan, he was the only person that knew.

"How about this one?" Summer asked as she stood in front of Seth in yet another long billowy sun dress. This time it was black with a white pattern, which was designed to make you look thinner and she had her long dark hair loosely put behind a head band leaving it long past her shoulders. She had tried on what felt like 500 outfits that morning, but would change each time because she was convinced that she was showing or 'looked like she had swallowed that fat kid from Charlie and the Chocolate factory' It had been a long 2 hours for Seth, she kept coming out in different dresses, in which Seth would reply 'Sum, you look fine' then she would storm back into her wardrobe trying to find another, then she had a bad batch of morning sickness and when Seth had gone into help and rub her back, she had said back to him 'If you ever touch my back with your greasy paws again I will personally make sure this is the last baby you will ever produce'. Seth then learning that the rage blackouts are so much scarier when she is pregnant, decided to leave her to it.

"Summer you look beautiful" She smiled happily and started packing all the things they would need for the day into her beach bag.

"Seth am I going to look like a beach ball if I take the dress off?" Summer asked him shyly as she sat in his lap in their chair. He smiled at her and placed his hand on her slightly rounded stomach.

"I promise you, you get more gorgeous everyday and being pregnant has only added to that quality." She smiled at him and kissed his lips.

"I love you," she replied. "And I am so excited to tell them today" her face lit up with excitement, that only mirrored Seth's.

"It should be a good day, I mean all of us hanging out on the beach,"

"Yeh it will, and your Mom and Julie have made a super huge picnic, so me and baby can eat all we want all day" Summer smiled happily, she loved going home to Newport, they went back most weekends, but the giant family picnics were her favourites, especially since they hadn't had one since last summer.

"Yep, and maybe later we can take the Summer Breeze out?" Seth asked hopefully, instead Summer just shook her head, she had never been a fan of the tiny boat.

"I don't think so Cohen, the boat is too small, and besides I am carrying precious cargo now and your boat usually makes me feel nauseous, which will double with the baby nausea." Seth feigned hurt but kissed the temple of her head. Their romantic moment had been interrupted with a knock on their apartment door.

"Its open man!" Seth shouted as Summer stood up,

"Hey guys" Ryan said, he walked into their apartment carrying two big bags, one for him and one for Ottilie.

"Hey Atwood" Summer went over and hugged her back,

"Your paper was outside," Ryan dropped the paper he picked up and left it on the counter, there was a headline with Marissa on the front, they all saw it but chose to ignore it.

"Ready for the big Cohen/Cooper-Roberts picnic of the Summer 2011?" Seth asked sarcastically as Summer gave him their bags for the day.

"Yeh, well Ottilie is excited, she phoned me at 7:30 this morning,"

"Wow, I bet that was good for a hangover" Summer said a bit sarcastically.

"Where's Princess..- I mean Courtney" Summer asked faking concern. Ryan laughed and shook his head at his sister in law,

"We had a little argument last night, I haven't spoken to her since."

"Oh sorry" Summer said a bit embarrassed,

"No worries, I don't mind driving today Seth, that way Otty has her car chair for when we come home later?" Ryan offered, taking the bags from Seth and leading them to the elevator to take them to the garage.

"Yeh thanks man" Seth and Ryan were loading the things into the car while Summer got in and turned the radio on.

"Hey your listening to Fame fm, and your waking up to a very sunny LA morning today. Quite a night also for the stars, most went to the opening of new club Bungalow"

"Hey Ryan, isn't that where you went?" Summer asked him as he got in the car, Ryan nodded and started the car up and drove out of their apartment building.

"The biggest surprise to see was actor Jake Mathews and Marissa Cooper, an even bigger surprise to our sources, were seeing the young Supermodel lock lips with a blonde stranger outside the club, they guys face wasn't seen but as soon as he got in his taxi, Marissa left the club, sans actor fiance and retreated back to the Beverly Hilton alone, now this morning pictures have surfaced of Jake and a mystery brunette getting cosy, hmmm could this mean trouble in paradise for the newly engaged? Also spotted last night--"

"Sorry but I can't stand to listen to them talk about her on the radio" Summer said angrily as she turned the radio off.

