Chapter Four

He knows he's meant to wait until she calls, because he's it's what he does – he waits. Except this time he's waiting on the sidewalk, in front of the building he'd parked in front of last week, waiting for her to come out of her appointment. She said she'd call – but she hadn't. But he will give her the benefit of the fact that she said she would call when a body had dropped – and in the two days she'd had off followed by two days on call, no bodies, not a one, had dropped. He's a patient man, but with the conversation he'd had with his family constantly on he's mind, he is beyond being patient. He needs to tell her – because it's what's best, and because whatever happens after that is up to her – he's not pushing and he's not pulling anymore, he's just going to be honest.

At 10:30 on the dot, he hears the door swing open and he turns around to see her stepping out, a hood over her head, sunglasses in her hand. He takes a few steps forward, just enough for her to see him and recognise his presence.

"Castle?" Her voice is softer than what he's used to and her eyes are furrowed in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

"I uhh- I know you had your session today and I was – I thought um -" He really does have a speech, a lot of things to say but even as a writer, getting started is apparently just as hard. "Can we talk?"

She opens her mouth and shuts it, unsure of what to say.

"Sure… Did you want a cup of coffee or something?" He steps a little closer and shakes his head in response.

"Actually, do you mind if we go back to the loft? I think it might be better if we talk there."

"Castle, I – the loft is - " She has no idea what her sentence actually is, because there's nothing wrong with the loft, but with the state of their… relationship, going back to his place doesn't sound smart at all.

"Please Kate, there's something I need to tell you." His voice is softer then, just above a whisper and it scares her.

"Rick, is everything okay?" She places her hand on his arm, but pulls it away when she feels him slightly tense at the touch.

"I don't know." His eyes are glued to the ground, not daring to let her see the fear in his eyes.

"Okay, yeah - Castle, we'll head back to the loft and talk. I'll follow your lead?" He looks up then, slightly confused - because he never leads – before he notices her walk towards her bike a little further down the road. Oh right. He'd forgotten about that part – he'd driven himself here in a car and forgot that he had witnessed her speed off on a bike last week.

"Yeah, sure thing."

The loft is quiet when they walk through the door, Alexis and Martha having made themselves scarce; Alexis on a study date with her friends and his mother, well – he wasn't quite sure. He had asked if he could have the house to himself for the day, and both women had understood what that meant without any more being said.

He leads her into the office before shutting the door and turning around to face her. The air is thick around them, filled with fears of two completely different kinds, because she has no idea what is going on and he does, but she starts off first.

"So what did you want to talk about Castle?" He takes a deep breath then and prepares to explain everything he's kept from her.

"It's about your mother's case and the shooting."

"Oh." She breathes on a sigh of relief but he tilts his head, having expected a much more animated reaction from her. "Oh, Castle, if you had more questions about my therapy you could've just told me. Had me worried for a bit there."

"No Kate it's not-" He wishes it were that simple, because he does have those questions, but he can't get there without telling her and his courage is disappearing, and fast. So he decides that he won't talk, not just yet, instead picking up the remote from his desk and turning the screen on. Her picture appears first in the centre, followed by familiar faces and boxes of text surrounding her. There's an audible gasp from her lips as she takes a step back to look at the murder board – his murder board.

"Castle, what – what the hell is this?" He rubs the back of his neck to stall a moment before answering.

"Before he died, Montgomery sent a package to someone he trusted that contained information that would damage whoever was behind all this, including your mother's murder. But the package didn't arrive until after your shooting. The person he sent it to, he struck a deal with that dragon." He looked up to see her face – mouth open and completely still, but he continued. "In order for the target to be taken off your back and to stop whomever was after you from returning, you had to stop investigating the case."

"How- how do you know all this Castle, are you apart of this?" She's stepping further away from him now, her calves bumping into the couch behind her as she looks at him with agony in her eyes.

"Not in the way you're thinking Kate."

"Then enlighten me." The words slip through her teeth, mouth barely moving.

"For the deal to work, there needed to be someone who would make sure you weren't investigating the case, that you had actually stopped going after the person behind all this."

