Author's Note: To make this rewrite more interesting, I decided to make a significant change to one of the characters. Who is it? Find out!
Also, I would like to apologize for the lack of British spelling. I'm sorry that the 'Spectres' are called 'Specters'. Curse you school! Yes, I blame school for this.
The story is now on ON.
Chapter 1: The Unreal World
A gnarled hand reached for the phone early in the morning, or whatever passes as morning in this world. "Urrrgh... yeah? What the fuck do yo... oh. Y-Your highness? Oh cra- I mean, oh no, I'm sorry. ...Yes? ...Shortage of metal in Zone 3? ...Slow down your highness, and stop drinking.. uh-huh... ..but I don't like the cows and it interferes with my sche... yeah, fine, I'll investigate. ...Fine, I'll keep my jacket closed." He slammed the phone back on its receiver. "God, I have to get to work this early in the morning? What a pain..."
The Batter appeared on another walkway, this one being light green; light green seemed to be the color of Zone 1's exterior. The Batter walked down the walkway (passing by a red box, which was presumably the way out of the place) as a light rain poured. The baseball playing hero was pleasantly surprised to find actual civilization: a large sign that read 'ELSEN' hung over a train station, where a few men were milling around.
These men were known as Elsens; their bodies were the same (pale and bald), and almost all of them wore a businessman garb. The one closest to the Batter spoke to him, all while taking a gasp of air. "Train #1 is a useful way to get around Zone 1."
"...Thanks." The Batter responded.
"Train #2 hasn't been in use for quite awhile, though."
The Batter was already getting annoyed by the Elsen. "That is useful information, but why are you talking to m-"
"Zone 1 produces all elements essential to life."
"Shut u-"
"However, our work has been, um, hampered by the specters recently."
Something suddenly sparked within The Batter. "Specters? Where are they?"
"I... I know that some are infesting the mines. You can uh, take the train ther-" The Batter was already getting into the train; purification first, talk later.
He wiped his shoes on a mat inside the train before taking a seat. He fidgeted around, thinking about his mission. He glanced outside of the window and saw a baffling sight. "What the-?" Hanging in the cloudy sky were giant words saying, 'ZONE 1.'
"Isn't it impressive?" A gasp came from an Elsen sitting in the train. "The giant transparent sign that the Queen's supervisor ordered us to put up surely, uh, impresses visitors. Are you, um, impressed?"
The Batter decided to just ignore him and whistled a tune to himself, while the Elsen got tired of waiting for an answer and just started looking out the window. Eventually, the train lurched to a stop; the Batter exited the train, finding himself at the station, 'DAMIEN.' He continued on a linear path until he saw a small area with a building and two staircases leading down into the world; the path to one of the staircases was obstructed by blocks. The Batter heard a wheeze as he saw an Elsen exiting the building, wearing a miner's hat on his head.
"Uh... a visitor? Um... it's been awhile since we had, um, a visitor." the Elsen rasped. "Well, welcome to the smoke mines. Are you the, uh, inspector?"
"No. I am The Batter, and I've come to eliminate the impure ghosts in this zone." The Batter answered.
"The... Batter? I... are you here to play on Damien's, um, baseball team?"
"...What? No."
"I.. well, might you be a prophet? Or a man of some belief?"
"Something like that."
"Well... welcome to the smoke mines. Um... it's not a very fond welcome though... considering the uh, ghosts in the mines."
The Batter, no doubt wanting to rid any confusion we the audience had (you guys are probably wondering about the Elsens and what's wrong with this world; these will be answered later) about this "smoke mine", so he decided to question the Elsen. "What are these smoke mines?"
The Elsen briefly went back into the building and brought out a diagram showing intricate drawings of mines, tools, and explanations. "Right, you are in the smoke mines of Damien. The miners here go into the mines and, well, using a multitude of tools, unearth pieces of metal, which frees smoke from the earth's crust." He flips over the picture, which showed a detailed explanation on why lung cancer is less worse than not breathing. "By doing this, we bring a steady supply of smoke so that, um, we could breathe. We let most of it flow free in the air, but we bottle some of the smoke up to, uh, send to the other zones.
"As the first of the four elements, smoke is the most important. Because without smoke, people would have no air to breathe."
