Memories of the Heart by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. A mission goes horribly wrong while Sam's life is changed forever. Spoilers: All seasons, including 10 to the end.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been made.

Memories of the Heart

Chapter 34

Jack walked toward the hallway.

"How are you doing, buddy?" He asked as soon as he saw Daniel.

"Okay. I'm okay."

Daniel's face did not seem to agree with his words, so Jack guided him to the den and got him to sit down for a while.

"Now," he said, "come clean. Cassie is with Sam in the kitchen. How are you really doing?"

"I'm fine, Jack. I just had to do the deep breathing."

"What deep breathing?"

"You've never broken a rib? I have to cough and take a deep breath at least every hour and then there's some other breathing exercises Keller makes me do twice a day, without the bandage, to avoid getting pneumonia or having some other lung issue."

"And you didn't get painkillers?"

"Yes, I did, but I can't take another dose until an hour from now and it's hurting a little."

Jack looked at the pale face of his friend and repeated, "A little… Yeah, I can see that."

"Jack…," Daniel complained.

Sam and Cassie came into the room at that time and the men stopped talking.

"You know, Daniel," Sam said, "last week we were talking about you and we thought that perhaps you'd like to go back to work. You're still employed at the S.G.C. and, as always, you'll get the lost wages, but if you'd like to…"

"Doing what? After three years, I'm sure there are capable people-"

"Well, you can go back to being part of SG-1, if you want to, as soon as you're healthy, but we thought of something else," Sam said with a smile.

Jack carefully watched Daniel's reactions. They would tell him how he was really doing.

"Sure. What do you need me to do?"

Jack worried immediately. Daniel's voice sounded like the monotonous one he remembered from the day when they had found him on Vis Uban. Daniel was agreeing to please Sam. He did not look enthusiastic as he usually did about his work.

"Look, since I came back from Atlantis," Sam continued, "I've been gathering materials about the Program, beyond what's written in the reports, so that one day someone could write a book with all of that. Cassie has helped me a lot. We have interviews, testimonies, pictures…"

"And you'd like me to write the book?" Daniel asked.

Sam and Cassie smiled widely.

"Landry had already though of you, but we all agree; nobody better than you to do it. Besides, you can start from here, while you're recovering, and go to the base whenever you need. We have less than three months until the Program becomes public, but we're not asking you to finish it by then, if you accept. You can even do sections at a time. It's so much work, I know-"

"Okay," he replied with a small smile. "Sounds interesting; I'll do it."

By then Jack was certain that something was very wrong and he was going to find out what.

For the rest of the afternoon, they all talked about what had happened with their friends and the rest of the world while Daniel was gone and then they had an early dinner.

After the meal was over, Jack helped Daniel go back to his room.

"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"You mean, besides not having any memory of the last three years, mostly because I couldn't deal with it, or besides having so many internal injuries that Keller had to write a list to avoid forgetting explaining something?"

"Oy… If you're going to take it like that…"

"How do you want me to take it?"

"The usual, like nothing happened," Jack tried.

Daniel sighed and sat on the edge of his bed with an expression of pain on his face. "I don't know if I can still do that."

"What happened?" Jack asked.

"I don't remember," Daniel replied with a fake ─patronizing─ smile.

"Come on; something happened today. You're different. What's going on?"

Daniel hesitated; then he gave in. "Before you came, I was reading the Odjods reports about me."

Jack sat on the chair close to the bed with a gesture of impatience. "Why?"

"I need to know. I will remember it any way. I ought to work it out before it feels like it actually happened to me and not just like a horror story in a book."

"What did you read?"

"The beginning only. It's quite detailed, comprehensive," he said with clear sarcasm.

"I know. It's pretty graphic," he agreed. "What are you feeling?"

Daniel lowered his head. "I can't stop thinking about all those people I killed."

Jack sighed; he should have guessed. Guilt. "Do you really expect me to tell you about it not being your fault and the survival instinct and-"

"Jack, I don't need that. I know all that."

"So?"

"I still killed them."

"If you hadn't, you wouldn't be here."

"But someone else would be home."

"You don't know. Maybe they would have killed him in the next battle. Or a trolley would have run him over when he was going back home… or-"

"A trolley, Jack?" Daniel asked, almost amused.

"You get the gist of it," Jack replied with some irritation.

"I get it, Jack. It's just one more thing to think about. I suppose I'll get over it. I've done ugly things before."

