Memories of the Heartby Betty Bokor
Sam/Daniel. A mission goes horribly wrong while Sam's life is changed forever. Spoilers: All seasons, including 10 to the end.
Disclaimer: The Stargate original characters belong to MGM/Showtime, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Film Corp. This was written strictly for the purpose of entertainment. No attempt at copyright infringement has been closed his eyes. He did not want to see. He could remember enough.

Memories of the Heart

Chapter 45

A.N. This section contains dialogue about sex. There is nothing graphic, as always, but enough to help the imagination. If you feel offended by this kind of writing, please, skip this section. You will understand the story anyway.

A few seconds later, Daniel opened his eyes and said, "Stop, Sam, stop."

Sam froze. Maybe it was not working.

"I get it. You want to make love. You want to make me understand it's okay to do it… because I'm being kind of dense about this, right?"

Sam moved away from him and sat on her side of the bed with a forced smile. "It's fine. Don't worry. I keep pushing too hard."

"No. That's not it. I feel like I've put the burden of the proof on you, like it's your duty to take me back to where we were, but you already put us there once. It should be me this time. So, let me do it. I'll try. I certainly want to… and you want it, too," he added as if the last idea still surprised him.

She smiled sincerely and squeezed his hand. "It doesn't have to be now. I think I'm obsessing a little because tomorrow everybody will be back in the house and, though I'm missing Danny awfully, it will be very different with them here."

He raised his hand and caressed her face very softly. "Do you know how many times I stopped myself from dreaming about this? About being with you… About how it would feel? Let me try…" he leaned and kissed her.

For a while they leisurely kissed. They were sitting in a very uncomfortable position and slowly they started sliding down on the bed until they were lying facing each other. Daniel slid his hand over her nightgown until he reached her leg and then went back up under the thick cloth. He stopped suddenly at the top of her leg.

"They're very uncomfortable during the pregnancy," Sam whispered with a smile. "All of them. The bigger I get, the worse it is, so, at least at night, when I go to bed, I get rid of them."

Daniel took a deep breath. He had forgotten that real life sex was not as flawless as sex in his imagination. In his mind he would have kept on going when his hand did not find an obstacle; in real life, he had felt afraid he was crossing a boundary too soon. Now, it seemed she was giving him permission, so he slowly kept going further, but, then, he deviated from his course, overwhelmed by the desire to touch the evidence of her pregnancy.

Sam lay on her back so that he could caress her abdomen more comfortably and put her hand over his.

"Do you feel anything?" he asked softly, feeling guilty about interrupting their lovemaking, but eager to know.

"Not really, not yet. Around the eighteenth week they'll start moving a lot more… The kind of movement that I'll certainly notice."

"I'm sorry. I just had to touch it. I hadn't-"

"Hey, it's okay. They're yours, too. Don't worry."

He got closer to her and kissed her again. He was slowly moving towards her, getting ready to get on top of her, when Sam stopped him.

"Wait… I'm sorry."

"What?" he asked, worried one more time.

"I just-" she sighed and laughed nervously. "I just… Oh! It's so silly!"

"Tell me, Sam. What?"

"Okay. Let's see... How can I say this?" She smiled at him and then she looked as if she had had a bright idea and said, "One of the most pleasurable memories I have of our night together is feeling your whole body on top of me; just that… like being completely sheltered, in a cocoon… Feeling you so close to me, so powerful, but also so tender, so caring… I don't know how to explain it."

"Okay," he said, expecting to hear what was wrong with that.

"Do you know when you talk about a desk or a good piece of furniture?"

"Yeah…" He was surprised by the non-sequitur and he still could not see where she was going.

"And you say that it's made of solid wood?"

"Okay…"

"Well, I've always had that idea, that there are men that are made of solid wood… stout… and others are just bones with a veneer," she tried to explain.

"You mean I'm too fat or heavy?"

"Well, certainly heavy, tall and big, but not fat… I don't think you have an ounce of fat in you these days."

Daniel smiled. "Okay, so I'm heavy, and, though it used to be pleasurable, now…?"

"I'm afraid we'll smush the babies."

She looked so serious that he had to smile. "I understand, Sam," he said and carefully moved away from her.

"No, you don't," she said.

