Memories of the Heartby Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. A mission goes horribly wrong while Sam's life is changed forever. Spoilers: All seasons, including 10 to the end.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been closed his eyes. He did not want to see. He could remember enough.
Memories of the Heart
Chapter 44
A.N. Thank you to those who were so kind. I appreciate the nice words and the critics, too... but I feel very, very, very disappointed with the response to the story in general, especially this section. More than two hundred people read it in one day and nobody else felt it was worth the encouragement? I think I got the wrong idea. I should go back to teaching or stay with my day job. At least, as a lawyer, the results can be seen at some point.
Sam was shaken by the intensity of the feelings caused by Daniel's kiss. She could only compare it to the exhilaration she had felt the first time she had kissed him, three years before. Their hug in the shower, in spite of the close contact of their naked bodies, had been more about comfort than about passion. This was different. This was having an effect on all the right places.
When he finally let her go, Daniel kept her close to him. He held her head with both his hands and he put his forehead against hers. He had his eyes closed and he was breathing fast.
Sam smiled as she realized it had affected him, too.
He opened his eyes and looked at her. "That was… powerful."
Sam smiled wider. "I know."
He sighed and lowered his hands. Then he walked back and looked at her. "I can't."
"What?"
"I can't do this."
"Why?" Sam asked, more upset than understanding.
"I don't know how to explain it. It's in my head. Every time I'm close to you I feel that you're forbidden, that it's wrong to think any of these things about you."
"Why? I've been telling you it's okay."
"It's from before, Sam. It has to do with our past, that for me it's still pretty much the present. I don't remember that night; maybe bits and pieces, but it's hard to make it into more than that. In my head, you're still Jack's. I can't choose what I want; my heart won't let me."
"I've never been Jack's," she said almost indignant.
"That's fine, but that's not the perception we all had."
"All who?"
"Everybody. All these years, we've been waiting for Jack to retire and finally be with you."
"That was never the plan."
"Never?"
She sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. "Okay. I liked him… a lot. I thought, now and then, that we could be together. It just never happened. There was something there that wasn't working. Over the years I've realized that Jack and I are very different, in many ways, and, though there's a part of him that's very attractive to me, it's not enough to build a life together. And then, you know what happened."
"You mean the night?"
"Yes, I mean that night. I didn't see you that way either. You were my best friend, my twin. We got along marvelously, but that was it. I always thought that I'd grow old by your side if we didn't manage to find someone else. We'd just end up living in the same house to save money or to avoid complete loneliness. You've got to agree that you and I, we're different than other people. The things we've lived, the things we've done… We're not going to fit easily in the life of a normal person."
"But Jack or Cameron… they're just like us."
"And Vala, too, but you're not in love with her, are you?"
He shook his head.
"So, it's us, just us. Stop clinging onto something that's not there."
"What made you change your mind? About the brother and sister thing…"
"I think I told you. I was hugging you that night and you affected me somehow. I could smell the shampoo in your hair, the aftershave… I don't know. I was so afraid of losing you again. I just touched the hair in the nape of your neck and it was like an electric shock; I wanted to kiss it so badly and, when you reacted…" She lowered her head, overwhelmed by the memory. "It was like an unstoppable force was pushing me. I wanted more, a real kiss, more skin… I can't explain it, Daniel. It was so sudden, unexpected."
He lowered his head and sat by her side. "I'm sorry I can't remember it."
"We've been through this. It's not your fault and you'll remember it, okay?"
"Okay."
"Let's go to bed now. It's late."
He nodded and obeyed her.
Sam got in bed, but did not fall asleep easily. She had gotten the clue she needed to fix the problem. Daniel could not let go of his notions about her. For him she was still unavailable, so, the solution was easy. If he was not going to do anything, she was. Just like the first time, she was going to prove to him that she was for him and, considering that he was not listening to her words, she was going to use a more empirical way of showing it. She just needed the right opportunity and it had to be quick, before everybody was back in the house.
She had missed Danny so badly that she had had to make a significant effort not to just sit down and cry, but it had been beneficial in many other ways. It was about time the little boy spent some time away from her or he would be in big trouble when the time came for preschool to start.
It had also given Jack an excuse to spend some time with Sara without the pressure of the two being alone in a small house. Sharing time in a group would be much easier until they were really clear about what they wanted.
