Hello friends! As always I want to thank everyone who left a review or a PM in my inbox. I really love hearing from all of you because it reminds me why I'm a writer-to make others feel pain and bask in their misery. HAHAAH no not really, but I truly do appreciate knowing that my writing has an emotional effect on you as the reader because that means I'm doing something right, so again thank you all so much!
Apparently, in the last chapter, I failed to notice that my section breaks had disappeared and I apologize for that. Section breaks are important to the narrative of the story with regards to separating point of view sections, or just cutting to a new scene, and I hope your reading experience wasn't screwed up too badly. I wish this website had a decent system of editing an already published chapter without having to take said chapter down. It's all a real hassle.
Also this is a quick reminder that this story is rated M for mature audiencesUvU
Chapter 35 – Confluence
Madelyn crashed through the back door and tore down the hillside. Her head pounded with every step. Gooseflesh formed on her bare arms as a cool breeze rushed around her amidst the rays of the afternoon sun. She heard the back door of the house slam behind her. She went faster.
As the grass gave way to sand, she ran onto the path that wound down the hill towards the dock, gritting her teeth with each step. She was going to have one hell of a migraine before the day was over.
"Maddy, stop!"
No, no, no, no, no. Tears stung her eyes as she climbed onboard the small cruiser and began undoing its mooring lines. Khan jogged down the hillside after her, his boots covering ground in large strides. The boat was almost away.
"I can't do this," she muttered, stepping up into the wheelhouse. "I can't do this. I can't." The boat shifted when Khan stepped onboard. She glared at him despite her tears. "Get off!"
"No," he said firmly. "I will not."
The boat began to float away from the dock, engine humming quietly.
This can't be happening.
She was going to lose him before she was even ready to take him back.
He walked slowly into the wheelhouse, holding her gaze. Her hands hovered over the controls but she couldn't quite bring herself to make them go anywhere anymore. A gentle swell rocked the boat and lapped against its sides.
"You shouldn't have told me," she said quietly. "Why'd you have to tell me?"
He raised his eyebrows, advancing towards her slowly. "I promised you I would never lie to you again. I do not break promises."
She swallowed through the lump in her throat, watching him until he was within arms reach. With every word that rolled over his lips, her chest clenched. "Khan, we can't do this."
"Why not?" His hands slid up her neck, stopping before they reached her cheeks.
Her heart was pounding out of her chest and her mouth had gone dry. She licked her lips. She didn't know what to say.
"I don't have much time left," he said, dipping his face until she could feel his breaths on her skin.
Her face was hot and screwing up and she scrunched her eyes shut. "Don't," she whispered.
There was a moment where his forehead brushed hers, her eyelashes catching his hair as she blinked her burning eyes. In her head, she was trying to explain this any way she could. She couldn't feel this way. Not for him.
But she did. It wasn't just one thing or another. It was everything. It was all of him.
Just as soon as she felt herself start to give way to his touch, she tensed. She twisted her face away enough until she pulled away completely and turned back to face the front of the boat. Her chest rose and fell with alarming vigor, but at least this way she could breathe.
"I need to make a call," she said, opening up a communication panel. She pressed her hands to the controls and steered the boat out into the open water until the call was picked up on the other end.
"This is Dr. Leonard McCoy."
"Bones." She was so angry. "It's Madelyn."
"Oh, hey! I didn't recognize the number. How are ya? Khan's not being a pain in the ass is he?"
She glanced up at him. His jaw was clenched as he stared daggers into the communication panel. She shrugged. "You know, what can you do…"
"You okay?"
She hesitated. The waves and the wind filled the silence that felt like years. "No. No, not really. I wish you had told me before Khan did."
"Told ya what?"
"Just tell me it's not true."
"That what's not true, Madelyn?"
"That he's being put back in cryostasis!"
There was another long pause. "He told you."
She swallowed, feeling her anger rising up again. "Yeah, he did."
"Did he tell you about the torpedoes?"
"Yep."
There was muffled cursing in the background before he spoke again. "I'm sorry, Madelyn. It's all true. I can—"
She ended the call without hesitation, staring out towards the horizon as a heavy emptiness settled over her. "I had to be sure," she murmured.
"I understand."
When she glanced up at him, she was met with his burning gaze. "Why didn't you tell me before?"
"The timing needed to be appropriate. I'm sorry."
She glanced away, feeling a sting of guilt. He was doing it again. Being kind. "I guess there's really never a good time to bring up something like this." She leaned over the boat's controls, feeling so inadequate, so at a loss, the revelation that she was going to lose him suddenly overwhelming her.
