Stage Four: Bargaining
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Whereas William had once been known as the Bloody Awful Poet, in this incarnation he's become William the Bloody Awful List Maker.
Halfrek's questions have reminded William that he is coming to a crossroads, and quickly. It is scant weeks until the night when he'd originally been turned, and though William had resigned himself to living out this life in its entirety, he realizes now that it's not his only option. Drusilla approaches, though whether with salvation or damnation, he cannot say.
He could meet her. He could rendezvous with destiny, eyes wide open this time.
He could go forward, and with the knowledge he now possesses, truly be who Buffy deserves. He could avert so much of the heartache she has had to face as Slayer.
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Here are the options, then:
On one side of the page is the heading 'William', and on the other, 'Spike'.
Under William, in exacting handwriting, he writes, 'Mother'.
It's possible the consumption will make an appearance, but it seems the fresh air and sunshine have done their job, and William intends to insist upon multiple annual holidays at the seaside, never mind the addition of fresh garlic to all their meals. His mother shall not die for many years yet, nor shall she die a monster by her son's hand. If he becomes a vampire, he forfeits his life as her son, and leaves her to live out her life without husband or children. It will take a heart of stone to make such a choice.
For his second point, he writes, 'Wife and children of my own'.
Something he'd desired once, desperately, and in truth still does. William's not the same insufferable fool he was before. He's stronger, healthier, more confident. Less self-involved. Not to mention that the attentions of Miss Underwood have increased his cachet among his peers. William the First had had to be rescued from a dreary and pathetic existence, but William the Second could make a good life for himself. The foundations are well-laid. It's a tempting prospect.
Third on the list is, 'Future might be different now'.
Even if he goes to Drusilla, who is to say she will sire him? Whatever she'd seen in him in his previous existence might be gone this time around. He's not the same bumbling, love-sick fool. Or perhaps she will sire him, but a hundred and twenty odd years into the future, what if it turns out Buffy is not called as Slayer? Perhaps not even born? William will have damned his soul a second time for nothing.
His only reason to give up this life is to live long enough to see Buffy again, but there's no guarantee he will.
Finally, he writes, 'Buffy deserves better'.
Even the shadow demon had thought so.
In this new reality, she doesn't know he exists. Can't miss him, can't be glad he's gone.
It's probably for the best.
William stares at his list thus far, thinking. If his only reason for becoming a vampire is to help Buffy, there are other, less drastic options. He's enumerated them before. A series of letters detailing future catastrophic events, to be handed over to a law firm and forwarded to her at the appropriate time. A time travel spell, allowing him to befriend her as a souled man.
Or he could take out his ex-slash-future vampire family now, and save Buffy the heartache later. He knows where they'll be, knows their habits. Angelus and his two brides would never see William coming.
There are more possibilities than these, on his lists.
For a moment, he can't remember the reasons for becoming a vampire. William dips his pen into his inkpot and pauses to collect his thoughts, nib poised above the other side of the page.
As he makes his first listing under 'Spike', his handwriting loosens and scrawls, without conscious intent. He writes, 'Buffy'. Then underlines it. Twice. Smiles a little to himself as he half-considers drawing a heart next to her name. Certain Dawn would approve, he does, adding a trio of small, interlinked hearts.
Buffy is reason enough to damn his soul once more. He thinks of all the things she's been through… and wants, desperately, to shield her from them. Wants to be her helpmeet, her equal. He won't make the same mistakes again, that's for bloody sure. William knows the lack of soul will be a detriment, but he has faith he can overcome that obstacle. With his eyes on the prize, it'll be easy not to kill, and with the strength and foresight he'll have, Spike can even do good in the intervening years.
There's another point in Spike's favor. William writes, 'Help others'. Spike can do more than simply not commit the same sins. He can stop other evil. Help the helpless. Be a white hat. Thinking of all the good he could do energizes him, and he adds a set of exclamation marks for this point. Mind whirling with the possibilities, William muses on the likelihood of maybe even finding a way to get a proper soul before he gets back to Buffy. He could be her true equal then.
Quickly, he writes, 'Vampire strength'. Going to her as a human is a nice idea, but though Buffy denies it, she needs someone more than human. Someone she doesn't have to protect. With vampire strength, he can give the girl the help she really needs. Watch her back. William's still fairly certain she has a predilection for men of the undead variety, too.
He'd be lying if he didn't say he craved that strength and power for himself also. He misses supernatural enhancements, maybe more so after almost two years without.
The next item - 'Keep Dru away from the Hellmouth'. William knows it would be better to dust her, but even now he feels affection for Drusilla, and recoils at the thought of killing her. Only a callous man could consider ending his maker so blithely. Instead, he can steer her clear of California, and if he's clever enough, maybe even be able to convince her to walk the straight and narrow with him.
William drums his fingers on the table, then comes up with another point for his list. 'Warn Buffy'. Sending letters to the future might work - but it might not. Best if he's there to deliver the warnings in person. He can help her defeat the Master. Keep Angel from reverting to Angelus - well, assuming he doesn't off the bugger himself first. Stop - uh - the Mayor. Keep the other Slayer from falling off the straight and narrow. Destroy the Initiative before it gets started. Warn about Willow's out of control magicks. His list within a list goes on and on, cementing his decision.
Spike it is. He smiles, his choice clear.
A sudden thought gives him pause.
With a heavy heart, he makes one final note in the pro-William column. 'Might not care about Buffy anymore after being turned'. So much has changed for William, there's no guarantee he'll be the same vampire he was before. Who knows what form his demon might take this time around? If he forgets his love for Buffy, he'll have no incentive to give up evil.
The prospect terrifies him.
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As the night of the party approaches, William makes endless bargains with himself.
If I let Dru sire me, I won't kill.
If I become a vampire, I'll seek out a soul.
If I choose eternal youth, I'll know right from wrong, good from evil.
If I damn myself a second time… I'll still remember I love Buffy.
He imagines hurting Buffy again, the way he did before.
Please, God. Even if I give up my soul.
Don't let me forget how to be a man.
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