Ichigo lay in the dark, going over everything Yuzu had told him. She and Karin were asleep, but it was only a matter of time before one or both started awake. Karin was like himself and could never seem to completely drop her guard. Yuzu of course, was simply plunged into nightmare—also like him.

He sighed. Grimmjow was right—he was amazingly lucky to have them both back, but there was no ignoring the fact that the girls had grown up without him, in this terrifying world, and in some ways, he felt like he didn't know them anymore. They were young women. Karin was a warrior through and through, Yuzu had somehow not been hardened by their post-apocalyptic existence.

And then there was him. In some ways, he was just the same as he had been four years ago. But in other ways, he was completely unrecognizable.

It would just take time, to get used to one another again, for them to get to know each other again.

Just like it would take Grimmjow time to figure out what was wrong with him. Ichigo hadn't told Rukia about the things Yuzu had said—about things Cino did to humiliate and control Grimmjow—about the boy he'd had to kill. He wasn't sure what to do with the information. For now, he decided to just leave it be. Grimmjow was a private person, it wasn't up to him to share what had happened.

The next morning he ran into the man in question. Grimmjow was scratching at the skin around his cast.

"They didn't take it off?" Ichigo asked him when he caught up.

"Two more weeks," he grumbled, clearly annoyed. "It's been on here forever."

"It was a seriously bad break."

"You don't have to tell me that." He dropped his hand. "So you going when the soul reapers decide to attack the Vandenreich?"

"What, has Soifon said she is?"

"Of course she fucking is, why else would she want every detail I know about their territory?"

"I know that, but no date has been set."

"She's close, I can tell. But when she asks you to go with her, will you?"

"...I don't know. What about you?"

"I'm bored as hell, but I'm not dumb either."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean there ain't shit up there that's important. Crossing the water, getting into their borders—it's all pointless. All you'll find is them living in the same shit conditions as the rest of us."

"Is that really all you saw when you were up there?"

"Pretty much. What's got me interested is why all the trouble down around Tokyo?"

They continued to get reports about increased violence but they couldn't attribute all to the Vandenreich for certain.

"Yeah, but I also understand wanting to see their base of operations."

"Waste of time," Grimmjow insisted and took another hallway, heading back to his place.

"Hey, the girls are having a 'girls night' tonight," Ichigo called after him.

"A what?" He spun back around.

"Rukia and the girls are having a 'girls night.' She thought it might be good for Karin and Yuzu to have some fun."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I just thought you might want to have some drinks with me and Kenpachi."

"So you mean, a guys night?"

"Well, yeah I guess."

"Sorry kid, I don't do that sort of thing."

"Why—"

"Later." He continued down the hall.

Ichigo sighed. "Oh well, I tried."

That night Ichigo returned late from Kenpachi's quarters. Hisagi and Iba had joined them, as well as Shinji. Toshiro had been there, but he didn't partake of any liquor. Ichigo had drank some, but resisted the temptation to get drunk. He'd never really gotten used to alcohol. He'd lost that time of his life when he should have been drinking and going out to clubs to the war. And since the Clash he couldn't risk getting drunk due to the constant dangers of living on the streets, a wanted man.

Grimmjow however, seemed to be drunk half the time now. He certainly was that when Ichigo opened his bedroom door and found the espada on one of the beds, cigarette burning in one hand, half empty bottle dangling in the other.

"I thought you didn't do guys night," Ichigo said, shutting the door behind him and turning on the lights. Grimmjow hissed and shut his eyes.

"I don't. That's why I'm here and not in Kenpachi's room."

"So you were waiting for me."

A shrug.

"Grimmjow what is it?"

"I just wanted to know what Yuzu told you, the other day."

"Oh." Ichigo sat on his own bed.

Grimmjow sat up slowly. "So, alot then."

"She's worried about you."

This made Grimmjow laugh. He sucked back on his bottle again.

"Well you've given her reason," Ichigo continued. "I mean look at you."

"Fuck you, Kurosaki."

"You know I owe you, Grimmjow, big time. Yuzu wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. So if you need something—anything—I'll give it to you." He intentionally did not say help. Grimmjow watched him.

"There's no undoing what's done," he said finally, some of his hostility dropping.

"What's that mean?"

"Means I'm stuck here. I lost everything when Cino got me."

"You mean you want to leave? You want to go back to the way you were living?"

"At least I was living. What am I doing here?"

"You're safe. You're not alone."

"I'm stagnating."

"It's just an adjustment."

"It's waiting—just waiting for it to end. For what? Ten years, twenty? Are you telling me you're going to sit in this damn pillar until you get old and die?"

"Grimmjow that's not what we're doing here."

"Yes it is, and when you figure that out you'll want out too."

