Memories of the Heart by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. A mission goes horribly wrong while Sam's life is changed forever. Spoilers: All seasons, including 10 to the end.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been closed his eyes. He did not want to see. He could remember enough.
Memories of the Heart
Chapter 40
He looked stunned. He was about to say something when she put a finger on his lips.
"Don't. Don't say anything. This is all wrong. I shouldn't have said it like that. It's something too important for me to treat it so lightly."
He carefully grabbed her hand. "We still need to talk about it. Are you sure you're too tired? We can sit down and-"
"Okay." She pushed the door and got into her room. He followed her. She sat on the bed, with her back against the headboard like she had done it two nights before.
Daniel sat on the edge and put his crutches on the floor. As Sam was not saying anything, he decided to start. "So… I told you I was in love with you."
Sam nodded quietly.
"Okay… Did I say for how long or anything else?"
She shook her head.
He tried to see if there was any memory of that in his head, but nothing came. He noticed she was looking down. "You seem very uncomfortable, Sam. Do you want me to go and we talk tomorrow?"
She shook her head again. Then, she sighed. "I'm sorry. I feel very vulnerable talking about these things. I'm not good at this. I might even be worse than Jack," she tried to joke, but her eyes filled with tears.
"You're doing fine, Sam," he said as he approached her and sat by her side to be able to pass his arm around her back. "You're also pregnant and that makes you more emotional. Besides, this isn't your fault. I'm the one who doesn't remember."
She did not reply, but a little sob escaped from her mouth.
Daniel pulled her closer to him and she rested her head on his shoulder. "Okay. Let's see how I say this."
Sam shivered. She did not like how that sounded.
"Hey, are you cold? Do you want to get in bed?"
"No. Just get it over with. What do you want to say?"
Daniel realized he was not fair. "Listen, Sam. Ever since I came back from ascension, I've known you were something more than a teammate for me. I didn't want to upset you or ruin our friendship, so I didn't tell you. I learned to live with the idea of not having you as long as you were happy… I don't know what happened that I told you."
"Since ascension? You mean after Anubis?"
"No. I mean after Kelowna."
"That was so long ago… 2003? You've known since then?"
"Do you remember that day in the Vis Uban tent, when you were trying to convince me to come home? I hadn't remembered one thing until then and, suddenly, there was a little memory of you. You were leaning over me; I couldn't see you very clearly… there was something hurting my eyes, but you were telling me how I had affected you, that I had changed you, and I remembered feeling that you had changed me, too. Then, when we went back to the base, Jack had put a picture of Sha're in my room and I couldn't remember her. When I finally did, I knew that I had loved her very much, but the feelings were gone… I've never been able to remember it beyond the intellectual knowledge of what she meant. It's the same with Sarah; I know how much I cared for her in the past, but I can only remember the feelings from after, when she was taken by Osiris."
"I'm sorry."
"Sometimes I think it's, somehow, the way my mind has had to protect me from feelings that would only bring me pain. I don't know. In any case, with you it was different; every time I looked at you, every time you were close, the feelings were there, clear as day."
"Why didn't you say anything about it, ever?"
"I told you. I didn't want to risk losing your friendship. I can live without having you, but not without you in my life."
She got closer and hugged him. That was good news, right? He still loved her.
"I love you, Sam, if that's what you wanted to know. I've loved you for many years and I used those feelings as the main reason to keep fighting against my fate with the Odjods, at least for what I can remember of the first months. If you told me about Danny, it must have been another powerful motive to fight. But I would have never said anything to you out of nowhere; I know there must have been a very good reason for me to tell you that I loved you at all."
She sighed. "You wanted me to know that you meant it when you asked me to figure out if I thought we could have a relationship."
Daniel was amazed that he had dared going so far. "Did you take me seriously?"
She nodded.
They were still embraced and Daniel started softly stroking her back. "What did you think?"
She chuckled. "I thought that having your children would give you a clue."
Daniel took a deep breath. "So, you think it's possible. I do, too. I even bought wedding rings to ask you to marry me, without knowing any of this… but you knew that, didn't you?"
She chuckled again. "Jack told me. He's tired of us playing catch-up."
"He knows about us, too? Who else?"
