"I still can't believe it." Khamûl muttered to Kraak as the Nazgûl walked into the courtyard of the former Minas Ithil.
"Neither can I...the One Ring found after all these years?" Kraak responded, shaking his head incredulously as he ruthlessly treaded the ground with his heavy boots.
It'd only been yesterday when Sauron had sent his shocking news that the Ringwraiths were to travel far west to retrieve their Master's precious jewelry, and the Chief had accordingly called them into action early the next morning.
"I'm not looking forward to this mission." Udu grumbled as the Witch King entered, leading a string of nine black horses, who pawed and stamped the ground impatiently.
"Ah, good, you're all here." The Chief greeted them pleasantly. The once-unattainable dream of creating a Ringwraith band had been miraculously restored overnight, and thusly the sorcerer of Angmar was in a good mood.
"What is it today, Boss?" Zag asked, eying the horses suspiciously.
"Isn't it obvious? To prepare for the mission, I am to retrain you in the art of riding. The Master desires all possible speed while retaining a certain level of competence, so with luck we shall leave tomorrow."
"How much competence are we talking exactly?"
"Tomorrow!" Rut cried in dismay. "But I haven't finished designing my new battle robes yet!"
"Why can't we take the fell beasts?" Ski asked glumly. "We haven't ridden horses in ages."
"The last time I had contact with a horse was when I was putting its meat in my mouth." Kraak input with a sigh of remembrance. "Grilled horse ribs are second to none."
"These particular ones appear to have a generous amount of flesh on their bones." Gakh licked his lips appreciatively. (Though to a human all they would've heard is smacking sounds. Probably best, a Nazgûl's tongue is not the most delightful thing to view.)
"How long are we going to be gone for?" This came from Krith, who was secretly hoping he'd have a chance to purchase a dwarven drum set. Those hairy little people sure knew how to make a drum right.
"That's enough!" Their captain commanded. "Yes, we are leaving tomorrow, after all, the sooner we return with the Ring, the sooner Master will let us start our band."
"And give us cheesecake." Zag muttered. "Never forget the cheesecake."
Murmurs of agreement floated through the courtyard. The wraiths were rather divided in their feelings for the mission. On one hand, there was the extreme inconvenience of leaving their cozy fortress and riding halfway across Middle-Earth. On the other, the prospect of an adventure: people to threaten, enemies to slay, glory to be won, bands to be started, and much food to be eaten.
"To answer the rest of your questions," The Boss continued. "We are attempting a certain degree of stealth; fell beasts are not known for possessing that quality. And if all goes well, we should be back in a few weeks at the latest."
"Well, when dfo we start then?" Ski sighed in resignation, glancing not without some trepidation (and hunger) at the huge bundle of horseflesh before him.
"Hey Boss, can we eat these horses when we're done?" Udu asked as he walked over to his mount.
"I second the motion." Khamûl said with a grin.
"I third the motion." Rut piped up.
"That's not a thing, Rut." Gakh scolded.
"Yes, it is."
"No, it's not."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes!"
"No," The Chief broke in with an eye-roll. "You may not eat them. As tasty as they may look, the animals are for riding only today." He finished by attaching a glare to emphasize his words.
"But we're huuunngrrry!"
"Firstly," The Witch King instructed, ignoring Kraak's pleas. "Approach your mount, holding the reins firmly in one hand." He demonstrated on his own horse as the other eight mimicked his movements.
"I do remember some equestrian skills, even if it has been several thousand years." Khamûl commented airily, right before his horse broke away from his grasp, whinnying triumphantly.
"You were saying, Khamûl?" Krith chuckled while the lieutenant commenced a heated chase of his steed.
"Meanwhile," The Chief sighed, restraining the urge to face-palm. 'Turn to face your saddle. Grip it in both hands, put one foot in the stirrups, pull yourself up and swing your leg over." He mounted his restless animal and looked up to see how the others were faring.
"I did it!" Gakh crowed proudly while Rut, dangling precariously from his stirrup, struggled to right himself.
"Help!"
"A little stuck there?" Ski laughed as his horse unexpectedly started walking forward. "Woah, horsey."
Krith had mounted backwards and was staring blankly at his horse's back, apparently unsure how to proceed.
Kraak was lying stomach-first in the saddle Superman-style, while his horse took a devious pleasure in constantly moving to upset what little balance his rider had.
Zag had positioned himself rather well, unfortunately, his saddle wasn't fastened correctly, allowing him to slip ninety-degrees to the side where he hung like some twisted monkey.
Khamûl had captured his escapee and was trying to untangle his reins as Udu struggled to pull himself onto his horse. Altogether, it was a pretty pathetic sight for some of Mordor's greatest preparing to embark on a incredibly important mission.