"Summer," Seth said, sending a message with his eyes, saying 'Don't talk about her in front of him, sensitive subject'

"No its ok, don't worry, I saw her there anyway last night" Ryan said trying to keep his concentration on the road, when there was sure to be a throng of questions to follow.

"What?? You saw her? As in Coop, as in my step sister? As in your ex girlfriend Marissa Hilary Cooper??" Summer asked him surprised, she knew that if Marissa and Ryan ever saw each other again it would be awkward, and now she is just surprised, he was acting very cool about it, not angry or upset, but quiet.

"No I saw, Marissa Cooper soon to be Mathews. Which is hardly the same person" Ryan said sadly.

"Sorry man, how are you? I mean did you talk about anything? What is she here for? Does she want to get back together with you?"

"You have got to be kidding, I mean no offence Ryan, but living in New York, being a model has changed her, she isn't going to want to trade that in now at least, her face is everywhere, it's the pinnacle of her career, if she wasn't going to come home it would have been years ago, she isn't the same, I'm sorry Ryan but someone has to say it" She said honestly, Ryan just nodded and thought about what Summer had just said, realising now how much of a mistake kissing her really was.

"Well anyway, today she be could, I think my Dad said he was going to give us all another surfing lesson, which is always fun" Seth said trying to lighten the sombre mood that had spread round the car.

"Great, a Journey song" Ryan said unenthusiastically and turned up the radio, Summer looked at Seth in the rear view mirror and shot him a look, it would be a long drive down there.

Marissa started up the rental car that her and Jake had hired. Her modelling agency had sent a car to drive her everywhere she needed to go, because of her doing a few shoots while she was out there, but she thought if she was going to keep a low profile in Newport today she would have to try to act less like the supermodel she is now and try and be her old self. She got into the silver BMW convertible, at least that way she would blend in with the crowd, and headed for the old route she once remembered taking to get to LA.

It had been truly forever since she had driven herself home, especially to Newport, home. New York was weird, whenever they would drive home, it would mean drive from one side of the city back to their Upper East Side apartment, but seeing the sun glistening over the ocean as she felt excited to be driving back to that gossip filled town that she grew up in. First on her list of to do's was to go to that familiar old diner and order a short stack of pancakes she had been longing for for 5 years, it would take a hell of a lot of time in the gym to work them off, but she needed them, she needed some comfort food. She was also going to take a long long walk around the pier, walk on the beach and breath in the sea air, and rest for a long time at the lifeguard stand, that romantic place that had made her feel secure when she felt so lost. She didn't care if a few people would recognise her, with big sunglasses and her blonde long hair matching everyone else's in Southern California, would hopefully keep her in cognito, after all, it was her first day home in 5 years, she really really wanted this to be drama free. Who is she kidding, if she didn't want drama why was she heading to Newport?

Ryan, Seth and Summer all got out of the car when they were finally at Newport and walked up the steps to the Julie and Neal's mansion. The same set of stairs, where Ryan found out Marissa was pregnant, where crazy enough at the top was where Ottilie had taken her first steps, where Seth had proposed, where Ryan had carried Ottilie and her things to the car when Marissa had left them, where Julie had broken down once they had all gone. A lot of things had happened in that house, those stairs, but the feeling of it being tainted had effected Julie and Neal's relationship, the second longest marriage Julie had ever been in, and she had mellowed, enjoyed being a wife, a mom to Kaitlin and a grandma to Ottilie, although she was still a women who had just hit her early 40's she wasn't going to cool down on the Cardio Bar and botox just yet, she did still live in Newport after all.

"Daddy" Summer said as she ran up the rest of the stairs to see her Dad, he had been away with business when she had visited the last few times and hadn't seen her in about two months.

"Hey pumpkin" Neal greeted her as she ran into a hug.

"DADDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" Ottilie shouted as she came running out the house and down a few steps until she launched herself at Ryan. Ryan smiled as he picke dher up and twirled her around, even though its been a day since he saw her last he still missed his baby girl.

"Ottilie" He said as he picked her up and held her close.

"Have you been a good girl for Grandma" Ryan asked her as she nodded happily.

