Memories of the Heart by Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. A mission goes horribly wrong while Sam's life is changed forever. Spoilers: All seasons, including 10 to the end.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been closed his eyes. He did not want to see. He could remember enough.

Memories of the Heart

Chapter 41

A.N. I just realized that, when I pasted Chapter 39, I missed a small section about the babies. I just put it back; it's pretty short, but I thought I should have it there.

The elevator doors were about to close in front of Cassie, when she heard a voice asking her to stop it for a moment. She recognized the voice and pressed the button to open the doors.

"Uncle Jack! Where are you going?"

"Where are you going?"

"Well, Teal'c is in his room, watching weird movies, and you two have Danny, so I was getting bored. All this happened so fast that I didn't think of picking up a book or something before we left the house."

Jack made a gesture that could have been interpreted as half of an apology. "You get what we're trying to do here, right?"

"Oh, don't worry. I'm not complaining. I just thought I should go to the gift shop in the lobby and get something to read."

The doors of the elevator opened and both stepped out into the lobby.

"I bet the shop is closed at this time. I'm going out to get some more milk. I told Sam we didn't need so much as she was trying to give us, but Danny has already drunk it all. He'll be asking for more soon. So, if you want to tag along…"

"You couldn't get some milk here?"

"The kitchen is closed for the night. They only had chocolate milk in little bottles left."

"Okay, let's go."

They walked to the parking lot and got into Jack's truck.

"You should have let me take care of Danny. I do it every time Sam has a crisis at the S.G.C. and you know that's often."

"I thought about it, but then Sara seemed so happy that I just didn't want to take him away from her. I think she's really enjoying it."

"Okay, but if you need any help, you know where to find me."

He nodded. "So, I take it for what you said during dinner that you enjoyed your first mission."

"Oh, wow! I loved it. I know now how Sam must feel every time she goes out. It was awesome."

"Good."

Cassie was quiet for a while and then she said, "Hey, about Daniel and Sam-"

"They need some time on their own."

"I know, I know. I was just thinking that maybe we should send them to the castle. I mean, I've lived in this city for so many years, until I went to college and after I came back, and I had never set a foot in it. It's an awesome place and I read in the booklet in the room that they have an amazing honeymoon suite."

Jack thought for a few seconds. "I was thinking that with Daniel not remembering about-" he turned to look at her. "You know about all this, right?"

"Yes, Sam told me about their night and his declaration of love. That's what you mean?"

"Yeah. So, if he doesn't remember that, he wouldn't understand me sending them to the honeymoon suite."

"You're right. I think this was a great idea to leave them alone. Besides, I love the place. There are so many things to do… I just hope they get to talk while we're here."

"I hope so, too."

Cassie sighed.

"What?"

"I was thinking, the other day, that if I were Daniel, I'm not so sure that I'd come out unscathed by this last thing. It's just one too many and this one was bad, bad, bad,"

"I know, but he's strong."

"That's what Teal'c said when we talked about it, but I was just making a list in my mind… He was right there when his parents died… Then his career went to hell, even though he was right… His grandfather chose his career, or his dreams, whatever, over him, twice."

"He hadn't been there for him that much."

"Come on, Uncle Jack, that must have hurt. He was his only living relative. And then, Teal'c killed Sha're right in front of him."

"Amounet was trying to kill him."

"But still, he saw Sha're dying."

Jack reluctantly agreed.

"He was also right there when Mom died ─he never talks about it─ and he got to see Vala burned to death."

"We've all been through bad shit."

"I know, I know. All my people died and they put a bomb in my chest… and you lost Charlie… and Sara, and so many other things I've read in the reports..."

Jack agreed.

