Memories of the Heart by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. A mission goes horribly wrong while Sam's life is changed forever. Spoilers: All seasons, including 10 to the end.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been closed his eyes. He did not want to see. He could remember enough.
Memories of the Heart
Chapter 37
A.N. I apologize for the delay. I had an accident and it made it all harder. I hope to update faster again. Thanks!
The cold metal on his chest confirmed his suspicions. Please, not again… Not again.
He could not breathe. He needed air. He had to get out of there, please.
He gathered all his strength and pulled his upper body away from the stretcher. To his surprise, he was free to do it, but, as soon as he took his next breath, the pain in his chest made him fall back down. He opened his eyes and saw that the room was in complete darkness. He tried to figure out if he had been left alone; he could not see anyone else.
He carefully sat up again, holding his hand to his chest. He realized he was wearing a bandage. He closed his eyes and stretched his other hand. There it was, his nightstand. He reached the small lamp on it and turned it on.
He was in his room, in Sam's house.
His breathing slowly returned to normal. When the pain subsided enough, he got up and walked to his office. He sat at his desk and opened a drawer. He took out a binder with papers, found his bookmark in it, and resumed reading where he had stopped on Sunday.
He needed to know it all. He was not going to allow the memories to catch him unprepared ever again. Otherwise, he would not remain sane.
Around six in the morning, Sam walked into the kitchen and found Teal'c preparing breakfast.
"Teal'c? What are you doing here at this time in the morning?"
"I have been instructed to spoil you," he replied calmly.
Sam smiled and was about to protest, when he stopped her.
"It is an honor to take care of you, Samantha."
Sam smiled again. "I think you three have gone insane."
"CameronMitchell, Paul Davis, and ValaMaldoran have also been assigned to your detail," Teal'c corrected her. "We have all agreed that you did an admirable job during your first pregnancy, but there are different circumstances this time."
"Thank you, Teal'c." She walked to him and hugged him.
Teal'c was surprised. "You seem in need of comfort, too."
She chuckled; "Yeah, probably. Too many things going on… You know," she added.
"I understand. Would it help you of I talked to DanielJackson?"
"No, no… I'm not going to say anything yet. We'll give him a little bit more time. I don't want to pressure him. Maybe his feelings have changed. Who knows?"
"I believe that his feelings for you have remained unaltered."
"Thanks, Teal'c… I hope so."
Sam sat to have breakfast. Cassie came shortly after.
"Are you ready, Cassie?"
"Are you kidding me? I'm so ready. I can't wait for my first mission to start!"
"I'm glad you are. You haven't been off-world in a very long time."
"Yeah… I've been thinking that maybe I'll ask you to let me go home. Look around. Bring back some memories…"
"Do you really want to go?"
"Some days I do. Others, not so much."
"We can talk about it after this mission."
"Okay." She looked around. "Where are Daniel and Jack?"
"They left an hour ago," Teal'c replied.
"Do you know where they were going?"
"Indeed."
"And? You're not going to tell us?"
"I was instructed not to reveal their destination."
Sam smiled and Cassie gave up.
"Jack's going to Washington today. He asked me to bring Daniel back after work. I don't know what they could be doing together," Sam told her.
"Is Jack coming back this evening?"
"No, tomorrow."
Cassie made an expressive gesture and whispered to Sam, "Ohh… You'll be alone tonight…"
"Danny is going to be here," Sam replied.
"But he could go to bed earlier."
Sam shook her head with a smile. Cassie looked at Teal'c, who had probably heard every word, and saw that he was thinking the same she was; they had to find a way to give Sam and Daniel some time on their own.
That night Daniel lay awake in bed one more time. He was not sure if dreaming of Sam was a problem anymore. Another nightmare like the one from the night before would be far worse.