Whether he sensed her despair or merely resonated with the awful fact that he had waited two days to tell her what Starfleet was doing to him, she wasn't sure, but she didn't tense when he circled his arms around her. She didn't try to pull away when her back bumped up against his chest. She felt no inclination to separate herself, and when he brushed his lips against the side of her neck, planting a faint trail of warmth across her skin, she melted.
She knew she was crying. It was too hard to just breathe normally. The muscles in her face contracted and it took everything not to just fall apart. He was holding onto her too tightly to let her.
She couldn't do this. She couldn't open up to him if she was going to lose him. That was what her mind told her.
Her heart said otherwise.
Suddenly, she wanted to protest everything. The way he was holding onto her. The way Starfleet thought they could lock him away from the world, while still keeping his crew from him. She hated feeling his hair brush the side of her bruised face. She hated feeling his arms trapping her against him, his fingers pressing through her shirt into her ribcage. She grappled at his forearms, trying to pry him away. He didn't let up. It was like they were glued together.
And she couldn't stand to think about the way he was being controlled. Because it was her fault.
She breathed through an overpowering sob, kicking at the boat's controls with the sheer anger building up inside her. The heel of her flat managed to form a small dent in the casing so she lashed out again. Her foot swung through the air as Khan pulled her away, holding onto her tightly, a silent, solid wall, the only thing keeping her together right now, and the same thing tearing her apart.
She pounded her fists into his arms, no longer fighting him but fighting herself, fighting everything. Then she let out a frustrated moan, realizing there was no point, and went limp. Dashing tears from her eyes, she fought to catch her breath, making him hold up her full weight—which probably wasn't much to him anyway. Her face hurt. Her chest hurt. Her heart hurt.
God, everything with Khan always had to hurt.
She leaned her head back against him as his lips gingerly descended to her temple. The action made her chest tighten. His breath lingered on her skin. "My feelings for you are as absolute as they have ever been," he murmured. "I will have you for as long as I am allowed to, if you will let me."
She swallowed, feeling something within her collapse at the feeling of his voice against her. She was going to start crying again. Now, instead of fighting him, she clutched, wrapping his arm in her hand. If he'd been wearing sleeves, she would have torn them. He was utterly defeated and fragmented and she hated it. She inhaled deeply to try and calm herself, but the action did little to help her. "You really still want me, even with Starfleet…" She couldn't even bring herself to repeat what they were both thinking. "After everything?"
If his grip around her could get any tighter without forcing the air from her lungs, it just did. "After everything. Yes."
It took her a few more moments to get her bearings. Eventually the shaking in her breathing disappeared. Khan's hold around her loosened, allowing her to turn off the boat so that it floated in open water, almost a mile from shore, then she turned and faced him. His hands supported her back now and she leaned back a little, looking up at him. His eyes were rimmed with red, like hers probably were. She sniffed, reaching up to run her fingers through the hair on the back of his head. It rushed back to her how much she loved to do that.
"I feel torn," she said quietly.
"This is my doing—"
"No, it's mine."
Something quirked in his lip and she fought to contain herself all over again.
"You won't be here much longer, but I'm suddenly realizing how badly I—" The words caught in her throat, like they weren't ready to come out. She moved her hands down to his shoulders, leaning back against his hold, appreciative of the support. She didn't have the strength to stand apart from him anymore. "It's like you're out in the water, waiting for me to wade out to you, but I'm too scared to get wet because I know you're just going to disappear when I reach you, and I'll be left cold and alone."
His gaze held a hint of aversion. "Is it too much of me to ask you not to speak this way?"
She couldn't help but run her hands down the strong curves of his chest. The last time she'd done this—well, it felt like a dream just to realize that this wasn't the first time she'd ever touched him. Everything suddenly felt so clear.
She couldn't let her guilt overshadow what had suddenly overcome them both.
"I just don't want to be acting in denial." She felt tears stinging her eyes again. She blinked them away. "I want this time to mean something. It's my fault you're even—"
He let her go with one hand so a finger could descend to her lips, stopping her. "Five days is not a lot of time." His hand descended to her neck, long fingers sliding up into her hair.
"You said the end of the month. That's still a couple weeks."
"I return to San Francisco in five days."
He regarded her with a soft brow, the emotions retreating from his eyes, replaced with something akin to… happiness? No, maybe bitterness. She wasn't sure what she was seeing, but it didn't matter when he pulled her close and lowered his lips to hers.
She inhaled him. His lips mashed against hers, teeth nibbling occasionally while his hands scaled down her back to her waist. Fingers slipped inside her shirt, brushing her bare skin. She combed her fingers through his scalp, his thick hair like velvet to her touch.