The Boss sighed again, allowing himself to face-palm this time, freshly reminded why he and not they were captain. "I don't get paid enough for this job." He muttered, understanding now why he had been the only candidate for the position.
"We don't get paid, period!" Krith shouted helpfully, startling his horse in the process and ending up with a face full of dirt.
"Which really should be addressed in our employee surveys." Zag mused. "There's some aspects of evil lordship that could use some work."
"Like insurance." Ski commented. "I can't remember when I ever had decent coverage."
"Alright, now what do we do?" Khamûl asked, finally seated on his horse and wobbling unsteadily.
"Uurrggh!" Rut grunted, pulling himself upright. "I say we deserve a break...and food."
"No horse meat!" The Chief called. "And no break, time's a-wasting!"
"How're you guys getting up there?" Udu complained in frustration, hopping up and down in a futile attempt to land in the saddle.
"I'm sorry you don't have my muscular forearms," Ski tisked, daring to break into a trot.
"It's all in the forearms." Kraak agreed, twisting around in his seat so he faced the correct way.
"My forearms are just as ripped as any of you." Udu argued, managing to hoist himself upwards to prove his point.
"Maybe, but do you use 'Gothmog's Enhanced Protein Powder'?" Zag asked as he, still sideways, tried to show off his muscles. "Makes all the difference, I'm telling you."
"I tried it once and it tasted like dirt." Krith said, climbing to his feet and looking worse for the wear after his kiss with the ground.
"You taste like dirt." Gakh countered from across the yard.
"Your mother tastes like dirt!"
"She is dirt; she died a couple thousand years ago, remember?"
"Do you have to suck the joy out of everything?"
"That's enough." The Chief broke in on the bantering. "It's time to actually start riding. Once you're astride your steed, squeeze the horse's sides with your legs to move forward."
"Sounds simple enough." Rut panted, straightening himself before giving his animal a solid kick that would put a kangaroo to shame.
"Not like that!" The Witch King exclaimed in exasperation as the angry horse bolted away, a terrified Rut clinging desperately to its back.
"Boss, these horses look more appetizing by the minute." Ski groaned, rubbing his growling stomach. "I'm not even put-off by the smell anymore."
"I told you," Zag smirked. "Steaks waiting to happen. They smell much better once they're cooked."
"They are not food!" The Chief reiterated tiredly, massaging his head. Khamûl's migraines seemed to be contagious.
"Then what are they?" Kraak challenged as he gingerly nudged his horse into a smooth canter.
"First of all, I'm impressed you're not falling off right now. Secondly, think of them as your friends, not food."
"But Ch-" Rut started with a frown.
"Repeat after me: 'horses are friends, not food'." The Boss said seriously as he watched his minions try to keep their seats and go faster at the same time.
"But-"
"Say it."
"Horses are friends, not food." The Nazgûl repeated together, looking remarkably disappointed and letdown as they did so.
"Barbecue just sounds so good right now." Udu whispered to Khamûl as they practiced riding around the courtyard.
"I could've made my world-famous smoky water buffalo sauce." Khamûl returned regretfully, pushing his horse to a higher speed. While he agreed with Witchy that all possible speed should be made, (glory awaited him in music and vocals, after all) his stomach was currently higher on his priority list than his sense of duty.
"World-famous? I've never heard of..." Zag began as he rode up before trailing off at Khamûl's glower. (Rumor was he practiced that glower in front of his bedroom mirror an hour a day. Awesomely-evil looks are hard work, you know.)
After several more minutes of passably average riding and relatively few falls, the Chief decided to move to the next step in their accelerated training.
"Now, I'm going to let you ride outside the fortress," He instructed as the huge metal front gates creaked open. "It's a much larger space, so you'll be able to ride faster, but take it sl-" His cautionary words were cut off as eight ebony horses stampeded past, their accompanying riders whooping and hollering as they raced like a whirlwind through the doorway.
The Boss gasped at their reckless speed as they careened down the stone bridge leading to the valley. "I can't watch this." He moaned, covering his eyes in despair. After a moment of silence, he peeked out from one metal-clad finger to behold whatever disaster had befallen his wraiths.
They were...all still upright and on their horses. Not only that, they seemed to be doing quite well, compared to their laughable riding performance earlier. The Witch King rubbed his eyes in astonishment, trying to comprehend what was happening. "Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?" He asked in wonderment.
"See Boss? We're actually not half-bad!" Gakh cried happily as all the wraiths amazingly displayed a better sense of balance when going full-speed versus at a slow walk.
"Only you guys would be talented enough to fall off a standing horse yet stay on a galloping one." The Captain snorted sarcastically, recovering from his shock as he joined them in the open space.
