CHUCK VS. THE MONKEY PANTS

CHAPTER TWO

Chuck was completely caught off guard when I showed up at his house, which is exactly what I wanted.

"So Chuck, where is he?"

"Where is who?"

"Come on," I said with determination. "Don't try to cover for him. I know he's here."

"Big Mike called Morgan into the Buy More early. He's probably there by now. You brought a cake?"

"It's our three-month anniversary," I said. I suddenly felt silly holding the cake box.

"Well, congrats to you crazy kids. I'm sure Morgan will devour it. And you're looking good," he said. I wore a short khaki-colored shirtdress with red wedge heels.

"Thanks," I replied, but my eyes began to burn. I couldn't believe I was about to cry. Chuck grabbed the stupid cake before it crashed to the floor. Then he began to gently pat my head.

"I'm not a dog," I said sarcastically, wiping my eyes.

"Sorry. Why don't you have a seat?" he asked.

"Is there another girl?"

"Huh?" Here?"

"No. With Morgan. Is he blowing me off for another girl?"

"I don't think you have anything to worry about. I'm sure you guys will work it out," he reassured me.

He looked like he had just gotten out of bed. His hair was extra scruffy. He was wearing a gray ARMY t-shirt and black sweatpants. I nearly giggled at his white socks and black slippers. There was a hint of dark stubble on his face.

It had been the first time I'd been alone with him. I guess Chuck was technically the other man in my life. If you are dating Morgan or Chuck, you had to take them both. They were a package deal.

He was still holding the cake in his hands. This is the moment when my mind chose to flashback to the dream I had the night before. The one where Chuck and I made sweet, dirty love. I started remembering what those hands did to me in my dream world. I was suddenly very aware of his leg against mine. I felt a strong urge to run my fingers through his hair.

Hello! Earth to Anna!

I made some space between us by reaching for a tissue from a box on the coffee table.

I turned back to him. "You're a good friend. Morgan told me about finding that ring and thinking that you were going to propose to Sarah. He was not happy, at all. How do you deal with that?"

His answer came quick. "Morgan is a good guy. He has to put up with my crap too, you know. Nobody's perfect."

"You know, actually..." I stopped, realizing that I was about to say more than I should. He was hanging on my every word, waiting for me to finish my sentence.

I stood up to go. "Hey. You can keep the cake. Give it to Ellie and Awesome for their engagement or whatever. I have to go. I'll see you later. Thanks for the pep talk." I talked so fast that I didn't know if he understood a word of what I was saying. I didn't wait around to find out.

I couldn't believe how hard I was breathing as I walked to my car. My phone rang as soon as I closed the door.

"Anna, it's Chuck. You want to go to lunch? My treat. Consider it an anniversary present."

"I didn't know you had my number."

"I saved it when you called me last night. And by the way, you interrupted an exceptional dream. Rachel Bilson was just chosen to play Wonder Woman and she... Actually, I shouldn't tell you the rest. It's not for ladies' ears."

What, lady was he talking about?

"Well I can take a guess. Rachel Bilson? That's so wrong. Wonder Woman was an Amazon. Hello? Linda Carter or the original comic books."

"We can talk about it at lunch," he suggested.

"Okay, where?"

Chuck has such a nice smile. That is what I would be thinking if I was a single, available woman. It is the kind of smile that could make a girl melt. And he had absolutely no idea. I thought of this as I sat across from him at lunch. It was just an innocent observation, of course.

"Don't be too hard on him," he said, pleading Morgan's case. "You are his first real girlfriend. And you come with thoughts, and feelings, and you can be hurt, and he could mess it up," he said in a way that made me think he was not just speaking for Morgan, but for himself, and men in general. "It's scary for guys. He just doesn't know how to deal."

"So how are you and Sarah?"

"She's fine. We're fine. Everything's fine."

"Let me get this right. You guys are doing fine," I said, amused. "Morgan's making it more complicated than it has to be. I like him. He likes me. It's simple. No biggie."

"Well…Like I said, I'm sure you two will work it out."

"You know him better than I do."

He just shrugged. "I did want to ask you..." he said. Then he took a big gulp of his ice tea. "...What were you going to say earlier?"

"Earlier? When?" I asked, stalling for time, caught off-guard that he even cared to bring it up.

"Why do I feel like you don't want to tell me something?" He looked determined to get it out of me.

And he was right. I didn't want to talk about anything that would lead to me revealing my secret.