She'd forgotten how much of him there was. Too much to handle at once, and never enough. Never enough. He pressed forwards, bumping her up against the boat's controls as she deepened the kiss, sliding her hands over his shoulders, down his sides, around to his back. She could feel very muscle rippling beneath his tight t-shirt as his arms circled around her again, until she couldn't have escaped even if she'd wanted to.
She'd forgotten what it was like to be engulfed by him.
Eventually, she had to come up for air, but their mouths didn't stray more than a few inches. Maybe he just wanted to share her breaths. She didn't mind at all. Her lips felt swollen. She brushed her nose against his, taking his shirt in her fist as though she could hold onto him forever.
This was what she wanted.
"I didn't wake up this morning expecting things to happen the way they have," she whispered. "Actually, I'm not sure I woke up this morning at all. I think I'm still dreaming."
Khan pressed a hot trail of kisses around the edges of the bruises on her face, far gentler than he had been with her mouth. "I hope not," he murmured.
Her heart skipped a beat when he nibbled her earlobe. Still holding onto his shirt, she leaned a little too far back and the boat's controls chirped to life. The engines hummed and they began to move through the water again. She laughed softly and turned enough to take control, Khan's arms still trapping her in place. She bit her lip when he nosed away her ponytail and his mouth descended to the back of her neck, a never-ending expanse of hot air settling across her exposed skin from between his lips. It was extremely hard to focus on steering the boat safely. When he finally reluctantly let up his caresses, he didn't spare more than a few inches between them, clasping her waist tightly with one arm.
They went west down the coast, passing Eastbourne, until they came to the white chalk cliffs at Beachy Head. The sun was beginning to sink in front of them, casting a long, glittering path across the sea and turning the cliffs a brilliant shade of yellow. The rolling green meadows far above were scattered with tiny black dots. Tourists, there to watch the sunset. From down on the water, the cliff faces seemed to rise up out of the sea, untouched by anything, but in reality their chalky composition was extremely fragile and every day meant another fragment of a centimeter of land lost to the waves. One day, maybe in a million years, they would completely crumble into the sea, probably taking Eastbourne with them.
Madelyn brought the boat to a slow halt and turned off the engines. The stillness that surrounded them was only broken by a warm wind.
"The last time I came down here was back in September," she said, gazing up at the jagged chalky cliffs. "I scattered William's ashes from up there." She looked up at Khan, who stood close beside her. "This was one of his favorite places to come when I was a kid. Actually, that photograph was taken right out here."
He understood the reference without her having to explain. "Do you know why I brought that necklace back?"
"To spite me?" She couldn't think of a better answer. His eyebrow quirked.
"No, consider it more of a test. Had you kept it I would've been concerned, as what it represented was a lack of discretion and understanding, mostly on my part. By disposing of it, you rid yourself of all that was left of our past, a past that we both regret for different reasons. I wanted to see where you stood."
She could do or say nothing in response, quietly reeling from the shock of his brutal honestly, so she just smiled faintly. He gazed down at her another moment before directing his attention to the cliffs.
"I would like to go up there. I don't believe the walk would be too difficult."
She could barely restrain her grin. "Just this morning you wouldn't even let me out of my own house."
He reached over and gently traced the side of her face, eyes flitting over the damage he had caused. "You're looking better."
She smirked. "It's that nineteen percent."
"A small but powerful percentage, I assure you."
"Oh no, I don't doubt it. It just sounds so—"
He cut her off with a kiss, his tongue delving into her mouth this time, sucking the air from her lungs. Unimportant, she finished in her head.
She met his kiss feverishly and had to grab at his arms to keep from losing her balance. One of his hands slipped inside the back of her shirt, venturing further this time, his palm sliding along the curve of her spine as she leaned towards him. When she tried to catch her breath, he caught her lip in his teeth and pulled gently. She gasped quietly, trying to come up with a reason not to let him keep going.
"Khan…" she breathed. There was a rumble in his throat as his lips dived down the length of her neck. "Khan, there are people—"
His hands latched around her head as his lips engulfed hers again, making it impossible to explain that there were tourists on the cliffs, who could most likely see them standing on their boat and making out. The thought made her squirm. Despite the way his hands were wrapped tightly around the back of her head, she managed to break away enough to form words before he got distracted again. "There are people watching us. Probably."
His forehead bumped against hers. His pupils had dilated. "Does this fact bother you?"
"Uh huh."
The corner of his mouth lifted in a wry smirk and for a moment she thought he wasn't going to listen to her. Her doubts were vaporized by one firm peck on her forehead, and then he slipped around her, turning on the boat's engines in one swift motion.
"I know a trail that could get us up there," she said, gazing back at the cliffs, now turning a fiery orange as the sun continued to sink. "We'll need to hurry though, before it gets too dark."