"O yeah she was a Peach" Kaitlin commented sarcastically as she came walking down the grand staircase also.

"Kaitlin" Seth said holding his arms out mimicking Ryan and Summer. Kaitlin just raised an eyebrow and carried on walking while Summer laughed at her husband,

"Come in guys, we have breakfast all set up on the terrace"

"Actually I said I would take Ottilie to the diner for breakfast, then meet you all at the beach later if that's ok with you?" Ryan asked his sort of family.

"Yeh that's fine, Otty are you going to want your handbag?" Ottilie nodded to her grandmother and Julie passed it to her, it was a white chanel bag with a chain handle, it was Marissa's but she had left it when she went away so Julie had given it to Ottilie to put her crayons in, but she had soon decided it was her 'grown up bag' and would only carry around a fake cell phone, a lipstick that she took from Kaitlin, and a fake credit card and a pair of Summer's old sunglasses. She would really go everywhere with her bag, carrying in on the smallest setting so it didn't drown her, she also loved it because it once belonged to her Mom. That was the only thing she had that was hers, she didn't even have a picture, now she was crazy about anything that had her bag on it, it was quite strange, she loved the ad campaign of her 'grown up bag' but would never know that the woman modelling it was her Mom.

The bright sun was being reflected off the sea as Marissa walked down the pier that used to be so familiar to her. It was still busy, like it used to be on a Saturday morning, there were families and couples walking along holding hands. The same man who used to sell Hot Dogs and Quesadillas was still there. Although she had been away for a long time, it was only the people that had changed in more than one meaning of the words. If someone had said to her when she had boarded her plane in New York, that her business trip with her fiancé would turn out like this, she would of laughed and denied any link to Newport Beach.

It was really strange, it was like something had clicked and had made her want to do all of the things she wanted to do today. She had never wanted to come home and see Ryan, until she saw him she hadn't realised the feelings she still had for him. She hadn't intended on coming home and seeing her Mom but now she was in Newport she was excited to see her family again, she could only hope that they felt the same way too. But then there was Jake, sitting back at their hotel, she would go back later and he would of bought her something expensive to apologise, saying that he never meant to hurt her, and she would most likely take him back, to look the fool once again. Because even though the West Coast had the life she wanted, it was back East where she had to stay, unless Ryan wanted her here that is. She walked into that familiar diner, thankful that no one had noticed her yet, she smiled, it still smelt the same to her, still the same décor, still the same plastic flowers that separate the tables, still the same menu. She walked over to an empty booth and was hit with a sea of flashbacks, the most prominent one, being in here shortly after she told Ryan she was pregnant, the night they thought they made all of their plans to be together and what they would do, but when it came to it, it was totally different.They had been argfuing that night, and it had contined to arguing on the beach, Marissa was walking away from Ryan when he convinced her to talk, they had to talk, eventually.

"Fine, but your buying me fries" she said stubbornly, Ryan caught up with her and he noticed her hands on her stomach, and his whole body ached to be with her, comfort her, tell her that everything was going to be ok, but he couldn't cheat on Sadie, and Marissa would never take him back

"it's the least I can do, the diners still open" he ushered the both of them to the pier so they could go to their usual café .

Marissa sat down uncomfortably at the booth, feeling awkward with Ryan there, the waitress came over and as she was about to order, Ryan interrupted,

"I will have 2 coffees, some fries, and a strawberry milkshake for Marissa, o and a banana split thanks" he handed back the menus as Marissa looked at him strange,

"Come on, you don't expect me to not know what you want, we used to come in here all the time and I figured if you have had a rough time, a banana split would cheer you right up - you used to have them when you were nervous" he said smiling at her, trying to break the ice

"Operative word in that sentence, 'used to' I haven't really seen much of you recently"

"Its because you didn't look, I'm sure you would have been able to find me if you wanted to Marissa, but I don't want to argue with you please, we need to make it easier on the 3 of us"

Marissa smiled as she heard him refer to their baby as a person, it seemed like he accepted the fact that they were going to become parents.

"and I just think that it will be better for all of us if the time we have together isn't spent arguing, instead talking about this mess we got into "

Marissa raised her eyebrows sceptically at him - it was only his mess if he wanted it to be, he was a minor factor in her giving birth.

