Chapter 4: Dilemma
I am going to hang out at Brittany's place soon so I'm just getting myself ready. I've already eaten breakfast so as soon as I have my jacket on then I can leave. No one is free to give me a ride so instead of waiting to later when my parents are back from the grocery store, I'm just going to walk. I know Brittany would have offered to come and pick me up but I don't want to have to rely on her like that. She already does enough for me plus she's my girlfriend not my driver.
Ten minutes later, I'm walking down the street with my earphones in listening to my iPod. It doesn't take long to walk to Brittany's place so in about another ten minutes I have arrived at her apartment door and knocked on it while pulling my earphones out of my ears. Within a second Brittany is opening the door and letting me in. As usual I hang my jacket up on the hook and take my shoes off.
"Hey baby, how are you?" she asks while taking my hand and leading me to the living room.
"I'm good, you?" I ask.
"Yeah I'm good" she replies while yawning. "Hey no need to stand around making the place untidy, sit down" she tells me smiling.
"Ok I'm going" I smile while sitting down on the couch.
"Do you want a drink or something?" she asks. "I bought lots of new syrups for my SodaStream if you want to try one."
"Ok cool, I'll take a drink then" I say. "Surprise me with the flavour" I tell her.
"Cherry it is then" she says while walking towards the kitchen.
"No Brittany, wait" I shout while running after her. "You know I hate cherry" I say.
"You're so cute, running after me all worried" she smiles. "I was only joking, I wasn't going to give you cherry."
"Ok good" I breathe a sigh of relief before going back to the living room. Two seconds later, Brittany comes through with the drinks.
"There you go" she says as she hands me the drink. She's put the soda in a thermos flask to keep it cold so I'm unable to tell what kind it is by the colour so I sniff the top.
"Dork" she says laughing.
"Hey" I say looking at her. "That's not nice, I'm not a dork. I'm just trying to tell what kind it is by sniffing it."
"You could have saved yourself the trouble and just asked me or better still took a sip" she tells me. "You've took a sniff of it anyway so what do you think, what kind is it?"
"Lemon?" I say and she shakes her head. "Ok blackcurrant?" she shakes her head again. "Ok it must be strawberry" I'm sure this time.
"No" she says laughing. "How can you not know the difference between fruits?"
"I know the taste, I'm just trying to pinpoint what it is" I say before taking a drink.
"Ok you must know now since you've taken a drink" she says and honestly I don't.
"I don't know, apple?" I suggest
"No" she is now in a fit of laughter. "Its lemon and lime flavour."
"I said lemon" I state.
"Exactly you said lemon, not lemon and lime. I think you need to go back to kindergarten and learn the names of fruits" she tells me still laughing.
"Ok that's enough, calm down" I tell her while patting her on the shoulder.
After hanging out most of the morning Brittany suggested making her signature Paninis for lunch and we relaxed on the couch with a movie. Once the movie ended I noticed Brittany was fast asleep so I let her sleep a little longer because she'd been yawning all day. I ended up just catching up on some TV shows that I've missed recently while Brittany slept. It's was actually really peaceful here because usually my brother or sister would disturb me every five minutes so it'd take me two hours to get through an hour long programme. I must have been watching TV for three hours before I woke Brittany up.
"Hey babe" I say while gently nudging her. "Babe wake up."
"Hmm" she sits up, rubbing her eyes. "Did I fall asleep?" she asks looking around.
"Yeah but its ok, I didn't mind" I smile.
"Wait is that four o'clock?" she asks shocked and I nod. "I have no idea how I fell asleep for so long."
"Brittany it's cool, honestly. I was fine just watching TV plus you looked pretty tired anyway so I wanted you to get some rest" I say.
"Ok if you're sure" she says while pecking me on the cheek.
"So how come you are so tired? Did my family exhaust you last night?" I joke.
"No of course not" she says yawning. "I'm just really tired. I guess I was just up too late last night."
"How come?" I ask.
"Well Lucy and I were up pretty late talking on the phone. I never went to bed until after two" she tells me.
"Wow, were you talking right up until then?" I ask.
"Yeah, she's got a dancing job lined up in a few weeks so she asked if I wanted to do it too. There is some local theatre production on near where Lucy stays and they need some dancers for one of the acts. It's a big musical number where one of the characters is doing a solo performance and there is lots of dancers dancing around them. I know it's hardly anything big but we have to take what we can just now until we have more free time from uni" she tells me.
"Well at least it's something" I say. "When is it?"
"In three weeks from yesterday so we need to start rehearsing as soon as. Even though it's just one number, they want us there as soon as possible so the soloist can practice as well with us being there and they can make sure everything goes smoothly" she tells me and I immediately start laughing. "What?" she asks while frowning.
