Practical Parenting 4: Toddler Taming
by Shamenka
The noise emanating from the Olympian home of Ares, God of War was deafening. It was shrill, carrying, piercing, down right bloody awful in fact. Not only all that, it had been going on for hours with out rest or let up. The baby God making that racket was heading for an all Olympian record, twelve solid hours of continuous screaming.
Without any apparent halt for breath.
Outside the temple, Ares was blasting off lightening bolts, trying to reduce his stress levels. All around him were little piles of rubble. Statues and such supplied by Ares' family members. No one wanted to risk the screaming baby to the tender mercies of a sleep deprived Ares.
"That's it! That's enough!" Hera staggered out of Ares' temple. Strife still screaming behind her. "We have to move his development beyond this teething business." She dragged her less than sane son along behind her by one wrist. "We gotta find your father."
Zeus was trying to soundproof his study when Ares and Hera arrived. He was more than amenable to their request, so much so in fact that he went off and collected Asclepius and Strife.
The healer had to monitor the growth rate of the baby God as Zeus, his wife and son, pushed Strife's growth along. After they were finished, and Asclepius was satisfied that Strife was well, Ares took his charge home. Once there, Ares realised that Strife would no longer fit in the crib. He was far too tired to create a new bed for the child, so he tucked him up in his own. Right before he lay down beside Strife and fell into a deep sleep. Much to the now toddling Strife's annoyance.
The toddling Godling looked around the room for a toy to play with. There were lots of cuddle toys, but nothing that would afford him a long term game. He needed a toy, or someone to play with. He prodded the sleeping War God to no effect what so ever. He hung over the edge of the bed, but there was no one under it to play with either. All the cuddle toys were summonsed and lined up against the sleeping War God. Where they proceeded to do absolutely nothing at all.
A distant memory, or just an idea occurred, and Strife began to think of mortals. They knew how to play. Uncle Snugly was always fun. So was his little blond friend. And Aunty Comfy, she always cooed and made interesting noises for him. He could remember other mortals too, only he didn't seem to have names for them. Just tags like fun to annoy, dangerous when wet, do not feed after midnight. Although he did wonder what midnight was, briefly.
He cast his mind, such as it was, around the world. Well, as much of the world as he could picture at any one time. He found Aunty Comfy. She was making funny noises, as was the man leaning over her. Maybe they'd let him play? Whatever game it was seemed to keep them all amused.
In Aphrodite's temple a minor orgy was taking place. She was in the throws of passion for one of the pretty young boys who waited on her hand and foot, and everywhere in between. Her groans of delight mixed with his.
Until a shrill squeal of surprise erupted from her suddenly constricted throat. For there, sitting on the boys back was a toddler. On a closer look she realised it was Strife. He had gone from a cutesy baby to an adorable, if in the entirely wrong place, toddler. She was just planing what she'd say to Ar when he turned up when Strife talked.
"Pay?" he asked.
"Certainly not, this is a religious act." She replied, entirely confusing the child.
"Wanna pay." He tried again. He tried to speak slowly, just in case it helped.
"You're far too young." Aunty Comfy informed the child, who now had a double handful of the young bucks hair. "Anyway, what would Uncle Ares say, hmm?"
"Bu' wanna' pay horsy." Strife's little bottom lip pouted out, then ducked under his prominent upper lip. The eyes filled with tears and he looked about to wail.
"Shh, Strifey, shh. I'm busy, come back later and we'll play horsy, ok?" She smiled, she thought it a convincing smile.
"No!" Strife jumped up and down, almost putting the young buck totally off his stroke. "Wanna pay now."
"Well you can't." She snapped. She immediately realised it might not have been a good move as soon as she had made it.
"You're not nice." Strife burst into tears, pushed out his thoughts and feelings, filtered through his hidden adult God skills and his child's desire for revenge. Even if it was a concept he couldn't spell, he still wanted it.
The young buck turned into a fine young colt. A fine, nervous, young colt at that. He decorated Aunty Comfy's carpets, in several places no less, before he could be removed. Everyone thought it was funny, except for Dite. Yet, as they laughed they began to pass wind, loudly, smellily, in all the wrong times and places. Somehow, Dite did find that funny.
