7. Overload

No pain had ever hurt me as badly as watching from afar as the love of my entire existence held contentedly onto her new love. The burn of the fire that transformed my body into its new incarnation, scarred and unrecognizable, was nothing in comparison to this pain. I had taken too long to remember her and even longer after that to believe that she might love me despite the monster I had become in the face of the atrocities of war and thirst to spill blood in the name of survival and it he process I had lost her forever.

My heart crumbled as I saw her cuddle lovingly in the arms of her new life, eyes aglow with love and adoration... her life with me completely forgotten. I would never again feel her hands on my face or her lips on mine. I could cross that street and tell her I was alive and well and wanted my wife back, my life back, but I loved her too much to shatter her life now that it was actually happy. So I did the hardest thing I ever had to do in my time on this planet, I turned my back and walked away, leaving her to her new happy life and blissfully ignorant of my existence.

I paused from my reading taken aback by how entirely different this novel was from the rest of the novels she had published in recent years. As a rule she wrote novels based during the civil war while this one was based in the time immediately following World War II. The main character, Jack Wilson, having been lost in the war, wandered the French countryside with no memory of his life and no identification and once he finally remembered who and what he was, he returned home to find his wife, Vivian, had remarried and was happily living in blissful ignorance that he had survived. The novel was excellent and rife with much stronger and more detailed emotions than any of her past works and I found myself sucked into the story, desperately wanting to read more.

A few hours later I was reaching the conclusion of the book. Jack received word that Vivian was in trouble. Her husband had been killed in a car accident and she was on the verge of financial ruin and would soon be homeless. He wasn't sure of the proper course to take, but finally decided that he couldn't stand by and allow her to lose everything without him at least trying to help. He knew that if she figured out who he was, it would be jarring for her, but he couldn't stand by and do nothing. He traveled back to the town and stood outside of the white house that was a far cry from the pristine state it had been in during a happier time in her life. He began to cross the street, but paused at the sight in front of him.

My heart pounded in my chest and I couldn't take a breath. Through the front door of the house emerged a teenage boy who appeared to be fifteen or sixteen. He turned back and said something into the doorway before running down the sidewalk to jump into the passenger seat of the car parked out front. Vivian suddenly appeared in the doorway yelling out to the boy getting in the car, "Andrew Jack Wilson, you be back by ten or else! Understand me?"

"Sure thing Ma!" I felt my knees begin to buckle as the realization crashed around my head. The age, the fact that he looked so much like me at that age, and his name...MY NAME, except the middle and first names were reversed, and he had my last name. I had a son…I had a son and I never got a chance to get to know him. The cruel realities of my life crashed around me as I screamed out at the universe for the perverse way that it kept dealing me blow after blow. I lost my wife and all of these years with my son, all because of a war that I couldn't run away from, and a cruel twist of fate that left me wandering for years without a memory of who I really was or what I had left behind.

I was too late. I would never recapture the years I had lost, but could I find a way to forge forward? Could I rejoin their lives from here on out? Would she even want me to make myself known after so many years of believing I was dead? I was so lost in my own agonizing realizations and thoughts that I hadn't even noticed she approached me.

"Excuse me sir, are you okay? Do you need a doctor?"

I looked up with wide eyes brimming with tears. Her voice was still as beautiful as ever, and I should have realized I would draw her attention. She was never one to leave someone in pain to their own devices, even a complete stranger, which is what she believed I was at this point. Our eyes locked and I couldn't find the words to speak to answer her. She was older of course, but if it was possible, she was even more beautiful than the day I married her.

I opened my mouth and closed it a few times before I registered the look of shock in her eyes as she collapsed on her knees next to me with tears in her eyes and her hands covering her mouth. "Jack?"

My eyes opened wider and I tried once more in vain to find words, but when I could not I simply nodded.

I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't expect what happened next. Suddenly I was wrapped in Vivian's arms as her small,l far too thin body shook with sobs. "Oh God Jack! They told me you were dead! Oh my God!"

I reached my hands to hold onto hers as my own sobs racked my body in convulses, still unable to form any words, but relishing the warmth of her embrace that I hadn't experienced in so very, very long.

"Oh Jack, I never stopped loving you! I missed you ever single day! Thank you Lord for bringing him back to me…Oh thank you!"

Her declarations deepened my sob for all of the countless lost years, my stupidity, and the unending cruelty of fate. Finally after we both sobbed for what seemed like hours she wiped her eyes and stood next to me offering me her hands.