"Riss the only reason I called it a mess, is because neither of us have no clue what we are going to do when the baby comes, we will both be in college and I'm positive that I don't know how to change a diaper." He smiled nervously at his former lover, he still couldn't get his mind over the fact that his baby was growing inside of her.

"And I think that we should tell the Cohen's soon, I know that your mom is away and you want to wait but straight after we need to tell the Cohen's, they will be able to sort out anything that we need, or what you need." Marissa fiddled with her fingers on the table

"My mom knows" she said quietly

Ryan raised his eyebrows in confusion, surely if Julie Cooper knew she would be round at the Cohen's threatening to get him arrested or something

"When I took the test, I found out and started crying I was on my bed and she came in and saw the pregnancy test box and she assumed that the reason I was crying was because I didn't know who the father was, which was a stupid idea because its only ever been you, and well Luke" she laughed off the second part, hoping that her and Ryan were making some breakthroughs

"She left me some money , for as she so kindly put it 'take care of it' and then left on her honeymoon, we aren't expecting them back anytime soon"

Ryan looked over at her. He felt sorry for her, Although the Atwood Family was rarely a happy one, All Julie Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts ever did was make her family unhappy. He then felt anger for someone wanting to kill his child, even though he has just found out about it.

"Typical Julie," he laughed sardonically, "What did you do with the money?"

"Marc Jacobs tote bag," she said whilst licking her strawberry milkshake off the spoon

"mmmmmmmmmmmm!! That is exactly what you have been craving isn't it" Marissa said to her stomach, then flushing with embarrassment when she realised she wasn't alone in the diner, like she usually is nowadays .

"Sorry I usually talk to the baby, it sometimes makes me feel less alone" Looking Ryan in the eye felt so like such a difficult thing to do for her. She couldn't face the fact that he had someone else in his life, she couldn't when she found him with Gabrielle and she couldn't when he was with Lindsay.

"That's fine really, I actually have a few questions about…….ummm…….it? If that's ok"

"Ryan., I'm not sure if I comfortable with this - I mean what are you going to say? There is nothing that you can do to change my mind, I'm keeping it.?"

"Well if we were still together I would say we would move in together and get married, but seeing as we are apart, I want to be there and help you, you aren't going to do this alone, I will be there whenever you need me, and if that means living together in LA or whatever, that's great, Sandy and Kirsten have bought me and Seth our first places to live while where there, and I would be lonely by myself I am going to be there for the baby and you, I promise" he looked into her eyes and straight to her soul and smiled sheepishly

Marissa started to cry and tears came down her face. Ryan reached out and dried her tears, a surge of electricity shot through her whole body as he did that. She was just staring into his eyes and reading his face like used to, a few seconds passed her by quickly as the waitress coughed announcing her presence and they quickly separated. Marissa started to think as they quietly ate their food; she couldn't be with him if she had the baby and she couldn't act like nothing was there. What happened if she had the baby and then what, Sadie, Ryan, Marissa and Baby Cooper-Atwood living on the UCLA Campus. She had always wanted to play happy families with Ryan but maybe now wasn't the time.

"Have you been going to the doctors and stuff? Taking vitamins?" Ryan asked nervously, he knew how it felt to lose a baby, he didn't want to lose another one, and he didn't want to put Marissa through that.

"Yeh I have, I went this morning and I have another tomorrow"

"So soon, is everything ok?"

"Yeh, its just for me to meet my doctor for the pregnancy, it will carry through to post natal and things like that"

Ryan smiled in relief, Marissa felt pleased at the interest that he was taking, he seemed fairly committed, even if he had only just found out.

"You can come if you want?"

Ryan's whole face lit up, Marissa just took in his every move, it had been a long time since she had seen Ryan act that happy in front of her, his smile used to light up her world, the most terrible things would be erased with his classic half smile. He never smiled in the whole Trey thing, but the moment that he did, Marissa knew they would be ok.

"I would love to, thanks. You know Marissa we will get through this together and it will be ok, I promise"

Marissa started to cry and Ryan moved round in the seats to stop her tears,

"Hey hey why are you crying?"