"The dark is no concern," he replied, steering the boat carefully towards shallower water. "You could use the fresh air."
"We both could. We've been cooped up in Hastings too long."
"Two days, Maddy."
She slid her hands around his arm, leaning her head against his shoulder. "You made it feel a lot longer."
"You have only yourself to blame."
She felt a tinge of embarrassment, though he was right. She'd done everything she could to avoid him, easy enough to do on her own turf. She'd ignored everything, his clear signals and quiet advances, even his successful attempts at preserving her standing with the law. But worst of all, she'd ignored her feelings, until finally her subconscious had had enough, and now she felt dizzy just considering how quickly they had rushed over her. She felt like she was going in the right direction for the first time in a while. Too bad the right direction would put her right back where she started in just a few weeks time.
Without him.
"I suppose this is better than the alternative," she said after a moment.
"How?"
She turned to look at up him, resting her chin on his shoulder. "You, going back alone, leaving me here alone, to acknowledge that something could have happened between us but didn't."
"The amount of time it took you to admit that just now is impressive."
She tightened her hold on him. "I don't appreciate that."
She saw smile lines for a split second before they disappeared.
She decided to let him guide the boat to their chosen destination, a nearby cove from which the trail she'd mentioned began. She was more than willing to let him take control of something. She reluctantly wandered from his side to give him momentary space and leaned back on the single hardwood bench that ran the width of the wheelhouse. Moments later, she found herself staring at him. Well, more like ogling, and it was hard not to. His shirt clung to him, his shoulders particularly visible from behind. She let her eyes drift lower, chewing on her upper lip at what she saw.
At one point, he glanced at her over his shoulder and she looked away, acting as though she was only enjoying the scenery. When he resumed paying attention to where the boat was headed, she continued to enjoy it, particularly the long, tree trunk-like legs, and biceps that could have been carved from marble.
She still couldn't quite get over how quickly things had changed. It was all because he'd finally told her the truth about his true situation, and about how he felt. She would make these days count. She couldn't ignore the way she felt in return. It would be even worse to pretend she didn't have feelings for him, and to let him slide through her fingers for the last time. At least this way there could be closure between them.
She still needed to be careful. She couldn't let herself fall so fast that she hit her head when he wasn't there to pick her up again. She caught herself several times, mind drifting to places she couldn't quite bring herself to remain comfortably. She wanted to be in those places, where she could feel him beside her, wrapped tight and warm with nothing in the world able to touch her. Even if for mere moments.
He had only been back in her life for a few days and she still had to focus on work and on making sure the gala ran smoothly this weekend. It would take more than a few days to convince her that she would be alright. Meanwhile, she was fully aware that there would be no shortage of things to do when she went back to work tomorrow.
Khan steered the boat into the shallow channel, until there was a faint scraping noise, signaling that there was nowhere else for the boat to go. With the engines powering down, she got up and pulled an old anchor from the storage compartment under the floor and quickly tied it to a mooring line, tossing it to him. He'd pulled off his boots and left them on the boat, stepping barefoot into the water and onto the rocks. Gentle waves splashed around his legs, almost reaching his hips as he knelt and wedged the anchor into a crevice. Madelyn tightened the line until the boat was secure, then started to ease her way over the side.
He made it look easy, but the water was cold and almost came up to her waist. She held onto the side of the boat longer than she intended. He came up behind her and circled an arm tightly around her waist. "Surely the woman who saved my life in the Bering Sea can wade through this shallow water on her own."
She snorted with derision as he lifted her off her feet, pulling her away from the boat. "I guess we'll never know."
He finally let her go in shallower water. She was glad she'd kept her flats on, otherwise the bottoms of her feet would have been shredded by the rocks. Khan didn't need to know that. Stepping carefully and lightly until they reached the sandier bottom, she glanced down at his bare feet with jealousy. When she could walk more freely, she reached down and took his hand. His fingers locked around hers instantly, close to squeezing too tightly.
The wind bit at her wet, bare legs as they crossed the sandy stretch of beach. She hadn't come dressed for a hike, but then it was hard to be prepared for anything that involved Khan. She tucked that thought away for the future.
She pointed out the bottom of a worn trailhead that locals would use occasionally to access the private cove. Narrow switchbacks scaled up the side of the cliff almost five hundred feet, taking advantage of the varying rocks closer to the bottom before swerving up into the more fragile, exposed chalky soil, where one needed to use their hands before reaching the grassy meadows above. It was the only path up the cliffs that she knew of.