"I know you're just joking so when is it really?" I ask.
"What do you mean I'm joking, it is three weeks from yesterday" she states.
"Are you actually being serious right now?" I ask.
"Yeah, why what's the matter?" she asks.
"It's definitely three weeks from yesterday?" I ask to clarify.
"Yes definitely" she laughs while placing her arm around me.
"Well you can't do it, in fact you're not doing it" I say.
"Excuse me?" Brittany asks and she doesn't look happy. "What do you mean I'm not doing it?"
"I mean what I say, you're not doing that dance thing" I say. "I'm not telling you how to run your life and I most certainly won't tell you what to do career wise but..." I say before Brittany rudely cuts me off.
"You basically are telling me what to do with regards my career" she says while removing her arm from around me. "You can't demand what I do or don't do."
"I'm not, if you let me finish you'd understand" I snap at her.
"Explain then" she snaps back. "I'd love to know what you have to say."
"You can't do anything on that day because you promised you'd come to Regionals and that's three weeks yesterday" I state.
"Oh shit" Brittany says while leaning back on the couch. "What am I going to do?"
"I just told you, you'll have to pull out of that day and just do the other days" I reply.
"Santana it's a tiny production, they won't have anyone to fill in for me" she tells me. "They need twelve dancers for the routine so if I miss it then they'll have eleven and it won't work out right."
"But this is Regionals, the glee club have never made it to Regionals since you were in it three years ago" I state.
"I know babe but like I say, this isn't some big show, it only runs for a few weekends. They don't have a lot of money so I can't let them down, especially not on the first night it is being shown" she tells me.
"I see" I say glaring. "I'd understand if this was some life changing career move but it's a silly theatre production" I state and Brittany glares at me.
"I don't make fun of anything you do" she snaps. "I know it's not such a big thing but it's another step through the door and something else for my CV. I can't exactly turn down dancing gigs when I'm at uni. I've had to turn down dancing jobs before because my schedule doesn't fit because they needed me weekdays and I'm not available every weekday since I have uni so when something that suits comes along then I have to grab it" she tells me.
"At least I know where your priorities are, you can't let them down but yet you can let me down" I say sighing.
"Babe I didn't mean this to happen" she places her hand on my knee. "I totally forgot that was the same day as Regionals, if I had remembered I wouldn't have said I'd do the show. I've committed to it now though so I kinda need to do it."
"I'm not saying don't, I'm just saying can you miss the first night so you can come to regionals" I ask. "I need you there for support, this is my first solo in front of lots of people" I say. "What happens if I have a panic attack before it starts, who is going to console me or whatever?"
"We can skype right before it begins" she says. "But you're a great singer anyway so there is nothing to panic about, honestly babe."
"I just really need you there Brittany to tell me it'll be ok" I tell her. "I want you to see me perform and be proud of your girlfriend."
"Babe no matter what happens or where I am, I am going to be so proud of you" she says smiling. "You are an amazing singer so you'll blow the judges away…in a good way of course" she says. "I just really don't think it's best to miss the first night" she says. "What time does Regional's start?"
"I think we have to be there for two in the afternoon" I say, I'm not exactly sure.
"Ok and when are you guys performing, first, second or third?" she asks.
"Let me just call them and ask, two seconds" I say sarcastically. How the hell do I know what slot we have drawn, its three weeks away.
"There is no need for sarcasm, this is serious" she tells me. "We need to figure out what we're going to do?"
"We're going to do?" I ask, laughing cheekily. "You mean what are you going to do, not we" I say.
"Santana I'm not caring for your tone right now" she tells me with a disapproving look.
"I don't care what tone you care for, I just care about the fact you broke a promise" I say. "You know how nervous I get when singing in front of lots of people, its ok in a small group but this is going to be different so I need you there" I tell her. "You said you'd be there and support me every step of the way but what a fat load of good it'll be with you somewhere else completely."
"You have no idea how bad I feel now, I'm not taking it lightly" she tells me while moving in closer to me. "Maybe if your school was performing first then I could do both, you know?"
"It doesn't matter when we perform, I wanted you there the whole day" I say. "I don't want a quick peck on the cheek and a good luck before you dash off."
"You must know how much I want to be there" she says.
"Actually I don't" I say. "If you desperately wanted to be there you'd never have taken the offer, you'd have turned it down and told Lucy you were otherwise engaged."
"Like I said a few minutes ago, I totally forgot it was the same night" she snaps.
"Well as I said" I say angrily "If you really wanted to be there you would have remembered so it can't mean all that much to you."
"Look you're just saying things now that you don't mean because you're worried about regionals since it's your first solo" she tells me.