"It's just the accumulation of things for Daniel; it's like he got a sampling of everything that we've been through. Think about it; the secrecy of all his accomplishments, rape, sarcophagus and light addiction, attempted suicide, radiation poisoning, getting dumped into an old man's dying body, being possessed by twelve different people, getting locked up in a mental hospital, delivering his wife's child by a Goa'uld, becoming an Ori prior, being possessed by Merlin, ascending, descending ─twice─ and so many deaths… Have you thought that when he was in the Replicator ship, the last thing he saw as he was being stabbed to death was Sam's eyes? I mean, that's only a little part of the list and, then, you add these last three years…"

Jack stopped in front of a store, parked the car, and turned to look at Cassie. "I know all that, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can only do something about what he's going through right now and I'll need a lot of help. I think only Sam and the kids can pull him out of the hole, but we have to pull with her. Just think that all that crap you mentioned will be public in a couple of months. We have to get him well before that. Then, everybody will be looking at him and he needs to be standing straight."

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………...

"Give me a moment," Sam asked.

His hand disappeared into the shower.

She wished the glass was clear so that she could see in his face if he was doing okay. She pulled her nightgown off over her head and then finished undressing. She carefully slid the door enough to get in and saw Daniel facing the water coming from the shower with his eyes closed. He was pushing his short hair back with both hands, but she was sure he had heard her getting in. She stood right in front of him. He opened his eyes, took a deep breath, and pulled her into an embrace.

"This," he said. "I remember this."

Sam laid her head on his shoulder and tightened the embrace.

"Your body against mine and the water falling on us… Is it really a memory?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah. It's the last thing we got to do before you went to get ready for the mission. We took a shower together."

He took another deep breath.

"Am I hurting you?" she tried to let him go, but he stopped her.

"No, you're fine. Don't go."

"Okay." She could still see his distress, but she did not know what to do.

"I will remember, Sam… all the rest. I promise."

"Stop worrying. You don't need to remember anything. If the feelings are still there, we can get it all back."

He nodded.

They stood embraced under the shower for a couple of minutes, without saying a word.

Then, Daniel whispered, "I'm terrified, Sam. I don't want to disappoint you; I don't want to hurt Danny either. I'm so afraid that I can lose you… It's just that there are so many horrible thoughts in my head."

She had a very good idea of what thoughts were in his head, but she had no clue about how to deal with them. "You need to talk to the psychiatrist at the base. I don't know how to help you, Daniel. You've always dealt with everything on your own, but I understand that this is bigger. We can only be here for you. We can talk about it. We can stand by your side for whatever you need. You just need to tell us."

He sighed. "Okay. Thanks." He softly stroked her back. "I also feel bad about this, Sam. I feel so useless. It's already hard enough to hold all my weight on one leg… I don't think I can do much more."

"Oh… No, you don't have to do anything, Daniel. We're fine. What we really need to do is get out of here and go to bed. I need to re-bandage you and you need to rest." She walked backwards and looked at his eyes. "I'll go get everything ready. There's a robe hanging right outside the shower. Come out as soon as you want." She squeezed his hand, got out, and slid the door behind her.

Daniel closed his eyes again and let the water fall over his body. After a few seconds, he turned off the hot water and gave himself a brief cold shower.

When he got back to the bedroom, Sam was back in her nightgown. He sat on the edge of the bed and got out of the top part of the robe. Sam got a towel and carefully helped him get dry. Then, she bandaged his torso. After finishing that, he took off the cast shield from his leg.

"There, you're done. Get in bed. I don't want you to get a cold."

Daniel hesitated for a second. "The robe is too wet. I'll go to my room to get some clothes."

"I can do that. What do you want? Where are your pajamas?"

"In the dresser, but maybe a T-shirt would be better. It feels hot tonight."

"Oh…" She smiled, "I raised the temperature. It's so cold outside, and I still don't know this new system very well. Do you want to get in bed like that? It won't bother me."

Daniel was not sure. He was used to sleeping without clothes, especially when the house was warm enough, but he did not want to get into trouble. He finally decided that he had to trust Sam. If he was going to get her to marry him, he had to start somewhere.

"Okay, it's fine. Get in bed, too."

"Let me hang the robe in the bathroom. We don't want that wet on the bed."

Daniel maneuvered to get under the covers and gave Sam the robe. While she was gone, he lay down on his back and pulled the covers up to his neck. He closed his eyes and tried to rest, but he could not stop thinking about what he should be doing to make Sam happy.