Memories of the Heart by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. A mission goes horribly wrong while Sam's life is changed forever. Spoilers: All seasons, including 10 to the end.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

Memories of the Heart

Chapter 15

A.N. Hi. If you are enjoying the story, please, be kind and let me know. Thanks.

Daniel closed his eyes and lay still on the floor. He had just been brought back from the laboratories; he knew it because he had very vague memories of the previous days and he could also see the cuts and prick marks on his body. He refused to dwell on what could have been done to him in that place; to keep his sanity he had to avoid thinking about it.

Slowly he started to relax. He was not in pain so he was not going to try to get into deep meditation. Sometimes he was afraid that, if he kept using that method to separate his mind from his suffering body, he would end up ascending. He wished he could remember how traveling worked when ascended. What would happen if he ascended in that place? Would he be trapped there? Orlin had been banished to the planet Velona by the Others, which meant there were ways to restrain movement. Was there a field that could prevent him from leaving this horrible place? How had he been able to go see Jack or Teal'c while he was ascended the first time? He knew that he had that knowledge in his mind, but he was not capable of accessing it. He was convinced that what he had remembered up until now was due to what he had learned while being probed by Replicator Carter and by the conditions in which he was held captive. Suffering horrible pain and alone, in the dark and in the deepest silence.

He sighed. Where were his friends? Where was Jack right now? We wished there was a chance that Jack would come to his rescue, like before, but by now he was almost certain that his friends would never find him. At least, not alive. Even if there was a miracle and they found where he was kept prisoner, it would not be Jack coming to save him. Probably Cameron and Teal'c; maybe Vala, too.

And Sam? How was she doing? How had Atlantis received her? Did she ever think of him?

He did not want to picture too much about what Sam was doing. To remember that he had lost her just when there was a chance, a possibility that she would love him, hurt him more than any physical injury. He did not want to imagine what could have happened, but now and then he allowed himself to revisit the only night they had spent together, making love. The only time when she had been only his, by her own initiative, without him telling her anything about what he felt for her. Well, not until it was all over.

Had it been wrong to tell her? Would that revelation have made his disappearance worse for her? He could clearly remember what she had told him in Vis Uban. Losing him had been one of the hardest things she had ever been through. Not as hard as it was losing her for him…

Sam… He closed his eyes and concentrated his thoughts on her. During the last weeks her presence had become stronger. Okay; maybe it was all a delusion, but he was sure that he could feel her, very far from him, but somewhere there where he could reach her.

At the beginning he had thought that it was just his desire to be close to her, but, slowly, he had started believing he could get to her. In any event, he was achieving other extraordinary things, like healing his minor wounds or escaping from pain.

It usually took a while… Ah… There she was… He tightened his eyes and breathed deeply. It felt like he could almost touch her. She was probably sleeping. He could not see an image of her, but he could feel her serene heartbeat. She was all right.

That comforted him.

Suddenly, something else caught his attention. It had happened before, but only lately. It felt as if she was not alone. He was not sure what was taking him to that conclusion, but that was the sensation he had.

He had not felt that at the beginning. Maybe it meant that she was in love… or… No; he had no idea. However, if it really meant that she was no longer alone, it made him happy. She felt much more peaceful than before. There had been days when he had sensed she was in deep turmoil. That seemed to be over.

Good. Now he could allow himself to sleep.

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Sam turned in bed. Tomorrow Teal'c would be there to help Ronon with his I.O.A. interview. It would be nice to see Teal'c again. She missed him. She wanted to talk to him about her baby. He would understand.

It amazed her how much the simple fact of being pregnant had changed her way of thinking. Now she understood many of Teal'c's feelings and reactions toward his son's actions, most of which had seemed completely illogical to her before. Just the idea of having a child had modified her outlook.

She smiled. Daniel had been as clueless as she was about it. He would be so happy if he knew he had a child somewhere in the universe. She wished she could just tell him. She remembered how much it had hurt him to let Shifu go. She imagined how much it had hurt him not to be the father of Sha're's son.

In the next days she would have an amniocentesis and she would know for certain if her baby was healthy and if he was a boy or a girl. She was convinced that it was a boy; she could almost feel it.

She started falling asleep. Then, she felt Daniel around her. She felt that very often lately. It was probably her imagination, but it made her very serene, at ease.

Yes, Daniel, I am here and I love you very much.

If only he were really there; if only he could hear her, at least once.