Yes, that's the explanation for smoke. No, I'm not making this up for the sake of the remake, this is the canon explanation; the manufacturing for the other elements are just as convoluted.
"...Ah. So, about the ghosts in the mines?" The Batter asked.
"Uh yes, well... the ghosts have interrupted our work in the mines. ...I... think you don't have the clearance to enter the main mine shaft. No. I don't think..."
"Hmm, could you tell me where the chief of the specters is?"
"The... chief of the specters?"
"The person in conducting them. If I defeat him, all the other ghosts would disappear."
"Oh. Uh... I'm... not sure about that, but um, one of the miners saw something... strange down the abandoned annex the other day... that might be what you're looking for." The Elsen pointed over to the staircase that was available. "Uh... I guess it's alright if you, um, check it out."
"Alright then." The Batter went over to the entrance and went down its steps. The interior of the Earth was a fine purple, being brightened by lamps along its walls. The Batter walked down the corridor until he reached the end, where he found... "The Judge?"
The cat looked up at him. "Ah, if it isn't The Batter, Hyper, and the Readers. Even though we've last encountered each other 20 minutes ago, I'm ecstatic to see you again. Why are you descending this annex? It just leads to a dead-end; surely the supervisor informed you of this."
"I'm here looking for the chief of the specters." The Batter paused. "Are you him?"
"Surely you jest. No, I am not the 'chief of the specters'. I'm just a frequent trespasser of this spot, as I am quite fond of it. If you're looking for something, this foul-mouthed phenomenon might interest you."
"Shut the hell up. I'm not foul-mouthed." said a small, yet gruff voice. The Judge moved out of The Batter's way, revealing a halo of light floating in the air at the end of the hall.
"I believe that thing is called an Add-On. I've heard many theories on these things; supposedly, these things assist you in battle." The Judge explained. "Try as I might, however, I am not compatible with this Add-On."
"Because you're a damn cat." the Add-On commented.
The Judge rolled his eyes. "Perhaps you can attempt to join forces with it, seeing as you have a different spiritual order than I."
"Okay..." The Batter walked up to the Add-On and poked it; the floating ring discharged a burst of light in response to this.
The Add-On floated up and down in acceptance. "Hm. It seems that you're worthy of my help, despite your appearance."
"Are you insulting my clothes?" The Batter snapped.
"Yes. You look like a clown in that get-up, for fuck's sake."
"..."
"But, it looks like we're bonded now, so I'm forced to stick with you. I'm Alpha."
"The Batter." Alpha floated behind him so that he could start his RPG party member service.
Add-On Alpha has joined your party!
"Hyper, why are you announcing the obvious?" The Judge asked.
Because... shut up.
"Well, it's been a pleasure seeing you again, Judge." The Batter gave the Judge a small wave before heading back to the exit, Alpha in tow.
"So, what's the deal with you, Batter?" Alpha asked.
"I'm on a mission to purify the world of these foul spirits."
"You mean the ghosts?"
"Yes."
"Ha. Good luck with that."
The odd pair exited the annex and The Batter went to talk to the Elsen supervisor again. "I didn't find the chief of the specters there."
"That's... unfortunate. Well, I suppose you can investigate the main shaft... the regulations does say that uh, someone can investigate the mine in times of... emergency. So... there..." the Elsen walked up to the blockade of blocks and made them disappear.
As The Batter walked through where the blocks once were, Alpha whispered to him, "You could have just walked in between those blocks."
"regrettably, the universal laws here forbid me from doing so." The Batter answered with a sigh.
"That is the stupidest fucking thing I've heard."
"I know." The Elsens surrounding the main shaft's entrance regarded the two with curiosity as they descended. They emerged at the mine's entrance room, where a few worried Elsens were.
"A-are you... visitors? Be careful, the mine is... dangerous..."
"My head feels like... exploding... from the worry..."
"Please... get rid of the specters... w-we cannot work..."
"Will do." The Batter continued down the mine and ran into the next room. He pulled out his bat, while looking around the room. "Show yourselves, corrupted children, so that I may judge your corrupted souls!"
