This chapter is a little shorter than average, but it's due to the way the story is flowing. Nanowrimo gave me a ton of material for this fic so you guys are in for a ride. I will not say what kind of ride, but it will be a ride xD

Thanks so much as always to Vintagegirl1912, peerme, CLTex, Benedict'sZombieGirl, Smaug the Terrible, All-I-Need, americanlatinajapanesegirl, Poodle warriors, Sulia Serafine, and everyone who wasn't logged in. I love hearing from you guys and hope to continue hearing from you as this story presses on!

Chapter 36 – Redamancy

As the room began to gain morning light through the window, Madelyn woke up curled deep within the comforter. In the fog of sleep, she slowly recalled the previous night. The boat. The cliffs. A conversation. Khan, playing with her hair. Kissing her, everywhere. Giving without taking.

Khan.

She straightened her legs beneath the sheets, half-smiling when she realized she was still half-naked. Her smile widened as she recalled how he had made her feel last night, and she turned her head to look at him.

He wasn't there.

Something twisted tightly inside her and she sat up, pushing hair out of her face, holding the sheets around her lower half. She was alone in the room.

She rolled from the bed and picked her shorts off the floor. Her panties were ripped and unwearable. She bit her lip at the sight and quickly chucked them in the wastebasket in the bathroom, then she pulled on her shorts, fixed her bra, and straightened her shirt, and glanced out the window. The sun had yet to break through the thick fog that huddled over the ocean. Hopefully it was still early enough for her to make it to work on time. If she'd thought to snag her communicator out of the house yesterday, before she'd run off…

The door opened and Khan stepped inside. His hair was unwashed and combed back from his face and his trousers were tucked into his boots. Madelyn straightened as he strode towards her. "It wasn't a nice feeling waking up alone," she said. He took her hands and bent to kiss her. She acquiesced without shifting or changing her tone. "Where were you?"

"I returned your boat to your house and brought your car here." He pressed his lips to her temple again, inhaling faintly as though he was smelling her. "You may want to clean up before you go to work." When he pulled back enough for her to see his face again, he wore a cool smirk. She fought the urge to kiss it off his face.

"You brought my car?" She bit down on her lower lip, still restraining herself, not even sure why she felt a grin to be inappropriate. "Wait, you took the boat back—did you climb down those cliffs in the dark?"

"Darkness does not impair my eyesight as it does yours. I was created to be hindered by nothing."

She ran her tongue along the inside of her cheek. She would never get used to his ego, nor would she try to appreciate it. Much. "Well, I guess I should thank you for saving me the trouble."

His thumb swirled around her wrist bones. "You're welcome."

She couldn't recall him ever saying that before, but something more pressing invaded the forefront of her mind. "Last night, before I fell asleep, you refused my offer to… to return what you gave me—which was fantastic, by the way."

He made an affirmative noise in his chest, letting go of her hands and sliding his arms around her, pulling her up against him. "You want to know why I refused."

"I wasn't exactly lucid at that point," she muttered, draping her arms around his neck. "Because it was so fantastic."

His smirk had faded. "After what you so candidly revealed to me in our earlier conversation, I didn't want to hurt you."

She wasn't sure what to say. She'd heard that before, but this time she really believed him.

"Do you recall, at any point during our affair in London, if there was ever a time I held back, or ever a moment in which I did not require my own satisfaction, potentially to the detriment of yours?"

She tried to think about it. She tried really hard. But there wasn't a single time she could recall, in which anything physical that occurred between them wasn't stemmed or satiated without Khan's explicit allowance that it should be. She'd let him control everything, the majority of their most pleasurable encounters overruled by the ones that left an odd taste in her mouth the next morning.

"No, I don't," she said quietly. Taking into account their past, the whole face of it hit her. "You were afraid you'd lose control, because of what I've let you do in the past without knowing what you were really capable of."

"Precisely."

She swallowed at the warm feeling curling into her stomach. He really, actually cared. About everything, even the nature of the physical side of their relationship. She would never take that for granted.

"So what you're saying is that you can handle the fact that I let you go down on me, but if I put my hand around your cock, you'd lose it?"

