Author's Note: Hey, let's have another chapter of dumb remake!
The story is now on ON.
Chapter 2: The Unsettling Workplace
The inspector entered the farmsteads from the nothingness. A long coat covered his fleshy, yet skeleton-like body. He clenched his jaw, which was large and possessed many teeth. His eyes glared at the Elsens, who all stepped away from him nervously. "Where is the damn supervisor?"
An Elsen stepped up to him. "Th-That would, um, be me."
"Right then. Can you explain why there's been less metal in Zone 3 lately? Lord Fatass over there needs it, and I really don't have the time to deal with this shitfest." the inspector growled.
"I... um... it all started two days ago..."
"Just get to the point. This stupidity is already throwing my schedule out of whack."
"...Right. Basically, the sp-specters invaded one of our barns. So... we haven't been providing enough metal for Zone 3."
The inspector nodded. "See? Was that so hard to say? Now, show me where the damn phantoms are."
"You shouldn't be worrying about it, um... sir. Someone is... taking care of the problem. As we speak." the Elsen wheezed.
"What!" the hot-headed man exploded. "Do you not know what you're saying? Only the Queen and her Guardians have the power to deal with the shithead ghosts! Where is this clown?"
"I... I'll show you." the Elsen dragged him over to the big bard, which emanated sounds of conflict. "He's... um, been in there for several minutes already."
"...That idiot is going to die." the inspector huffed. He turned, his coat whirling around him. "This is stupid. I'm leaving."
The Elsen blocked his path. "B-But... what about... the specters?"
"Have you ever felt a cow bite before? It hurts like a bitch. Normally I'd risk it, but with all this stupidity going on, I'm pretty sure that I'd have a 100% chance of turning into an idiot, like the rest of you lot. Besides, I have no time for these shenanigans."
"But-"
"Shut your trap. I'm going back to Alma. The people there are more respectable than you fools. And they certainly don't waste your time spouting bullshit."
"I-"
"I command you. Fuck off this instant, if you wish to keep your job."
"S-Sir!" another Elsen appeared to break up the tension. "There are... um, phonecalls for you."
The inspector roared. "You heard him! Get outta my sight!" The poor Elsen finally decided to step out of his way. The Batter and Alpha, who had been eavesdropping the entire time, stepped out of the barn.
"Who was that?" The Batter asked.
"He... y-you're... alive?" the Elsen was in disbelief. "...you must be very lucky."
"That was not luck." Alpha growled.
"We got rid of the specters." The Batter said. He showed no reaction to the Elsen dropping his jaw. "Who was that man?"
"T-that was Dedan... the Queen's royal inspector. ...He is, er, quite frightening." The Elsen stammered.
"That's all I needed to hear." With that, The Batter left him.
"What's the deal with this Dedan guy?" Alpha asked.
"I need to eliminate him." The Batter said in a vague manner. Speak of the devil, Dedan roared from a small building.
"What? There are ghosts in the smoke mines? Why didn't you idiots tell m- the post office? They're there too? For fuck's sake, you Elsens are useless. Why didn't anyone tell me this earlier? ...I'll head to the post office first. That's the place that pisses me off the least." Dedan left the building and stormed over to the smoke mine entrance and went down. Another shout came from him. "Oh, for the love of- who locked this thing?"
While the Elsens were listening to Dedan's frustration with some interest, The Batter was already running. "After him." He said to Alpha. They went to the entrance and descended; they could see that the barriers that were in place earlier were now gone. Without hesitation, they went down the recently opened path. As they went deeper into the bowels of the mines, the lamps got dimmer and dimmer until it was dark; the only light radiated from Alpha, whose circle body provided a glow around him and The Batter. "Lead the way." The Batter encouraged him to go in front.
"What am I, Rudolph?" Regardless of his annoyance, the Add-On led the way anyway. They wandered through the dark, where more Januarys and Magnolias ambushed them.
"Take this, you half-blind pest!" They heard Dedan fighting a phantom deeper in the mine. A ghostly wail was heard as Dedan grunted in satisfaction. "That'll teach you. Hmm... another damn blockade. Where's the switch?" He muttered.
"We need to hide, before he sees you." The Batter hissed at Alpha. They ran around the corner and hid out in a dead-end corridor. They stopped to catch their breaths when they heard giggling.
"Hee hee hee..." Three chuckling ghosts materialized. They had a similar form with the Common Specters; however, there was more life and energy reflected in one of their eyes, the other being covered by an X.
