Memories of the Heart by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. A mission goes horribly wrong while Sam's life is changed forever. Spoilers: All seasons, including 10 to the end.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been closed his eyes. He did not want to see. He could remember enough.
Memories of the Heart
Chapter 39
Sam would not have slept even if she had been comfortably lying on bed. She had kept calm while talking to Daniel, but, as soon as she turned the lights off, she started falling apart; completely overwhelmed. She had such deep feelings for him, but she was not allowed to say a word. She had to fix that. What would happen if she did not bring up their past and just confessed her feelings for him as something new? It would be a lie, in a way, but she found it pretty justifiable. Daniel had to understand that, not matter what he was going through, she was willing to stay with him all the way.
She suddenly thought of something she had not considered before. If this had happened to her and someone else, what would have Daniel advised her to do? He probably would have said that she had cried enough, that she needed to dry her eyes and make a resolution. Either she was going to fight for what she wanted or she was going to move ahead without him.
That was exactly what Jack had been saying all along and also what her father would have said. She knew what she had to do; she was going to fight for him.
For a moment she felt like she was inside a soap opera, living a weird life that was not hers. It used to be so simple; go to work, fight the enemy, learn about some new technology, and come back home to regain strength. Now she was in a place she had never imagined, a mother of three children and a woman desperately in love with a man who could not know it. That last part had to change.
Thursday was a busy day. Daniel stayed home and waited for the repairmen to come fix the central heating. They had to replace the main components of the system with new ones and it almost took all day.
As he sat in the kitchen waiting for the work to be done, Daniel felt that everything was getting worse. His nightmares were terrifying and, though he knew what they meant, it scared him that all that would make him lose his mind. He felt he was in a dark place, like an endless night, like the nights of the first months in that monstrous planet. He did not remember the nights that followed those yet, but he was certain it would happen soon. Reading the documents had brought hundreds of memories back. The fact that he was back home, protected and safe, had helped him face them more than anything. Then, there was Danny; he was the main reason to fight his depression. He did not want his son to grow up fatherless, like he had. Now that he was back, he had to try to stay.
Then there was Sam. He had to make a decision soon about her. If he was going to ask her to marry him, he had to make sure what the terms or conditions would be. He did not want her to have to go through something that would make her unhappy.
In a word, he would have to fight his own demons on his own and, if he came out victorious, he would have a chance at becoming part of their lives.
That night, Sam felt very lonely in her bed. She changed sides several times and then decided it was useless. It was not the same if she could not hold Daniel or even take care of little Danny. There was no one else she wanted. Without them, she felt lost. She had to start planning what to do fast, because if Daniel left, it would be much harder to accomplish anything.
On Friday morning, Sam and Daniel went to the Infirmary very early to get the amniocentesis done. In order to avoid hurting the baby, Sam needed to get an ultrasound done during the procedure. Though Daniel was holding her hand all the time, Sam realized that his eyes were glued to the small screen.
"What do you think? There are two in there; isn't that amazing?"
He turned to look at her. "It's beautiful."
Jennifer smiled. "As soon as I'm done with this, I let you look around more. We can show you some things now. You'll see more as they keep growing."
Daniel nodded and went back to look at the screen.
Sam smiled at Jennifer. That was good, very good.
After they were done, Jennifer explained that she would have some of the results ready on Monday, but others would take longer. Sam remembered from the last time and could not avoid starting to worry about it. Daniel was very supportive and that helped her deal with it at least for the remainder of the day.
When Jack arrived from Washington that afternoon, he went straight to talk to Sam. He asked how she had been doing with Daniel, after two nights on their own in the house, and Sam told him that Daniel was thinking about leaving them.
Jack got upset. He got up from his chair and started walking around her office. "Listen to me, Sam. If you don't talk to him, I will. This is becoming stupid. I don't care what the Furlings or the doctors have to say. I don't think it could be bad to remember something good after all the bad things he's already remembering."
"I think you're right."
"No, you have to-" he paused and looked at her. "You think I'm right?"
"Yes."
"Okay… So, are you going to tell him or do you want me to do it?"
"I'll try. If it doesn't work, I'll ask for your help."
"What can I do?"
"I don't know. I have the weekend to do it. I promised myself to have it solved by Monday. I just need to be sure of what he feels. I don't want to put a heavier load on him than he already has."
Jack went back to his chair and thought for a while. "If I tell you something, to help you, would you keep the secret? I don't want him to feel I betrayed him."
Sam nodded.
"He bought the rings."
"What rings?"
"To ask you to marry him."
Sam was stunned. "Seriously? Did he tell you anything about what he feels? He's probably thinking that it's the right thing to do, now that I have his children."
"He does, but there's more. He didn't down right tell me that he was in love with you, but I figured out why he hasn't asked you yet."
"Because he's afraid of going mad."
"No. Because he thinks the desire to marry is a selfish one, that he'll be the one most benefited by it. He thinks that if you accept it won't be because you love him."
"Why then?"
"I think he has many answers to that, none including anything beyond great friendship."
Sam was not surprised. That sounded like Daniel. "Okay. So, I have to tell him now."
"Yeah." He was about to stand up and leave, when he thought of something. "Hey, Sara is coming to visit for the weekend. I promised her I would introduce her to all of you, especially Danny. Maybe we can all have dinner together tonight and then we can take Danny with us for the rest of the weekend."
"Jack, I'm sure she doesn't want to have to share you with Danny. You told me that you were thinking about getting back together, so I think what you need is to be on your own."
