March 8th
Dear Journal,
Another week and Jason still isn't back. I hoped he would be at school today, but he wasn't. Cade left a little while ago, I know it's late and I really need sleep, but I keep thinking if I stay up a little longer, Jason might show up. I don't know, everything seems so...wrong.
Caden has been really different. I would think he would be more aggressive now that Jason is gone, an opportune moment to sweep me off my feet. But he has. Sometime he just sits and talks. If I need someone to hold me and be silent, he's there. He strokes my hair when he knows I need comforting and reads me poetry to help me fall asleep.
He's so much gentler. I think it's because he knows I'm at the breaking point. If he tried to...seduce me there is a 50/50 chance that I would either accept him just to forget for a moment or that I would completely reject him forever. I feel entirely bipolar all the time now. Stupid, conflicting emotions.
Tonight I asked him why he was...different. "Because you need me to be a friend right now," was his answer. "I'll be whatever you need whenever you need it." Before Jason left, I was sure he was 'the one'. I know that sounds corny, but it was my first love. Every girl dreams her first will be her last, like some magical fairytale.
But I can't say that anymore. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but – while my heart does yearn for Jason to return – I can't say I've grown fonder for him. Emotions are so tricky. I don't feel the same thing for Cade that I feel for Jason, but I feel something.
I guess I have a lot to think about.
I hope with all my heart that Jason is at school tomorrow and that nothing has changed.
But maybe things have changed already.
XoXo Jennifer Heartly