So sorry, that I couldn't get out an extra chapter this week. I had a bunch of stuff to do involving Easter that I had entirely forgotten about. To make it up to all of you, I made this chapter extra long. Closer to 4000 words that the usual 3000. This chapter is also a little different, stylistically speaking, than the others that I've written. Still, I hope you enjoy it.

Chapter Twenty-Three: She's Pulling Me Through

(9 Crimes – Damien Rice)

When Erin Lindsay was a young girl, she knew only really knew half the world. People sometimes think that "street kids" (as some might call them) know the world more than those who have it easy. The reality is, they don't know the world better, they just know it different. Instead of being blind to the hurt and pain that the world can cause, they are blind to the joy and warmth it can bring.

For Erin, she knew only the harsher part of the world. The parts where her father was never around and her mother was also searching for her next fix. That was, of course, until she meet Hank Voight.

That was when she was formally introduced to the warmer, easier side of the world. She knew what it meant to be cared about, knew what it meant to be loved. The girl she used to be, the one so familiar to the cold, cruel parts of the world, never really went away though. But, now, she knew what it meant to be loved. And, although she still faced it everyday, Erin understood that it was possible to not know struggle, to not know pain. Deep down, she had finally accepted the idea that some didn't know pain.

But on that day, in the hospital room, sitting beside her dying partner, she couldn't imagine a world without suffering. She could only see a world with pain, a world with hurt and sorrow and grief. All she knew was that Jay Halstead might be dying and, surely, the whole world was mourning the tragedy.

But it was sunny outside...far too sunny. Clouds rolled through the sky, people walked down the street, cars drove down the road, and every time they did, Erin hated them.

She hated being useless. She hated just watching her partner, her best friend, just lie their motionless, as everyone outside just lived their lives. Her heart was so worn out by the bitterness and sorrow and anger that it had been carrying for so long, that she was left with a weary, tired state of hatred. She just sat next to Jay's bed, hating the world for what it had done to him.

"He's going to be fine, Erin," Antonio promised her.

She laughed coldly and sadly, never turning back to look at her fellow detective. "Everyone keeps saying that, but it's not true. Not for sure."

Antonio shook his head, standing beside her and putting his left hand on her right shoulder. "It is true," he promised her. "Because it has to be." He looked down at Jay, at the machines that, with each beep, reminded everyone that Jay was just barely hanging in their. "I lost Jules, just barely a year ago. I can't lose him too, not when we also just lost Jin."

Erin turned, looking Antonio right in the eyes. "So he's not going to die Erin," the man promised. "He's not going to die because...because none of us are going to make it either if he doesn't."

She nodded, an invisible smile appearing on her lips. Antonio sat pulled a chair over and sat down beside her. He sighed softly, looking over the unconscious man.

"I got shot last year..." he told Jay, hoping, somehow, his friend could here him. "I was told it was touch and go for me too, but I'm back, I'm fine...So...So you have to be too. You have to be."

"Do you think he can hear us?" Erin wondered quietly.

Antonio shrugged. "I, have no idea. I'd like to think so though."

Erin leaned forward, bringing her face closer to her partner's ears. "Jay?" She squeezed his hand. "If you can hear me...If you can hear me, squeeze my hand."

Silence filled the room. Nothing happened.

Erin's eyes filled with tears, becoming distinctly glassy. "I'd like to think that you can hear me, that you're listening, somehow, even if you can't...If you can't squeeze my hand. I- I need you to hang on okay? I know I let you down. I know I failed you-"

"Erin," Antonio interrupted. "You didn't-"

"I did," he assured him. There was a solemn certainty in her voice that prevented him from speaking against her further. "I let him down." She turned back to her partner. "We alway say that 'that's why you have back-up,' but this time- this time you didn't. I wasn't able to be your back-up, and I'm so sorry. If I had forever, I'd spend it trying to make it up to you. I'd go everyday telling how so sorry I was, how sorry I am, and how much I care about you."

Tears slowly, began to slip over her bottom eyelids. "I don't have forever," she whispered. "I may not even have a day. We always knew that these were the risks of the job, but...but I thought I was wiling to give up my life for the cause. I was wrong. Jay. You are my life...You are the one person I wish I could have forever, just telling you I'm sorry and that I care. You are the one person who can always make me smile. You can always make me laugh. You are my life Jay...and I realized I was wrong, because I'm not willing to give you up. Not for anything. Not for any number of anyones."

She squeezed his hand affectionately. "I need you to hang on. That's all I need. Even if you never wake up, I'll never stop loving you Jay Halstead, so please, please don't let go. I didn't. I held onto the detonator. I held on to you. I got you out, even though I couldn't stop them from dragging you in. I know you don't owe me anything, but I need- not want, need- you to hang for me."

