Hey everyone!:) Everyone have a great Halloween? Lots of candy?
LeighEight: ahhh those guys are my fangirl crushes to! I was so upset when Uriah died in the end:( I have a lot of fangirl crushes actually
Jace Herondale (fromt mortal instruments series), Augustus Waters (from fault in our stars), Park (from Eleanor & Park), Eragon (from Eragon), Pudge (from looking for Alaska), Charlie (from perks of being a wallflower), 11th Doctor (from Doctor Who), Sherlock (from Sherlock tv show), Percy Jackson (percy jackson series), Uriah (from Divergent) and of course Four/Tobias from divergent:)
Who are your fangirl crushes?
Enjoy the chapter!
~Wallflower95
2
Neither of us said anything for the rest of the support group. Patrick recited another chant and then read the names lost in the battle against cancer from a list. The list was depressingly long. When it was all done I immediately headed over to her. I towered over her.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"Hazel."
"No, your full name."
"Um, Hazel Grace Lancaster." I looked her up and down. She really did look like Caroline. But there was something different. I was about to say something when Isaac showed up at my side.
"Hold on." I said, raising one finger. I turned to Isaac.
"That was actually worse than you made it out to be." I said.
"I told you it was bleak."
"Why do you bother?"
"I don't know. It kind of helps?" I leaned towards Isaac so Hazel Grace wouldn't hear.
"She's a regular?"
"Yeah. Look dude, I know she looks like Caroline." He whispered.
"I'll say." I muttered. I took Isaac by both shoulders a half step away from him and smile at Hazel Grace.
"Tell Hazel about clinic." Isacc leaned against the snack table that bent at his extra weight. I thought the damn thing would collapse.
"Okay, so I went into clinic this morning and I was telling my surgeon that I'd rather be deaf than blind and he said 'it doesn't work that way' and I was like 'yeah I realize it doesn't work that way; I'm just saying I'd rather be deaf than blind' and he said 'well, the good news is that you won't be deaf' and I was like 'thank you for explaining that my eye cancer isn't going to make me deaf. I feel so fortunate that an intellectual giant like yourself would deign to operate on me."
"He sounds like a winner." Hazel Grace said.
"I'm gonna get me some eye cancer so I can make this guy's acquaintance."
"Good luck with that." All right, I should go. Monica's waiting for me. I gotta look her a lot while I can."
"Counterinsurgence tomorrow?" I asked.
"Definitely." Isaac turned and ran up the steps, taking them two at a time. I turned to Hazel Grace.
"Literally."
"Literally?" She questioned.
"We are literally in the heart of Jesus. I thought we were in a church basement but we are literally in the heart of Jesus."
"Someone should tell Jesus. I mean, it's gotta be dangerous storing children with cancer in your heart." Hazel said. I smiled at her.
"I would tell Him myself but unfortunately I am literally stuck inside of His heart so He won't be able to hear me." I flashed my crooked smile. Hazel laughed. I shook my head as I looked at her.
"What?" She asked.
"Nothing." I said.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" I half smiled at her.
"Because you're beautiful. I enjoy looking at beautiful people and I decided a while ago not to deny myself the simpler pleasures of existence." A brief and frankly quite awkward moment passed.
"I mean, particularly given that, as you so deliciously pointed out, all of this will end in oblivion and everything." I said. Hazel Grace scoffed or coughed or something and started to say;
"I'm not beaut-"
"You're like a millennial Natalie Portman. Like V for Vendetta Natalie Portman."
"Never seen it." Hazel Grace said.
"Really? Pixie haired gorgeous girl, dislikes authority and can't help but fall for a boy she knows is trouble. It's your autobiography so far as I can tell." I said. I watched Hazel Grace mull it over. A young girl passed by us.
"How's it going Ailsa?" I asked. She smiled and mumbled.
"Hi Augustus." I saw Hazel Grace look at me.
"Memorial people." I said.
"Where do you go?"
"Children's."
"Well." Hazel Grace nodded towards the steps leading out of the Literal Heart of Jesus.
"So, see you next time maybe?" But I changed the subject.
