12 – thoughts

A hundred and one thoughts were still running through his mind as he made his way down the corridor. The nurse on duty at the nurse's station gave him a friendly smile when he walked by; his face was familiar because he had been there everyday since they admitted Jules. That, and the fact that he had gotten into an argument with the head nurse last week had certainly made him more memorable than other visitors. The shift had dragged into overtime and by the time he got to the hospital, he had missed the visiting hours by 15 minutes. The head nurse, completely immune to his boyish charm, tersely sent him home, telling him to come back the next morning. Couldn't have that. Negotiating had never felt more critical, and after almost fifteen minutes Sam thought the nurse would call the security to escort him out. Behind the counter the other nurses had probably started taking bets. However by some miracle, he won out. Five minutes leeway was granted. Five minutes to see that Jules was still okay and to kiss her hello and goodnight.

He was there everyday, because Jules wasn't with him at work, or at home. Because of his fault. Because he had left her out in the open. Because he didn't have her back that day. Because someone had targeted not only Jules, but also other policemen helping the call. Because they were working dangerous job and anything could happen to any of them anytime. Because nothing was promised.

Sam sighed as his mind tried to methodically tread away from the guilt that had been constantly gnawing at his heart since day one to the more logical reasons. Jules didn't blame him, nobody blamed him. He did though. He probably would still blame himself even when Jules was already out of the hospital and healthy enough to complete the obstacle course, and then even longer after that. How he could not?

At work, Jules wasn't there and instead, Donna Sabine was. Equipped with multi talents and skills, she was effortlessly easing her way into the team and making herself at home. Jules wasn't the only one who was starting to get anxious. She never told him, but he could see it in her eyes. The way they missed their usual sparkle when Spike and Lew stopped by and told her about the failed hazing ritual. The way her shoulders slumped down just slightly when Wordy retold Donna's successful negotiation training. The movement was so minute and the others probably thought it was the result of her injured, weak side, but Sam knew better. He didn't even care when Ed kept making jabs at his negotiation skill.

(I'm not giving you cocaine, jackass!)

Jackass.

'What's his name?'

'Donna. Donna Sabine.'

'Yeah?' The realization that she had been replaced in every sense of the word was expertly masked by a teasing grin that never quite reached her eyes. His fingers curled tighter around hers, not allowing her to pull away. 'A sexy sniper chick, huh?'

'That's only you, Jules.'

Sam was worried. He was worried about Jules' injury and her slow road to recovery. How she's likely going to push herself too much too soon. How she would have a tough competition when she was physically fit and ready to get back to work. How sometimes it felt to him that Jules, their teammate who was lying in the hospital bed, alone and probably wondering what the team was up to, was only a fleeting thought on their friends' minds.

He knew he wasn't being fair, but he couldn't help it.

It's not just because she was Jules; because she had made him feel things nobody had ever made him feel; because when he heard the shot fired and saw her crumble to the ground, he thought he'd die too if she did. While she was initially being pretty apprehensive about him joining the team, outside the uniforms she accepted him with open arms, with coffee and donuts after shifts, with stories about four brothers and her on-going home renovation. She was his friend first, the first friend he had after he returned from Afghanistan. Looking at her trying not to look so dejected, it physically hurt him.

Sam stopped in front of her room. He hadn't bothered to wait until later because he knew the team was at the Goose now, the new temporary rookie buying the first round.

He quietly turned the handle and pushed the door open. For the first time that day, Sam relaxed. Jules was lying on her good side, soundly asleep. She was facing the door and although probably unintentional, it warmed him even with the snow swirling around outside. It was as if she was waiting for him to come in. Of course he would be there. She was his safe haven.

Sam slipped inside and closed the door, keeping his distraught thoughts behind him.

Thanks for the reviews! The last two chapters were pretty somber, but hopefully I'll produce something happier soon. Please let me know what you think xx