February 5th

Dear Journal,

Good day of school today. I sat with Jason and Sarah and their friends. Jason is so cute; he acts like I don't know he likes me or something. Afterwards I went over to his house to study. Sarah kept saying, "aw, you guys are adorable" and stuff like that when he would put an arm around me or 'accidentally' touch my hand to show me something. Hopefully he will put the cute, romantic stuff off until we don't have an audience.

After that I went home, I still had some studying to do but I was tired so I thought it would be nice to take a nap before dinner. It was 4:30 so I figured I could take a half-hour nap and still have enough time to finish up English before the crock-pot meal was done.

Grandpa had the heat on, so even though it was still freezing outside, I was comfortable without a blanket so I just lied down and feel asleep. I don't remember my dreams, I rarely do. It didn't seem like I had been sleeping long when I suddenly got really cold, I mean icy cold like someone had dropped a bucket of snow on me.

I snapped my eyes opened and rolled over. I could have sworn I had my body pillow right next to me (I'd been leaning on it while I slept), but the pillow was at the foot of my bed. My head snapped up when I saw something move by the window, but they weren't fast enough. I think they wanted me to see them.

"Cade?" I gasped, trying not to believe my eyes. He had crossed the border in broad daylight? He was in my room? Wait, I was freezing, had he been next to me while I slept? "What are you doing here?!" I demanded, trying to keep my voice low as I got up and stomped over to him.

"I just wanted to see you, bed head," he told me with a mischievous smile and a innocent snicker. His hand brushed the hair out of my face but I push his arm away.

"You can't just sneak over treaty-borders and into sleeping girls' rooms!" I told him, he just rolled his eyes.

"I'm all about breaking the rules, you should know: you broke them with me," he said. I wish he wouldn't joke so much. I needed straight responses. He could see I didn't think this was funny and his face dropped to a frown. "Jenny, look I'm sorry about 'breaking and entering' and all that it's just so hard!"

A bit softened by his honesty I backed up until my knees hit the bed and then I sat down. He walked over to me, my eyes still glaring but it took some effort now. "Hard? Cade, you've got to be making things hard for yourself."

"Maybe, I mean, after last Friday Jacob and Ness got really mad. They grounded me to the house, like house arrest or something. It was terrible, being locked up like some animal. I had to get out, I didn't know where else to go that they wouldn't find me!"

I sighed. I understood what he meant, but this was still so weird. "You're kind of a creeper, Caden. You know that, right?" I told him, half-joking. He smiled, though I'm sure he didn't know I really thought that. He came and sat down beside me, leaning back on his elbows. I tensed up, drawing my arms in to hug myself.

I heard him sigh deeply, that empty sort of sound again. "It feels good to feel normal," he muttered. I didn't answer. Maybe I was being too judgmental. No, that couldn't be; he really should have at least called or something. Then again, I would probably have done the exact same thing: ran away to Jason's house. He wouldn't have minded me just showing up.

"Just call next time, that's a normal thing too," I told him with a smile, my arms still holding me tight. A chill ran down my spine from the open window but I didn't want to have to lean over him to get a blanket.

I felt his weight shift but didn't need to look back at him to know he was watching me. Suddenly, warmth spread over me as his arms placed a blanket over my shoulders. I pulled the blanket around to cover me completely as I felt his hands slide down my arms.

He was now sitting somewhat behind and beside me. I turned to see what was going on with him and our faces were too close for comfort. I looked down to avoid his gaze. I heard him take a deep breath, that same empty sniffing sort of breath. Even with the blanket, I shivered.

I felt his face against my hair, smelling it. His arms gently rubbed my shoulders. I had the strangest mixture of feelings; it was like I felt utter fright and curious desire at the same time and that scared me all the more. I looked up at him, but his face didn't moved from where it had been. I could hear him breathing but didn't feel his breath on my lips.

"Jenny..." he whispered and began to tilt his head forward. This wasn't what I wanted my first kiss to be, but somehow I didn't want to stop him. I don't know how I found the will to speak before his lips touched mine.

"Cade, why did you jump on Jason's jeep the other night?" I asked. He growled in response, letting go of my arms and swinging his legs over to sit on the side of the bed beside me. He was silent and still as a statue. "It was you, wasn't it?" I was sterner this time.

"Yeah, it was me," he confessed. I didn't have to ask 'why' again. "Sometimes my temper gets the better of me. I didn't want him to...you know, it just wasn't right." He looked like a child who knew they had been found out for stealing cookies.

"I think it should be my choice to decide if it's right or not," I told him. Having built up courage, I reached out from under the blanket and took his hand in mine. His topaz eyes lit up. He leaned towards me again, but this time it was mom who interrupted him.

Knock, knock, knock! "Dinner's ready, Jenny!" she said and then I heard her walk away. I stood up to go to the door but remembered Cade still held my hand. I turned back towards him and he caressed my face gently.

"Maybe next time," he said with an odd sort of victorious smirk and then he was gone. Out the window I presume.

How do I end that? Dinner was fine. We had some weird Quileute-style crock-pot meal with rolls? I feel so confused (as always but this is different). I know, positively know that I want to be with Jason. But when Cade is around, I dunno. It's so strange, it's like he seduces me or something. I know that sounds stupid but when he's not here, I want to be with Jason. When he is here, I forget everything but him.

XoXo Jennifer Heartly