"You should see it. V for Vendetta, I mean."
"Okay. I'll look it up."
"No. With me. At my house. Now." I said with a crooked smile. Hazel Grace stopped walking midsteps and looked right at me.
"I hardly know you Augustus Waters. You could be an axe murderer." I nodded.
"True enough, Hazel Grace." I walked past her up the stairs. It was an awkward climb for me. Stairs are always fun for me and old prosty. We stood in the parking lot as I figured she was waiting for her ride. I glanced over to two people who were practically mashed together against the stone wall of the church building. It was Isaac and his girlfriend Monica.
"Always. Always." The two of them kept saying that to each other. I prevented myself from rolling my eyes.
"They're big believers in PDA." I whispered to Hazel Grace.
"What's with the 'always'?" Hazel Grace asked as the awful slurping sounds intensified.
"Always is their thing. They'll always love each other and whatever. I would conservatively estimate they have texted each other the word always four million times in the last year." Cars drove by and picked other member from the support group until until it was just me, Hazel Grace and the two lovebirds. Out of no where Isaac reached with his hand and grabbed Monica's boob. I wanted to facepalm right then and there.
"Imagine taking that last drive to the hospital. The last time you'll ever drive a car." Hazel Grace said. I kept looking at Isaac and Monica.
"You're killing my vibe here Hazel Grace. I'm trying to observe young love in its many splendor-ed awkwardness."
"I think he's hurting her boob." Hazel Grace said.
"Yes. It's difficult to ascertain whether he is trying to arouse her or perform a breast exam." I then reached into my pocket and pulled out my pack of cigarettes.
"Are you serious?" Hazel Grace exclaimed. I looked at her.
"You think that's cool? Oh my go you just ruined the whole thing."
"Which whole thing?"
"The whole thing where a boy who is not unattractive or unintelligent or seemingly in anyway acceptable stares at me and points out incorrect uses of literality and compares me to actresses and asks me to watch a movie at his house. But of course there is always a harmatia and yours is that oh my god. Even though you HAD FREAKING CANCER you give money to a company in exchange for the chance to acquire YET MORE CANCER. Oh my god. Let me just assure you that not being able to breathe? SUCKS. Totally disappointing. Totally."
"A harmatia?" I asked. The cigarette dancing in my mouth.
"A fatal flaw." Hazel Grace said. She stepped toward the curb and I heard a car start up. It must be her ride. Right as her ride pulled up and she was just about to reach for the car door I grabbed her hand. She yanked it away.
"They don't kill you unless you light them." I said. Hazel Grace looked at me.
"And I've never lit one. It's a metaphor, see: You put the killing thing right between your teeth but you don't give it the power to do it's killing." I said. Hazel Grace's eyebrow went up.
"It's a metaphor." She said.
"It's a metaphor." I said with a crooked smile.
"You choose your behaviors based on their metaphorical resonances..." She said.
"Oh yes. I'm a big believer in metaphor, Hazel Grace." Hazel Grace turned toward the car and tapped on the window. Who I assumed was her mom leaned forwards.
"I'm going to a movie with Augustus Waters. Please record the next several episodes of ANTM marathon for me."
I was trying extremely hard to drive safe and to not scare the shit out of Hazel Grace but so far it wasn't working out for me. Everything happened with a tremendous jolt and I saw Hazel Grace fly forwards and hit her seat belt a few times. I winced.
"I failed my driving test three times." I said.
"You don't say." I laughed and nodded.
"Well, I can't feel pressure in old prosty and I can't get the hang of driving left footed. My doctors say most amputees can drive with no problem but... yeah. Not me. Anyway, I go for my fourth driving test and it goes about like this is going." A half a mile ahead of us a light turned red and I slammed on the brakes. Hazel Grace flew forwards again.
"Sorry. I swear to God I am trying to be gentle. Right, so anyway at the end of the test, I totally thought I'd failed again but the instructor was like 'Your driving is unpleasant, but it isn't technically unsafe.'"
"I'm not sure I agree." She said.