"Come with me Jack. Come home with me so we can talk. There are many things I need to tell you, and I have a feeling that you have some things you need to tell me as well."

"OUR Son?" These were the only words I could make my mouth form. She nodded with a sad smile before taking my hand and leading me into the warmth of a life I had missed so very much.

I dropped the book on the floor with a loud clatter as I finished reading the final chapter. My breath had sped as I thought about the greater implications of this book. There were reasons this story was so different from the others. There was a greater underlying meaning to this five hundred page parable. I stood up walking in a confused daze as I made my way downstairs to find Ginny.

I froze as I looked across the living room to see her sitting in the corner with her knees folded up to her chest and her arms wrapped protectively around them with tears streaming down her face. I could feel sadness, fear, and hope all intermixed in the air around us, and then I started to understand as I stood with wide eyes as they locked with hers.

"Ginny…wh…what was my middle name?"

She closed her eyes and whispered barely loudly enough for even my vampire hearing to pick up, "Aaron."

In that instant my knees buckled and I hit the floor with a resounding crack as the wooden floorboards beneath me cracked and buckled slightly. It was then that a stream of memories, unbidden by Ginny, washed through my mind.

Holding hands with Ginny in our childhood, holding Ginny in my hands at the formal dance, sitting across from her during the supper with the rest of the officers at her father's home, walking with her arm draped through mine sending chills of excitement through my body at the contact as she took me to examine our initials in the tree, carving the heart around the letters. Then new memories surfaced.

I waited by the tree with our initials for Ginny to walk by. She had mentioned that she took daily walks in this park. I waited hoping that our tree was at least a part of the reason why she walked this direction. Soon my wish was granted and Ginny appeared in front of the tree, looking at it lovingly and tracing the freshly carved heart with her fingers. I spoke up behind her causing her to jump but the surprise was immediately replaced with a beaming smile.

"Hello Virginia, I was hoping you might cross this way today."

"Jasper!" She clutched at her chest for a moment, but the smile never left her face. "You startled me!"

"I'm sorry Virginia."

"Jasper…could you please call me Ginny? My grandmother is Virginia and to hear you call me that makes me feel very old."

I smiled and fought to make my heart and breathing slow to a normal cadence. I was excited that I was allowed such a familiarity to be allowed to call her by her first name, but now she admitted to disliking that name and allowing me a nickname. I was thrilled.

"Of course Ginny."
Suddenly Ginny looked around nervously before whispering hastily. "Jasper, I have to go, Mother will be lookin' for me if I don't get home soon. Can you meet here again tomorrow? I'll make up an excuse to stay out longer so we can talk."

"It would be an honor Ginny," I answered taking her hand and kissing the back of it gently while keeping my eyes on hers. The feel of her skin, the look in her eyes, everything about her made my heart soar. I watched her walk away swiftly and did allow myself to move until she was completely out of sight.

The next day I waited and to my joy she arrived in our spot at the same time as the first. We sat and talked for the better part of an hour surrounded by the grove of trees giving us cover from the outside world. With every intelligent word to leave her beautiful lips I fell a little more I love with her.

We continued like this for an entire week, meeting every single day doing nothing more than sitting in the seclusion of the trees. By Saturday I knew there would never be another woman in the entire world for me. I knew I was being forward, but I couldn't resist reaching forward to brush my fingers along her cheekbone. She blushed a beautiful pink and smiled as she leaned into my touch. I leaned forward and brushed my lips on her cheek once before letting them brush lightly atop her lips.

"Ginny, I love you." She paled at my confession and then smiled brightly with tears in her eyes and I swear I had never seen anything more beautiful. She didn't have to say the words back because I saw them in her eyes and her smile. In that instant I was overtaken by a compulsion more strong than any I had ever experienced. I immediately jumped up onto one knee taking her hand in mine.

"Virginia Scarlett Benjamin, will you do me the eternal honor of becoming my wife?"

Her tears flowed down her cheeks as she stared at me with a shocked expression. "Jasper, I can't believe this is you proposin'. Mr. propriety is asking for my hand without the permission of my father first?"

My heart plummeted thinking that this was the answer to my question as I looked down at my feet in defeat. A second later I felt the velvet of her hand tuck under my chin and tilt my face up to look into hers.