Her last words came out as fragile whispers, barely audible to Antonio, let alone the person she wanted to hear them. "I love you Jay Halstead. So, please don't leave me."

By that time, her face was completely flooded with tears. She felt as though she'd been crying for every moment of every minute since Jay had gone missing. At times she thought she had surely ran out of tears, but there were always more. She just needed him so much, that the tears would never stop.

"You hear that Jay?" Antonio asked in a sad, but still teasing voice. "You're going to be just fine. Erin loves you Jay. Isn't that enough for you to wake up? Isn't that everything you've ever wanted? It's right here, all you have to do is hang in there for a few days. Then, just open your eyes. You can do that. That's nothing. I know you Jay. You can do this. It's child's play for someone like you."

He paused for a moment, breathing heavily, but not yet shedding tears. "When I first met you, you had been working undercover on a case involving my sister's bar. Do you remember Jay? You may have very well saved her life, took a damn bullet for her. That was nothing. You were fine. Just like this. Just like this."

Erin looked over at her friend, his hands had both fallen to his lap, as he now twiddled his thumbs aimlessly. "No amount of begging," Antonio continued, now only mumbling, "Is going to make this easier, or your survival more likely...but that won't stop me. I've run out of bad guys to chase. I've got no one left to interrogate, to find or to shoot. I've just got this- this room and this bed, and the overwhelming feeling that we sort of won. And you know me, I'm not good with nothing to do. I nearly lost my mind last year in that hospital..." he trailed off.

"I couldn't stop Voight then...but you did. You helped me. I just wish there was someway I could help you. There's only one way I can think to help you, and it'll only put your mind at ease."

Antonio turned to Erin. "I can keep an eye on her, make sure she's alright. I know how much she means to you...And- as we all already knew- you mean a hell of a lot to her too. So I'll help her to help you, but that means you have to help yourself to help her. Okay?"

Erin smiled, putting a gentle hand on Antonio's arm, causing him to turn to her. "Thank you," she mouthed.

He nodded. "Yeah," he managed in response. "Yeah, it's going to be okay Erin. He won't leave us." He looked back at Jay now. "Don't you dare leave us Halstead."

"Please," Erin added hopefully, as if, somehow, her plea would help him fight just a little bit more, just a little bit harder.

Burgess had fallen asleep on Ruzek's shoulder in the waiting room. The worry and panic had taken their toll on her, leading to exhaustion that she just couldn't beat. Although they weren't technically partners anymore, Burgess and Atwater had stayed close over the short time that had passed since the latter's promotion and she was terrified of what his injuries might mean.

Groggily, she rose from her slumber, sitting up straight and turning to her boyfriend. "Did I fall asleep?" She asked sleepily.

Ruzek chuckled lightly. "Yeah. You drifted off a little over an hour ago. I figured a good rest wouldn't hurt, so I didn't wake you."

She nodded, acknowledging and agreeing. "Is he still in surgery?"

Ruzek nodded, causing disappointment to stretch across her face. "Should it be taking this long?"

"I don't know," the detective confessed. "As much as I probably should, I know next to nothing about the inner workings of hospitals."

She rolled her eyes. "Me neither." She sighed. "I just want someone to out and tell me he's alright, but at the same time, I'm terrified that the news won't be so good."

Ruzek nodded. "I know." Silence filled the space for a moment. "Roman swung by while you were out. He told me how Jay's doing. Guess, he's out of surgery now."

Burgess perked up, eager for any piece of good news. "How is he?"

Ruzek shook his head, instantly deflating his girlfriend's new found excitement. "What?" she asked, now terrified.

"It's not looking good," Ruzek explained. He went on to tell Burgess of his fellow detective's condition and how the doctor had not been overly optimistic about his chances of surviving the few days while under the coma, let alone waking up. With each word he spoke, he could see her spirit get crushed a little more.

As a patrol officer, Burgess had never spent a whole lot of time with Jay, but in the time she had spent with him, she knew he was a good guy. She'd gone out with Ruzek and the rest of Intelligence tons of times, each time talking to Jay, but never more than any of the others in the group. She was fond of him and considered him a friend, but to say they were close would be a slight overstatement. Still, she was deeply concerned for the detective and was devastated by the news (also due to the fact that she knew her boyfriend was surely much more upset by his friend's health).

"I'm so sorry Adam," she said quietly, not sure of what else to say. "He's strong though. I'm sure he'll be okay."

Ruzek shrugged. "The doctor said he's just too weak. It may not matter how strong he is. I keep telling myself he'll pull through because he's tough, because that's what you're supposed to think, that's what you're supposed to say, but...but what is the doctor's right? What if it just doesn't matter?"