"I suspect Cancer Perk." Cancer Perks are these things that regular kids don't get. Its basically a way of regular people telling us they feel bad for us and the only way they can make it better for us is to give us something special.
"Yeah." The light turned green and I slammed on the gas.
"You know they've got hand controls for people who can't use their legs." Hazel Grace said.
"Yeah, maybe someday." I said. I'm sure Hazel Grace must have thought that comment was odd. How could a guy like me who happened to be in the 90% good side of Cancer possibly think about still biting from it? The truth is you can never know what will happen.
"So, are you in school?" Hazel Grace asked.
"Yeah. I'm at North Central. A year behind though. I'm a sophomore. You?" Sometimes when you're parents think you're going to bite from it soon they pull you at of school. I may have had cancer but my parents kept me in school cause they thought education was important.
"No, my parents pulled withdrew me three years ago."
"Three years?" And then she broke down her cancer story.
"I was thirteen when the found it. I was diagnosed with stage IV thyroid cancer. We were told it was incurable. I had this surgery called radical neck dissection which is about as unpleasant as it sounds. Then they started radiation and chemo. The tumors shrank then grew. By then, I was fourteen. My lungs started to fill up with water and I was looking pretty dead. Pretty soon I ended up in the ICU with pneumonia and right then and there I thought that was it. Then my regular Dr. Maria came, emptied the some of the water in my lungs and they decided to try this drug called Phalaxifor. It was a trial drug famous in the Republic of Cancervania for not working. It doesn't work in about 70% of people but for some reason it works for me. So the tumors shrank and they stayed shrunk. Honestly Phalaxifor only purchased me some more time." She said. I tried to change the subject. I assumed that Hazel Grace didn't exactly like sharing her cancer story as did I.
"So now you gotta go back to school." I said.
"I actually can't." She said.
"Because I already got my GED. So I'm taking classes at MCC."
"A college girl. That explains the aura of sophistication." I smirked and Hazel Grace shoved my arm. We made a wheel screeching stop in the driveway in front of my house. We headed inside. I was taking off my jacket when I noticed Hazel Grace looking at the encouragements on the wall.
"My parents call them encouragements. They're everywhere." Mom and dad didn't seem phased at all that I brought a girl home with me.
"Hi Gus." Mom said.
"This is Hazel Grace." I said, introducing her.
"Just Hazel." Hazel Grace said.
"How's it going, Hazel?" My dad asked.
"Okay." I said.
"How was Isaac's support group?" Mom asked.
"It was incredible."
"You're such a Debbie Downer." Mom said,
"Hazel do you enjoy it?" Hazel Grace took a moment to think about her words.
"Most of the people are really nice." She said. I smiled and nodded.
"That's exactly what we found with families at Memorial when we were in the thick of it with Gus's treatment. Everybody was so kind. Strong too. In the darkest days the Lord puts the best people into your life."
"Quick, give me a throw pillow and some thread because that needs to be an encouragement." I said. MY dad looked annoyed. I put my arm around him.
"I'm just kidding Dad. I like the freaking encouragements. I really do. I just can't admit it because I'm a teenager." My dad rolled his eyes.
"You're joining us for dinner I hope?" My mom asked Hazel Grace.
"I guess?" Hazel Grace cleared her throat.
"Also, I don't, um eat meat?"
"No problem. We'll vegetarinize some." She said.
"Animals just too cute?"
"I want to minimize the number of deaths I am responsible for." She said. Awkward silence.
"Well I think that's wonderful." Mom said. Mom and dad kept going on about curfews and food and pointless things.
"Hazel and I are going to watch V for Vendetta so she can see her filmie doppelganger, mid two thousands Natalie Portman."
"The living room tv is your for watching." Dad said.
"I think we're actually gonna watch it in the basement." Dad laughed.
"Good try. Living room."
"But I want to show Hazel Grace the basement."
"Just Hazel." Hazel Grace put in.
"So show Just Hazel the basement and then come upstairs and watch your movie in the living room." I puffed out my cheeks and twisted myself around.