He seemed torn between anger and exhaustion. Eventually he sank back on the mattress and continued to puff smoke into the room.

"It bothers you that you didn't kill him, doesn't it?"
"Of course it does," he muttered. "That bastard took everything from me and he got off scott free."

"I think you took everything from him as well."

"It's not enough."

"I know."

Grimmjow turned to him at this. "Like you would kill him, you're such a fuckin' pansy."

"Grimmjow, you told me what he had done to my sister."

The espada watched him. Eventually he nodded and his eyes turned back to the ceiling.

"She wouldn't like it if she heard you say that."

"I know. Yuzu wouldn't want me to do that for her. But I would. I'd do anything for them." Grimmjow stubbed out his butt and sat back up. With one last swig he emptied his bottle.

"Why don't you kill people, Ichigo?"

The question caught him off guard as much as the use of his informal name.

"Because they're still people, even if they're bad. If you kill someone, you take away everything they'll ever be."

He watched Grimmjow's hand tighten over the empty bottle and he guessed he'd said the wrong thing.

"You're the most naive son of the bitch in the world, you know that?" He spoke without looking at him, his voice far from sincere.

"Grimmjow?"

"I don't give a shit about who those men I fought could have been. They made their choice, just like me."

"But it was different at the glads, wasn't it?"

"I saved those poor bastards from another day in a cage." He rose and headed for the door. "I gotta go."

"Grimmjow." Ichigo's hand came up and shut the door again. Grimmjow remained where he was, hand on the knob, back to Ichigo.

"I've killed more men than I can remember, Ichigo."

"I know."

"It's like you said, I took away everything they ever could have been. But I don't care about that. I don't care about them."

"The slaves didn't choose to fight you. You care about them."

"I don't."

"I think you do and you just don't understand it, Grimmjow. I think Cino made you do things you wouldn't normally do."

"You forget who I am kid."

"You're not an espada anymore, Grimmjow, you're human."

Grimmjow's hand fell away from the knob. He turned to face Ichigo. "What does that mean?"

"It means coping with a conscience."

"You mean guilt? You think I feel guilty?"

"Yeah I do."

"That's fucking rich."

"Then what did you do to piss Cino off, Grimmjow? What didn't you want to tell me the other day?"

Grimmjow's eyes glinted hard as steel. "I know Yuzu fucking told you."

"Then just say it."

"Fuck you, Kurosaki." But Ichigo didn't let him shove him awak. Instead he got the upper hand, and it was Grimmjow's back that hit the wall. Ichigo held him there, eyes just as hard.

"You can't, can you?"

"Let me go!"

"It will just keep building, until you do something about it."

"I did do something!"

"What?"

"I saved her!"

Grimmjow tried again to shove him back but his drunkenness was against him now. Ichigo held him by the shoulders while Grimmjow gripped the front of his shirt with weakening fingers.

"I didn't let Cino win. I didn't let them kill her."

"But one life doesn't equal another. And Yuzu showed you what innocence is, what being a child is. You had to save her, because you finally understood what it is to be human."

"Don't you fucking try to analyse me."

"Then just say it."

"I fucking killed that boy!" The scream escaped him before he could stop it. "He cried but he told me to. He asked me to. And I did. In that fucking arena I slit his throat and watched him die!" He let go of Ichigo entirely, out of breath from screaming. He dropped his head and Ichigo let him go. "And when I told her, I thought she'd scream, be afraid of me, cry..."

"But she didn't, did she?"

He shook his head. "I wanted her to hate me. But she's just as fucking naive as you."

"I think the word you're looking for is understanding."

Grimmjow gave a laugh filled with despair. "Yeah maybe it is."

"Grimmjow I'm sorry you ever had to make that choice. But if you hadn't, I wouldn't have gotten my sister back."

"You just said a life doesn't equal a life."

"It doesn't. You can't undo what you did, but you can honour the life you took from him, by using yours to protect others, like you did for Yuzu. Like the soul reapers are trying to do here."

Grimmjow gave a shake of the head, not so much agreeing as acknowledging what Ichigo said. Then he ran a hand over his face and pushed off from the wall.

"I gotta go."

"Just sleep here."

"Yeah, as if." But he stumbled when he opened the door and gripped the frame for support. It was clear the liquor had caught up to him. He looked half about to hurl. "On second thought, do you have any water?"

"Yeah, just sit down before you fall down."

Grimmjow mostly fell onto the bed with a long groan. Ichigo grabbed him a canister of water while he held his head and tried to make the world stop spinning. After downing a few gulps, he made a pained noise and Ichigo really thought he was going to throw up but he just rolled to one side and passed out in seconds.

Ichigo sat back down on his own bed, watching him, knowing the man he saw now was far from the man he'd met in Tokyo.

Thanks for the reviews! Hope everyone had good holidays!

Riza