"Adam-"

"You know what?" Ruzek said, cutting Burgess off. "I should be comforting you. Surely, you're just as worried as I am. Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

Burgess took his face in her hands. "You don't have to be fine Adam. I'm not. None of us are. You don't have to be strong, because I know you're hurting. We can weak, just this once, as long as we're weak together."

Ruzek nodded, the tiniest smile emerging on his face as a result of her words. Still, it was a sad smile. His eyes were glassy with tears and his eyes were exhausted and drained- emotionally and physically.

Just then a doctor approached them. "You two here for Detective Atwater?"

They both nodded eagerly, shooting to their feet.

"Well, I'm glad to say the surgery went as well as we had hoped."

"Why doesn't that make my heart sing?" Ruzek asked, trying not to sound too bitter.

"It should," The doctor assured him. "Your friend's arm was seriously damaged. We were able to repair it quite a bit. Aside from the damage to the nerves and muscles in her arm, he should suffer no side effects. On almost all bases, he will be just fine."

"See?" Ruzek blurted before he could stop himself. "It's those little words like almost and should that are making me seriously uneasy."

The doctor sighed. "The arm was seriously damaged. There is no way to tell for sure if the limb will ever regain the same mobility and control it had yesterday. It will take time and a lot of physio-therapy, but it is possible that he will make a full recovery. Unfortunately, it's just not something we have the means to accurately judge and guess about."

"But if you had to guess?" Burgess asked.

"I really can't say," he apologized. "It wouldn't be professional of he.

Ruzek rolled his eyes. "Come on, he's a damn detective. He got injured in the line of duty, saving lives. Can't you just cut us some slack and give us your best guess. It's been a really long day."

The doctor sighed. "I think he'll make a good recovery. Likely regain most of the movement in his arm, but I doubt he'll ever get it back to the way it was. I don't think he'll ever be able to return to the police force." Burgess froze and the doctor finished. "I'm sorry, but like I said there is no way to tell for sure."

Burgess let out a jagged breath. "Can- Can we see him?" She asked, wiping unshed tears from her eyes.

The doctor nodded. "Of course. I just need to run back inside real quick, then I can show you to your friends room. Shouldn't take more than a minute."

Burgess nodded as the doctor turned and walked away. She looked at her boyfriend in horror. "I don't want into Intelligence," she cried softly. "Not like this. I don't want any of it, if it means stealing Kevin's job from him. What if he can''t return to the job? What if Voight asks me to fill-" she froze. "Am I a terrible person for asking these things?"

Ruzek wrapped his arms around her tightly. "It would take a lot more than this to make you a terrible person Kim," he promised. "No one's going to be stealing anyone's job. That, is a promise. Okay? No one is going to pressure you into anything. Besides, it was just a guess. It could mean nothing. Kim. He could be fine. At least he's going to live right? That's all that matters right now."

Burgess nodded against Ruzek's chest as he held her tightly.

When Antonio finally lead Erin out of Jay's room, Gabby, Olinsky and Voight were waiting outside. Roman was off to go check on Atwater once more. In reality, he just wanted to excuse himself from the tense air that surrounded that rest of the group. The two exciting Jay's room were both quiet, their silence a tribute to their injured friend. Gabby immediately approached her brother.

"How's he look?" she asked softly.

He shrugged, but didn't speak, earning a sigh from his sister. "Come on. Let's go grab a bite to eat. Erin, you should come with us."

Erin opened her mouth to object, but Olinsky stepped in. "It's a good idea," he pointed out.

Erin sighed, but realized their was no way she was getting out of this. Besides, she was rather hungry. It felt as though it had been days since her last meal, so she followed the group out. Voight smiled faintly as the group left, glad that Erin was agreeing to at least try to eat. He was nervous that the worry would prevent her from eating anything for a while.

"You want to go in?" Olinsky asked.

Voight shook his head. "No. You know what. I think I'm good."

"I disagree. You're still blaming yourself for what happened. Hank, when are you going to realize that it's not your fault?"

"It is my fault though Al. This whole thing started because Essa's revenge got Valerie's plan in motion. Everything that happened to Jay is based around what happened to Hansen- around what I let happen to Hansen."

"You have to let that go Hank. No one blames you for it. Jay certainly won't. He'll tell you that himself in a few days when he wakes up."

"If."

"What?"

"If he wakes up, Al. He might not. He could die. I'm in charge of this unit. I'm supposed to keep my team safe, but now I caused all of this. Erin was shot, she nearly died. Antonio was shot. It wasn't life-threatening, but he was still shot. Ruzek and Atwater nearly blew up because of a pressure plate. You nearly blew up when you diffused that bomb. Atwater was shot three times and may never be able to fully use one of his arms again. I've failed my team Al, but mostly, I've failed Jay. He might die because of me."

"He might live because of you," Olinsky pointed out. "You also helped save him Hank."