"Fine." I mumbled. I might be acting a little immature, yes. I mean, its not like I was gonna go down there and make out with her. I just wanted to show her around. Honest! Once we were downstairs I flipped on the light. Hazel Grace looked at all of my shelves covered in basketball trophies.
"I used to play basketball." I explained.
"You must've been pretty good."
"I wasn't bad, but all the shoes and the balls are Cancer Perks." I walked towards the tv in my room and looked through my collection of Dvds until I spotted V for Vendetta.
"I was like the prototypical white hoosier. I was all about resurrecting the lost art of midrange jumper, but then one day I was shooting free throws-just standing at the foul line at the North Central gym shooting from a rack of balls. All at once I couldn't figure out why I was methodically tossing a spherical object through a torodial object. It seemed like the stupidest thing I could possibly be doing."
"I started thinking about little kids putting a cylindrical peg through a circular hole and how they do it over and over again for months when they figure it out and how basketball was basically just a slightly more aerobic version of that same exercise. Anyway, for the longest time, I just kept sinking the free throws. I hit eighty in a row, my all time best but as I kept going I felt more and more like a two year old and then for some reason I started to think about hurdlers. Are you okay?" I noticed Hazel Grace looked a little pale and she sat down on the bed.
"I'm fine. Just listening. Hurdlers?" She said.
"Yeah, hurdlers. I don't know why. I started thinking about them running their hurdle races and jumping over these totally arbitrary objects that had been set in their path and I wondered if hurdlers ever thought, 'this would be so much easier without the hurdles."
"This was before your diagnosis?"
"Right well, there was that too." I smiled.
"The day of the existentially fraught free throws was coincidentally my last day of dual leggedness. I had a weekend between when they scheduled the amputation and when it happened. My own little glimpse of what Isaac is going through."
"Do you have siblings?"
"Huh?"
"You said something about watching kids play."
"Oh yeah, no. I have nephews,from my half sisters. But they're older. They're like- DAD HOW OLD ARE JULIE AND MARTHA?"
"Twenty eight!"
"They're like twenty eight. The live in Chicago. They are both married to very fancy lawyer dudes. I can't remember. You have siblings?" She shook her head.
"So, what's your story?" I asked her.
"I already told you my story. I was diagnosed when I was-"
"No, not your cancer story. Your story. Intrests, hobbies, passions, weird fetishes, etcetera."
"Um..."
"Don't tell me you're one of those people who becomes their disease. I know so many people like that. It's disheartening. Like, cancer is in the growth business right? The taking people over business. But surely yo haven't let it succeed prematurely." I said, looking at her. She took a moment to think.
"I am pretty unextraordinary."
I reject that out of hand. Think of something you like. The first thing that comes to mind." I said.
"Um. Reading?"
"What do you read?"
"Everything. From like hideous romance to pretentious fiction to poetry. Whatever."
"Do you write poetry?"
"No. I don't write."
"There!" I exclaimed.
"Hazel Grace you are the only teenager in America who prefers reading poetry to writing it. This tells me so much. You read a lot of capital G great books, don't you?"
"I guess?"
"What's your favorite?"
"Um." It took her a moment. She practically had the name of the book on her tongue but for some reason she didn't look like she wanted to share it. As if the book was hers and hers alone.
"My favorite book is An Imperial Affliction." She said.
"Does it feature zombies?"
"No."
"Stormtroopers?" She shook her head.
"It's not that kind of book." She said. I smiled at her.
"I am going to read this terrible book with the boring title that does not contain stormtroopers." I said. I walked over to my bookshelf and grabbed one of my favorite books.
"All I ask in exchange is that you read this brilliant and haunting novelization of my favorite video game." I gave the book to her. I felt like I was handing something very special to her. In the exchange our hands got tangled together.
"Cold." I said as I pressed a finger to her pale wrist.
"Not cold so much as underoxygenated." She said. I smiled at her.
"I love it when you talk medical to me." I stood up and pulled her up with me and we headed upstairs.
That's all for now guys. I spent a long time typing this up. Will try and update soon! Please comment and review:)
Okay?
~Wallflower95