Strife, however, was gone. Off to look for a playmate elsewhere.
On Olympus Ares rolled over, squashed something child shaped and sized and woke in a panic. On realising it was just one of Strife's cuddle toys he relaxed. Then he flew off the bed in an even greater panic as he realised he didn't feel the young God anywhere on Olympus.
Strife was on the loose.
Ares screamed on his parents, explaining what had happened, as far as he was aware of what had happened. They all pushed out with their powers and found strong trace of the missing child with Aphrodite. Amongst other places. They spilt up to make the search go quicker.
"I'll take Dite." Hera announced. "Ares, Hercules, and you, Zeus, can go see that thief chap. Okay?" Both Gods nodded at her, far too aware of her potential when someone put a child she favoured at risk.
However, even she couldn't resist laughing at the rather vulgar sounds emanating from Dite's orgy guests. The smells she could live with out though.
"Has Strife been here?" She looked around herself, knowing full well her mischievous grandson had been there at some point.
"He was, he turned my acolyte into a colt, made everyone else make these totally groddy noises and left." Then she realised to whom she was speaking and tried a more friendly smile. That entailed opening her mouth enough to bare her teeth in a toothy smile. She could taste the smell, could feel the enamel cracking off her pearly white teeth. "What happened to him?" She shut up, relocated to another room, with much fresher air, and sat down. Hera hadn't missed a beat, she had followed right along.
"He was teething, so we moved him along, slightly. Now he's off doing what he does best, or so it would seem."
"Hey, look at this." Dite snapped her fingers and the colt with the nervous bowel appeared, and messed. "He was a six foot plus hunk of an acolyte. Now look at him?" As she squealed she frightened the poor beast into making more mess.
"Ew!" She wrinkled her nose and pouted.
"Come on horsy." Hera touched the colt and transferred him to her rose garden, there at least his mess would be put to good use. She reported to the others no luck and returned to Olympus to settle her new horse, or rather, Strife's new horse.
Hercules was valiantly battling a hissing, biting, snapping Hydra. He had it almost pinned in place. Almost though was not quite the same as totally defeated and in its place. Iolaus had dashed back to the village, to round up some able bodied men and they would all tackle the beast together.
The hero swung the sword Iolaus had left him, almost, but not quite hitting the snapping head nearest to him.
Just as he swung he noticed a very small child sitting directly before the Hydra.
Dashing forwards he scooped up the child, thought he should recognise him and tried to get the little boy to safety.
"Wanna pay." The child said.
"Pay what?" Hercules asked, wondering what a toddler could possibly wish to pay for in the first place.
"Pay horsy!" The child squealed, bouncing up and down on Hercules' hip. Between the child and the Hydra, the hero didn't know where to turn.
"You gotta get to safety. This is a Hydra, it's very dangerous." He spoke slowly, and carefully, to the child, hoping he got through to him.
"Bu' I wanna' pay!" The child pouted, then sucked in his bottom lip, letting the rather familiar pointy top lip protrude.
"It's too dangerous here." Then Hercules recognised the child. He didn't know how it had happened, but this was his nephew, the former baby Strife.
"Strife, it's far too dangerous here. Go home to Ares, he's probably looking for you." He tried to shoo the child away, just as he heard reinforcements coming round the bend in the road. As he looked to see where they were he looked away from Strife. He turned back to see what the Hydra was actually doing. Just as the villagers rounded the bend in the road, egging each other one, there was a terrific flash of light.
"Herc, we're here!" Iolaus shouted out. But he stopped dead in his tracks as Hercules the hero was faced with the savage snapping of a tiny white, fluffy, green eyed kitten. Mewling no less, and trying to deliver a death blow to the hero's ankles.
Iolaus wasn't the only one. Every able bodied man that had followed Iolaus to Hercules' rescue saw it too. Not one of them could halt their hysterical laughter. Not even when a worried, angered God of War turned up. Hercules did worry, he knew Ares would be looking for Strife, but the child had given him the slip, as well as a kitten.
"Has Strife been here?" Ares looked at the kitten, not his half brother. The kitten mewed again and tried to bite the hero. "That kitten doesn't seem to like you much." He pointed that out, just in case Hercules hadn't noticed.