"No, I am saying things because they're true" I reply. "If it did mean something to you to support me you would have remembered." There are a few minutes of silence before she speaks up.
"I don't know what else to say Santana, I got the dates mixed up and it wasn't intentional" she says while looking at me.
"Ok whatever" I respond.
"Babe look at me, I'm being honest" she says while placing her hand on my cheek to turn my face so I'm looking at her. "I want to be there, you have to know that but I also need these dance jobs otherwise I won't get any better ones in the future. I've not had a lot of dance jobs recently so if I want to be taken seriously and call myself a professional then I need as many jobs as I can" she tells me and I suppose it is partly true. I guess it would look weird if a professional dancer only had one job a year but at the same time she knows I'm not as confident as she is so I need a little reassurance when performing and what better way to do that than have my girlfriend waiting backstage.
"I'm going to the bathroom" I say while standing up and walking off. Just as I shut the door I hear Brittany sighing loudly. Some fun day this is hanging out with my girlfriend. I thought everything would be better now that she's met my parents but something just has to ruin things all the time.
I'm in the bathroom for a few minutes, it's not that I need to use the toilet or anything, I just need a few moments to gather my thoughts. She seems set on being at her show so I guess I can't change her mind. I quickly tidy up my makeup and go back to the living room.
"So where does that leave us?" Brittany asks. I just shrug because I really don't know what happens now. I don't know what else to tell her. "Babe I love you ok but like I say I can't turn down opportunities right now."
"So you keep saying, I'll just need to be alone" I say while sitting down.
"Are you deliberately trying to make me feel like shit?" she asks.
"Excuse me?" I ask while raising my eyebrow in anger.
"You've already made me feel guilty enough as it is so can you stop?" she asks. "I've said I'm sorry."
"Do you know what let's just stop talking about this, we'll just leave it at that you'll see me the day before" we've went over this for long enough now and I'm exhausted talking about it.
"You're upset though" she says.
"I'm not upset, just annoyed but like I say let's change the subject" I say.
"Ok, we can change the topic of conversation" she tells me.
"Good" I say. We're silent for what feels like two hours but it's probably only two minutes but with the tension in here time feels magnified.
"Um…" Brittany starts off. "Do you want to go out for dinner in a little while?"
"I'm not really in the mood to go out, not after earlier" I tell her and she looks sad. "We could always just eat dinner here" I suggest.
"Ok cool. This might be your chance to try my awesome pasta" she says while nudging me.
"It could be my only chance, you're miserable when it comes to cooking for me. You never make me anything except the Paninis earlier" I say jokingly.
"Oh…" she says laughing "Is that so?" I nod so she leans in and starts to tickle me causing me to start laughing.
"Brittany I'm not five so quite tickling me, I don't like it" I say while squirming around the couch. "Come on, please stop."
"Take it back then" she says still tickling me. "Say I'd cook anything for you."
"Lying is not my style though babe" I say with a smirk which only causes her to move closer to me.
"I'd do anything you wanted, you know that" she says and we immediately look at one another thinking back to moments ago. "Well usually I do but I just can't do that" she says quietly.
"Yeah" I say equally as quiet but with a nod.
"Look I know it sounds selfish and horrible and I said I'd be there but I'm afraid to back out now in case I…." I cut her off.
"Save it Brittany, I told you I had enough of this conversation" I say. "I know you wouldn't deliberately do anything to hurt me and I know you need this, I'm just saying it sucks." There is another tense silence for a while. We just had to ruin that happy moment didn't we? I thought we were going to at least forget about it for the remainder of the day but I guess we can't.
Dinner was really awkward, we just didn't know what to say to each other. We just sat across from one another at the table in silence. I briefly mentioned I liked the pasta and she mumbled a 'thank you' but that was it. She even refused help to clean up so I sat in the living room staring at the TV, not even paying any attention to what was on.
"Um, that's me tidy up through there" Brittany says as she approaches the living room. "What do you feel like doing now?" she asks.
"I think I should be going home now" I say. "I'm sure my parents will wonder where I am."
"Didn't they know we were hanging out today?" she asks.
"Yeah but I didn't tell them when I'd be home so I probably should go" I say.
"Ok well I'll give you a ride, give me a second until I get my car keys" she tells me when leaving the room, I didn't even get a chance to say I'd be fine walking home. "Ok I'm ready" she says walking back in.
I grab my things and get my jacket on and she takes me home. Just like at dinner, there was an awkward silence the whole ride to my parent's house. We awkwardly kissed before I left the car and went inside.
"Hey sweetie, everything ok?" my mom asks as I walk into the house.
"Yeah it's fine" I lie before heading to my room.