My thoughts went back to that time, before Morgan and my problems with him. I hid the fact that I had, at one time, a huge crush on the tall, lanky fellow sitting across from me now. I liked him because he was smart, funny, cute and an actual good guy. I went out of my way to get him to notice me as more than just a nerd herder. But it didn't happen and then I started dating Morgan. And that was the end of that it.

It was in the past, in a galaxy far, far away. What could go wrong if I told Chuck?

"I'll tell you. I was going to say earlier that actually you are perfect to me." I had almost said perfect "for" me - oops.

"What?" He was obviously taken aback.

"I'm serious. You wouldn't ignore your girlfriend after she went to the trouble of planning a romantic dinner, would you? You are..." I mentally searched for the perfect word to describe him. "…Thoughtful."

My mouth kept moving, I was seemingly powerless to stop it.

"In fact, I had the biggest crush on you before I got with Morgan."

Oh shit! I couldn't believe I had actually said it. I always wondered what he would say if I told him. I held my breath, mostly to stop myself from making more incriminating comments and further humiliating myself.

"I had no idea." He looked completely dumbfounded.

…And that was his response. All I got from him.

One of the waiters dropped a tray of dishes near our table, and by the time the chaos was cleaned up, the moment had passed.

I walked into my apartment and found Morgan sitting on my couch.

"You!" I said, a little startled. "How did you get in here?"

"Karen said it would be okay," he said.

Karen was my good friend and almost roommate because she was at my house so much. I called her the sister I wish I had, who happened to be black. She normally made good decisions on my behalf, but this was not one of them.

Words just started tumbling out of my mouth. All my frustration from the past few days spilled out onto him. Morgan just stood there and took it.

"I deserve that," he said, looking deflated. "Anna, I know I've been a complete jerk. I've been in Morgan World and I realized that Morgan World is nothing without its queen, Anna. I'm really sorry." And he actually got on his knees, and pleaded. It's amazing what good groveling can accomplish.

So we worked things out. But something kept nagging at me. I played along in spite of it and things went fine for a while. Morgan was more attentive, in his own little way. But that nagging feeling would not leave me.

A few weeks after Morgan and I had made up, someone put a note in my work locker. It read:

He is not as he seems.

If you want to know the truth meet me in the breakroom tonight, 9pm.

I figured that the note was either some cute gesture from Morgan or I was about to be the victim of another Buy More practical joke. My curiosity was peaked enough that I showed up as instructed.

I found the breakroom door was locked when I tried to open it. I waited for a few minutes and then I was about to leave when I heard the thud against the door. Then I heard the voices and moving around. The sound was muffled but I could make out one important thing: I female voice saying, "Morgan" over and over. A rush of adrenaline went through me as I realized what was probably happening on the other side of the door.

I stood there trying to convince myself that I was jumping to a conclusion that would be proven false as soon as that door opened. I was waiting when it opened minutes later and out walked Morgan, nearly colliding with me, because he was in such a hurry.

"Anna! I thought you we were meeting later?" He was obviously not happy to see me.

"I thought I'd stop by and…"

I began and then rushed past him. Standing there, in all her bleached blonde glory, was Carli Barnes, one of the salespeople and resident Buy More skank, putting on her shirt. Proving that she was easy in multiple ways, I threatened her once and she spilled everything to me and got the hell out of there.

Morgan tried to talk his way out of it. "Anna, I'm sorry. It was a lapse in judgment. It's just that since we've been dating my stock with the ladies has tripled," Morgan stammered.

"Tripled? You didn't have any stock with the ladies."

"Exactly! That's my point. Now they're coming at me hard. She came on to me!"

I'm blank on anything that happens after that. I do vaguely remember Casey putting The Asshole (Morgan Grimes shall henceforth be known as "The Asshole" or any other variant of such) in a headlock after I told him that The Asshole hit me (A total lie, by the way. Like that would ever happen.) Even Casey cares more about me than Morg—excuse me—The Asshole.

If I hadn't been depressed enough, Valentine's Day reared its ugly, shallow, commercialized head to make it even worse. Karen wouldn't let me stay down. She's so selfish that way. I think my sad Anna routine had scared her and she wanted her kick-ass Anna back. She knew just what would cheer me up—karaoke. Drinking alcohol, having the license to sing cheesy songs by cheesy artists and pretending you are a rockstar – what's not to love about karaoke? Our regular spot was a place called Friar Tuck. It was far too small and smoky, but there was no better place. It had everything you needed: decent food, good drinks, the best music selection and a good crowd.