"I know, and that kitten isn't a kitten. It was a Hydra." Hercules picked up the little bundle of white fluff and handed it to his brother. "I think it got in Strife's way. He wanted to play horsy."
Ares took the kitten, it felt like a kitten, was fluffy like a kitten, showed a great deal of Strife's power signature about it, and to all intents and purposes was a kitten. It crawled into Ares' vest and snuggled down. It's whiskers tickled the War God, making him bite his tongue in case he giggled and ruined his reputation.
Just as Ares fished the kitten out of it's hiding place his mother arrived. She had been drawn to the almost uncontrolable urge Ares was transmiting. The urge to giggle like a Muse on mushrooms. She had simply had to see what was causing this unaccustomed giggle-fit in her son.
It was about that point that the villagers, and Iolaus, began to take things seriously, and worried in case the Gods decided they were too disrespectful to live.
"He was gone by the time I got to Aphrodite's festival." She laughed, clamped a hand over her mouth to hold the ungodlike mirth in. "He'd turned an acolyte into a horse." She took a deep calming breath and looked at Hercules rather than Ares. She felt sure she'd lose all composure if she looked at her son. "And he'd left all these orgying idiots belching and far.." She got no further, Iolaus had cottoned on to the scenario and had erupted in shrill laughter.
"Herc said he was here too." The hunter managed a few words to the Queen of the Gods and they both dissolved in laughter.
"The noise." Hera gasped out. "And the smell." It was enough and a few hardy souls joined in, laughing with her and Iolaus, able to imagine a room full of lovers making the most awful smells and sounds.
"He turned a Hydra into a kitten. Ares has the kitten." The hero didn't appreciate being laughed at, even by his father's wife.
"How close did he get to the Hydra?" Ares asked, worried in case his charge was hurt.
"Close enough to give me heart failure. I picked him up out of the way as soon as I saw him there." Hercules leaned over and scratched the kitten's ears.
The kitten spun round and bit him. Or at least it tried to. The sudden change from ferocious beast to bundle of fluff being a hard one to cope with.
"So he's not here now?" Hera had finally found a modicum of self control, she too reached over and tickled the kitten. Her touch it permitted.
She lifted the kitten from Ares' hands and snuggled it close. She focused her will on the beast and sent it to her garden too. It could await its new owner just as easily there as inside Ares' vest.
"So, we still have to find Strife, we'd better get on with it Ares." She nodded, briefly, to her step son and then turned to her natural son. "You check out Xena and that irritating blonde and I'll go see the other one, Joxer. Ok?"
"They might be travelling together, they often are." Ares pointed out, all the while he was locating his next target.
"We'll cope with that if it happens." And so saying Hera vanished, followed immediately by Ares.
Zeus arrived just as the treasury guards arrested Autolycus. It was a minor inconvenience, especially as Autolycus seemed to have seen his missing grandson, judging by the rambling account of what had happened. It seemed to him that he had to rescue the thief first, before he could rescue Strife. Where ever the little bundle of mischief had gone.
"Excuse me, gentlemen, but you have apprehended someone I require. If you could just hand him over I'll be forever grateful." He looked at the men, saw the disdain in their eyes. "Very well then, so be it!" He had to admit that he was obviously thinking about young Strife, the men turned into a litter of pups. All big feet and ears and shiny black noses.
"Oh, Gods." Autolycus groaned. "Another God." Then he thought about it, about the general look of the God beside him. "Erm, Zeus?" He looked hopeful as he awaited his fate.
"Have you seen Strife, little fellow, about two years old. Cute as a button?" Zeus beamed at the thief.
It was all too much and Autolycus fainted.
Zeus had no recourse but to fish around in his mind for the relevant information. He was delighted to see that little Strife was just wanting to play. He had left the thief still in one piece after all. He had taken the giant ruby Autolycus had been about to acquire, but had left him in one piece. Strife had taken the trinket simply because the thief had refused to play with him.
The King of the Gods sighed, looked at the pups he had created and wondered what to do with them. As with all his dilemmas, the answer came from Hera. Move them to her garden for the meantime, and keep on searching. He did so, accidentally moving the thief there too. He assumed Hera would find something to do with him when he awoke and prepared to continue the search.