He shook his head. "I did more harm than good Al." He paused for just a moment before finishing his train of thought. "I can't go in there."

Olinsky sighed, "I'm going to go check on the kid. The least you can do is stand in the doorway."

Voight let of a huff of air to show his disproval, but, in the end, complied. He followed Olinsky to the room, but stopped in the doorway. He took in the sight, the horrifying sight, with a pained gaze.

Olinsky sighed as he approached the weakened detective. For what seemed (to Voight) to be forever, the man just stood in silence, but then, he spoke.

"You're a crazy kid, you know that right? Not a lot people could've made it through what you just survived. But you did and here you are. You're so close to being in the clear, Jay."

As he spoke, the older detective thought about that night at the docks. He thought about how Jay had shown up, just in the nick of time, and saved the life of a man who deserved to die. It was things like that that made Olinsky certain Jay would pull through this.

It was the paleness of his skin that convinced him otherwise. The young detective simply looked so weak and vulnerable. Too Olinsky, it seemed nearly impossible that the man in front of him was even the determined detective who he worked along side in Intelligence.

It was though...and the thought scared him half to death.

"You are safe now," Olinsky promised. "No one else is going to hurt you. You jut need to hang on a little longer. The doctor says it might be out of your control, but I don't believe that. I can't believe that." Olinsky turned to his friend in the doorway who couldn't take his eyes off his shoes, refusing to look at Jay's pale, weak body.

"Come on Jay. You've got this," he said, still staring at Voight, so that his message was given a distinct second meaning. Hank. Jay's got this.

"This is your friend's room. He's conscious right now so feel free to talk to him, but he really should get some rest so don't keep him up too long," The doctor explained. "I haven't given him the news yet. I thought it might be for the best if you tell him."

Burgess nodded and thanked the doctor as he walked away. "Hey Adam," she said, turning to her boyfriend. "Do you think I could talk to him alone? I don't want him to feel like-"

Ruzek raised a hand, insisting she say no more. "I'm going to go grab a bite then. I'll get you something too."

"I don't need food."

Ruzek raised an eyebrow. "All humans need food," he mocked, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead before heading off. Burgess took a deep breath before entering the room.

"Hey Kim," Atwater greeted her as soon as she entered the room. He was wearing a nervous smile and complicated looking sling for his arm, but otherwise he looked relatively fine.

"Hey Kevin. Good to see you up. You had me pretty worried for a while there."

The detective shrugged. "I'm fine...ish." He frowned before putting his nervous smile back on. "Any word on Halstead?"

Kim opened her mouth apprehensively. "Yeah...He's um...They put him in a medical coma. It's only for a few days, but...but they're not sure he'll even make it until then."

Atwater cursed under his breath. "After all the work we put into finding him..." he trailed off for a moment. "This is ridiculous. He's been through enough already."

Kim nodded. "Yeah. So have you."

"Not in comparison to him. I just got shot."

"Oh," she chuckled. "Only got shot? My apologies. How could I be so foolish?"

Atwater joined in the laughter for a moment, but the happiness quickly faded as his smile turned into a questioning look. "What did the doctors say about my arm?"

She swallowed hard. "Nothing much. You're not going to die."

Atwater shook his head, as though disappointed by the response. "What about the arm?"

Kim bit her lip. "They really don't know for sure. They say it's too hard to tell for sure?"

"So what? They just called it a day? I'm never going to be able to use my arm again and that's that?" He snapped.

"Of course not!" she retorted harshly, before calming down. "Kevin, they are going to do everything they can to help you. I talked to your doctor and he said with enough physio-therapy, you might be able to return to work, no problem."

Atwater leaned his head back. "Might," he repeated.

Kim looked at her old partner sadly. "He thinks you should, at least, regain all basic motion in your arm. And it's possible for you to go back to work someday."

Atwater laughed. "Kim. You're really not helping...at all. I appreciate the effort, but it's not making me feel better. I just want to raise my arm up, but I can't. And now, you're telling me that I may never be able to return to Intelligence? Kim, I just got in."

She let out a jagged breath. "I don't know what you want me to do Kevin. I don't know how to make it better."

Atwater's harsh demeanour dropped as he looked at his old partner. He urged her to sit down, gently taking on of her hands with his good one.

"Kim," he said softly. "That's the thing with me, and Halstead though...You can't make it better."

I don't know how I feel about this chapter, but it's now 6am...I'm sorry if it sucks...I'm just so tired. Voight will have a chance to talk to Jay. He just didn't this chapter because GUILT. :) Anywho... I hope you enjoyed. Keep the love coming and I'll see you next Sunday (hopefully with a better chapter...)

Next Chapter:

Chapter Twenty-Four: Heaven Is Overrated