"I'm just so scared Ryan, about everything" she wept as Ryan held her close, she once again smelt her familiar scent and started to cry even more,"Excuse me, Miss,……Miss, hello?" The young waitress said to her, whilst waving her hands. Marissa snapped out of her gaze and embarrassedly smiled.

"I'm sorry, I will take a black and white milkshake, and a short stack of pancakes please" The waiter nodded and took the menu from Marissa,

"Has anyone ever told you, that you are the double of Marissa Cooper, if you were with that hot guy she was dating I would of believed it myself." The waitress commented while Marissa rolled her eyes, couldn't she have just one day to forgot what she had become and just be her old self.

"Nope, no one has ever said that before?" Marissa smiled back and the waitress walked away, leaving Marissa with her thoughts, at last.

"So what's good here" Ottilie said, pretending to be grown up, although it only made Ryan burst into a fit of laughter, she could always do that, make him laugh. When he was with his daughter he was a different person.

"O so your being Miss grown up today huh sweetie" He pulled her onto his lap so she was sitting on his knee and trying to read the menu out loud. They both sat in silence for a while until his daughter started talking again.

"Daddy," Ottilie started out not sure how to broach the topic with her father,

"Yes princess" Ryan replied not noticing her 'serious' tone.

"I think…" Her usual up beat mode was replaced by a strangely quiet one and it had Ryan worried, she was never usually this quiet,

"What's wrong Ottilie?," Ryan moved the little girl so she was sitting next to him, so Ryan could face her, and hold her hands. She shied away from his gaze and looked in a different direction.

"You can tell Daddy" Ryan looked at his daughter, that was the striking resemblance of Marissa. Her big doe eyes that were really his only resemblance.

"Is this…-" She reached into her Chanel bag she kept so close by and pulled out a picture, it was of Ryan and Marissa, New Years 2004 , the day after he told Marissa he loved her for the first time, and showed it to her Dad. "Is this my Mommy?" She questioned, her eyes looked like there were about to pool over any minute. She looked like she had been so let down by him, and that was what pained him the most. The picture held so much happiness, probably one of their happiest times in their relationship, Ottilie face demanded many answers from Ryan.

Marissa was sitting alone at her booth, looking around at the other people in the restaurant, more people had started to leave, eventually lowering the usually loud volume of the restaurant, so you could overhear other peoples conversations.

"What's wrong Ottilie?"

Marissa's head shot up, her eyes widened, it sounded like Ryan's caring voice with a child. Her heart was pounding and she felt like she was going to be sick. She sunk back lower into her chair, this could not be happening. She had been talking herself into meeting Ryan again, but sitting in the booth behind her wasn't the way she had envisioned, and he was with their baby. For the first time in 5 years Marissa was in the same place as her baby, she longed to turn around and see them both, but it was too risky for Ryan to see her and her little cover she had created for herself would be blown.

"Is this….-Is this my Mommy?"

Anyone could hear the tone of sadness in her voice, it hurt Marissa to know that she was the creator of the sadness in the young girls voice was too much to handle, tears crept down Marissa's face, she quickly put on her sunglasses so nobody could see why she was crying, and sat silently, waiting ot over hear the what Ryan was going to say to her.

Ryan sighed, he had told Ottilie so many lies about her Mom in the past, it didn't seem far to keep feeding her more stories, in 10 years time when she knows the truth, all of the lies she heard in her childhood won't make it any better.

"Erm.., yes baby it is" Ryan said regrettably as Ottilie's eyes clouded over with more tears and her lip began to quiver. Ryan moved next to her and picked her up to sit on his lap again and she cried into his chest. Ryan tried to soothe her by stroking her back and placing kisses on the top of her head.

"But…..but you said that…-" Ottilie whimpered against his chest.

"I know sweetie, and I am so sorry,"

"But why did you lie?" Ottilie asked him, looking straight into his eyes.

Marissa overheard everything she was sitting there in her own batch of tears, she wished that Ryan didn't have to lie about who she was, she wished that she could go over there now and Ottilie run into her arms and Ryan kiss her. But nothing can change the decision she made, she thought she was doing the right thing by them by leaving, now she realised that the only person she was suiting was herself.