Her tone made him think she would cry. "Sam…"

"No. I don't want you to stop because of this. I just… I haven't had sex while pregnant ever, you understand, right? I wanted this so much… I even asked Jennifer and she said it was perfectly okay."

"You asked Jennifer? When?"

"After Lya told us they had found you."

"But you didn't even know if it was really me or if I was going to be okay-"

"I hoped so. I didn't know you wouldn't remember me. I thought you'd want to start from where we left off."

Daniel realized how meaningful it all was for her and he chastised himself for not having understood it earlier. "Well, you know that, especially in oriental civilizations," he said with a smile, "there's an interesting legacy of traditions regarding the many different positions a couple can use for lovemaking, even during pregnancy."

"And you know some?"

"What kind of anthropologist would I be if I hadn't studied every side of the development of those cultures?"

Sam smiled. He was starting to feel like the old Daniel. She sensed many of the barriers between them had fallen down. Perhaps there were many more, but she was getting closer. "Any ideas you'd like to share?" she asked with a provocative tone.

"I certainly do."

"You know, you didn't mention any of this the last time."

"I take it we were pretty traditional, then."

"I'd say…" She sighed. "I don't know why, but I have this idea now, that you're not always traditional and I… You think that at this age at least I'd be better at this."

"Listen, Sam, of all your adult life, if you try to imagine it like a pie chart and mark in there, how many hours have you spent studying, revolutionizing physics, fighting the enemy, and so? Then, how much did you spend with a steady partner, making love?"

She felt surprised by the result of her quick mental calculation. She had never thought of it that way. "It's pretty sad."

"Hey, don't think most people are much better, especially successful people like you who sacrificed so much for their beliefs."

"You make it sound like it was a good thing."

"It wasn't bad either. I'm not that far behind you and I've never felt bad about it. It was great while I had it, but it didn't define me."

Sam smiled. "I love you," she said softly and briefly stroked his face. Then, she added, "We're always back to talking. This isn't happening. Let's go to bed and we'll see what happens tomorrow," and she grabbed the edge of the covers.

"No… Don't," he said as he grabbed her hand. "Don't give up. We need all this, even the talk. Maybe the last time we didn't talk enough."

"We didn't talk much, that's for sure."

"There are couples who take a lot longer to get here. Perhaps that night we went too fast because we didn't have time left, but now we can do it."

"Somehow I don't imagine normal couples discussing all these things."

"Not many have to deal with a pregnancy of twins and a leg with a cast. It makes it more complicated, but nothing we can't fix. And I'm sure normal couples don't just kiss and end up having sex like in the movies, without having to deal with practical matters."

"We pretty much did that the last time. We kissed, we undressed each other, we kissed a lot more, and we made love all night long. No practical matters."

"No turning the lights on or off?"

"Well, yeah, we did that."

"Not having trouble with the boot laces?"

"Do you remember?" she asked surprised.

"I always have trouble with them when I'm in a hurry."

"It happened with my boots, but we laughed about it."

"But, you see, your memory has idealized it. Maybe in twenty years you'll think that way about tonight."

"I doubt it."

"Listen, no doubt I'd have preferred to do this without all the interruptions… I'm quite… uncomfortable, let's say, but I think it's good. All good. Now, let's try something different. First, we turn off the lights, we get rid of all these clothes, and, then, we're free to go. Just don't worry if you need to stop for any reason."

"You'll share your knowledge of ancient civilizations?" She joked.

"I'll offer different possibilities and you choose."

"I trust you. Just go ahead; I'll follow your lead."

The next time Sam looked at the clock on her nightstand, the sun was high up in the sky. The light coming through the light curtains bothered her eyes and she turned her face to avoid it.

"Are you okay?" Daniel asked as she tried to turn all her body towards him.

"It's too sunny."

"At least it's not snowing today."

She snuggled. "Mmm… It's still cold away from you."

He embraced her and pulled her closer to him. "Better?"

"Perfect."

"Are you hungry? It's midday. I can get you something."

"Yeah, a little, but I don't want you to leave. We can go later."

"Are you sure?"

"Yep." She raised a hand and caressed his chest. "You're a great anthropologist, you know?'

He chuckled. "And you're the student who can outdo the master."

"Do you have anything else for me to learn before we go to eat?"

"Always."