Then he had the flash of inspiration. Autolycus was a handsome enough mortal. That thought was followed by another, possibly more dangerous one. For Autolycus that was. He never paid his wife enough attention. What if the thief did?
A jealous and angered King of the Gods appeared right beside his wife as she appeared right beside Joxer. Another cute mortal man. Zeus was seeing a pattern where there was none. But that didn't stop him.
Ares did however. He had also appeared beside his mother. And Joxer and Xena and Gabrielle and a strange female that was really tearing them off a strip. Joxer was sitting in the dust playing with the very Godling they were all looking for.
"What happened here?" Ares demanded. Looking at his nephew playing catch with a large ruby, and of course Joxer.
"Well, see, it's like this. The kid here arrived and asked if he could play horsy with Xena's horsy. He even offered to pay for a shot. Xena said no. She said a lot more besides, mostly about there being too many Gods as it were with out new ones being born. She didn't have a good night with her being pregnant and all that. Anyway, she swiped at the kid and I only just got him away. So he says, if she won't play nice she can't play at all. He turned Argo into that woman over there. And boy has she got a lot to say to them two." Joxer caught the ruby, tossed it to Ares and swept the child into his arms. Standing up he handed the child to Hera. "I assume this little one belongs with you?" Just as he spoke the voice of the woman that had been Argo the horse drifted over to them.
"And another thing, have you ever heard of bathing?" She glared at the Warrior Princess "I don't give a dam if you are pregnant by some deity you never saw or whatever the excuse you gave dip shit there is. But you stink! You sit on my back and ooze stink out all day, every day. Damn it woman, wash!" Even before the irate fighter could strike out Argo hit out first. With her tongue yet again.
"As for you dip shit, could you shut the fuck up? Even for one day? I loath and detest your continual whine. Ooh I'm no good as a hero.. Ooh I'm too peaceful to fight my own battles.. Ooh, let me stab him, I've not killed anyone today. And as for those for shit stories - Xena broke free in a single, mighty bound. Yipping like a stuck pig, is the bit you always left out. That and plot, and characterisation. Tartarus, you never once actually wrote the truth, it was more by accident than design that Xena won anything. You are a crap writer and a bully. You know that? You thought Xena was too fond of me and so you'd hurt me while you were supposed to be grooming me. As for poor Joxer. Oh you're shit to him, but if anyone else looks and thinks, damn but I bet he's a fun fuck, whammo! Instant irate shit for brains blondie."
The Gods just stood there, unable to look away, taking a step closer to Joxer. They could all see him catching all the fall out from this little tirade once the horse was once more a horse. As opposed to just being a nag.
"Strife, change her back." Ares pointed to the woman raging at Xena and Gabrielle. He exchanged the ruby for his nephew with his mother and smiled at the now yawning child.
"No." Strife said adamantly. Turning back to Ares and falling instantly asleep.
"One of you lot turn her back then!" Gabrielle demanded of the Gods.
"Can't." Zeus pointed out helpfully. "What one God does another can't undo and all that."
"We can dress her in something other than a horse blanket however." Hera made a grand sweep with one hand and dressed the newly created woman.
"Shh, he's asleep." Ares whispered, snuggling the missing Godling in close to him.
"I'm not surprised, he and I were running about all over the place. I'm about asleep on my feet too." So saying, Joxer yawned, covered his mouth and tried to smile sheepishly at the Gods before him.
"Well, thank you for playing with him. It was sweet of you." Hera took the mortal in her arms, which was a big mistake, Zeus was still unaccountably jealous.
"It's bad enough you now have a horse, a cat, several puppies and a thief in your garden, what do you need him for?" he pointed at the skinny mortal.
"I don't, but Ares does. He needs someone who can baby-sit with Strife." She looked at Joxer, then at the still annoyed exhorse and her former owners. "Or you can stay here with them?"
Looking over at them, then at the sleeping toddler in Ares' arms.
"No contest, I'm with Ares."
So saying they all vanished, leaving a bright flash, and Autolycus, behind them.
"Oh Gods, it's one of your private fuck fantasy men. Every single time he turns up your stink gets worse, I swear..."
Xena wondered if killing Argo now would count as murder. As did Gabrielle.
Autolycus just wondered if they'd introduce him to her.
The End - again.