"when it all happened I thought it would be best, I know I said there wasn't any pictures of her, but I had to do that" Ryan carried on stroking her back as he looked onto the horizon out of the window in a daze.

"I loved her so so so much baby, It made Daddy to sad to see pictures of her everywhere, and then when you started asking about her, It made Daddy sad again so I lied, so I wouldn't upset anyone" Ryan said guilty,

Marissa's chest was racking with silent sobs, she realised how shellfish she was, leaving them because she couldn't do it herself was the most shellfish thing she could of done, she left behind Ryan to cope by himself, in more ways than one, coping with a baby and coping with her going, as a child, everyone he loved had left him, and she was no exception, what she had done to him didn't even bare thinking about.

"Can you tell me about her" Ottilie's voice squeaked, and she wiped some tears, she looked up at Ryan and he smiled at her proudly. She wasn't being demanding for answers or explanations, and Ryan admired his daughter for that.

"Yeah if that's what you want" Ottilie nodded and Ryan hugged her back into his chest, she was his security, this painful trip down memory lane wouldn't be easy for Ryan, dredging up old memories and the feelings that went with it, but he would do it for his daughter, he would do anything for his daughter.

"Well, I met her when I was 16, I was in the car with Grandpa Sandy and remember I said to you that I used to live in that place called Chino?" He felt a nodded and carried on,

"Well, it was my first night in Newport, and Grandpa had gone inside the house to talk to Nana and I got out of the car and walked down to the end of the driveway and she was standing there," Ryan smiled at his memory of seeing the girl he loved for years for the first time, as did Marissa in the booth next door.

"I thought she was so beautiful, she just looked at me and smiled, she had a gorgeous smile baby, it lit up her whole face, as soon as I saw her smile at me I know that I had fallen for this girl, I felt so nervous, I had never spoken to anyone that had literally taken my breath away before, so when she asked me who I was, I just said - whoever you want me to be," Ottilie looked up at him, she had never seen her Dad talk about someone like this before, he was smiling into the distance as he retold the story. Ottilie snuggled into him, eager to learn more about the mother she never had.

"It was possibly the dumbest line I have ever said in my life" Ryan stated honestly

"Yeh, it doesn't sound too good" Ottilie fired back, Ryan just laughed and carried on.

"But I got to see that gorgeous smile again, so the sheer embarrassment was worth it. Then I told her a bit about myself, and her boyfriend showed up" Ottilie looked at him curiously,

"She had a boyfriend? But you loved her?" Ottilie said to him, like it was a completely obvious thing,

"Yeh she had a boyfriend, but before she left she invited me to a fashion show the next day, I tried to play it cool and act like I wasn't bothered but really I was so excited to see her again. So the next day, me and Uncle Seth did a bit of sailing and then we headed on down to the fashion show and we had to sit on the kiddy table, and I was trying to act cool to impress her but I was so embarrassed" Ottilie giggled a little, and Ryan was pleased to her that her cries had subsided. Unlike Marissa, who he was still listening to every word of the story with her back towards him, crying silently. Hearing him tall about her like that was possibly the most painful thing she has ever had to hear him say, she wanted to run into his arms and say that she still loved him as much as she did back then, but not knowing what his answer would be really put a damper on her ideas.

"At the start of the fashion show she came out and was talking with so much passion about what she cared about, I looked on at her and thought, how could I ever get a girl like that, she announced the show, and Aunt Sum was the first to come out of the curtains, Uncle Seth was babbling on about her to me, saying that it was the woman of his dreams" Ottilie laughed then showed confusion,

"Wait, Aunt Sum and my Mom were friends?"

"A long long long time ago, before everything happened, they were even sisters at one point."

"Oh, why has Auntie Summer never told me about her?"