"That guy Ryan I told you about will meet us there," Karen told me. "He would be perfect for you! He's hot and a lot of fun. He's bringing a friend with him."

Karen had been trying to help me by hooking me up with Ryan. And he turned out to be exactly how Karen described him, dark haired, cute, fun, but totally into her. Before long they were on stage doing "No Air." And for a second, I thought he was going to hump her on stage.

Ryan brought his friend Vince with him. Vince was equally attractive. He reminded me of a younger Lenny Kravitz with his cocoa skin and tattoos on his ripped arms. After we both figured out that Ryan and Karen were hooking up, we started getting to know each other.

After my set of "Buttons," where I did my best Pussycat Dolls impression, I nearly tripped over some dude that was blocking me from getting off the stage. I'm about to tell this jerk to move when I realize that "the jerk" was Chuck!

"Anna. Oh My God – you were awesome!"

I was startled to see him there.

"What are you doing here?" I said, trying to control the big smile that was threatening to take over my face.

"I'm meeting Ellie, Awesome and...Morgan. I guess I'm the first one here."

My inner smile instantly disappeared. Any mention of that Morgan person instantly changed my mood for the worse.

"Aww...so it's a double date. How precious. I'm glad you two are still going strong."

I brought Chuck over to my table and introduced him to the gang.

"Join us!" Karen said. She not-so-secretly checked him out and gave me a wink. "So this is your man-uh-ger? You were right for once. He's cute. And tall. I was worried after that Morgan detour you were taking." Mental note: Remember to kill Karen later. In the meantime, I gave her a kick under the table.

"She's a drunk. Don't pay attention to anything she tells you," I told Chuck. He looked confused, and doubtful.

I turned to Karen. "Sooo, guess who will be joining Chuck here tonight—? Senor Asshole!"

"That's the ex. I told you about him." Karen explained to Ryan.

"I invited him here a few times and he never came," I said to Chuck.

"And this is her secret Anna world. It is a big deal for her to invite anyone," Karen added.

Chuck leaned over so I could hear him over the music. I got a tingle from his face briefly brushing against my neck.

"He missed out. You were really fantastic," he said.

I couldn't believe how good his comment made me feel.

"Thanks. All that practice with a hairbrush paid off," I said giggling into his ear.

I was about to ask him about Sarah (Where was she?) when Awesome, Ellie, and The Asshole, formerly known as Morgan, showed up and Chuck joined them at their own table.

Vince did an impressive version of "I Want You to Want Me" and we flirted shamelessly all night. And even with the distraction of my ex, Karen's mission was accomplished—I had a good time.

At least the parts I could remember were good.

I went from doing shots with Karen, Ryan and Vince to being in the passenger seat of a car with Chuck at the wheel.

"Hey – you're awake. Let me know if you have to throw up and I'll pull over," he said.

But I wasn't sure if he meant it because he was driving like a mad man. He kept looking in the rearview mirror and definitely did not look like someone willing to make a pit stop.

"What's going on?" I said. I didn't recognize my voice. God, it hurt to think, to talk.

"Karen asked me to take you home. You drank more than I've seen anyone drink, except maybe Jeff. Mr. Liver is going to be really mad at you one day," he said in his rapid fire way.

I heard a huge crash behind us. Or was it above us? At that point I couldn't figure anything out. A few turns later and we were at my house. The simple act of getting the key in the door was difficult for me before Chuck grabbed it from my hand. He propped me on my red living room couch and then made a call. I was trying to figure out what he was so frantic about. I could tell that he was talking to Sarah.

"She's okay. I've been staying close like you guys said," he said before his voice went too low for me to hear anymore.

"Everything okay?" I said after he hung up.

"Yeah. It will be," he said, obviously distracted.

Then he started buzzing around my kitchen and came back with a cup full of some green goop.

"Drink this. It's the best hangover remedy ever. It looks worse than it tastes."

I took a sip and it was ungodly in its foulness. "EWWW," was all I could manage to say.

"Well, some people think it's not that bad. You can thank Awesome for the recipe."

"Yeah – I'll be sure to do that."

I really was not feeling well. And everything suddenly looked like a reflection from a fun house mirror, all distorted.

"Nice place," Chuck said, looking around. I'm sure he expected some punk nerd hybrid instead of the colorful, yet comfortable style I had taken.

I got up and headed down the hall for my bedroom.