Yeeeeeee it's that time of the month again. Time for another chaptaaahhhhh.

Shout out to Sulia Serafine, xxyangxx2006, Poodle warriors, Mesalina, americanlatinajapanesegirl, CLTex, Lunar678, Benedict'sZombieGirl, as well as guests and not-logged-in peeps for your faithful reviews! I wish I had time to respond to each and every single one of you individually, but hopefully this time around I will! Thank you so much for reading and for reviewing and leaving feedback and just being there to hear me scream and rant and squirm and swoon over this story that has taken over my writing life. You all are amazing!

Also happy March!

Chapter 43 – Vorfreude

A week passed. There was no word from the admirals or Mr. Cogley, and McCoy's promise to get Madelyn in to see Khan had been stonewalled by what he referred to as "the usual bureaucratic bullshit." Apparently, after Khan received Madelyn's message onboard the Enterprise, some paranoid Federation official had ordered that Khan be moved again—this time to an undisclosed location somewhere on the North American continent. McCoy said that meant somewhere in the vicinity of San Francisco.

"We've got secret underground facilities too, ya know."

He might have been making a jab at Section 31, or even the bunker a few hours outside of town, the latter of which was currently being studied, emptied, and ultimately dismantled by a third party hired by Starfleet. Apparently it and others like it were being shut off to the public in order to prevent future incidents of any sort. Madelyn thought it was too little too late.

As July grew late, the knowledge that she still hadn't returned Nigel's call about the job opening back in Hastings was gnawing at her. She knew she couldn't give him a solid answer, but she also couldn't leave him hanging too long. When she finally got a hold of him that Thursday evening, she quickly described the basics of her predicament as well as she could without revealing too much detail, explaining that she'd need a little more time, that once things were set in stone on her end she'd be able to give him a solid answer. She refrained from mentioning that she hoped she wouldn't have to accept the job, instead filling her side of the conversation with her frustrations about the Federation's bureaucratic incompetencies. By the time the call was over, she knew Nigel was as frustrated as she was, but at least she'd have the job if she needed it.

She hoped she wouldn't be around to need it.

Then, on the morning of July 29th, a Friday, the call finally came.

McCoy was the first to receive the news and he passed it on to her the moment she stepped into his office. An entire week that was otherwise uneventful had passed with no word from the top, until two days before Khan was due to be put back on ice, so she'd had trouble believe this was really happening. But it was.

"They've approved your proposal," McCoy said the moment he'd shut his office door on the rest of Starfleet Medical. "They're gonna start scanning for habitable worlds within the week."

Her eyebrows shot up into her forehead. "A week?"

"This is good news, Madelyn."

"It took them a whole week to decide that my idea wasn't half bad in the first place! Why can't they start the search today?"

"Nothing's set in stone, but the search has been approved—"

She heaved a sigh. "The last thing I need right now is Starfleet going back on their word. You're certain this'll pan out?"

"If they're gonna have us look for a planet, I can guarantee you we'll find one. Chances are they want to get rid of Khan just like you convinced them they should."

She ground her teeth together, but she couldn't ignore the fact that yes, her plan had worked. Unable to hide her blooming smile, she strangled the doctor in a quick, fierce hug, letting him go before he could protest. "Thank you, Bones. Thank you so much." She could tell he was trying to restrain his own expression but it wasn't working very well. "So when can I see him?"

He nodded and crossed his arms. "I was waiting for you to ask. You can see him today if you want. Or if you wanna wait—"

"I want to see him right now."

He gazed at her for another moment, before pulling out his communicator and keying something into it. A moment later, the affirmative response came and he motioned for the door. Feeling like she was floating, she followed him quickly out the door.

They parked in the shade of a skyscraper undergoing refurbishment from the damage Khan had most likely dealt to it so many months before. McCoy keyed a message into his communicator and it pinged a moment later as they walked across the parking lot. Madelyn looked over at him curiously but he didn't say anything. He just motioned to the glass double doors ahead of them.