"Hey guys! We're talented!"
"This is more like it!" Udu shouted gleefully, a black blur of horse and Nazgûl.
"It's almost fun!" Kraak agreed, sending his horse flying over a log as they pounded up a slight rise. "But, all the activity almost makes you hungrier."
"Hear, hear!" Rut cheered as he whipped past, swaying only slightly in his saddle.
"Hear what?" Ski asked Rut, trying unsuccessfully to untangle his robes from his reins and tack.
"I do like my meat on the go." Zag reasoned, urging his steed on faster.
"Hey, we might actually have a shot at completing this mission!" Krith called with a grin, the picture of positivity as he nosily clattered across the bridge.
"Our band's waiting, guys!" Khamûl exclaimed, pulling around to race back towards the gate where the Boss was trotting out to meet them.
"How're we doing, Chief?" Gakh asked the Chief as he proudly galloped by.
"I'm seeing some amounts of progress." Came the critical response. "Rut! Get that animal's mane out of your mouth!"
"Just a nibble?"
"No."
"Not even a wee one?"
"N-O spells 'no'. Now everyone stop running around for a minute."
The wraiths all slowed down and stopped in a row facing their captain. There was a slight pause before eight Nazgûl simultaneously collapsed and fell from their horses, their balance almost magically dissipating.
"Ooooh!"
"The pain!"
"My new robes! They're filthy now!"
"Mmmmrgghh."
"Let's just eat them and get it over with!"
"I've decided walking is much more hazardous then running while on a horse."
"One does not simply ride a horse out of Mordor."
"And suddenly…ground."
"What happened?" They cried as they stiffly pulled themselves up while the Witch King looked on with a thoughtful expression.
"Well, you're supposed to demonstrate your riding skills to Sauron, and it appears none of you can manage to stay on a standing horse." He returned, brow furrowing in thought.
"Does this mean we won't get our band?" Zag asked worriedly. No horse riding skills meant no mission, no mission meant no One Ring, no One Ring meant no Sauron ruling Middle-Earth, and no Sauron ruling Middle-Earth meant no band (or cheesecake) for any of the Nazgûl.
"Not if I can help it." The Chief said grimly with a determined air.
"I smell an brilliant plan in the works." Krith commented, wiping dirt from his face for the second time that afternoon.
A smirking smile was his only answer.
"Impressive! Most impressive!" The Mouth of Sauron applauded as the Nazgûl hastily dismounted after their horsemanship display in Barad-Dur. "The Captain has taught you well. I don't think I saw any of you go slower then a fast canter the whole time!"
"Pssh, who has time for walking when you can run?" Zag scoffed, secretly relieved the presentation was over without revealing their amateur 'progress' aka 'complete lack of stationary coordination'.
"Thank you, MoS, it's been quite the learning curve." Gakh admitted, rubbing his sore elbow.
"More like learning fall." Udu amended.
"How soon shall you retrieve my precious?" Sauron demanded anxiously, peering down from his lofty seat on top of the tower.
"We will be on our way tomorrow, my lord." The Chief assured him with confidence.
"My precious is calling me. Bring me my precious now!" The Dark Lord wailed dismally, a giant tear welling in his fiery eye.
"Has he been like this all day?" Kraak asked MoS in an undertone.
"You have no idea."
"Look out below!" Ski yelled as boiling tears started to rain from the tower, splashing on the paved path with a giant sizzle. The tears continued, and pandemonium broke out as everyone raced to avoid the super-heated liquid.
"Take cover!"
"It burns!"
"PREEECCIOOOUSS!"
The next morning came rather quickly for the tired wraiths, (yet not soon enough for the impatient Sauron) and they woke to that destroyer of horsemen, the bane of riders everywhere: cramps.
"Ummmgh, my thighs are burning!" Ski groaned, attempting to stand before falling back into a chair.
"But think of the band!" Rut encouraged, stretching his aching arms. "All we have to do is take the Ring from some measly creature named Baggins and we're done!"
"I think I have orc intestines for legs, they're so wobbly." Zag sighed, leaning on Udu for support.
"Guys, I'm still hungry." Krith complained as he staggered towards the doorway.
"I have an idea." Gakh piped up with a smirk.
"Hey, that's my line." Zag complained as they gathered around Gakh.
The Chief yawned luxuriously as he sat up in his bed, scratching absently at his cheek. Today was the day: a new mission after all these years and a new band on the horizon. He inhaled deeply; something smelled absolutely scrumptious, and he was starving. Pulling on his favorite fuzzy robe, the words 'I'm Evil And I Know It' emblazoned across the back, the Captain followed the intoxicating aroma to the kitchen. Pushing the door open, he found all of the wraiths seated at the table, just as Khamûl was placing a large dish of barbecued meat down, curls of steam wafting from the succulent-looking food.