His eyebrow twitched and she grinned.

"You've clearly still got some control issues."

"And so will you if you don't go home and get ready for work. Isn't there an event taking place tomorrow, of which you are in charge of administrating?"

She groaned and rolled her head from side to side until her neck popped. Leave it to Khan to be a cockblock just when she thought she could weasel her way inside him. "Do you know what time it is?"

"Almost seven, I believe."

Just enough time to drive home, clean up, and get to her morning class of ninth graders. Afterwards, her afternoon would have to be spent catching up on last minute things she should have done yesterday.

"Oh, another thing. I forgot to ask you about yesterday was—"

"Foster's syringe?"

She nodded, slightly surprised he knew. Only slightly.

"I left a sample at the local college of sciences in hopes that someone there would be willing to test it for me, as I have neither the time nor the resources here. However, when I return to San Francisco I will have access to all necessary equipment needed to ensure a proper and precise diagnosis."

At the mention of San Francisco, Madelyn's heart sank.

"Should my communications be restricted for the remainder of my time there, I could have a mutual acquaintance relay my findings back to you, if you'd like."

Bones.

She sighed, trying her best to ignore the crushing weight of the knowledge that Khan wasn't going to be here forever. Focusing on his face again, the weight lessened. "That would be great," she said quietly. It could possibly be the only great thing about his leaving. She was just realizing now that there was no turning back from this now. Not after last night. "How's my face looking?"

"Much better."

She smiled faintly, meeting his gaze long enough to realize she could easily lose a lot more time this morning if she wasn't careful, especially with the way his fingers were kneading her hips. "We should probably go," she added.

He seemed as reluctant to let go of her as she felt. Finally, she forced herself to let go of him. His hold on her was reluctantly relinquished, but he finally did let her step away so she could find her shoes.

As she slipped them on, still damp from the ocean, one glance at the look in his eye and she knew being with him like this for such a short amount of time was going to be a problem.

They met during her lunch break later that day, outside the same café she'd met Foster at just two days earlier. Having skipped breakfast that morning for time's sake, Madelyn gorged on her sandwich and chips, not concerned or caring that Khan was watching her closely. She enjoyed his attention, especially when he looked so good—though there was almost never a time she thought he didn't look good. He wore his bold-collared, gray trench coat with open on top of a black t-shirt, with the same trousers and boots from yesterday. His hair was combed back casually off his face, but a warm breeze had knocked a strand onto his forehead that he didn't bother to brush away. He leaned on the table, his fingers brushing her arm every chance he got, until at one point he leaned a little too far and Madelyn had to lean back onto it just as hard to keep him from tipping it over. That was when she glared at him while chewing furiously on a mouthful of rye bread, roast beef, and lettuce, and only succeeded in receiving a hardly-contained smirk and an arched dark eyebrow.

"I understand you want to pay attention to me," she said after finally swallowing the lump of food, "but if you love me you'll let me eat my lunch off this table rather than ground."

"Tell me about your plans for tomorrow."

She shrugged, popping chips into her mouth. "I'm in charge of organizing a gala for all of the families that give money to the school, to celebrate the fact that their spoiled brats are getting the same elite education their entire extended families received."

His eyebrow was perpetually raised. "For someone with copious monetary funds available to her, you sound unusually bitter."

She shrugged. "I wasn't raised to be entitled. But these kids…" She shook her head. "Alright, most of them are fine. I can put up with them. They're good students, they do the work, they're all pretty smart." She lowered her voice. "There's just one in particular I can't fucking stand."

"Who?"

She stared at him for a moment, a smile formulating on her features as she chewed. "Doesn't matter."

"Maddy, if you believe I will somehow harm this child you loathe so deeply, you're mistaken."

She swallowed and took a long sip of her ice water. Right. "The torpedoes," she murmured. He nodded. She wondered how different things would be if he wasn't in this situation. The idea yanked at her in opposing directions.

On the one hand, she wanted him to be free. She hated the inhibited look in his eye that she caught when he thought she wasn't paying him attention. On the other hand, she also wanted him to consider other ways of accomplishing his goals, outside of taking violent action, something she knew he was very good at. At least for now, violence wasn't an option for him. In fact, it would probably never be again, and that was what bothered her.