They walked silently down the empty corridor for a few minutes, passed by the occasional gray uniformed security officer who stared them down before continuing on patrol. When they reached a central elevator, another officer greeted them. He nodded to McCoy, then turned to Madelyn.

"Ms. McGivers, if you'll follow me."

She glanced at McCoy, who just nodded and raised his communicator enough to let her know he was just a call away. The officer keyed in a code on the elevator. It slid open with a hiss and he stepped inside. She hesitantly followed, clutching her bag on her shoulder. McCoy disappeared behind the doors as they slid shut, and then they began their descent.

She watched the ticker above the door count down from G to B1 to B5. Finally, they came to a halt at B7. There was no B8 on the control panel. Her escort let her through the door first but she was quickly halted by a patrol of gray-clad men and women. The officer behind her put a hand on her back and motioned to a console at the side of the room.

"We will need you to leave your bag here. I'll get a female officer to frisk you. Then you can be on your way."

He disappeared around the corner for a moment, but Madelyn was far from alone. The room was lined with security, and there were cameras embedded in the ceiling at every turn. At first she wondered why they thought this was necessary, but knew she shouldn't have been surprised. In fact she should have been expecting it. The thought frustrated her, but she had little time to ruminate as a tall woman came around the corner with her original escort. She bore chiseled features flecked with lines, and her brown hair was pulled tightly off her face.

"This is Captain Mendez," he said. "She'll be taking care of you from now on."

Madelyn looked at them both, turning his words over in her head. She didn't like the way he'd said it, but she trusted McCoy more. Hesitantly, she followed Mendez out of the room and down the hall. Footsteps behind her made her turn. Three officers trailed them. She turned and focused on Mendez' back, until she was led into a small room lined with lockers. Mendez unlocked one.

"You can leave your bag here."

She put her bag in the locker and looked at Mendez questioningly when she didn't move.

"I'll need your scarf as well. If you want I can go ahead and check your boots and your clothing."

Madelyn slid the gray fabric from her neck and slowly folded it beside her bag. "Why?"

"Well, we can do it here in private, or we can do it in the guard's station."

Grinding her teeth, Madelyn reached up and unbuttoned her shirt until her bra was exposed. "Fine?"

Mendez gaze was detached as she gave her a once over. "I'll need to check your pockets as well."

Madelyn held her ground as professional hands swept over her, patting the backs and fronts of her jeans, skirting down her legs. Mendez straightened and nodded. "Your boots, please."

Wordlessly, Madelyn knelt down and untied them, sliding them off so she stood in her socks. Mendez took the boots and studied them at every angle, fingers reaching inside and probing around. When she was satisfied she handed them back. "Whenever you're ready, m'am."

Madelyn didn't utter a word as she pulled her clothing back together. Who did they think she was? She crossed her arms over her chest as she followed Mendez back out into the corridor. They didn't trust her. The cameras at every turn made her wish she had a shell she could retreat into. But every step brought her closer to Khan.

They came to a halt in a stark white room, empty save for the officers flanking the door in front of them, and one reclining in a chair behind a desk. This one straightened when Mendez acknowledged him, standing from his chair and striding around to face them at attention.

"This her?" he said, glancing at Madelyn.

"I have strict orders from the top to let her see the prisoner," said Mendez. A tablet changed hands. "She's free to go when she wants."

The man nodded and Mendez turned and left the room without another word. Madelyn waited as the officer returned to his desk and keyed in commands on his holoscreen. A moment later, the door in the wall slid open at a snail's pace.

"You heard Mendez. Go on."

Having no other choice, Madelyn walked across the room and through the open door. She found herself in another even smaller room, the walls, floor, and ceiling lined with a shiny metallic substance. The door slid shut behind her and she whirled. The officer's voice came on over the intercom, echoing off the walls.

