May 17, 2015
Week 34, 281 AC

I don't think there is a single word well-suited enough to describe my life at Casterly Rock. It is nothing like I expected, to be sure, and nothing I've experienced before. Nearly two months after my arrival here I can now safely say that I have settled in. I can tell one Lannister from another, have a fair idea of what each of them are like, and know just how to treat each of them. Lady Genna has made sure all of this is drilled into my mind; I've been told multiple amount of times in the same snappish, chastising way that being the Lady of the Rock is not something to take lightly, not with the sheer amount of golden-haired distant relatives I will have to constantly deal with. My future aunt by marriage has slowly begun lecturing me about what it really means to be the wife of a High Lord, though I am yet to figure out whether she does it genuinely or out of necessity.

Regarding Lord Monster - he seems to be much of a... family man. The number of his relatives that live at the Rock, while nowhere near the number of Freys, certainly is considerable. I pondered upon this one night, and not having truly met and interacted with the man, I couldn t really tell his motivations. Someone watching from an outsider's perspective might say that he does it because he is actually concerned about his family's well-being, but having spent some time talking to and observing the extended Lannister family, I'm not sure if he really cares for them that much. Something Ser Tygett - on one of the rare suppers he had with us - pointed out, rather spitefully it must be noted, made me think that maybe Lord Monster does so because he likes people being indebted to him. Either way, this enormous family will be a part of my responsibilities in the future, and as such catering to their needs is important. Lady Genna made sure I knew that by her narrowed eyes and the suspicious glances.

Kevan Lannister is far kinder. He is a quiet man, not quarter as bossy, and more a peacemaker, follow-the-leader type than his elder brother or sister. I don't speak much with him, to be honest, but I respect him much more than most other Lannisters. He is the one who supervises the finances of the mines under the Rock and around Lannisport, as well as lends a hand in the trade units. Often Jaime is required to accompany and assist him, something that is not appreciated by him at all. He is easily bored by petitions as well. Truthfully I don't think he'd make a very good ruler, but being the golden son no one speaks against him. I only mentioned it to him once, weeks ago, and his reaction made it clear that he's not interested in ruling one bit. He dreams of winning glory in battle and being a famed knight like his Kingsguard idols. It's not that he'd be absolutely terrible at being Lord of Casterly Rock, really - it's only that the potential seems to bore him to death. I feel pity for him sometimes, to be honest. It's just his bad luck that he was born a first son.

Concerning birth order and such family things, a Prester cousin of the Lannisters gossiped at the sewing circle the other day that the reason why Lady Genna is so indifferent towards me is because I'm the "less beautiful, less intelligent Tully sister. Why should the Starks get the better one and the Lannisters only the second-best?" I couldn't help but snort at the not-so-subtle way in which it had been said. Less beautiful? Fine, there's some truth to that. Less intelligent? Uh… no, woman. Childish as it is, I am inclined to believe that Lady Genna's dislike has more to do with the fact that a few years down the line I will be taking over most of her job and her days at bossing over people will be at an end. Ha. That sounds like a delightfully sunny prospect.

Something else that makes me quite pleased, though, is that Lady Dorna is pregnant. She is a nice, gentle woman and deserves all the happiness in the world, as does Ser Kevan. From what I can tell they married late in their lives, and there is a certain age gap between them. She had been held a hostage in the Rock when she met him, and I have to admit, it is somewhat romantic. Now that she is expecting a child, her entire world has lit up - she is always beaming, always smiling. So happy. I always thought that the nine months of carrying a baby in the womb gave one short tempers and whatnot. Clearly such is not the case for Lady Dorna - she has already decided on names, even. Lancel for a boy and Janei for a girl. I wonder if I will be this joyous bearing a child, when that possibility comes to pass. Needless to stay, it makes me quite... uncomfortable.