Everything he had read on the report of his captivity had disturbed him, but he had been able to go through it all. He had not finished it during the night, so he had taken the papers to the base and he had spent the whole day reading. All the knowledge was in his head now, but he still had very few actual memories of it. More than anything, he remembered sensations. Certain smells, certain voices, many forms of pain.
While he was reading, he had felt sick in more than one occasion. After rushing twice to the bathroom to vomit ─the pain in his chest had just added more stress─ he had abandoned the idea of keeping any food down. He had just spent the day with a bottle of water by his side and the papers in his hands.
Before leaving for Washington, Jack had spent an hour discussing the documents with him. Daniel was certain that Jack had been mostly gauging his state of mind, but it had been very helpful to be able to express out loud some of his feelings about what he had read.
Now lying in his bed, he had to admit that it had not really sunk in yet. It had felt like he was reading a fiction book, not the story of his last three years of life. He was concerned about what would happen when he became the main character in his own mind.
Around two in the morning, he finally fell asleep, overcome by exhaustion. An hour later he woke up feeling awfully cold. His first thought was that he was in the middle of a nightmare, but he stretched his hand toward the nightstand just in case. Surprisingly, the nightstand was there and so was the lamp. He turned the light on, but he could not find anything out of place. He heard some noises in the hallway and slowly walked toward the door of his room. He was about to open it, when someone knocked.
"Hey, Daniel, are you awake?"
He opened the door and startled Sam on the other side.
"Sorry; I was about to go see what was going on."
"It's okay. I just came to tell you that the central heating has stopped working. I went down and checked, but I couldn't restart it. We'll have to call someone in the morning. We changed the air conditioning system last year, but the heating wasn't as old. I'm sorry."
"Don't worry. It'll be okay."
"Do you want some extra blankets? I'm taking Danny to my bed, to try to keep him warm. I just checked and it's 33° outside and it seems that it's going down; it will get worse in here."
"You said that Jack brought most of my linens from the basement when I moved in. Where did he put them?"
Sam thought for a second. "I think they're in the other room's closet."
"I used to have an electric blanket. You can have it if it's there and it works."
Daniel went into his studio and came back with the blanket. Sam took it and thanked him. She was about to go back to her room when she stopped and asked him, "Why don't you come with us? There's plenty of space for the three of us."
Daniel hesitated for a second and then nodded. He picked up a sweater and walked with her.
Once in the main bedroom, Sam put Danny in the middle of the bed, between them. Daniel was surprised by the fact that Danny did not even blink; he kept sleeping as if nothing had happened.
He was not as lucky as his son. Lying there, so close to Sam, brought back all his feelings for her. He had tried so hard not to think of her all night… Now she was right there with him; he could hear her breathing softly, moving under the covers, trying to keep Danny warm.
In the morning, right after going through hundreds of pages of horrible reports, he had felt the need to start over, to begin a new phase in his life. He had asked Jack to go with him and he had bought wedding rings to propose to Sam. However, after a whole day of reading, he was not sure anymore that he would ever be fit for anything again. What would happen if all those memories came back and he was not able to deal with them? His image in the recording made by the Furlings still haunted him. He was one step from falling into madness.
Yet, her close presence gave him new hope. If he could gather enough courage to ask her how she felt about him, maybe they could work something out. They had been friends for so many years; they knew each other so well; maybe there was a chance that she would be willing to give the idea of the family a try…
Sam was not sleeping either. She knew he was awake and she worried about why. She did not think it was the cold. They were pretty comfortable at that point. Maybe it was what he had read ─Jack had called to warn her─ or the few memories that had started coming back. Perhaps it was because of her.
Was he still in love with her? He certainly loved Danny; she could see it in every one of his gesture's when he was close to his child. He also seemed to already love the children she was expecting. But, what about her? He had not shown any signs of his feelings for her. On the other hand, he had hidden those for the longest time. It would be easier if she could tell him how she felt, if she could make him understand that everything he would ever need was right there on that bed, in that room… She just needed to be sure that it still was everything he wanted.