"Once you're inside, your only way out is the intercom by the door on the inside. There's always someone in this room so don't worry about getting trapped. If something happens, we'll have it all on camera. I'm opening the door now."

The wall in front of her came unembedded from its surroundings and slid out of the way. She stepped inside and the door slid shut behind her, automatically locking with a subtle click. The room she was standing in was mostly bare, save for a couch against one wall and a small table beside it. A partition with an open doorway separated this space from a smaller space, occupied by a bed barely large enough for one grown man. Ambient light illuminated the room from an unknown source, but for the most part the space was dark and cool. It was a prison cell masquerading as a cozy, minimally furnished apartment. It made her feel sick.

She took a few more steps into the room, still half-suspicious that she'd been lied to, but glanced over her shoulder and saw the keypad on the wall the security officer had mentioned.

"Khan?"

He appeared in the doorway and she let out a breath. In all, she'd waited ten days to see him again. Now she wasn't sure if she could even cross the room to meet him. She didn't have to. His bare feet closed the space between them in three strides. She could only look up at him silently as he gently took her face. She thought he was going to kiss her, but instead he only looked at her with firm features.

"What are you doing here?" he rumbled.

She raised an eyebrow. "What do you think?"

There was no answer, so she withstood his infuriatingly penetrating gaze for a few more moments before wrenching his hands from her face.

"Well, I missed you too," she said. "Did you get my message?"

"Yes. It was a thorough explanation, however unnecessary and repetitive."

"I wanted you to understand."

"I do."

"Thank you," she said, mostly because he sounded completely sincere. She loosened her grip around his wrists and reached up around his shoulders, burying her face in his neck just so she could breathe him in. It didn't take him but a moment to trap her within his arms, until the toes of her boots just barely grazed the floor. She could hear him inhale.

He smelled so sterile, like chlorinated water and plastic and over starched sheets. She glanced up at his hair, slightly tousled now, casually brushed off his face. She'd seen it in his eyes, resignation, a muzzling sense of defeat. She hated it.

She inhaled deeply before she opened her mouth again, settling her feet back to the floor, running her hands down his arms. He was wearing a black regulation shirt, but he'd pushed the sleeves up a bit. Of course the cold down here wouldn't be affecting him. She wished Mendez hadn't taken her scarf.

"I would've come to see you regardless, but I have something specific to tell you," she said. She almost rolled her eyes at the alarm that crossed his features. "It's good news."

"I have minimal time left, Maddy."

She didn't appreciate his attempt to prod her. "You may have more than you've been told. In fact, you may have a surplus of it." She let herself smile now. "Starfleet has agreed to look for a habitable planet for us, and your people."

Khan's concerned expression shifted, as though frozen for a moment. Then his eyes widened slightly, the corners of his mouth relaxing until his lips parted. "You're certain of this?"

Her smile was unrestrained now. "Absolutely. It was in everyone's best interests. They just took a little convincing."

Finally, he kissed her. He latched his hands around her waist and gorged himself on her mouth. When he let her breathe momentarily, she was grinning, and panting, and watching his expression begin to lighten. The lines around his eyes might have been fading. His gaze sharpened. He didn't let her go and pressed a trail of furious kisses across her face, until he was forcing her to step backwards. At some point she felt the backs of her legs bump up against the couch and she had to steel herself. This place was full of cameras.

"Tell me everything," he said, his voice fuller and tenuous. "I need to know everything they told you, everything that was discussed. Were the others mentioned? Kati, Cecelia? And how soon will I be free of this dank, abysmal hole? Eight days down here has been comparable to my first few months under Marcus. Maddy, tell me everything you know. Everything."

She couldn't remember ever seeing him so excited, so enthralled by the current state of events. His fervency and furor was intoxicating. "For starters, you should know I want to go with you. I need to start over and I want to do it with you."

"I should hope you do, seeing as you agreed to marry me."