That's when they appeared; the ghosts appeared in a circle around The Batter and Alpha. The ghosts looked like those silly fake bedsheet ghosts, except not fake at all. Alpha regarded them with disbelief. "These things are a threat? These guys look like they come from a stupid book for children."
The Batter ignored him, looking at the ghosts surrounding them. "Prepare for our judgement."
The Batter sprung into action; he ran up to the first ghost and swung his bat. The surprised ghost disappeared as it was defeated in a single blow. He Wide Angle'd (the Competence version of Tattling, like in Paper Mario) the ghosts with his watchful eyes. "These are Common Specters. They're relatively weak, so they're no threat."
"If you say so." Alpha grunted. The ring flew into one of the ghouls, instantly defeating it. As the two ghost fighters prepared for their next move, the Common Specters swiped at them from all directions, doing a decent amount of damage to the pair.
The fight continued on with its cycle; The Batter and Alpha took out a ghost each and the Common Specters attacked after they made their move. It took around two minutes before all the ghosts were eradicated. "Adversaries purified..." The Batter took a second to catch his breath. He walked up to a yellow floating block on the side and used it to heal himself and Alpha. "Let's continue on then."
The upper path was blocked by, you guessed it, knee-high blocks; this forced them to take the eastbound path. As The Batter and Alpha walked through the maze-like mines, they started to run across more ghosts.
"Ah ah..." A raspy voice shot from the ground along with a hand. A ghoul with a metallic imp body and a tail pulled itself up and coughed up a burst of smoke, which it no doubt sucked up in the ground. The Batter regarded it with disdain as he gave it a Wide Angle. "That's a January. It's a bit tough, but both of us can take it."
"Alright. Take this, you phantom of shit!" The Batter and Alpha took turns hitting the ghoul known as January, while taking punches from him. Eventually, the January was felled. Then, they heard the clattering of teeth down one of the corridors; flying disembodied heads suddenly came at them.
The Batter used Wide Angle again. "Those are Magnolias. They'll give you Chronic Migraines, which will blind you." He took a swing of the bat and whacked one of the Magnolias back down the corridor. "They're not much of a problem though."
"YEEEEE!" one of the Magnolias screeched; it afflicted a Chronic Migraine on Alpha.
"Yargh! I can't see!" the hot-blooded Add-On screamed as he flew around aimlessly. He attempted to ram into the Magnolia that gave it to him, but ended up flying past it. The Batter ran in to help, and by the time he recovered, Alpha managed to deal the finishing blow.
The Batter held up what looked like a prayer slip, which said 'Luck Ticket' on it. "Here, take one." He stuck the ticket onto Alpha and it dissolved into him, curing his wounds.
"Thanks for that. Let's get back to figuring out how to get out of this stupid place." said Alpha. The two wandered around, continuing to run into Januarys and Magnolias; they briefly met an Elsen in the mine, who was trying to carry on with his work. They also found a safe room full of Elsens and scored a box full of Belilal's Meat (which healed status ailments) before getting shushed away. They found several other chests, also containing various items. Eventually, they reached a corridor with a ladder leading upward, while the path that continued further in the bowels of the mine was blocked.
"Nowhere to go but up." The Batter grunted. He climbed up the ladder, with Alpha floating up behind him. They emerged at another landmass of Zone 1, this one having a farmland (or something that's close to a farmland) on it.
An Elsen noticed the two coming up and rushed over. "You... came from... the mines? But it's... d-dangerous in there."
"We know." The Batter responded stoically.
"That didn't stop one idiot from working down there though." Alpha mentioned.
"Oh... then he is certain to uh... get eaten by a grue."
"What?"
"It... it's a ghost that uh, lurks in the dark."
"Oh."
The Batter looked around. "Where are we?"
The Elsen brought out a poster board (like you'd see at a school science fair), looking overjoyed to explain this. "Uh, you're at the metal farmsteads of Pentel." He moved his finger from a map of Zone 1 (which was a bunch of disjointed landmasses) to a picture of farmers and cows. "Here, we raise cows so that the metal boulders inside of them may grow. When cows are properly matured, we cut them in half and retrieve the metal boulders from their cadavers. Um, the useless metal is used to build the ground we walk on, while the more useful ones are used to build the tools and machines we need." He pointed at a map labeled 'The Queen's Land' (which just had a huge question mark on it). "We send some of the metal to the other zones, so that they may construct things too. As the first of the four elements, metal is the most important.
