Memories of the Heart by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. A mission goes horribly wrong while Sam's life is changed forever. Spoilers: All seasons, including 10 to the end.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

Memories of the Heart

Chapter 32

Warning about sex and violence (very little).

The next morning Sam woke him up with breakfast. She was surprised to see that he had not really gotten in bed; he was almost exactly where she left him.

"Are you feeling well?"

"Yeah,"

"Okay. Why don't you have some of this," she said as she put the breakfast tray on a small rolling table, "and then we'll do the breathing exercises."

Daniel nodded and grabbed the cup of coffee. "This is good," he said as he savored it. "Don't think I had much of this in the last years."

Sam smiled. "I got some of your favorite coffees. I thought you'd enjoy them."

"Yeah. Thanks."

Daniel was silent the rest of the meal and Sam just let him enjoy his food. When he was finished, she moved the table away and asked, "Are you ready for the deep breathing? Jennifer said it was very important."

"Okay."

"I'll go get the new bandages. I'll be back in a minute."

She came back with all the supplies the doctor had given her and sat by his side.

Daniel slowly starting taking off his shirt and she helped him. Then, Sam began unwrapping the bandage. He closed his eyes; it was rather painful, but he did not want to show it to Sam.

She noticed anyway. "I'm sorry."

"That's okay." He opened his eyes and took his glasses off. He was about to ask Sam about Cassie's school, when a flashback made him move his torso away from her.

"I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?"

"No…" he said, still stunned. "I just remembered something. Go on." He straightened and let her continue. A few seconds later, it happened again.

"Wow! Was that another memory?" Sam asked.

Daniel was breathing fast, shivering, and obviously in pain. "Yes."

"Do you want to talk about it? Did you remember anything about the Odjods?"

"No. It was something different. Maybe what the Furlings did to my memories of these years affected other areas."

"What do you mean?"

"What I remembered had nothing to do with the prison."

"What was it?" She asked as she got a blanket and covered him to try to stop the shivering.

He was reluctant, but he finally gave in. "I thought of Shyla. I was dying, because of the injuries from the cave in, and she was leaning over me, trying to get me into the sarcophagus without anyone else knowing. It hurt so much and then… I think that was when I died."

"Oh, Daniel! What about the second time? That had a different effect on you."

"That-" he shook his head. "No; it doesn't matter."

"Daniel, it's better if you talk about it."

"I don't talk about it."

"About what?"

He lowered his head until his chin almost touched his chest. Defeat. That was his gesture of defeat.

"Come on, Daniel. Tell me." She carefully knelt in front of him to see his face. "What?"

He took his time debating whether to tell her or not. "Hathor," he finally said.

"Holly Hannah!" Sam thought, but she softly asked, "You had a flashback about Hathor?"

He sighed deeply and Sam knew he hurt himself with it.

"What did you remember?" She tried again.

He closed his eyes tightly. "I was lying on the bed and she was sitting on me and her hands were pushing onto my chest and I couldn't breathe… It just hurt and everything was becoming darker… That's all I remembered."

"Did you ever talk about this with the psychiatrist at the base?"

"No."

"What do you mean no? Didn't Janet send you to him?"

"No."

"I don't understand."

"She didn't have a full report. She just found some bruised ribs and other minor injuries, but with all the things that happened that day, she had no way of knowing what really happened."

"But she was with me when we found you, after…" She was not sure she wanted to continue talking about it. She could see it bothered him, but perhaps he needed to let it all out. "So, you lied to her?"

"I didn't remember all of it at that time. It all came back slowly, like in a dream… a nightmare, actually." He paused. "Janet reported that Hathor used my D.N.A., but she had no need to explain how it was obtained. She probably didn't want to pressure me too much, right after what happened with Nem. I don't think anyone wanted to talk about it. Jack had his own traumatic memories to deal with and I never brought it up."

"Have you ever had nightmares or flashbacks about it?"

"Nightmares, yes, plenty." He looked at her. "Come on, Sam. Get up. Sit here. You shouldn't be kneeling there."

"I'm fine." She sat by his side, "But don't change the subject, Daniel. Rape is something too serious to keep it inside all this time."

"It was not exactly rape."

"Come on, Daniel! Let's see, she drugged you and when you were unable to oppose her will, she forced you into sexual intercourse. That constitutes rape under any definition of the term." She stopped because she saw how distressed he was. She softened her tone. "Don't you think you should talk about this with someone?"

He shook his head. "You know what the worst was?" he asked.

She was not sure he was actually expecting a reply, so she remained quiet. He was talking to someone. To her.

"I knew. I knew what she was really doing. She had explained to me that she was the queen, the mother of all gods, and that she needed the code of life from us, so that the host wouldn't reject the larva… but when she said I should contribute it, I tried to stop her-"

"Daniel, you couldn't stop her."

"She drugged me more and I couldn't resist her. I kept doing everything she wanted even when in my head I was yelling at her to stop, at my body to stop... That must be how a host feels. You see your body do things and all the time you're trapped inside your mind…"

She sighed. "Yeah, that was more or less what I felt with Jolinar."

"You were lucky that she was a Tok'Ra."

"Daniel," she tried.

"Don't worry. I'll be fine. It's just that I still blame myself for letting her use me to create more of one of the few things I've ever hated. I've had nightmares where Jack had a symbiote inside of him and whenever it talked to him, it had my voice."

"Oh, Daniel!" She wanted to hug him, but it could hurt him. "Listen, it's time to take your painkiller. I'll give it to you and then you lie down here until it takes effect, and, then, we try the exercises."

He nodded and she brought the medicine. He took a pill and carefully lay down on the bed.

Sam grabbed a blanket and gently covered him with it. She put a hand under the cover and stretched the bandages that were already half way undone.

"There. I'll be back in twenty minutes. Rest for a while. Call me if you need me, but we'll talk about all these things again." She grabbed the phone from the nightstand. "This has intercom. I'll be in 5. That's the kitchen. Okay?"

"Okay."

After she left, Daniel closed his eyes. Now he was more confused than before. While Sam was tenderly fixing his bandage and the covers, he had had another flashback, but it was not an ugly one. Actually, it could not be a flashback at all, because it had never happened. Sam's hands had never lovingly caressed his chest; she had never laid her head on him. They had never made love.

That was something he usually did not allow himself to imagine. It had to be the drugs.

Sam slowly walked toward the kitchen. Daniel's revelations had stunned her. She did not think often about Hathor anymore. There had been too many other threats after her and she was dead. However, what Daniel had experienced with her was something that would have shattered any woman's life. Rape was one of the most difficult traumas to overcome. She knew the statistics and, unfortunately, she knew real women who had gone through such ordeal. In the male dominated world of the military, rape was not unheard of. But Daniel's case had been purposely ignored because he was a man. She did not think Janet had done it on purpose; she was sure Daniel had misrepresented the facts to avoid dwelling into something that, undoubtedly, embarrassed him. She would have to help him herself. She would find a way.