March 10th

Dear Journal,

Everything has change. For better or for worse? Well, now it all depends on Jason. If he returns and doesn't want me or...doesn't return at all, it pains me to say for better. If he dies, my life will be worse if only because I'll have to choose. I hate having to make big decisions, and this one would probably change the rest of my life, if not at least my years here in Washington.

Last time, Caden came as always. He seemed really nervous and I asked what he had to be nervous about. He told me he had wrote a poem; it was his forgotten hobby until recently...until he met me. I don't remember all of it so to try to repeat it would probably just make it worse, but I remember a few lines, my favorite lines:

She a girl with a broken life that I could fix with a kind heart She a girl with a broken heart that I could fix with a smile She a girl with a broken smile that I could fix with a kiss

I told him it was beautiful, though it made me sad. He asked me why it made me feel sad; I think he thought it had hurt me. "Because I feel so broken," I told him, but I didn't want to look in his eyes so I looked down at my hands which where fiddling with the edge of my blanket.

"I could fix you, if you'd let me," he said, and I knew that he wasn't trying to make a move on me like he had before. I just knew that he actually cared about me, not in the competitive way he had before, but in a way that told me if I wanted to be just friends, he would try to live with that.

"I think you're the only one who can now," I admitted, thinking that I had been completely abandoned by Jason. In fact, I felt abandoned by everyone except Cade. They all tried to act as if it was natural, but I knew something supernatural and strange was going on. I looked up at Cade, his topaz eyes were full of concern.

"Then...hold still, and I will," he whispered. He hesitated for a moment then leaned forward. I closed my eyes, trying to remember perfectly still. His lips touched mine, cold as ice but soft like snow, molding to my own. This time I didn't try to hold back, but I did hold still. I kissed him back slowly. He pulled away to look in my eyes, to know that this was what I wanted.

I put a hand on his face and tilted my head towards him. I tried not to move, but as our lips melting together I couldn't help but let my hands feel his face, his hair, his chest. He seemed to be having trouble too. His hands tried to stay on my shoulders but I felt them drift up into my hair and then one hand fell over my heart.

Suddenly I felt a sharp pain on my lower lip and I pulled back, the taste of blood in my mouth. I closed my lips, swallowing the blood and staring with frightened curiosity at Cade. He had pulled away when I had, but he had been quicker, sharper. He turned his face from me, one of his hands trace his lips. I could see my blood on his fingertips.

"Caden..." I whimpered, scared that he would loose control. I closed my mouth quickly, hoping the smell of my fresh blood wouldn't reach him. He looked at me, his eyes wide but I wasn't sure if it was fear or lust. He swiftly stood and started for the window. "No..." I firmly whispered and made my way to him as fast as I could, hoping not to wake my sleeping relatives.

I took his hand, the clean one. He held his glisten red fingers to his nose and then grabbed his head in anguish. His jaw was set and his eyes were closed tight. It looked like he might have pulled out his hair at any second. "I really need to go...I can't take it. I thought I could be safe around you because...because I care but..." he murmured.

"You didn't mean to, you couldn't have. It was just an accident," I tried to comfort him.

"But it wasn't. You were so close to me, closer than I'd ever thought you'd want to be and when I felt your heart beating, the blood pulsing through your veins my instincts took over," he confessed, still not looking me in the eye, though he had dropped his hand and was looking to the window. "Perhaps it's best if I don't come back," he said with regret.

"No. Jason left me already, you can't leave too," I commanded him, but my voice was weak.

"Maybe he'll come back and then I'll be just a 'creeper' again. What if he hasn't changed and it was just a mistake?"

"I don't want him to come back," I said fiercely. It wasn't completely true, but Cade looked at me bewildered. I had said the last thing he had ever expected me to.

"You don't mean that. It's late, you're just tired..."

"Don't do that! I'm telling you that you're the one I want and you're saying I'm just tired?!" I told him, raising my voice more than I should have. He stepped close to me, putting a strong hand on my shoulder to calm me. I put my hands on his face and pulled him down to kiss him.

"Jenny, I don't think that's a good idea. Your blood..."he said, putting a hand on mine. But I could tell he didn't want to stop me, whether it was because he wanted to kiss me or he wanted my blood, I couldn't tell.

"Caden, you could drink all my blood, you could stop my heart, because it's yours," I told him. Of course, I was just trying to be poetic; look at my seducing him now! But he leaned down so I could kiss him. He was hesitant again, almost not moving as my lips caressed his.

His tongue traced my lower lip, tasting my blood. I didn't stop him. His laced his fingers through my hair and his other hand rested on my lower back, pulling me closer. He began to kiss me back, though more aggressively than before. Again I didn't stop him; after all, this is what I had said I wanted.

He began to suck on my lower lip and I tensed. I could feel the blood being drunk from my lips. My eyes opened and I began to become dizzy. I couldn't push away, he held me to tight. "'ade..." I was able to mumble in distress and he flew back away from me.

I fell to the ground, too week to stand. Caden cursed himself, blood dripping from his lips...my blood. A tear slid down from my eye, but I didn't make a single noise. I was breathing deeply. "I'm so sorry, Jenny. I...I knew I shouldn't have. I could have..." he cursed himself again, pacing and pulling out his hair once more.

"Please don't blame yourself, it was my fault...at least in part. I shouldn't have tempted you. I think we both need to learn control," I said gently. He walked over to me like stone and picked me up in his arms. I could see from the look in his eyes that he was still cursing himself inside. He laid me on my bed and pulled the blankets around me and then he was gone.

I felt so ashamed for having put him in such a tempting situation. But it was unbelievable when he kissed me. It was so different from Jason's kisses.

I still can't say which I'd prefer. But if Jason doesn't come back, I won't have to say anyways.

XoXo Jennifer Heartly