Memories of the Heart by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. A mission goes horribly wrong while Sam's life is changed forever. Spoilers: All seasons, including 10 to the end.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.
Memories of the Heart
Chapter 25
A.N. Hi. Happy New Year! Here goes a little present.
If you are enjoying the story, please, be kind and let me know. Thanks.
Sam sat down. All the teams that were due were home for the day. Most of the goals had been achieved. There had been no injuries or fatalities during the missions. In general, it had been a good day.
Now, she could go back to her problem. Not strictly a problem; more a matter of making a decision. She had been thinking about it since the first days of March. After much consideration, she accepted the fact that it had been Jack who had prompted her sudden interest in a second pregnancy.
It came from long before, but he had been the flame that ignited the hidden quandary.
She tried to remember how she had gotten to this point.
First, there was Danny's first birthday, just four days before the second anniversary of big Daniel's disappearance. It was a milestone, a signal, a confirmation that Daniel was not coming back.
Sam organized a small party, more for the adults who cared about Danny and her than for her son himself. She did not think he understood that he was the reason of the party, but he surely enjoyed having so many people playing with him and making noise in the house.
All day long she waited to see or hear a sign of Daniel. Just a word, an image, something… But there was nothing. He missed his son's birthday just as he had missed the whole first year of his life.
Many of Sam's hopes were lost that day.
She had not let go easily. For months she had expected him to be back, even if it was in his ascended form. She hoped he would descend, but, at least, she believed he would communicate with her again.
At the beginning she thought he would be back any minute. She would run to the door every time the bell rang or run to the phone as soon as it started ringing, always waiting to hear that someone had found him in a forgotten planet somewhere.
Some days, she expected to find him sitting at his desk like before, smiling behind the doors to his quarters, leaning over their son's crib.
Sometimes at night, she would wake up thinking she had heard him talk to her, or laughing in the next room, or even breathing by her side, but as soon as she turned on the light, reality proved her wrong.
As time passed, she started crying without a reason. All the objects that she had kept from him to remind her of his life, only made it more evident that he was dead. She put away the more obvious stuff, like his boots at the bottom of her quarters' closet or his coat on the hanger and the end of the line.
Then, she stopped talking about Daniel with the rest of their friends. Nobody else had any hopes of seeing him again ─after a while, not even Teal'c or Jack─ but Sam clung to the memory of his last visit for as long as she could. Even Vala, who initially had completely refused to believe he was dead, finally came to accept it. Talking about him with them meant having to explain why she still had hopes and that became harder and harder.
What bothered her the most was that she had not told him much about her feelings the last time she saw him. She wanted him to know that the I love you she had given him meant more than just their usual best-friend love. She had hoped she could explain it better the next time, but there had not been one. If at least she had tried to give him a little good bye kiss, something that showed him what she meant…
Ah. She had to stop thinking about it. She had to do it like that lately. Just stop torturing herself.
What had happened after the birthday? Not much until Jack finally retired and moved back to Colorado Springs on January. She was sure he would go to his Minnesota cabin and never come back, but he had chosen their town instead. She was happy about it. Having Danny's godfather closer was a big advantage. Having her friend of so many years closer was great comfort...
Until Jack started getting too close. Sam was not sure, but she felt he was trying to rekindle the infatuation they both had had for each other so long ago. It had been very strong and, in the eyes of mostly everyone, it had never become anything else just because of the regulations. Now, that was not a problem anymore.
Jack did not know anything about her relationship with Daniel and Sam gave him a chance in her heart. She tried to even imagine what life would be with Jack now that Daniel was gone, but his memory was still too strong. That was when she began thinking she had to strengthen her bond with Daniel. A second child was the best idea she could came up with and it grew and grew until she was certain there was nothing else she wanted more.
By the end of June, she tried for the first time, but it did not work out. She was getting older and conception would have been hard even in normal circumstances.
By the end of July, she tried again, this time with the help of some Follicle Stimulating Hormones to induce ovulation in order to increase her chances.
By the end of August, she knew they had succeeded and a month later she knew she was expecting twins. She had been told there was a chance of a multiple pregnancy if she used the hormones, but two babies did not seem too much. She was happy.
It was too much change in too little time, but she dealt with it admirably.
The whole process cooled off Jack intentions. He carefully backed off and went back to being her friend. Though Sam felt better about it, she realized that it had been just a secondary effect of what she really wanted to achieve. She did want another child. She wanted Danny to have the chance of sharing his life with a brother or a sister.
She wanted her second child to be Daniel's too. It was her only way to defeat his death.