Khan hesitantly let her hand go so she could climb ahead of him. She knew the spots to avoid, but there was always a chance the years and the weather had changed things. At least he would be behind her if something happened. Anyhow, she didn't need the distraction of having him in front of her. She couldn't say the same for him now, but felt her face grow hot at the thought. She could hear him close behind her, hardly breathing as hard as she was. By the time they neared the top, she was using her hands to hoist herself up and he was beside her and watching her carefully, offering assistance when she needed it, though she took it begrudgingly. If time weren't so short, she'd have asked him to tone down his accommodating tendencies, but she couldn't bring herself to shrug him off with a smile anymore. It felt like adding salt to the wound she'd already caused him.
They finally reached the top in fading light. The sun slipped beneath the ocean, casting a long, golden path across the darkening water below as the wind whistled lightly around them. Madelyn needed a moment to catch her breath and sank down into the soft grass. The lighthouse on the neighboring hillside was illuminated now and a small band of tourists was just a cluster of black specks against the sky.
Khan settled beside her, pulling her close when she shivered. She didn't have a jacket and her light t-shirt and shorts were doing nothing for her. The sky and the sea stretched out before them and when the wind stopped for a brief moment, they were surrounded by utter silence.
She could hear him breathing and leaned into him when the wind picked up again, pulling her arms over her chest to keep warm. He was warmer. He pulled her against him, his arm reaching around her until his fingers brushed her hip. She felt his chin settle on top of her head and shut her eyes, cementing this moment into her memory. Then she let out a long quiet sigh, shedding every ounce of tension she carried within her. Khan seemed to sense this and wrapped his other arm around her, until he held her tightly enough that she could let go of everything and just sink into him.
This was all that mattered right now, she decided. This dynamic shifting of emotion, the physicality of being with him in this place. Everything else, the future, Starfleet. It was all static. A vague, looming idea that would happen one day, but not yet.
She pulled her legs up to her chest, skin tightening into goosebumps. She couldn't stay out here like this much longer, and it was only going to get colder as twilight succumbed to the darkness and stars began to appear. But she didn't want to move from his side either.
"You're shivering," he said. It was as though he'd read her mind. "You can't stay exposed out here like this."
"I'll be fine," she murmured, willing herself to sink deeper into his warmth.
"No, it was my fault for suggesting we come here."
She groaned when he shifted, forcing her to uncurl herself from his side. He rose to his feet and pulled her up with him. "It's not your fault," she said. He was too busy looking around them for something to have heard her. Oh, she thought. She bit the inside of her mouth to keep from smiling at the warm feeling creeping through her. "That lighthouse down the hill doubles as a guesthouse," she suggested.
Without another word, his hand slid around hers like they were magnetized and he pulled her down the hillside into the growing dark.
After some strong "coaxing" on Khan's part with the timid young man behind the desk—who at first claimed they needed a prior reservation—they were given a small, comfortable room in the guesthouse. Despite the minimalistic décor, it managed to be cozy and warm. There was one large window that faced the sea, and a large bed took up most of the space, made up with lots of pillows and a plush grey bedspread. Madelyn wanted to dive right into it at first, but hesitated, suddenly wondering if she should have suggested they go home instead. At least there, she could still have a space of her own.
The realization hit her further when Khan came up behind her and slid his hands across her stomach, bunching up her shirt until his fingers could slide across bare skin. His lips traveled across her neck and down her vertebrae as far as her shirt would let him, pausing over the small deviation in her skin that she knew he knew was unusually sensitive.
She could feel his breath on her, lips hovering briefly before he pressed them more fervently to her skin, triggering the sensitivity of that tiny little spot between her shoulder blades enough to make her inhale sharply. Her heart floated inside her and for a moment the idea of caving and letting him have his way was all she could think about.
She turned so she could face him and instantly lost her mouth to his. His hands slid up her back, pushing the fabric of her shirt away enough to expose her skin to the air. Her lips swelled under his kisses. It was like he was making up for lost time, for every cruel thing he had said to her before, for every kiss he had stolen from her before she had really known him. She got lost in the way he was making her feel, like she'd been waiting her entire life for him to finally realize it was okay for him to be with her this way. All at once angry and sad and desperate and lonely.
He lifted her off the floor briefly. She registered the motion, the feeling of being carried with his arms locked securely around her. She tightened her arms around his neck, opening her eyes only when she felt herself falling backwards, still locked against him. The bed rose up to meet them as they sank into the thick comforter, fully clothed and flush against each other. His hands carved a warm path up her sides, pushing away her t-shirt bit by bit while he devoured the lines and crevices of her neck and jaw.
His attentions triggered something inside her, something that made her eyes fly open and her heart pound inside her ribcage, not from arousal but from a fear. Fear of making the same mistake all over again.