"Because without metal, people would have nothing to walk on. They would fall and drown."
...Seriously Readers, I'm not making this stuff up.
"..I thought smoke was the most essential element?" The Batter questioned.
"...The man who told you that is a liar." the Elsen said without hesitation. "Oh, do you two... fight specters?"
"Yes."
"Well there are... ghosts infesting one of the big barns... it is very um... f-frightening. We... haven't met our metal quota for Zone 3 because of... them. The Queen's inspector will be... here soon... Can you... help?"
The Batter hesitated before nodding. "Okay." The Elsen pointed off to which barn was being infested and The Batter started to head off in that direction.
"Why are we doing this?" Alpha asked.
"...I need to see the Queen's inspector. This might be a good opportunity..." The Batter answered, vaguely. They walked toward the barn. They passed by several Elsens, who were either observing cows or extracting meat from cows that were cut in half (yeah I know it's weird, shut up). There were some Elsens pushing around metal boulders and putting them into piles, preparing to ship some of them to the other zones. When the duo reached the barn, there was a small crowd of Elsens standing in front of it.
"Oh... you're here to fight... the phantoms?" an Elsen asked.
"Yes." Both the Batter and Alpha answered.
"...Ah. P-Please hurry up... before the i-inspector, um, arrives. There are five ghosts in there... good luck." The Batter interacted with a yellow block in front of the barn and entered.
The inside of the barn was a calming blue (The Batter was sure that most building interiors in this land was blue). The cows in the barn were bewildered, getting harassed by large ghosts. "Fat Specters. Much more malevolent than their common counterparts." The Batter commented. Him and Alpha ran at the nearest ghost and started whaling on it.
"Ah ah!" the Fat Specter shrieked; a bubble formed in its mouth and he spat it out. It was a word bubble, with 'Ah ah' inside of it.
"AH AH!" The word bubble cackled as it used Chronic Migraine on Alpha, which successfully hit.
"DAMN IT WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO MEEEEEE-!" Alpha screamed as his attempt to ram the Fat Specter failed miserably because of this. He turned around and blindly rushed at the word bubble; luckily, he managed to hit it and defeated it instantly. The Batter managed to take out the Fat Specter by himself.
"There are four more left. Let's go." The two went back to purging the barn. Despite the strength of the Fat Specters, the Batter and Alpha still managed to defeat them; this was made easier after they defeated the second one, when they both gained new Competence (the healing 'Saving First Base' for The Batter and the offensive 'Saturated Chain' for Alpha). The last of the Fat Specters was hiding inside the barn's basement, floating behind a formation of metal boulders. "...Seems simple enough." The Batter went about solving the puzzle, like Professor Layton. Or something.
"...Fuck this." Alpha simply floated above the tedious puzzle and started Saturated Chaining the Fat Specter.
"...That's one way to solve a puzzle." The Batter said while sweatdropping. By the time he got to the other side, the Fat Specter was purified, but two word bubbles were still floating around; Alpha was flying around aimlessly while spouting a stream of curses, having been blinded yet again. "Here." The Batter threw a Belial's Meat at Alpha, which the Add-On eagerly absorbed, healing his eyesight.
"Thanks. Now come here, you screaming parasites!" Alpha yelled at the word bubbles (whether they were actually sentient or not was questionable). Together, they defeated the word bubbles.
"The barn is now pure." The Batter looked at a pad on the floor. "I think that will bring us back to the exit."
The Batter and Alpha stepped onto the pad and emerged at the barn's entrance. Before they exited, Alpha commented, "Hold up, I can hear someone outside..." And indeed, they could hear a voice different from an Elsen's nervous one...
The story is now on PAUSE
Author's Note: If you haven't noticed, the character I changed was Alpha. The Add-Ons of OFF don't speak at all, so, for the sake of the rewrite, they talk now. Hooray! So, who is the person outside? Well, OFF fans already knows this, but how about the rest of you (go play OFF by the way)? Find out in the next chapter of 'OFF: The Unflattering Rewrite!"