"Teal'c, from the very beginning, because you told him, Jennifer, and now Cassie and everybody else at the dinner tonight."
"But I'm still missing something, aren't I? You said we'd been together. You meant-"
"I meant we made love, all night long, the day before you left for Astrada."
Daniel was dumbfounded. He could not understand not remembering something like that. Then, he started realizing that probably every sensation that Sam provoked when changing his bandages and every dream he had had about her had a bit of memory in them. "I think I remembered something. I just thought it was my imagination."
"Whenever I touched you, right?"
"You noticed?"
"More I guessed… It gave me hope."
"So, how did we end up together? I just came up and told you I was crazy about you?"
Sam smiled. That sounded nice, very nice. "No, I just hugged you… with benefits."
"What?"
"I meant to hug you good-bye and then I gave you a little kiss in your neck and then-"
"And I didn't stop you?"
"Yeah, but you were easy to convince. Didn't take much."
"I can imagine."
"Are you going to play difficult tonight?"
"Hm… What?"
Sam moved away from him to look at his face and smiled, "I know my silhouette has changed lately and I'm not the same as three years ago, but you, on the other hand, you look really hot."
He knew she was joking. "What about the cast and the bandages on my ribs? Do they look hot, too?"
"You think I'm kidding."
"I'm sure you are."
"Why do you think I kissed you the first time? Because it was my doing, you have to understand that. You wouldn't have said anything without me pushing you into bed."
"Maybe you felt sorry because I had to go to that place."
"I'd never make love for pity, Daniel, with you or anyone else."
"Then, why? What changed? I may look different now, but by then I was the same guy you saw every day."
"It had nothing to do with looks. I was hugging you and I suddenly realized how important you were for me, how close we used to be, and how apart we had drifted in a few years, and it just dawned on me that it was something more than friendship what I felt for you. I can't explain why it suddenly became sexual; I was so aware of every centimeter of you against me and I wanted to show you how much I cared…"
"How could I say no to that?" he asked and lifted his hand to tenderly caress her face.
"But you've always been hot," she added with a mischievous expression. "I can't argue that… if I ever forgot, someone in the locker rooms would remind me."
Daniel smiled shyly.
"So, what do you say? Want to stay here for the night?"
Sam was sure he had blushed.
"I don't want to push you, Daniel. I really mean stay here, nothing else. For starters, you haven't done your breathing exercises. After that, I can help you cover your cast and you can have your shower, and then we go to sleep. We can talk more tomorrow."
"So, maybe you'll take my rings?"
"Are you serious?"
"I thought you were serious all this time."
"I was."
"Then," he put his hand in his pocket and took the little box out, "here they are. You can open it whenever you're ready. You know, I could put it in many different words, but the main idea is that I'd really like for you to be my wife and for the five of us to become a family, with tighter bonds than we already have."
"I'm ready for that right now," she said and opened the box.
Daniel took the engagement ring, put it in her finger, and then kissed her hand. "The others are for the day we choose to make it formal. You can decide on that. My calendar is pretty free," he smiled.
"Soon. We'll plan it during the weekend, okay?"
"Okay." He felt like kissing her, but it still felt inappropriate. He would have to learn that it was alright.
Sam noticed his hesitation and got out of bed. "Hey, move to the edge. I'll undo your bandages now."
Daniel slid carefully and sat facing her. Sam helped him with the sweater first; he still had trouble raising his arms above his head. Then, he unbuttoned his shirt and she helped him take it off. Next, Sam carefully removed the bandages and Daniel performed the deep breathing exercises. She noticed that it was still rather painful.
She put a small blanket by his side and said, "I'll go get the shield for the cast from your room. When you're done, cover yourself with this until I'm back."
A few minutes later she was back. She helped him with the trousers and she covered the cast. "There. You're ready. I'll go open the water in the shower, so that it's warm when you go in."
When she walked out of the bathroom, he went in.
She looked inside her dresser and found a long nightgown, nothing too revealing and wide enough to hide her little belly. She was about to get in bed, when she heard Daniel call her from the bathroom.
She walked to the door and called him. "Do you need help?"
"Yes."
She got into the bathroom and approached the glass panel of the shower. "What do you need?"
He slid the door a bit and stretched his hand toward her. "Come in."