February 30th
Dear Journal,
I didn't go to work today or yesterday. I called in sick because I feel sick, like dying. And stupid. Yesterday at school I went up to Daniel Uley and asked were Jason was. He just laughed and made some off-color comment. "I know you know what's going on. Now tell me where he is!" I commanded him, but I'm not to good at getting my way.
"Chill, Jennifer Heartily. He'll be fine. You might as well go cuddle with your parasite though, Jason won't be seeing you anymore," he said. What could that mean? Unless Jason was dead, I knew he wouldn't just leave me like that without some explanation. Any explanation. I wouldn't care if he got married to a bimbo in Las Vegas as long as he would just tell me.
Cade came by every night since I called him. He's not so pushy; I think he's finally figuring out his place. He's going to have to settle with being just friends. We're talk more about things now to try to keep my mind off Jason. He answered a lot of questions I had without hesitating and his honest answers were startling.
"When were you first changed in a...you know?" I inquired gently as he stroked my hair.
"September 5th, 1962. I was nineteen, just graduated from high school and went to Vietnam, for the war. It was...nothing like they said. I first joined in 1960, I was a year too young but I got away with it, I don't know how. Anyways, one night I was on patrol and some nomad vampires found me, wanted a 'fresh snack'. A raid came and they didn't have time to finish me. So I changed. It was...terrible."
I could hear the pain and remorse in his voice, but I didn't move. "And how did you meet Jacob? Why did you join their coven?"
"Well, I justified my feeding by living off the enemy. When the war end in the mid 70's I went back to the states. I didn't have any self-control so I was constantly moving. Even time I fed on an innocent life I wanted to kill myself but I didn't think there was any other way to live.
"I ran into the Cullens – another vegetarian coven – two years back. They were already too large but I stayed with them long enough to understand them. They told me of another coven coming here to Washington and said it would be a good start. I went to join the Wolfe coven but...I wasn't used to not having...human blood. I went a little crazy and then Renesemee found me and they brought me up here with them. I'm still not used to eating elk and lions instead of...humans but I'm trying."
I didn't say anything for a long time. To think that Caden had feed on humans, innocent humans. It wasn't even ten years ago, it was probably last year. I was scared to think of what he was like then. Suddenly, I found myself asking the most frightening question I could imagine: "Do you want to...drink my blood?"
I couldn't read Caden's face, he seemed like he was trying to decide something. Finally he answered. "Yes." His answer froze my heart in place and I felt it stop beating. I wondered if my nightmare was some sort of premonition. Was I in danger? I'm pretty sure he knew what I was thinking. Cade took my hand in his and held my wrist to his nose. He breathed in the smell.
"When I smell human blood, it reminds me of every kill I ever made, all the innocent faces flash before me. It also reminds me of the taste of human blood. It's overwhelming how delicious it is," he told me, seemingly intoxicated by the smell of my blood rushing through my veins. It didn't feel right, I pulled my hand away. "I'm sorry for scaring you."
"It's alright," I mumbled, knowing I was completely 'alright' with it.
"Jenny," he began, his hand holding my face gently. "You know I would never harm you. Ever. You're the only person that makes me feel normal. You're the only one who helps me believe I'm not a monster, that I can do this. I can control myself."
"Why?" was all I could manage to answer. I hadn't considered myself normal since mom and I moved to La Push. How could I make him feel normal?
"You remember that one day at the cafe when you gave me your coffee to warm my hands?" I nodded, remembering the occasion. "I think you knew what I was then, even if you didn't admit it. And still you cared, knowing that I was probably a vampire and fed on human blood and had killed people."
"I didn't..."I tried to say, but I knew that even then I had considered the possibility.
"There were other times too, but I just wanted you to know how you make me feel, you don't have to know why," he said, though he seemed to imply that he hadn't shared all of his feelings. He knew I would reject some of them and I was glad I wouldn't have to.
XoXo Jennifer Heartly