"Because she never wanted to cause any trouble, and it would have been hard for Aunt Sum too" Ryan said pointedly

"That night I was so excited to see your Mom again, all of the models were walking along in front of me but none of them were as pretty as your Mom was , then when your Mom finally came out, she was wearing a pale pink dress and her hair down, by far the most beautiful thing I had seen until I saw you of course," He kissed her temple ad Ottilie carried on listening

"She locked eyes with me as she was walking on the stage and smiled, I felt so lucky, like out of all the guys she could have had, she chose me, her smile made me smile, but I was still trying to play it cool but I couldn't help but grin, then that night I spoke to her a bit at a party, then the next day I had to go back to Chino and I didn't think that I would ever see her again, but I then ended up staying here in Newport, and we finally together and we fell in love, it wasn't easy though, like a long time ago, Grandma Julie hated me, and we sometimes would fight, but were still together in the end, then one day she told me the best news I have ever heard in my whole entire life, that she was going to have you" Ottilie smiled at her Dad, Ryan thought about all the drama he had left out of the tale he was telling his 5 year old daughter, but for her own good, she didn't need to know that her Mom was once kept hostage by a crazy manic depressive or that she was nearly raped by Trey.

"I can remember when we had just found out, we came to this very restaurant and we talked about what you would be like all night," Ottilie smiled happily, as did Marissa, she smiled through her tears as she heard Ryan tell their story to their daughter.

"Then on September 18th, you were born, it was the happiest day of my whole life, I remember going into the delivery room after, and your Mom was sitting there, totally warn out but still she had the happiest smile I had ever seen on her, and she told me you were a girl, and I went straight over to your bed and sat with you and your Mom. It was the happiest moment, we were just such a small little family, then we got to name you, and take you home, your Mom always dressed in pink, you were loved by everyone around you, and we both loved being parents. But then one day…-" Ryan paused trying to think of what to say.

Marissa also sat on the edge of her seat waiting to hear the next part, dreading to over hear what Ryan would say.

"Its ok Daddy, you don't have to go on anymore," Ottilie said kindly, she could read Ryan like a book, and she knew what happened anyway, she knew her Mom died when she was a baby, and assumed it was now

"Are you sure" Ryan asked her brushing some hair of her face.

"Yeh, I know what happens next anyway, and you loved her so much, it will really upset you saying how she died," She kissed Ryan's cheek and in perfect timing the waiter came with their waffles and pancakes, Ottilie quickly chowed into her breakfast, Ryan was scared that she might be quite silent and upset, but she was acting her usual self, telling Ryan what her and Kaitlin got up to that morning and what she did at her grandmas, Ryan's ear began to wonder as he started to listen to the conversation next to him.

"Are you all done miss?" The waiter asked her, as she snapped out of her daze and realised she had barely eaten her food she was craving so much.

"Err, yeah just take it," Marissa said, closing her knife and fork together and pushing her plate away. The waiter took it and turned around to her one more time.

"Are you alright?" He asked her, Marissa simply nodded and left 20 on the table, and rushed out of the diner and onto the bench outside she slumped down and began to cry again, not beliving what she had just heard. It was hard to hear when she heard Ryan tell everyone she was dead at the club last night, but to hear it coming from Ottilie it was like a stab in the heart. Ryan's gaze was set on her as she run out of the diner. His heart sank a little knowing that Marissa had just heard every word he just said to Ottilie, and judging by the tears, he was guessing he upset her.

"Daddy, can we go now?" Ottilie asked snapping him out of his daze.

"Huh, yeh," Ryan left some money on the table and moved to get out of the booth and watched Ottilie put the picture of him and Marissa back in her bag. She held up her hand and Ryan took it, leading her out of the diner, she was talking to him again and Ryan locked eyes with Marissa as he walked off. She lifted up at her glasses and he could see her tear stained face, his heart swelled and he wanted to go and comfort her, she looked dejectedly at the floor and he carried on walking.

"I love you Daddy" Ottilie said as Ryan bent down to pick her up and place her on his hip, all Marissa thought as she watched them both walk off was how that could have been hers and how she stupidly gave them up.

Thats it for this chapter :) Sorry That i made it quite so long! Have a nice weekend xoxo

'God that went fast' he thought

Marissa, the bar, Sarah, Marissa again, Courtney making out with some other guy, some more Marissa, then her and Jake making out, uggghhhh, then me and Marissa shouting, then me kissing Marissa. Crap.