He's not that man anymore, she reminded herself.
But it doesn't matter. He still did that to you. He could do it again if he wants.
Pretty sure we've gotten past that bump in the road.
Just no sex. Can't get pregnant right now.
You need to talk to him.
Her breathing hitched as his mouth descended to her collarbone, teeth pulling at the skin enough to make a moan slip between her lips.
Can't do this, can't do this. Not right now.
God, Maddy, you're a piece of work.
"Khan," she breathed. Her voice was shockingly low. Aw, shit, she thought. She pushed herself up on her elbows, sliding out from under him enough to face him. He gazed down at her silently. His pupils had dilated again, darkening his usually bright blue-green eyes. The last time she'd seen that look…
Reality came rushing at her like a freight train with frightening velocity. She swallowed to get her physical bearings back, not ignorant of the way her body was already responding to his touches, and to his proximity. This caught his attention, but the look on his face made her feel guilty. She could tell he was trying to figure her out, but was struggling to get past his own urges. She stopped herself. She shouldn't be feeling guilty. She was under no obligation to do this, and if he thought she was… She steeled herself just in case.
"Maybe I gave you the wrong impression," she said carefully. "When I said we should get a room, I didn't mean…" She glanced past him, unable to keep looking at his face, because it turned her on and reminded her of someone he really wasn't. "Oh god, I don't know how to put this without sounding ridiculous."
"Tell me what you want," he murmured.
The way he was looking at her gave her chills. Good chills, but she couldn't quite process this. She reached up and draped an arm around his neck, forcing herself to look him in the eye. "I think we're at a place in our relationship where sex isn't necessarily obligatory."
Her heart was pounding. All she could think about was the way he used to take her. She didn't want that. She didn't want to remember that. She wanted things to be different.
And knowing now that she could get pregnant with him made things very different.
"We were once defined by it, weren't we?" he said quietly.
She nodded, clenching her jaw, waiting for him to respond negatively, for the space between them to grow again. If he couldn't accept that this was where she was right now—
"This is very hard for me," he stated.
"It's only been an afternoon. An obscenely short amount of time, to be honest?"
His hand on the uninjured side of her face made her look at him. "Do you think I wouldn't respect your wishes?"
"I don't know."
He kissed her firmly, cupping her face with one hand, the other secured on her waist, smoothing her shirt in place. When he broke the kiss after a moment, his expression was tranquil and warm. "If you need me to stop, just tell me."
A wave of overwhelming relief swept over her, the tension ebbing enough for her to shut her eyes briefly. In that moment, she felt his lips descend to her forehead, and then her nose, and then finally her lips again. She wanted to sink into him. She tucked her face against his neck, her eyes burning with new tears. It was all she could do to keep from clutching at him.
She didn't want to bring up the main reason she was so reluctant. Not that it reminded her of what had once been, and the implications surrounding those circumstances, which it did. But that it boiled down to the very basic fact that she wasn't on birth control. There were no condoms in sight, and she'd never had an implant because that went against the small inkling of a desire that she had always carried within her, even though the facts had always told her it wasn't possible. Because she'd never expected to find herself willingly this close to him ever again.
"I'm sorry I'm such a mess," she mumbled.
"You must stop apologizing for your natural inclinations," he replied, sliding his arms around her and pulling her up until she lay face down on top of him. "It's not attractive."
She sniffed and wiped her eyes, pressing her elbows into his shoulders for support. "Don't ever, ever assume I'm doing something because I think you'll find it attractive. You should know better."
He hummed against her, deep in his chest. She let it fill her. "There is one thing," he said. "Your hair."
She snorted, starting to laugh. She stopped when he reached up and began to pull at the elastic tie keeping her hair out of her face. "What are you doing?"
"It's better this way," he murmured. Locks of it began to fall free around her shoulders and into her face. He ran his fingers up into her scalp and tangled them there. She hadn't brushed it all day. "Soft, natural, simple."
"Inconvenient," she added. She swatted his other hand away when he began to twist a lock around his finger. "Do you know how long it takes me to get this mess looking presentable some mornings? There's a reason I wear it up half the time."
"You always look presentable," Khan replied. "I say this as your face still requires time."
"It's safe to say that's your fault," she replied, "though you should know I'm drifting from the idea that pointing fingers accomplishes anything anymore." She was comfortable enough to rest her chin on her hands. This way she could look down at him over her nose, something she'd been trying to successfully attempt to do for a couple days now.
"I wholeheartedly agree," he said, his face the picture of all seriousness, even as his fingers combed through the length of her hair that now hung around her shoulders.