"Sara and I are always on our own. We have to try being with other people, mingling with friends, you know…"
Sam smiled.
"Cassie can come with us. She's going to be back this evening. I'm planning to spend some time looking for a bigger house in town. What I have is only good for myself. I heard my old house is for sale, the one I bought after we divorced."
"You're serious about it," Sam said.
"Yeah… Besides, Minnesota is very lonely without Teal'c," he joked.
Sam smiled again. "I appreciate the offer. It would help if I could just concentrate on Daniel for a while, but I've never been away from Danny for so long and I still think that Sara and you need your space, too."
Jack thought for a while. "What about if I take them all to a big hotel, Teal'c included? It's only for a couple of days. You'll survive without Danny."
Sam hesitated for a while, but then relented.
That night, the dinner went well and Sara got to be formally introduced to those she had met long ago ─during that painful episode with the blue crystals─ and to meet all the new people in Jack's life. She was delighted with Danny and intrigued by Teal'c. She had a hard time liking Rodney, but Jennifer was an interesting young woman. Cameron and Vala made her think of a long-married couple and she foresaw something else coming out of their relationship. Paul was simply a gentleman and Sara caught Cassie looking at him with strange fascination.
What most intrigued her were Sam and Daniel. She had a special interest in meeting Sam. She had heard enough about her from Jack to understand that he had some deep feelings for her. On the other hand, she was certain he had very deep feelings for Daniel, too. Even for Teal'c. She did not want to imagine what the four of them had been through together to get such a strong connection among them, but she was starting to appreciate it the more she heard about the Program.
She concluded that Daniel and Sam were in love, but there was something between them keeping them apart. She understood why Jack wanted to leave them on their own. Maybe they could work out their problems. Though she was not sure about taking care of Danny during the weekend, Cassie would be there to help and it would make Jack happy. She really wanted him to be happy. Sometimes he even resembled the one she had married so long ago.
Later that night, after everyone had left ─including Danny─ and everything had been cleaned up, Daniel walked into the kitchen and found Sam sitting at the table and biting an apple. She looked sad. She was probably missing Danny.
"Hey, what are you doing?" He asked as he approached her.
She looked at him as if she had not noticed him before. "Ah… Hi. I was hungry. I'm always hungry lately. You know…"
"Yep." He sat facing her. "What were you thinking about?"
She made a funny gesture, unsure about revealing her thoughts. Then she sighed and, shrugging her shoulders, she answered, "Sex."
Daniel took a few seconds. "The sex of the babies?' he tried.
Sam smiled. "I'm sorry. It must be the hormones. No, not that. Sex. You know, between a man and a woman…"
"Oh… Okay. That's fine."
"I've been thinking a lot about it lately. Surely the hormones," she said and bit her apple one more time.
Daniel felt a bit uncomfortable. "You need to find someone to share your life, Sam, seriously. I mean, I think it's great that you decided it was time to have children, but it's always good to have someone else, especially at this point in your life."
Sam smiled. Great. He was diffusing the situation; passing the ball onto someone else's court. She could not just come up and kiss him or tell him, "Hey, you already said you loved me." She had never been good at diplomacy. That was his field of expertise.
"You're right. Sure."
He looked down. "Not helping, eh?"
"Hey, it's not your fault. I shouldn't have brought it up."
"No, it's alright. We've always told each other everything."
"This is different. It's not like you can help."
"No…"
She nodded. It was frustrating. She was not going anywhere with him. It was the first time they were alone in the house and they did not know what to do with each other. Well, she knew what she wanted to do and he did not remember that it was okay to do what he wanted. She would have to think of a more appealing way of telling him about them. Tomorrow, when she was not so tired.
She got up. "I should go to bed. Good night, Daniel"
"Good night, Sam." He stood by the table and watched her go.
She was almost by her bedroom door when he caught up with her. "Sam," he called her.
"What?" She turned and looked at him.
He sighed and looked down as whenever he felt defeated. "You were asking me, right?"
Well, yeah. You are dense sometimes. "Don't worry, Daniel. It wasn't right."
"No, no. Think about it. I am the father of your children and, thought I didn't do much in that area, it kind of looks like I would be the right-" He was talking fast, but he stopped himself. "No; you're right."
"Daniel," Sam tried.
"No. It's just that it's not fair."
"What's not fair?"
He hesitated. "I want to… help you. It's not that I'll be selflessly-"
"Daniel," she said again.
He stopped and looked at her.
"Listen to me, Daniel. I was just thinking that it's weird that we're going to have the twins and we haven't- I mean… We're not- Maybe sex was too blunt to put it into words, but we do love each other, we're still best friends, we have one son together and two on the way… I'm not asking for anything else here; we're not getting married this week. I just think it could work between us, if we give ourselves permission."
"Maybe we should get married this week." He put his hand in his pocket.
"No," she said and stopped his hand from coming out of the pocket. "This is about something different. Before we get there, I want to be sure about other things."
He was surprised. Did she know he had the rings in his pocket? "What?"
She sighed. "This seemed a lot easier the last time." She approached him, held his face between her hands and kissed him.
Daniel was shocked, but thought it would be better to go along.
"There," she said as she let him go.
"The last time?" he asked.
"After I got pregnant with Danny I used to think of that night we had together and imagine we conceived him right then. I'd really like to have at least one night for the twins."
"That night?"
"I understand that you don't remember it. I just can't deal with it tonight. We can talk about it tomorrow." She opened the door of her room.
"Sam! Just tell me. We've been together before?"
She sighed impatiently. "Yes and you said you loved me. Do you still love me, Daniel?"