"And so for a whole year, you were that person keeping me from investigating?"

"Yeah." He exhales the words, readying himself for what he knows is about to come. Beckett is pacing across his office; he can see the wheels spinning in her head, processing everything he's told her before she stops abruptly and looks him in the eyes.

"Why now, Castle? Why tell me this now if keeping this from me was working perfectly fine before?" He doesn't expect the question – thought he would have to thicken his skin for an onslaught of anger, but not this.

"I-. Because you deserve to know Kate. You told me your secret and now I've told you mine." And with that, his final card has been drawn – he has nothing else and the rest is up to her.

"I'm angry Castle – at the fact that you kept this from me for a whole year, because it's my mother's murder Castle and you know how important it is to me." She takes a step towards him then, her eyes firmly looking into his. "But thank you."

"What?" He's certain his voice has just gone up an octave but he could care less. "Thank me for what?"

"For keeping me safe, even though you knew how angry I would be about it. But if this deal is going to work Castle, if you want me to stop investigating, then you do too. If this target is off my back then this target is off yours, but only if you stop."

"Kate – the deal was that you were to stop, not me. I can still help you get justice for your mother."

"No Castle, you still have a mother, a daughter, a – a girlfriend and a team at the precinct who need you to stop. This is as dangerous for you as it is for me, so this investigation ends here." She's standing tall now, firm on what she has said and he knows that there's no disagreeing with her on this, but he catches something in her words.

"A girlfriend?" She tilts her head, a questioning look in her eyes before answering.

"Well yeah, I mean I figured Jacinda was – the two of you were you know, and that's okay, but the point is-" She knows she's rambling, but she really isn't in the mood to discuss his love life and the fact that she's not in it, so she tries to steer it back to what they were actually talking about, but he isn't letting it go so easily.

"Okay? It's really okay that I'm with someone else? Because you could've just told me that from the start Beckett, not telling me to wait for a goddamn wall I wasn't never going to get past anyway." His knuckles have gone white, his hands clenching the edge of the desk in anger or hurt - he isn't sure which.

"What on earth are you talking about Castle? I thought we talked about this at the Precinct already Castle, if you're happy then that's great, you don't need to think about that wall anymore."

"So just like that – you're going to tell me that after four years of whatever it is between us, you're okay with me being with someone else?" His words are heavy with a hurt that simmers through his teeth. There was a tiny hope in him that he was wrong – that his mother and daughter had been right about her wanting to be happy with him instead of with someone else. And so he's livid –at her and at himself. Angry that his assumptions from the moment he had found out she'd lied had been right. Except he wasn't and her voice cuts through his mind, quick and sharp.

"Okay? You think I'm 'okay' with you parading someone else in front of my face after I've spent a whole goddamn year in therapy trying to be a better person, to be ready for this – for us?"

"What the hell are you talking about Beckett – you never wanted us." She doesn't think she's felt such disbelief in her life – because this, this definitely beats finding out he lied about her mother's case.

"I never – I never wanted us?" Her voice is starting to get louder as she slowly steps towards him. "Of course I wanted there to be an 'us' Castle, I was just too fucked up at the time to give you what you deserved and that's why I went to therapy Castle. As selfish as it was Castle, I needed to fix myself before I could start building something with you."

And he stands there, his mouth agape and his eyes watching hers flicker with a fire that's gotten him utterly terrified and beyond confused, but she closes her eyes and rubs the bridge of her nose before turning around. As she stands there, in his office, she can feel herself breaking and suffocating from the reality of everything that has crumpled around her. So she walks towards the door, and places her hand on the door knob before turning back to him one last time and speaks with a softer voice.

"I made you wait too long Castle and you've left me by myself and I deserve that, I really do. But all I've ever wanted was you."

A/N: Thank you once again for sticking with me through this story, I'll hopefully have the next chapter up sometime soon. (Also, a disclaimer I realise I should have put in much earlier in this story: I do not own the characters or the show - that belongs to AWM & the writing team of Castle.) Hope you all have a great week!

G.