She gazed down at him for a moment, taking in the way his focus shifted from her face to her hair and back, and when he looked at her it was with the most engaging, congenial expression that a day ago she'd never imagined he was capable of wearing. "I think we should stick to conversation, for now," she said finally. "We have a lot of things to work through."
Khan's brow tightened. "Apparently. Tell me what just happened. I can still feel the tension in your body and it bothers me."
She couldn't help herself and straightened her arms, arching them around his head so her fingers could play with his hair. It seemed only fair. "Something happened to me, with you," she said carefully, winding a longer lock of his smooth, dark hair around her finger. "It's hard for me to explain." What you did to me. She swallowed, focusing on the luscious black strands twisting around her fingers.
His hands retreated from her hair and fell to her shoulders. "I want you to tell me the truth."
She looked at him, nodding slowly. "The way you were with me, the way you could just… take control." She licked her lips, rolling her bottom one between her teeth as she thought through carefully what she wanted to say. "And I let you. I let you in so far. I lost a piece of myself to you, before I knew any better. And I wish I could say I felt whole again." She withdrew her hand from his hair and slid it back under her chin. "But a part of me still remembers how disgusted I was with you, and with myself. I just wish I could forget. It's hard to come back from something like that, you know? When I put so much of my trust in you from the very beginning. It made me question my ability to make good decisions, and to judge character. It made me question my sanity."
"I regret that we won't have more time together to work through this."
The way he looked was the way she felt. She nodded wordlessly.
"The circumstances which drove me to act as I did were unfortunate. There were perhaps other methods I could've used. You, of all people, deserved the truth far earlier than you received it."
"I wouldn't have stuck around."
"Based on your preconceived notions of my character, learned from what little Augment literature still exists in this century?"
"Based on your original intentions for me and my body."
"I barely knew you. Any lesser woman would have fallen at my feet for a chance—"
"That's exactly what I'm talking about." Her eyes widened for a spell. "You described me as a 'superior woman' once. I believe we were in that bunker when you said it. It was right after you'd admitted you'd done me wrong, an admission which took you several days to reach anyway. So I don't know who this so-called lesser woman is you're referring to, but it sounds like misogynistic bullshit to me. I guess that's just your superior ego doing the talking."
"If you had been alive during my reign, and we'd had the opportunity to get to know one another then, who's to say you'd feel any different than you do now?"
She shook her head faintly. He still didn't get it. "It's not the power that disgusts me. It's the abuse of it. It's the way you would have used it to get what you want, no matter what, without considering the welfare or feelings of anyone else, woman or not."
"I see," he said quietly.
She pushed herself up off his chest and sank down into the bed beside him. "But do you?" She held his gaze for a moment, waiting for a response that didn't come. "God forbid if you had gotten your way on the Vengeance, do you think I ever would have opened up to you the way I have now? Do you think that sort of situation would have been conducive to raising a healthy child? No matter that I would have been your prisoner. I would have looked for every opportunity to escape. I probably would've tried to kill you if I had the chance. And I know you can't understand this because you're not a woman, but to have someone try to control me like that because of my body and what it can do, that's what still bothers me, Khan. That's what I can't quite get out of my head because what you did to me could have forced me to go down a path that ultimately would have stolen all of my agency."
Khan raised himself up on his elbow to face her more directly. "That's what you feared most? Losing your agency?"
She pulled her knees up to her chest, fingers wrapping around her ankles. "To someone who could take it and own it the same way you took it from a quarter of humanity."
She spoke quietly, realizing she'd just wedged a length of space between them in which he gazed at her thoughtfully and silently.
"You asked me to tell you the truth," she added, even more quietly than before.
"I did." He considered her for another moment, his expression unreadable. "And I would ask for nothing less."
She was afraid for a moment that she'd offended him, that the space she'd erected between them would remain. But when he reached over and took her face in his hands, it crumbled. He kissed her lightly at first, and then eagerly. The realization overwhelmed her that he could be everything she wanted right now.
She reached up and traced her thumbs along his cheekbones as he rolled on top of her, deepening the kiss with his tongue. She sighed into his mouth, feeling herself responding to his touch again as his hands scaled down her sides, pushing away her t-shirt until he exposed her bra. He slid one hand beneath the underwire and took her breast, rolling her nipple between his fingers. She moaned, arching up towards him and sliding her fingers into his hair as her sensitive skin gave way to his touch. His other hand trailed between them down her stomach, slipping underneath the tops of her shorts and tugging gently, as though asking permission.
She broke the kiss, panting through swollen lips and staring up into his darkened eyes. "I can't," she breathed. "I'm not on the pill—"
"I have something else in mind," he murmured, his voice low and thick. "Do you trust me?"