He would never have the agency he required in order to make sound decisions on his own terms. He was trapped.

She poked at her sandwich with a chip, suddenly not so hungry anymore. "I don't know how I'm going to do this," she said quietly. She watched as his hand snaked around her forearm on the table, until his thumb drew circles against her soft skin. She shook her head faintly at the way the action made her chest tighten. "Tuesday. You're leaving Tuesday. Today's Friday. It's just not enough time."

When she met his gaze, she almost couldn't take it. She wouldn't have if they weren't in public. She sank back into her chair, her appetite gone. His hand slid down her arm until his fingers took her hand, nails digging into her palm. She clenched her jaw at the pressure, but she wanted more of it. Anything of him before he was gone.

Anything.

She shifted her arm and slid her fingers up between his, until their hands interlocked. His grip was so tight.

"The alternative would have been to completely ignore my feelings for you," said Khan. "I could have chosen not to come here at all."

She stared at their hands, hesitant to respond at first. "I'm glad you didn't. It would hurt either way. I'd find out what they were doing to you sooner or later."

He leaned back in his seat, eyes narrowing in the sunlight, forming a crinkle in his nose. "Would you?"

She considered him for a moment. She'd gone over three months without seeing him or hearing from him. But she hadn't gone that entire time without thinking about him at least once. She'd thought about him enough to feel compelled to seek out her therapist's advice, so that by the time he'd shown up, Dr. Abayomi had been more than prepared to point out the obvious.

She knew eventually she would have gotten curious, if Khan never had shown up to begin with. A few more months would have passed and life would have continued on the way it was, but he would have still lingered there, in the back of her mind. Eventually, she would have made a call. She would have wanted to know what Starfleet was having him do. She would have wanted to know if he was at least alright. In whatever way that would have looked.

"Yeah, I would've," she said finally. "I would've wanted to know what you were up to, how you were doing."

"Then it is better this way. Regardless of the ephemeral timeframe Starfleet has foisted upon me. I would rather spend these few days they have given me with you than locked up in a lab, doing work towards no benefit of my own."

The thought occurred to her that she could try and talk to McCoy again. She hadn't exactly left their last conversation in a good place. Maybe she could get it delayed. Maybe she could change their minds—

"Maddy, I should tell you there is a deeper reason for the situation I find myself in."

No.

No, he wouldn't.

She heaved a sigh. There was always something.

"During these last few months, I spent a considerable amount of time after hours seeking out the location of my crew. This was before I realized my activities within Starfleet's private networks were being monitored to the extent that they were. A revealing paranoia, to be honest."

On second thought, of course he would.

She pressed her lips into a thin line, grinding her teeth to keep herself from saying something she'd regret.

"Kati assisted me at several points, until she was reassigned to another lab and her visitation rights to my quarters were revoked. I should have taken that as a signal to stop, but I did not. I could not."

Madelyn worried on her lower lip as conflicting emotions hit her. He should have known better. He should have known they would pull out all the stops this time. And they really had pulled out all the stops. It was obvious to her if she really considered it. Her personal feelings were getting in the way of recognizing the damage he had already caused to thousands of lives, both inside Starfleet and outside it. Not only thousands of lives, but the infrastructure of two major cities, and the false security of millions more.

And yet the same man who'd done all those things was sitting right in front of her and wearing a gentle, frank expression while his fingers caressed her arm.

Why couldn't he get it through his thick skull that every fucking thing he did tore her apart?

"This is why I say that however your actions may have put me into the position I find myself in now, I ultimately was the one to instigate my path down this road, when I could have remained locked away where I was, with no end in sight, had I merely decided to completely abandon all thought of my people."

She pulled her hand out of his grip and wiped tears off her face. How could he fucking say this?

"On the contrary, I might never have been able to come see you had Starfleet not designated an end to my existence among the living."

How dare he?!

"Khan, they're not going to kill you," she said quietly, words forced through her tightened throat.