She smiled at the way he said it, but the confirmation had been necessary.

"Tell me about the others," he pressed. "Where is Kati? I've not seen her since I returned from England. Have you heard anything?"

"I-I'm sorry, I haven't," she said, faltering as the realization her. "I've been so wrapped up in my goal to convince Starfleet to let you go that I hadn't considered it. I will as soon as I can."

He nodded, his renewed enthusiasm leaking from his pores. "How did you manage to convince Starfleet they had other options?"

"By way of an old friend."

His gaze narrowed. "Doctor McCoy."

Madelyn raised an eyebrow at the way he said the name with such quiet, careful depth. "He deserves more recognition than Starfleet will ever give him."

"He has proven himself to be useful," Khan replied, still lingering in thought. Finally, he refocused his attention on her, tightening his hold on her waist. "But so have you."

"I've done what I can."

"Madelyn," he murmured. "Your actions are worthy of considerable respect and I will never forget them. I am honored to be the center of your attentions."

She opened her mouth to retort but he continued with a blunter tone.

"Though I do wonder why you haven't considered more… immediate measures."

She furrowed her brow up at him, her lips parting suddenly as she realized what he was insinuating. He deserved to be slapped for that comment, if she was honest with herself.

"Oh, it crossed my mind," she replied, glaring up at him. "Followed by the realization that I would more than likely fuck it up along with the rest of my life. And they'd never let you see your crew again, if they let you live at all."

Something glittered in his eye and it pissed her off. She ran her tongue along the inside of her cheek, reassuring herself that he was only teasing.

"I know you well enough to realize your moral compass would not allow for such action," he said, dipping his face to hers. The way their breaths mingled was distracting and she immediately took his lips, feeling her chest swelling. She'd done as much as she could while remaining within the bounds of the law. It was the best way, and the only way if she was going to be with him. She'd never be able to forgive herself if she resorted to action that she'd once hated Khan for.

When they broke apart, a steady unbridled stream of pronouncements tumbled from Khan's lips. He was full of ideas, of ways to prepare for life on a new world, of the ways in which he would remind his people what he could do for them. Madelyn watched him as he paced across the room, his hands clasped behind his back, his shoulders squared and upright. His gaze was penetrating and his bearing positively regal. She ground her teeth as fresh tears threatened to puncture her calm surface. There was so much hope in his eyes, and so much optimism in his voice, swelling through the room with intensity.

"There will need to be immediate planning the moment we arrive. A certain hierarchy must be set in stone before any other decisions are made. And I will need your support and feedback in every matter. If my people are to look to me for guidance and leadership, they will need someone they can depend on and trust and I will expect nothing less of you."

The idea of the pressure that would come from being put in that position had entered the back of her mind once before, but now that it was coming out of his mouth, she realized it didn't bother her at all. It couldn't, because now, for once, she wanted what he wanted, because it was in the best interests of the rest of his crew.

"We're going to be put on an unexplored and uninhabited planet, probably with few resources," she said. "I wouldn't trust anyone but you to know what to do. To be honest, I'm not sure I would've suggested this if you weren't the one I wanted."

He turned back to her and held her gaze. "And that is why I have no hesitations or fears regarding this matter, because you will be at my side."

If he was trying to butter her up, she couldn't have cared less. They were going into this together and she'd be damned if he thought she'd be a hindrance to him, or worse, a weakness. So for him to say this to her meant the world.

"I'm aware that there are some in my crew who may find your presence... disconcerting, particularly if the details of your lineage become public. However, the fact of Joaquin's betrayal may be enough to sway any doubters."

"What, you think my sob story could somehow score me pity points? That's not—"

"On the contrary, Maddy, I killed him for you."

"You killed him for you."

"For us, then."

She couldn't deny him there. She crossed her arms as she realized where this conversation was headed. "This is what I'm concerned about." She wasn't blind enough to believe this was some kind of utopian scenario they were about to fall headlong into.