She felt no more hesitation. "Yes."
She pulled him back down to her mouth, hungry for more, but he resisted. He withdrew his hand from her breast and eased his way down her body, her mouth left void and panting. He pulled gently at her shorts and slid them down her legs, exposing her plain black briefs. Her heart picked up speed as she watched him press kisses across her exposed stomach, his hands coursing down her body and along her thighs, his tongue dipping into her navel. She slowly parted her legs and he settled between them, pulling her underwear away from her hip, his kisses circling over her hipbone. They trailed up her thigh and inside it as she heard fabric rip, but she was too lost to complain about it. Her breathing hitched when his hot breath ghosted her, her lower body completely exposed to him now. He wrapped his hands around her thighs, bringing them up over his shoulders as he knelt between her legs. She reached down and ran her fingers through his hair, taking a fistful of it and meeting his darkened, wordless gaze as he ducked his face between her legs.
She moaned as his tongue slipped between her folds, eliciting a groan from deep in his chest. The sound alone made her arch upwards, her eyes falling shut. He slid along the length of her, delving inside, teasing her, while his fingers pressed into her flushed skin. Every stroke of his tongue made her gasp, until he took her center. She groaned at the pleasurable sensations shooting through her. He sucked, nodding his head back and forth until the pleasure multiplied. Gasping words tumbled over her lips. His tongue slipped inside her again. She squealed as pressed into her, twisting, sucking, licking up everything. The hands around her legs tightened.
She could feel herself building, and he was doing everything he could to slow that build. He released his hold on her and straightened up over her, dragging his lips across her skin until he reached her mouth. She groaned at the salty taste lingering from his tongue. She needed him between her legs again. She told him. He chuckled.
"You're a fucking tease," she breathed as he made another long, hot trail of kisses across her stomach and down over her hips, before finally ducking his head back down. She reached down to tangle her fingers in his hair again.
He growled against her as he focused on her center. Every flick of his tongue and brush of his lips made her arch further, pulling the occasional moan uninhibited from her lips. She clutched at his scalp, desperate for release. Her other hand grappled for the sheets, pulling them up from the mattress as her stomach muscles clenched. Her hips strained under his hold. She was so, so close.
Then, nothing. She whimpered, pulling at his hair as though she could force him back down. Again he came up for a kiss, and she drank him in. He was breathing as hard as she was. Still clutching the sheets and his hair, she gasped for air between kisses as she felt his fingers enter her. Probably two, she wasn't sure. She clenched around him, rocking her hips to take him deep inside her. He tore his mouth from hers and settled back around her center, sliding his fingers in and out with growing speed
She moaned until the walls echoed. She wasn't sure how much more of this she could take. She could have sworn the temperature in the room had risen since they'd started. The combined pressure of his mouth sucking on her core and his fingers pumping in and out of her was almost too much. She hissed through gritted teeth, feeling it coming, curling through her toes and up into her chest. She pushed herself up so she could see him and look him in the eye, but a high-pitched sound escaped her throat and her head fell back. She shuddered, arching up and back, head pressing into the sheets that she was about to tear off the bed.
Her release overwhelmed her. She let out a loud groan as it raced through her, her feet pressing into Khan's back. He continued his ministrations on her, until she couldn't take it anymore and clawed at him to stop. She shuddered and moaned through another wave of heat that swelled through her. Then she collapsed.
She was a heaving, sweaty mess, and Khan quickly climbed over her and gathered her into his arms. He smelled like cum, and tasted like it too. She tried to look up at him straight, but her body shuddered again and she shut her eyes until it passed. It would be a while before she could breathe normally. She wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him close as if she was going to lose him tonight. He rolled onto his side and took her with him, trapping her against him. He kissed her forehead, her cheeks, and her lips, descended on her jaw and her neck, and then returned to her lips, where he stayed until she needed air again.
Fatigue overwhelmed her limbs, no thanks to him. His voice reverberated through her when he commanded the lights in the room to turn off. When she opened her eyes to the darkness, she could barely see the outline of his head in the dim light coming through the window. She reached up with a shaking hand and guided him to her mouth, getting one last kiss in before sleep drowned her.
"What about you?" she murmured. "You know I could help with that, right?" She wasn't sure if she was already asleep and dreaming or not. Everything was so warm.
He was so warm.
"If I let you, I wouldn't last long," he replied against her forehead. "I don't want to take what you're not ready to give me yet."
She smiled at his words. There was no need to say anything else. Anyway, she was about to fall asleep and whatever she might say probably wouldn't make any sense. Two thoughts did cross her mind before unconsciousness swept her away: this was where they were meant to be for now, and this was where she wanted to stay for as long as he was here.