"No, they have given me a worse fate. Consider that once I am unconscious and locked away in my cryotube, anyone with the proper credentials and knowledge of my whereabouts could walk in and wake me up at any time, to do what they like with me as Marcus did. They could use the rest of my crew as leverage and once more I will be forced to act as before. It will become a never-ending cycle, Maddy. And the chances are high that the next time I am revived, you will no longer be alive."

She thrust herself out of her chair until it tumbled backwards to the pavement, staring down at him with a confusing mixture of anger and despair. "Don't you dare talk this way!" she spat, garnering more than a few odd looks from the café's other patrons.

"Maddy, please sit down."

She shook her head, glaring down at him. She gathered up her coat and handbag, ignoring the comments she heard around her. As she tried to pass him and storm off, he caught her wrist firmly.

"Please do not do this," he said quietly from his seat.

"Make me. You can't do anything because you're too afraid that Starfleet's going to flatten you with a well-placed torpedo."

"It would be better not to mention this in public, Madelyn."

Oh.

Oh, I see how it is.

The tone he said it with made her uneasy and she made a weak attempt to free herself. She knew he wouldn't let her go that easily. "I have to get back to work," she said, glancing around them. "Just my standing here is attracting attention."

"Please, sit down."

She ran her tongue along the inside of her cheek and shook her head. "I need to get back to work," she repeated.

His fingers loosened and she slipped out of his grasp without hesitation, storming down the sidewalk in her heels until her feet began to hurt. The school was almost in sight when his bootsteps came on her faster.

"Did you actually think I wouldn't pursue my crew?"

She ignored him until he snagged her arm again, forcing her to stop to keep from hurting herself.

"Did you actually think I would abandon them? Maddy, look at me."

"I thought you might consider the consequences that doing something like that could have! And you made me think it was completely my fault that you were being put into cryostasis!"

"When did I ever accuse you of being responsible for this?"

"Every time I look at you I feel guilty!"

The steel in his expression softened. "Do not," he said quietly. "Maddy, all of this... it is my responsibility. Not yours."

"But I'm the one who phoned Starfleet on that boat. I'm the one who told them where we were!"

"And you did so with personal intentions."

"But it was selfish of me." Her guilt overwhelmed her.

"Perhaps. You did for yourself what you thought was necessary. We have already discussed this."

She wasn't ignorant of how close he had pulled her towards him, and kept her eyes fixed on his. "Unfortunately, we haven't discussed the way you still manhandle me." She glanced down at his hold on her arm long enough for him to loosen it accordingly.

"At times, it seems to be the only way I can keep your attention when I anger you."

"Well, let's not make a habit of it." She pulled her arm from his loosened grasp, but remained where she was, looking up at him.

"A habit of angering you?" he added, the corner of his lips rising.

She pursed her lips to mask the smile that threatened to overwhelm her every time he looked at her that way. "Both would be excellent. No more manhandling. No more intentional spiting."

"Fair enough."

His gaze dipped a moment and she acquiesced, meeting his lips softly. He deepened the kiss as is arms circled tightly around her, and she reached up to hold his head for more leverage. When she came up for air a moment later, she smiled into his lips. "I really do need to go to work now."

He let her go and she slowly stepped away.

"I'll see you tonight," he said. She glanced over her shoulder at him. The look on his face made a warm feeling curl up through her stomach.

Get your head out of the gutter, she scolded herself as she walked through the door of the school. Still, she had an inkling of an idea. She'd make a stop off after work if she had time, before heading home for the evening.

They didn't have enough time left together for her not to do this.

Khan waited up for her for several hours longer than he'd anticipated. A few texts to her communicator were answered after long amounts of waiting, but told him nothing important or relevant. When she finally walked through the door at half past twelve, she barely looked at him. She started to head towards her bedroom, but paused when he set his PADD down and stood up from the chair in the living room, shooting her a questioning look.

"I told you I'd have a lot to catch up on," she sighed, tossing her keys into a ceramic bowl on the table in the foyer. She pulled off her heels, wincing as her flat feet touched the floor. "Tomorrow won't be any better."