"Surprise, Boss!" They all called cheerily as the Witch King was struck dumb once again, taking in the carefully prepared meal before him.
"What is this?" He asked warily, sitting down in his chair at the head of the table. "Eating without me? That's hardly a surprise."
"No, silly, we made you meal." Kraak explained, gesturing to the food.
"Who are you and what have you done to my idiotic, insensitive, incompetent wraiths?"
"What did you call us?!" Udu yelped indignantly.
"Never mind, you're back." The Chief chuckled, grabbing a drumstick. "But seriously, what is this for?"
"For you, Boss." Khamûl shrugged nonchalantly. "After yesterday, we realized how much you do, and how none of us would be getting a band if it wasn't for you."
"So, we're thanking you." Zag added, helping himself to a generous chunk of meat.
"Is this...sentiment?" The Witch King wondered, unconsciously letting a tearful sniffle escape his stern demeanor.
"Nooooo waaay."
"Gross!"
"What a disgusting idea."
"Yuck."
"I think I just threw up in my mouth."
"Ewww!"
"*gags*"
"Are you crying, Chief?!"
"Of course not, you blundering buffoons!" The Captain shot back, a frown quickly slipping into place. "Morgoth himself couldn't have had more annoying minions!"
"Oh good, I was getting worried that we'd lost our touch." Ski sighed in relief, drowning his food in Khamûl's 'world-famous' sauce and digging in with gusto.
"Now that that's settled..." Rut trailed off awkwardly. "Let's eat!"
The next fifteen minutes were an excellent example of how the adult Nazgûl thrives in its natural habitat. Most tend to ravenously finish a grown animal and leave only bits of bone marrow after a meal. Some wraiths have been observed to also eat these meager leavings, claiming it strengthens their teeth. However, since the existence of teeth in Ringwraiths has never been properly documented, this claim remains unreliable and uncredited.
"Man, that was gooood." Krith patted his distended stomach appreciatively. "Props to the chef."
"We are the chefs." Udu reminded him, unashamedly licking his plate.
"I haven't tasted something so delectable since we deep-fat fried that dumb orc from Cirith Ungol." Gakh grinned.
The Boss cocked an eyebrow. "A deep-fat fried what?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing whatever?" He pressed.
"Nothing whatever." Gakh repeated.
"I'll let it pass." The Chief decided, finishing off his drumstick. Food was food, after all.
"Careful Boss, you might actually keep being nice to us." Kraak laughed.
"No fear there, this is but a temporary respite from my naturally cruel and driving personality."
"I suppose we have to get on the road soon, then, huh?" Rut asked regretfully, sucking on a leg bone.
"Yes, we do." Witchy nodded. "But first, a toast: to our mission!" He said, clunking a fork against his tumbler of ale and knocking it over in the process.
"No, to our band." Udu corrected as they raised their glasses.
"To our band!" They cried, downing the liquid in large gulps.
"By the way," The Captain paused as they cleared away the dishes. "What kind of meat was this? I've never had anything so juicy."
Zag glanced at Khamûl, who coughed and looked at Ski, who was studying the floor with great earnestness.
"Well, you see sir," Zag began, phrasing his words carefully. "We were very hungry, and they were just standing there-"
"-Practically begging to be eaten." Khamûl interposed.
"We found an extra one, anyways." Ski assured the Chief, whose frown was rapidly deepening.
"Don't tell me, I just ate a horse."
"Horseflesh is good, no?" Krith laughed weakly.
"What about 'friends not food'?"
"Friends can be eaten, too." Kraak justified.
A tense moment followed before the Boss relaxed and surprised them all by grinning. "You're right," He agreed. "And they were exceptionally tasty."
"Then it's forward into glory!" Gakh cheered.
"Baggins here we come!"
Guys, it has not been a month and a half since my last update. I'm so sorry, I'll spare you my excuses, save for the fact that I procrastinate and am horrible at time-management. :P
Anybody catch the two vague movie references other than the pretty obvious Nemo one? (Hint: Star Wars and Disney. But which specific movie? Mwahaha)
Guest: So glad I made your day! You made mine, too, haha.
CheerUpSleepyJean: Thanks for the compliments! I love hearing feedback.
So, one more chapter... *drumroll* Do not let your hearts be troubled. I think I've decided to write a very AU sequel for our beloved Ringwraiths. Until then, cross your fingers that the ninth chapter will be out relatively soonish! Also, I posted a poll on my profile for fun and it'd make me beyond happy if you'd go vote for your favorite wraith.
Thanks for all the reviews, follows, favorites, etc. Y'all have been absolutely fantastic! :)