Memories of the Heart by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. A mission goes horribly wrong while Sam's life is changed forever. Spoilers: All seasons, including 10 to the end.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.
Memories of the Heart
Chapter 8
A.N. Hi. I just wanted to warn you. This chapter has some facts that may offend some readers. If you do not like to talk about anatomy, sex, and anything related to them, steer away from this story. It is definitely not graphic, but this and the following sections will talk about such things. Please, do not complain if you keep reading and then you do not like what you read. On the other hand, if you are enjoying the story, be kind and let me know. Thanks.
Sam stopped reading. She was stunned. The whole idea −having a family, raising children, storing sperm− was shocking to her. For years she had been avoiding thinking about her age, her chances at having children, the lack of a man in her life… She had not allowed herself to go there since the very same day when she had broken her engagement to Pete.
Daniel had thought about it. He had planned for it. Perhaps he had even had her in mind when he dreamt about a family. He had said that he had given thought to the idea of something happening between them; he had asked her to think about exploring it further… More importantly, he had admitted that he loved her.
Wow. The idea was overwhelming. She could not think about it right then. She decided to keep reading before analyzing her own feelings.
"The contract is automatically renewed at the end of every year, unless one of the parties decides to terminate it. I'm asking you to keep the storage fee paid for me −in advance− for as long as you think there's a chance I might come back. If you already know I'm really dead and buried, then, you can disregard the whole thing.
If you decide to keep it, I don't care what you use to pay for it. You have power over all my bank accounts and you can even sell the house −I never liked it too much− because this is more important for me. You will get a written notice prior to the renewal and then you'll have thirty days to pay. At this time, only I can order the sperm destroyed, but it will happen anyway if the dues are not paid in time.
I haven't thought what would happen if you're not there to do it. I don't want to think about that. I can't.
When I signed the contract, I had to choose who would be able to retrieve the specimens besides me. Because it was not intended to be for an anonymous donation and because I don't have an intimate partner at this time −those were the other two options− I had to select a directed donor. That means that the sperm can only be released by myself and by any third party I chose. This third party has full access to it, for its use, directed use, or even destruction.
My dear Sam, you are the third party I chose.
I hope this doesn't offend you and I also hope that you understand that I know you'll never need me to have a family. I've met many men who would gladly spend the rest of their lives with you if you gave them the chance. I didn't leave this to you because I thought you would use it −though you'd be welcome to it in the unlikely case that you wanted it− but because I needed someone I can trust with such a delicate thing and I couldn't find anyone better than you.
That said, if you ever know of any reason why this sperm should be used to help someone, you're free to utilize it as you want. You know I'm not perfect, but, at least, I'm healthy, as all the tests the F.D.A. made me do at the time of storage can prove.
I didn't include all this with the rest of the items in my will because the death of the client usually ends the agreement. Please, don't let them know. Just send the last form I attached −change of address− so that the letters come to you from now on."
Sam stopped again. For a moment she had thought he would ask her to have his baby, but then she realized that at the time he wrote the letter he had no way of knowing what would be her situation when she opened it. What would have happened if she was already married to someone else or at least she had a boyfriend? No. He wanted the sperm for himself; he wanted to have the chance to have children. She was only the keeper of his treasure, of his hope.
In any case, Daniel had been declared dead, but he was not buried anywhere, and, as long as it continued that way, she would keep paying for his storage.
She finished reading the letter. Daniel thanked her again for taking care of his things and then he thanked her for everything she had meant in his life. Now that she knew that he loved her, his words sounded even more significant to her. If only she had said anything about her feelings to him… No, she had not. As always; as when he was dying of radiation poisoning and she had gather enough courage to talk to him after he was drowning in pain killers to avoid feeling the pain of drowning in his own blood.
She could not avoid crying anymore.
She cried for a long time, holding onto her pillow, as she realized the immensity of her bed without Daniel. How could one night change so much? He had not been the first man in her life, nor had he ever been in that bed… How could she miss him so much?
By dinner time she started thinking about not going back to Atlantis, about going in search of Daniel. After all, they had not found his body and many people had seemed to hear or feel him somehow. She thought about calling her friends. Maybe Teal'c would go with her. Vala surely would…
She soon desisted. It was nothing but a dream and she needed to wake up. She had obligations, responsibilities. She had to go back to work.
She would not hide her pain anymore, though. Daniel deserved to be mourned.