"I know. I read your message," he replied. "As I said, I understand your desires and your fears. But I need you to trust me." His words hung in the air as he held her gaze another moment, then he turned his back and paced across the room again. She started to go after him but stopped when he turned on his heel. "Do you trust me?"

"Of course! You know it's more complicated than that."

"It's a simple question."

"I do. I love you. How could I not trust you?"

A moment passed between them as he came up to her again, a moment that bore all the knowledge that neither of them wanted to utter out loud. That they had hurt each other over and over again because of lies or ambition or fear or all three and more. Neither of them wanted a repeat of the past.

"It's just that people tend to drop like flies around you," she said quietly. "Whether it's by your hand or not, I don't want anymore of it."

Khan reached down and gently took her hand. "There are times when it may become necessary."

"That'll be for you and I to decide in the moment."

He tightened his grip on her hand. "I have never said this to anyone before. I likely shall never say it again."

She waited as his gaze faltered. A rare moment of vulnerability passed over his features, only enhancing the steel that replaced it just as quickly.

"You have done far more to earn my respect, love, and trust than I yours. Know that I will never place you into a situation I believe you incapable of handling alone."

She wasn't sure what to say at first. There was so much compounded into those words that resonated with her. She almost didn't want to say anything, afraid she'd ruin the moment.

"You'll be leaving behind everything you know to be with me. I hope to do everything I can to convince you that I am worth it," he continued, his voice lower.

Just looking at him reminded her of everything he'd done to make things right. She recalled thinking how he was too much. Physically, emotionally, mentally, perfectly too much.

"You don't have to convince me anymore," she replied quickly, swallowing at the emotion he'd unearthed.

Apparently that was all she needed to say to get the corner of his mouth to finally lift into a vague smile. It didn't last long however, as it descended to her lips, and then her jaw, and didn't let up its explorations for several hours.

Screw the cameras, she recalled herself murmuring as flesh met flesh for the first time in what had felt like an eternity. It was amazing what ten days of separation could do to one's sex drive.

She was reclining on top of him on the couch, cheek resting on his bare shoulder, fingers running across the dusting of hair that covered his chest. His hand had her shirt bunched up around her waist while her jeans were barely holding onto her hips. When she glanced up at him, his eyelids drooped faintly beneath his tousled hair. She strained towards him just enough to let her lips meet his earlobe, unwilling to let herself fall asleep while she was still with him. She stared at the chiseled tendons in his neck, his pale skin contrasting with his black hair. Her gaze drifting over his face, she took in his features, etched like marble in the room's dim light. His eyes met hers.

"What are you thinking about?" he murmured.

She thought about trying to come up with something of depth rather than admitting she hadn't been thinking about anything more than how damn attractive he was. She smiled faintly, her mind jumping back into its pool of worries she'd tried hard to forget existed. She breathed in deeply and stretched against him, sliding a leg in between his. "I was thinking about what you said earlier," she said finally. She wasn't sure when she'd have another chance to discuss this with him before everything changed. "What are you going to do about them?"

There wasn't a hint of change in his placid expression. "Who?"

Madelyn rolled her eyes. "Please. Don't act like you haven't thought about this."

"Those who have hurt you will receive what they deserve," he replied.

"You don't think I should have a say?"

Finally there was a crinkle in his brow. "What would you have me do?"

"A trial." It seemed so obvious to her, and yet she wondered if the thought had actually occurred to him. She knew he preferred making autonomous decisions. "A just, fair trial by jury."

He glanced down at her from the corner of his eye. "Are you so sure? Don't you remember the last time you participated in a trial? What did that get you?"

Using himself as an example. Looking at the course of events from so many months ago through her eyes. He never failed to prove what he was worth to her. She pressed the palm of her hand over his heart, feeling its slow, steady thudding. "What's my alternative?"

"Leave it to me."