He walked up to her until he could brush a loose lock of hair out of her eyes, resting his hand on the side of her face. He noticed she smelled different, slightly arousing, but also odd. A hormonal treatment, he realized. The thought aroused him further.

"Is there anything I can do?" he murmured, doing his best to leave the possibilities open. Her eyes weren't as alert and wide as they had been earlier that day, but it seemed just his voice had a calming effect on her. Her exhaustion remained but her tension slipped away as she reached up to hold his hand, bringing it down to her lips. She still clung to it after she kissed it, holding it down in front of her, fingers tangled.

"You don't have to sleep on the couch anymore," she said, the corner of her mouth twitching upwards. She let his hand go and turned down the long hallway towards her bedroom, walking uncomfortably across the cool wood. He took the statement as an invitation.

He followed her inside, leaving her be as she slipped into the bathroom. She glanced at him with a tired smile before shutting the door. A moment later the sink was running full blast.

He sank onto the edge of her large bed, studying his surroundings in the dim light. Her room was sparsely decorated, filled with only what seemed necessary for a professional woman of her age. The adjoining bathroom and closet smelled fresh and clean, and the dim light from recessed ceiling lamps created an even cozier atmosphere. Exactly how he'd imagined she would create a space for herself despite the size of the house.

She came out again shortly, tying her hair up from her face in a messy bun and having changed in silky white shorts and an oversized gray sweatshirt with 'Cambridge University' emblazoned across the front in blue. She walked right up to him and circled her arms around his neck, burying her face in his hair and inhaling, her exhalation more like a sigh that fell on his face like a welcome warm breeze. He trapped her waist in his hands, tightening his hold when she pressed her lips to his forehead. Her fingers raked through his hair listlessly.

"Tomorrow's going to be a long day for me," she murmured. "But I would appreciate it if you maybe didn't drop by at any point. There will be people there with connections to Starfleet, potentially people who might recognize you."

He tilted his head up to look at her. She stared into space as though she was about to fall asleep right there. "If I maybe didn't drop by? What is that supposed to mean?"

She sighed and leaned into him. Her sweatshirt smelled as fresh as the rest of her room. He tightened his hold around her.

"Just… use tact. Don't make any scenes like today." She straightened and finally looked down at him. "And no PDA."

"You caused the scene today, Maddy."

She hummed a long, gentle sigh of exhaustion, clearly not in the mood to come up with a rebuttal. Gently, he tightened his hold around her and lay back into the comforter, trapping her against him as he turned onto his side. She was clearly too tired to care that her legs were tangled with his, or that their noses brushed as she shifted in his arms. She managed to stretch one arm up and around his neck, looking at him from under heavy eyelids. "You made me angry today," she murmured.

"Perhaps I should not have withheld all of my information."

"Perhaps," she mumbled. "But grabbing my arm was the most unnecessary thing."

"I realize that now."

She hummed. "I hope so."

The silence that fell between them was the most comforting thing Khan had felt in a while.

"Anything on what was in Foster's syringe?" she murmured, almost a whisper now.

"No, I've heard nothing from the college."

She heaved a sigh, adjusting her head on top of his arm as her eyes fell shut.

He would have destroyed entire nations for her if that was what she needed from him. Instead, she'd settled for the frustratingly tougher choice of ending no more lives despite her own desires—despite what Starfleet planned to do with him—and because of that he couldn't take his eyes off of her.

Everything was for her, even if it meant a forced, tremulous peace that locked him away from her forever. That was better than doing something to push her away again, and being there to see her run.

She mumbled something incoherent as tried to keep her eyes open and failed. He kissed her face gently, pulling a blanket up around her when goosebumps rose on her legs, then quietly commanded the lights to turn off. Her other arm curled up against his chest, burrowing into the slender hollow between their bodies. Her breathing grew deep and steady. He kissed her again. And again.

And then one more time, before he decided that he wouldn't sleep tonight. He would only gaze at her.

Aaaaaaah this chapter was so feelsy! or maybe not, maybe all the chapters at this point are equally feelsy? hahahahah anyway I can't wait to hear what you guys thought! xoxo