"Jasper, that wasn't a rejection, just a surprised observation. My father be damned! I'd like to see him try to stop me from marryin' you. You're the only man I've ever loved and I've loved you for as long as I can remember. I'd be honored to be your wife!"

I sucked in a deep breath as my heart soared and I smiled as I pulled her to her feet and wrapped her in my embrace as she folded herself happily into my chest with a sigh. I looked down at my beautiful bride to be and leaned down to kiss her, this time allowing the passion I dared not share before in the exchange.

We sat side by side in the parlor of the Benjamin house with our hands intertwined as we listened to her parents screaming at us in anger and fury. We had done this all wrong from the very beginning. We had broken every rule of propriety and etiquette and risked bringing great scandal on the entire family, but we didn't care. The more we talked about it, the more we were certain that her family, and in particular her mother, drove us to this through her actions that began years ago the day we first carved our initials into that tree. Finally after hours of listening to them rail against us and our unseemly activities, they agreed that the only recourse now was to allow us to marry and lead everyone to believe that the match had been ordained all along.

I was nervous as I stood in the clearing of the park in front of our tree with the minister next to me and a handful of guests seated nearby. I couldn't wait for Ginny to become my wife. I looked at the crowd and was unnerved by the burning looks staring up at me. It was obvious that there were very few in this crowd who were pleased with our union. I was starting to get really anxious until she suddenly appeared on the far side of the crowd with a white lacy gown framing her beautiful body, a while lacy veil hiding her face, and a bouquet of sunflowers clutched in her glove encased hands. Even through the veil her smile glowed at me and I knew that the only person I cared about being pleased with the events of this day was the one hiding behind that veil, and if her smile was any indication, she was ecstatic. We shared our vows and my heart felt like it would explode out of it's chest as the minister announced that we were now Mr. and Mrs. Jasper Whitlock and I could now kiss my bride. That kiss was the single most wonderful of my life to that point…crowd be damned.

We stood facing one another in the light of the fireplace, both nervous and inexperienced as our hands shook and our feet shuffled. Finally with a nervous step I approached her and pulled her into a gentle and loving kiss. In that moment I could feel our love for one another and the fear began to disappear. This was Ginny and I, together, sharing our love in the most tangible way possible that a man and his wife could share their love. I gently folded her into my embrace as I began to rock with her, dancing gently in the quiet of our honeymoon suite. I was surprised by her actions as she reached forward and began to unbutton my white dress shirt before pushing it gently off of my shoulders exposing my chest. In answer to her move, I carefully untied the strings lacing up the back of her dress loosening them and allowing it to fall to the floor leaving her in her corset and undergarments. Our first moments of intimacy as man and wife continued in this manner until we fell into our marriage bed and united for the first time in gentle lovemaking. I hadn't believed that it had been possible to love her any more until the moment when we were united and then to my surprise my heart managed to grow in order to accommodate the increase of emotion I had for her.

Two days after our wedding, the orders I had been watching for during the course of the last month finally arrived. As the rumors had suggested, my unit was to leave in five days to take up duty in the Houston area guarding supply lines back and forth from the front. After I left the post and informed my men, I immediately went to find my wife in the suite that we were allowed to retain for the remainder of the week. The fear in her eyes as I told her I was leaving was torturous as she collapsed on the bed clutching my collar in her tiny fists and begged me not to go. She begged me to desert and let her come with me so we could live together elsewhere and have a happy life free from the atrocities of the war. It broke my heart to hear her fear, and her begging me to stay, but I knew I could never abandon my men. I would not be a man worth of such an amazing wife, if I were to commit such an atrocity. I spent the five days between receiving the orders and our departure making my wife know that I loved her in every conceivable way.

I was sitting on a dusty dirty road waiting for my men to return from a scouting trip into town for supplies as I re-read the last letter that arrived from my beautiful bride. Her handwriting was so perfect and I love to read her words of love and devotion over and over. I reached into my pocket to feel the new letter from her that I couldn't wait to read, but didn't want to start with my men expected back so soon. Darkness encroached the surrounding sky as I dismounted my steed to address three young ladies asking for my assistance. Before I knew what was happening, I was being attacked by the tiny women and felt a fire begin to burn in my veins of which I had never felt before. One last vision flashed through my mind, Ginny, my bride, I would never see her again. The fire burned white hot in my veins, but the tear that left my eye was not a result of that pain, but rather the loss of my love.

Ginny stared at me with wide eyes, uncertainty heavy in her emotions as she watched me struggle for breath as I digested the new memories. Finally I constructed my thoughts enough to convert them to words.