She pursed her lips. She couldn't find it within herself to rationalize letting him take control of the fates of a few certain Augments. Maybe she was just tired of bodies dropping everywhere he went. Maybe she was just being selfish.

Or maybe she needed to be selfish to keep him from doing what he perceived was good for her, but what was in fact too much, too far. He would take a lot of convincing, but it was hard to come up with an argument when neither of them were even in a position to be making a decision like this just yet.

She shifted up onto her elbow so she could look down at him, resting her cheek in her palm. "I've decided that we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

Khan's brow wrinkled as he raised his eyebrows. "Is this your way of excusing yourself from being involved?"

"No. On the contrary, it's my way of saying I want to be involved, but it's not the right time yet. You're still locked up and Starfleet has only just started looking for a planet. The last time I leaped without looking… I regret that."

"You refer to your actions in Alaska. You betrayed me because you believed it was in the interests of anyone I might cross paths with otherwise."

She held his gaze long enough to register his meaning. He knew exactly why she'd done what she had …and he'd accepted that? In the back of her mind, she wondered if that was why he'd continued to pursue her anyway. She licked her lips at the conjectures flitting through her brain. "We're going into uncharted territory. Literally. We can't afford to make mistakes."

"What you did was not a mistake."

"Look, I appreciate your affirmation, but you wouldn't be locked up down here if I hadn't made that call in the first place."

"Then precisely where would I be?"

She wasn't sure if he was teasing her or being intentionally curious, but of course he knew she couldn't answer that question. The corner of his mouth lifted.

"And I prove my point."

She frowned. "What?"

"It's quite simple. Your first inclination was to prevent me from acquiring my crew through means that had previously failed me. Not from a desire to control me, but from a desire to protect anyone who might be unfortunate enough to cross me. Therefore your goal wasn't to see harm come to me, but to see that no harm came to anyone else. So by acting on your first inclination, you achieved your goal."

His words baffled her. He could be infuriatingly objective when he wanted to. "My goal didn't include putting you back in cryostasis," she insisted.

"No, that was of my doing and again you came to my rescue."

She fought hard to restrain her smile. She really did. She bit the inside of her lip until she tasted blood, and when his eyes dipped to her scrunched up mouth, she lost it. She sank back into the couch and buried her face against his neck, grinning only when he couldn't see. His arm tightened around her waist and he rolled on top of her, holding her gingerly so he didn't squash her. She let him settle between her legs, rolling her lower lip between her teeth, still unwilling to give him the pleasure of seeing what his comment had made her feel. He could probably see it in her eyes anyway.

"To be frank, Maddy, you posed the question. Perhaps you should have offered up an answer you wanted to hear, rather than letting me speak."

She shook her head at him. "Tell your ego to take a backseat. I'm not interested in playing power games."

As if in answer, he reached down to trap her wrists in his hands and settled his weight on top of her. She inhaled at the way his hips ground between her legs. "One day you may be forced to," he murmured, right before diving down her throat. He made a hungry noise as her skin fell victim to his mouth.

She pulled fruitlessly at his hold, wrapping her legs around him as though that would somehow solve the problem he was creating between them. "Not with you," she breathed as she felt his arousal through his thin trousers.

"Your desire is warranted," he growled.

She could only roll her eyes at his double entendre, unable to form a cohesive sentence as one of his hands disappeared from her wrist and made itself comfortable between their bodies.

She realized later that there was no point in hiding from the cameras. What she had with Khan was real and tangible and meant more to her than anyone else could possibly imagine. She couldn't be ashamed of it now, even if people turned their noses up at her. Screw the cameras, she thought. Screw the Federation. Screw anyone who tried to get between her and Khan. None of them would matter soon anyway.

Besides, the embarrassed look she received from the security officer as she passed him the following morning alone was worth it.

The title is of German origin and means something along the lines of "the joyful, intense anticipation of imagining future pleasures."

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please feel free to leave a comment or critique :) *heart emoji*