It had also allowed her to get closer to Daniel. They had made great progress in a day. Now, she was going to push further.
Daniel did not go to sleep immediately either. He was still shocked by how much it had affected him to kiss Sam. He had known he loved her for the longest time, but he had not imagined it would be that powerful. Yes, powerful, that was the right word. He had been correct when he had said it. It had to have been amazing that night between them. The problem was that this time he had also felt a sickening feeling in his stomach telling him he was doing something wrong. He would have to work hard to get rid of all the impediments his mind was telling him there were there. It was going to take time, but he would get over it.
A couple of hours later, Sam was not surprised when she was awakened by Daniel thrashing about in bed. She turned the light on and woke him up.
"Another nightmare, eh?"
She nodded.
"I'm not so sure this is a good arrangement for you. Maybe I should go back to my room and let you sleep one whole night without interruptions."
"It doesn't bother me at all. I'm happy I can help. Just go back to sleep… unless you need some water, or a cup of tea?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Okay." She turned off the light and lay down by his side.
Daniel was certain she was not sleeping and felt guilty about it, but the memories of the nightmare were a more pressing matter in his mind. Though he had read about it all, the first-hand memories still overwhelmed him. He would definitely have to talk about it with someone. He did not like the idea of seeing a psychiatrist ─he would never forget his stay at the mental institution─ but there did not seem to be any other solution. What worried him the most were the feelings he now had about his experience. He was following his own stages of grief, because he had skipped the denial ─reading the details his captors had written had been proof enough─ and he was experiencing an equal-part mixture of anger and depression. There was no point on bargaining.
Sam knew he was still thinking of what had happened in his dreams. She thought she could take the opportunity to show him how right they were for each other, but the logistics were all wrong. She could not just jump on top of him and kiss him, even if it sounded tempting, and he definitely would not be in the mood.
"Do you want to talk about it? What was the nightmare about?"
Daniel sighed. He did not want to burden her, but she knew most of it already. "I just remembered a particularly bad week."
"Why?"
He took a few seconds. "I was injured during battle… in the abdomen. It was pretty bad and I was sure they'd let me die or execute me. There wasn't much time allowed for healing."
"But they spared you."
"It looks like they were interested in my healing ability. They let me help myself as much as I could and, then, they finished the job. It was their new experiment on me."
"I'm sorry… but look at the bright side; you don't have any physical scars to remind you, at least."
He turned on the light on his side and lifted his pajama top to look at his abdomen. "It's weird."
Sam turned to look, too. A memory came to her that made her shiver.
"What?"
She got closer to him and softly touched his abdomen with the tips of her fingers. "It wasn't your first injury around here."
"Seriously? I don't remember reading anything about another one."
"I do," she said with sadness.
He realized she was talking about something serious and that the memory was hurting her. He made a quick review of his past injuries and a blade through his chest stood up immediately. "Sam, you're not blaming yourself for what she did, are you?"
"It was my fault. I let her escape. She took you, she tortured you, and she killed you."
"Listen, put it this way: if she hadn't done it, I probably wouldn't have remembered any of my Ancient knowledge and I wouldn't have survived these last three years. In a way, I have to thank her and, consequently, you."
"Consequently?" she asked with a small smile.
"Sure," he replied with a broader smile.
"You can twist anything to fit your purpose. Thanks. I feel a little better." She stroked the skin on his abdomen again.
"What now?"
"Just remembering. It's not that you're bigger now; you already had these before you left. It's like they're more defined now, as if someone had drawn them with a pencil and you just filled in the blanks."
Daniel chuckled.
"I'm glad you don't have any of those scars," she said and looked in his eyes. There was something there that called her, so she stretched up and kissed him.
Daniel did not move at first, but, a few seconds into the kiss, he pulled her up towards him. Sam wrapped her arms around his neck and ended up sitting on his lap.
"We're doing this a lot lately," he said a while later, as he tried to regain his breath.
She did not answer and kissed him again. Then she moved her lips along his jaw line and ended up kissing his neck.
"Oh, God, Sam."
"This is where it all started. Maybe this will erase all those doubts you have," she whispered before going back to kissing him.
Without even thinking, he laid his head against the headboard to give her more space to work.
Sam smiled. It was working.