"Six months…six months we've been living here and you never told me. How could you?"

"You weren't ready." She whispered. "She told me not to tell you until you were ready."

My face shot up to meet her troubled eyes. "She…you mean Alice?" She nodded. "Wh…What did she say?"

"There was more from her than the letter I showed you in Volterra. Three letters were in the package I received. One to me telling me that I needed to reveal the truth to you slowly so that you could absorb it in your own way and heal from the loss of them, the one you saw, and one that is addressed to you alone that I have kept sealed. If you will follow me to my bedroom, I have them stored there."

I nodded numbly and stood to follow her in a daze up the staircase. Alice, what have you been doing my love? Why are you playing these games with me? We reached the door to the one room it the house I had never entered and followed Ginny through the portal.

I looked around with wide eyes at the room before me, my eyes focusing on two old yellowed pictures on the dresser before me. The first was of Ginny and I on our wedding day. We both looked so unbearably happy. I looked at it a long time, studying our faces before replacing it and picking up the second photo. I immediately recognized the woman as Scarlett…my…daughter…and I noticed the man at her side and my breath hitched at the resemblance. Aaron…my son…looked exactly like me in the wedding photo sitting next to this one on the bureau. I stood frozen as I examined the kind eyes and proud stance of my children. Both appeared to be exceedingly intelligent and confident. On the matting surrounding the picture was written Scarlett Virginia Whitlock and Aaron Jasper Whitlock, Dallas Texas 1888. I ran my hands over their faces as a mixture of half a dozen emotions that I had a hard time naming precisely flooded my body.

I sat the photo back in its home gently as I spied a tall bookcase filled with rows and rows of books. I gazed over the titles and author's names and my eyes grew wide as I read the names there. VS Whitlock, VS Benjamin, Benjamin Whitlock, Virginia Benjamin Whitlock, the pennames went on and on for several shelves as the books ranged from aged and yellowed to new and crisp. Then on the next set of bookshelves the names were more varied, but still held many Whitlocks, including AJ Whitlock and Aaron Whitlock. I picked up one of the yellowed copies and opened it to see the ancient typeset of a history text and I read the foreword in surprise.

This text is dedicated to my parents, Major Jasper Whitlock, who died in the service of the Confederate Army before my birth, and my amazing mother Virginia Whitlock who passed before my fifth birthday, but will forever hold a place in my heart. I dedicate this work to your sacrifice and the love that you showed in your brief, but forever cherished, influence in my life.

"I missed everything," I whispered. "If I had just left with you, I would have known them…loved them…loved you." I looked up at her crumpled body on the bed as her eyes shimmered with tears.

"They were both good people Jasper. We should both be proud…but the past is not somethin' we can change now. We can only look forward."

I turned to look at her. "Yes, but it still hurts."

"I know," she whispered. Her voices sounded so small and broken and I understood. I felt every bit as broken in this moment as she sounded. How had she lived all of these years knowing and remembering everything with all of this pain? It was excruciating.

"Here are the letters," She said handing me the two envelopes, one open and one sealed. "You can read the one to me if you wish, but the unopened one is the one for you."

I nodded. "I need to go…I need to read this in solitude."

She nodded weakly. "I understand."

I ran out of the house and into the woods as fast as my legs would carry me finally collapsing in a clearing at the northern border of the preserve. The dry sobs shuddered through my body as the full weight of what I had learned today hit me and I felt helpless and clueless as to what comes next. After several minutes my sobs quieted and I gingerly pulled the envelopes from Alice out of my pocket as I settled on the ground.

I looked at both envelopes for a long time before choosing to read Ginny's first.

Ginny- I know this all makes no sense to you and I don't have time to say more than the basics. I know who you are, and I know what you had with Jasper. I wish I could say that I'm sorry for taking him away from you, but he has been the shining beacon in my life and I can't honestly say that I would be willing to give him up freely, but I do feel sorry for the years that you have spent alone missing and loving him. I know what it means to love Jasper so completely, so I hope that you will some day find it in your heart to forgive me for holding onto him. I didn't discover your existence until I began frantically searching the future in an attempt to find a way to save my Jazzy and that is when I saw him reading your book and realized how everything happened and that you found him after we had already found each other and the rest of our family. I am so sorry you had to see us together in that way and the pain it must have caused you. I hope you can forgive me.