Jaime and I are… Well, something happened a week or so ago. I accepted his offer to help me with using the dagger, and we had taken to meeting in the Stone Garden early in the day before I was expected to report to Lady Genna. It was a good enough arrangement, really, and I'd begun truly enjoying it after a while. Jaime is, however cocky and arrogant, fun to be with. A lot of fun to be with, sometimes. One morning I don't know what came over me. I couldn't help myself. He had been right in front of me, joking about something or the other while we took a break. I found the moment really hard to resist and, uh, stole a kiss. Yes, I actually did it. Jaime was shocked, but not nearly as much as I was - I have never been the one to take the first step. Never. Every time I had been kissed before, it had been the guy who had initiated it. This once it was me, and for a few moments it was almost like Jaime even responded, started returning the kiss, and I felt so good - but just like that it was all gone. He pulled back, flustered, muttered some excuse and ran away from the Stone Garden.

Disappointment clouded all over me. How stupid am I? I don't even know how Jaime feels about me. I regret that kiss so much. He hasn't spoken to me properly after that. In fact, I'll even go so far to say that he is avoiding me. Addam maintains that he doesn't think so, but he is lying. I know that. Jaime stood me up in the Stone Garden the next day and every day after that. I'm so scared that he views me wrongly. I so hope he doesn't. I can't tell what he's thinking, what's going on in his mind at all. I can't help feel apprehensive. What if I've mucked it all up because of one impulsive action? We'd been doing so well until then. I'd begun thinking that perhaps of all the potential futures I could have in this medieval muddle of a world, one as Lady of Casterly Rock would not have been so bad. I don't know what to do now. I'm even somewhat afraid of approaching Jaime in fear of embarrassment.

At least he hasn't told anyone. I am thankful about that. Even Addam, without doubt his closest friend, doesn't seem to know what exactly happened. That something happened, yes, but none of the details. Tyrion I think is catching on that Jaime and I aren't talking; that boy is far too smart for his own good. It is an unkind thing to say, but whatever he lacks in looks, he makes up for in intelligence. That does not mean that he isn't fascinated by swords and the like. He watches the men-at-arms train with all the concentration his eight-year old self possesses. Most squires jeer at him and mock him, say that he will never be able to fight like they can, and I think he knows that somewhere inside, but he still watches when he can. He reminds me of Edmure but at the same time the two of them are very different kids. He's even like Marq in some aspects. Like Jaime in some others. Tyrion Lannister is hands down one of the best things about Casterly Rock.

Lately he has taken to exploring the secret passages, exits and hideouts that are present throughout this monstrosity of a castle. It's really cool, actually - you can never know where a 'hole in the wall' might be and which little tunnel leads where. I've accompanied Tyrion and Addam (who is pretty much an unofficial guardian of his) twice after the incident in the Stone Garden and I've even learnt plenty in that time. Addam told us how there are such secret passageways in Ashemark, his home keep, as well as Kayce, where his mother is from. Tyrion took this to mean that majority of the castles must be having these - if not all. I contradicted that, saying that I'd never known of any in Riverrun, but Tyrion brushed that off saying that I just hadn't looked hard enough. It's an exciting idea, that there might be such hidden routes inside my home, something I'm definitely going to write to Edmure about.

It's getting warmer outside for sure. This has been a very mild winter, "only" two and a half years, and it's popularly believed that spring is coming. Needless to say, I'm quite looking forward to it. While the Tourney of Harrenhal I am still not that keen about, there's the wedding after that, for which I get to go to Riverrun. Casterly Rock may be a brilliant place, exciting and everything, but it is the peacefulness of the Riverlands that I crave at the moment. I had hoped to ask Jaime if he would come with me for the wedding but I'm a bit too apprehensive to approach him right now. I hope I haven't spoiled everything on that front just yet...

notes: The good news is that I have completed writing the first arc. This is the third-last chapter of this story, and then on to the sequel! Thank you very much for the reviews, favourites and follows on the previous chapter, and as always I urge you to tell me what you thought about the events in this entry. I'm going to update very soon, and again, you're welcome to leave suggestions and such in your comments :) Cheers!