February 10th

Dear Journal,

My life is complicated! It's like I'm in some big dramatic soap opera! Last night was really dramatic. I don't understand how Cade can keep coming in my room when 1) I'm asleep and 2) my grandparents and mom are home! Its tempting fate.

Last night I woke up cold, as usual, but this time Caden didn't run away. He stayed where he was. When I opened my eyes, I was ashamed to see that I had been resting with half my body on his. I thought he would have been pleased but he looked thoughtful, almost agitated.

"Cade..."I moaned, rolling off of him. I stared at the ceiling; he didn't say a word. It worried me. Before he had always had some witty reply to everything I said. He just said nothing. I rolled to my side, propping my head up with my arm. He stared ahead. His eyes seemed to be black as the night sky. It must have been the shadows.

"Caden, were you...were you watching me and Jason last night?" I asked. I would feel terrible if he had.

"Yeah," he finally said reluctantly. I reached out a hand and took his hand in my own, trying to comfort him, somehow feeling guilty. He took my hand and pulled it to his face. I tried to pull away as he sniffed my wrist, my veins.

"Cade, you're hurting my wrist!" I told him, pulling with all my might as his grip tightened.

"I'm so thirsty, Jenny. You said it's good to indulge, right?" he said, turning his head to look at me. He was a monster. Unable to moved, his weight pressed me against the bed as I felt his teeth pierce my neck...

Creepy, huh? It was my DREAM. I was scared out of my mind when I woke up. What's more, Caden was there, like in my dream. And like in my dream I was resting on his chest. When I jerked awake, sweating and shaking.

"Jenny? What's wrong?" he asked, truly concerned. He sat up against the bed board, his hands stroking my arms to calm me. For a few moments I wanted to scream, fearing he would hurt me. I looked up anxiously at his face to see his brow furrowed over his topaz eyes. I knew he wasn't a monster...at least not right now.

"Caden..." I simply whimpered and he pulled me to his chest. He held me close and kissed my head, waiting for my silent tears to run out. "I was so afraid. You were..." I felt his whole body tense and he froze for a moment.

"Jenny? Why were you afraid of...of me?" He asked as he tilted my head up to see his.

"A monster," I muttered, looking down. I couldn't make eye contact; I knew my dream would hurt him. "You had black eyes, blacker than I've ever seen and...you were...you..." I couldn't continue. I didn't know if it was the tears and sobs or the fear that stopped me. He seemed to understand. He looked away when I looked at him again.

"Cade, it was just a dream, right?" I pleaded.

"Maybe," he replied softly and I drew away from him a bit.

"Maybe? What are you saying?" My tears had dried up and my sobs had disappeared. He looked at me with pain in his eyes. I knew what he was going to say before the words left his mouth, but I didn't want to believe it.

"Jenny, I'm a..."

"Don't say it," I told him, then mouth 'please' to him. I didn't want those legends to be true. I wanted a normal life, not all this drama and horror and superstition. I wished that dad was still alive and we were stilling living in California.

So he said nothing. I rested against his chest. It felt strange that I was suddenly so comfortable with him, now that I knew the truth for certain. It began to bring up all sorts of questions about the legends, the werewolves in particular. I blocked them out. Lying there with Caden holding me suddenly made me remember Jason.

I rolled off of Cade, his hand still held one of mine. I ignored it. "Did you see us last night? Me and Jason?" I inquired. It made me think of my dream.

"Yes. It was...hard for me," Caden admitted, staring out the window.

"You shouldn't watch me, you know. At least not when I'm with Jason," I told him. I knew Cade wished he could take Jason's place and didn't want to feel guilty whenever I was with Jason. In fact, I knew I should have felt guilty then for being with the strawberry-blonde vam...I'm not writing it. In fact, I wish I did feel remorse.

"If you want me to stop watching, you had better stop being with him," Caden said abruptly. I knew he was serious.

"I can't stop being with him, Cade. I lov..."

"No you don't. You never will," Caden cut me off. I knew he was half right. I didn't 'love' Jason, not yet. But I knew the emotion was building.

"Cade..." I began to correct him, sitting up a bit, hoping to reason with him. But he was too quick. Suddenly his body was hovering over mine with one of his arms by my head and the other by my waist. I lost my breath for a second out of surprise.

"But you could love me," he said as if he was certain, as if he knew me completely, as if he knew the future. But I knew he didn't. He bent his head down towards mine. All my excuses for not kissing him last time were gone. I stayed completely still, my only movement the rising of my chest with each heavy breath.

I kept my eyes on his until his lips reached mine. He was so gentle, put he seemed practiced. His lips caressed mine as if I was his most prized treasure and he was scared if he was more eager he might break me. I tried not to kiss him back, not to encourage him, but within seconds I knew I had failed, even without moving.

I broke away from the kiss, feeling ashamed, knowing I had cheated on Jason. My only comfort was that I felt like I had been tricked into the situation. "It's late," I whispered reluctantly. He smirked, realizing that even though my words told him to go, I wanted him to stay.

Moments later he was gone, out the window.

I wish there was someone I could tell, to sort this all out. I feel like even when I fight my hardest around Caden I always fail. And why can't I at least be afraid of him because of what he is. I wish knowing the truth didn't make me so trusting.

But what's been dwelling on my thoughts the most since then Is that fact that the legends are in part true: vampires exist. And that makes me think, do werewolves...erm, shapeshifters exist too? And what does that mean for my Quileute friends?

XoXo Jennifer Heartly