Jack looked dubious.

"What about killing a batch of fresh-from-the-oven symbiotes?"

Jack sighed. "If you hadn't done it, I would have. We couldn't leave them there so that they could enslave more people. It was like exterminating egomaniac cockroaches."

"It was almost like genocide. It was sinking to their level… And what about the Goa'uld summit? I almost became a mass murderer there."

"Almost being the operative word here, Daniel. And, you now what? All those examples fit here because we were at war, same as you during those war games."

"That doesn't change-"

"It does. It changes everything."

"It doesn't change how I feel about it. I can see the logic of killing or being killed, but I still feel sorry for all the victims."

"They weren't your victims. You are one of the victims, too. Are you feeling sorry for yourself?"

Daniel shook his head slightly and then sighed. "Maybe."

"Listen, Daniel. The point here is that what's done, is done. You can't change it. Now, you have to concentrate on getting better for Sam."

Daniel was surprised. "For Sam?"

Jack realized what he had said. "I mean, she's counting on you to do that book and," he made a gesture that implied what he meant was obvious, "she'll need a lot of help when those kids are born. After all, you're the daddy."

Daniel looked up. "She told you?"

"Yep. Congratulations by the way."

"Not much I did there, but thank you. It was a big shock when I realized. I've been thinking about all that, too. For a while there, I thought I should ask Sam to marry me, you know, before the twins are born, but-"

"That's a great idea, Daniel. You should go for it," Jack tried, thinking he would not have to help in that area at least.

Daniel looked at him stunned. He expected all kinds of objections. "You think?"

"Sure. You two will be great together; I'm sure it will wok out-"

"I didn't mean it like that."

"What?"

"Just as a nominal thing. She's single, with three kids, almost, and the whole world will be looking at her soon. And I'm the father, so I should, I don't know, support her..."

Jack felt disappointed. He would have to help with that, too, but not yet. In any case, it was a beginning. "I think you should go ahead anyway, but, now, you need to rest. We'll talk about it tomorrow. I'll come around midday and I'll move into the guest room for the week."

He made sure Daniel had everything he would need for the night and he went home, trying to figure out a way to help his friends.

When he finally made it to his bed, he could not sleep. Too many things had happened in very few days.

First, he had found out that Daniel was alive. He had no hope left by then; he was sure his friend was dead. The news had changed Jack very subtly; it had given him back the chance to believe in miracles, or, at least in possibilities.

Second, he had read about all the horrors Daniel had had to endure. Jack had been a war prisoner and he had been tortured many times, but he could not imagine living through the extent of what had been done to Daniel. He was certain that, when he recovered his memories of that time, he would be in need of much help.

Third, Sam had told him about her children. The thought of Daniel being their father had never even crossed his mind. At the beginning, when Teal'c had told him about her pregnancy, he had felt hurt that Sam had chosen to use the sperm of an anonymous donor over the chance of having children with a man she could share her life with, namely him. Then, he had felt relieved that he would not have to go through the experience again. Every time he thought about being a father one more time, the painful memory of the loss of Charlie came rushing to his heart. Later on, after retirement, when he actually had the opportunity to spend time with Danny, all the beautiful memories he had of living with Charlie, for whatever length of time he had been granted, brought him finally the peace he had been missing for so long.

Fourth, and probably what the most had impacted him, he had learned about Daniel and Sam's relationship. It was not much of a relationship, but it was a beginning, and Sam was hoping to go further with it.

There was a very good reason why Daniel had gone to see Sam and not him or Teal'c this time.

Also, many of her attitudes of the last three years looked very different under this new light. It was evident now why Sam had gently avoided giving him any hope when the regulations had finally stopped being an issue between them. It had been a blow, mainly to his ego, but it had not been as tough to get over as he had imagined.

After hours of going over and over the events of the last weeks, he finally fell asleep shortly after he let his mind wander toward his last endeavor. A week after finding out about Daniel, he had called Sara. She was retired, too, but living in Ohio. Nevertheless, they had found that it was easy again to talk to each other. Besides, with the Program becoming public soon, he had had the chance to tell her the truth about it when she had graciously come to visit him. It had been an old friend 'svisit, but he had secretly hoped she would get to be more than his ex-wife. After all, she had never remarried either. He hoped they could get together again and that he could get her to be part of his group of friends. He was certain that they would open their arms to receive her and, finally, his two worlds would become one.