I just hope that this works and you can save my love and maybe in the end you can save each other. I know for a fact that after our death he will go to Volterra in an attempt to end his life. You MUST go and stop him. You can't tell him everything up front though…he will be too broken to be able to observe it and you will ultimately push him away and back to them if you don't do as I suggest. Start off slow; when you first meet your power will automatically spark a memory of your past without you trying. This will peak his interest. Only admit to knowing him from his human life and nothing more. Help him to see us one last time in Rome. It will hurt him, but it will also help him say goodbye. After that, don't try it again until he comes to you and asks to see more. Trust me, it will happen so just be patient and give him his space. Once you begin to show him the past, be careful and do it slowly and let him piece it together himself. Don't tell him, make him ask you.

I know this is going to be very painful and difficult for you…particularly the keeping things from him as your friendship develops, but you must. It's essential. I see it taking at least six months before he's finally ready to piece things together. Retype your book and send it off today. It will come just in time. When the book arrives, expect the truth to come to light soon after. I'm sorry that things had to be so hard for you, but I hope that in doing this, you can help heal each other. Good luck to you and please take care of my love for me. –Alice

I read the words in the letter to Ginny over and over in complete and total shock as my anger began to fade at Ginny ever so slightly. She was following Alice's suggestions. Alice knew that if I found out too much too soon I would leave immediately unable to deal with the emotional strain, but what will I do now? I wasn't even close to having the emotional tools to deal with the bombshells I kept getting today. I put the letter to Ginny back in its envelope and ripped open the seal on the letter for me.

Jazzy- I know you're sitting in that clearing to the north of the preserve right now, confused and angry at me for putting you though all of this. I did it all for your own good. You deserved to know. You should have known years ago, but I understand why she didn't come to you. We were finally happy together and in love, your children were already long gone from this life, and your reaction to her news would have probably been just as bad if not worse than it is at this point in your life. She loved you enough to walk away and suffer in silence and allow you to be happy with me. That kind of self sacrifice deserves to be commended, not condemned.

I know you are angry for the months that you have lived with her and you're feeling betrayed right now, but she was working from my directions. I fought for weeks to find a way to save you when I saw you going to Volterra and when I found her I was both heartbroken and relieved, but as I looked at the different way you could learn your past from her, I kept seeing you going back there again later and I couldn't allow that, so I observed over and over the different ways and times that she could reveal the truth to you and I finally found a timeline that ended better. All that both she and I have done during this whole thing has been for you own well being and completely and totally out of love, on both of our behalves. Please us both with forgiveness.

My time is growing far too short with you and for me to finish this letter to you. I want you to know, my Jasper, that I will never regret a single moment that I had you in my life. You were the life and the love that I never dreamed I would be blessed to receive and am so grateful to have had the opportunity to live. I will love you for all eternity, even enough to send you to be with the one other person in all of creation that loves you as much as I do and can make you just as happy as you were with me. Yes fate had a messed up way of working it all out, but you were meant to be with her just as much as you were to be with me. I only got you once and for far too short of a time, but she is the lucky one that will get to have you twice, once in your human life, and if you will finally let go of us and let yourself, you can be happy with her again now. That is my one wish for you my love, please go and be happy and live a full life with the one other person who truly deserves your love. It's all up to you now my dear sweet Jasper, and I hope you take this chance to be happy. All my love, forever –Alice

I sat in the clearing stone still for the next three days as I read her words over and over and over. I stayed there as I mourned for the loss of the loved ones I remembered as well as those I never got the chance to know…my vampire brothers and sister, my wife, my parents, and my human children. I had some had decisions to make, but Alice's words kept flashing in my mind. I had a chance to be happy, but could I be? Could I really ever be happy living in THAT way with Ginny? In all of my existence I had never been so confused and conflicted. I did finally decide that I needed to talk to Ginny some more. I needed more answers and the time was now. I pulled myself off of the ground and hurriedly made my way back to our house. OUR House? Yes…our house…our home. It felt good to say it…I had a home here, and I needed to talk to Ginny to see if I had even more than that.

Author's Note: I'm sorry this is a bit of a cliffie, but It was starting to get pretty long and I ran out of writing time, so I decided to end here. I proofread, but I'm really tired after having a long night up with the baby, so I might have missed a few things. If you catch anything really glaring please PM me and let me know. I hate leaving the goof ups out there if I don't have to. Anyway, we're really, really close to the end…one…maybe two chapters left. Thanks for reading!