"Half-Blind Specters. These things pack quite a pu-" Before the Batter could finish with his Wide Angle, one of the ghosts swung at his stomach, making the faux-baseball player double over in pain. The Batter looked up in rage, and, using a recently gained Competence, Special Homerun, attacked the ghost with a spiritually charged hit. Alpha started to help out, attacking the Half-Blind Specters with Saturated Chain. The trio of ghosts were quickly dealt with.
While The Batter healed them up with Saving First Base and Luck Tickets, Dedan was heard saying, "The switch is now on ON? Who's the idiot that designed these switches? It'd be a lot easier if it said 'the switch is on'..." he grumbled as his footsteps echoed in the mine.
"The way should be open now." The Batter said. They advanced and followed Dedan's footsteps as the lamps brightened around them.
"...I don't have time to look at your shit! My schedule's already ruined as it is!"
"Ah, well that's disappointing." A new, much more relaxed voice was heard. The Batter and Alpha rushed in, but Dedan had already left; however, there was a different man there. He wore a mask that looked like a mime's face and he wore a shirt with a heart on it. He had black hair and wasn't pale, so he definitely wasn't an Elsen. "Ha ha ha. The characters certainly are piling up, aren't they?"
"Pardon?" The Batter responded.
"There are a lot of characters being introduced this early in the story, and we haven't even met one of them yet proper. The Readers out there no doubt prefer more action, rather than all this mindless talk."
"...Who are you?" Alpha questioned in a confused tone.
"I am Zacharie, the traditional shopkeeper essential in every video game. Although, in this case, we're in a fanfic of a video game." the man said with a chuckle.
"A fanfic?"
"Yes, a fanfic. Although, Hyper prefers to call it a rewrite. As you can see, some characters have their personalities edited. Such as Dedan, who is now obsessed with keeping on an ordered schedule. Never mind his behavior. He was always like that."
"...Are you on drugs?"
"Haha, most certainly not. The Director embargoed me from selling those." Zacharie paused. "Oh dear, it seems that I mentioned another character. I should at least be glad that I only told his nickname instead of anything else important. Keeping characters vague are sure to keep the Readers wanting."
"..." Alpha was at a loss for words, and wasn't even sure what insult to call him.
"Well, I'm glad that we're done blathering, 'Add-On that didn't speak in the original game'. Now, show me the color of your credits!"
"You mean these?" The Batter pulled out wads of paper, which he picked off of the specters they've been fighting.
"Excellent!" laughed Zacharie. "Now, what do you wish to buy?" He showed a list of things that The Batter could purchase; the masked man pulled the things he wanted out of hammerspace. The Batter bought a few types of meat (which all healed status ailments and restored Competence), Luck Tickets, some weapons (Bats for him, Symbols for Alpha; yes, I know this game is weird, stop thinking that), and some defensive equipment. As the two ghost fighters equipped their new gear, Zacharie said, "Pleasure doing business with you. I'll have some new things in stock the next time you see me."
"Next time?" The Batter said with a raised eyebrow.
"As I said, I'm the essential shopkeeper. My presence is always required, and I'm likely to show up somewhere ahead of you. Catch you later, haha..." With that, Zacharie wandered back into the mine.
"What a weirdo." Alpha muttered. When they got everything on, they went into the next room.
An Elsen sat behind a desk in front of an elevator. Upon seeing the two entered, he gasped. "What... w-where did you... how... you came from... the smoke mines?"
"Yes." The Batter answered.
"But... why would you, um... risk yourself... it's awfully dark in there..."
The Batter pointed at Alpha. "He guided me. We came to purify the mines. The ghosts here are quite numerous, though."
"We're also following Mr. Shouty McJerkAss." Alpha grunted.
"Mister... um... what...?" The Elsen stammered.
"He meant Dedan, the Queen's inspector and the man in charge of this zone." The Batter answered. "Where exactly are we?"
The Elsen opened his desk and brought out a folder labeled, 'PLASTIC'. He opened it up and showed the pictures and forms inside. "Hhh... you're at the plastic administrations of Shachihata. Our work involves, um, filling in forms. We wrap the forms in string and send them off to the courier service. They ship the packages and in return, we get plastic. A lot of liquid plastic forms the lakes and oceans, and some plastic is, hhhghh, used to make solid objects. As the first of the four elements, plastic is the most essential.
"Because without plastic, the world would have no boundaries. People would walk and walk without stopping."
The Batter and Alpha stared at him, having intently listened to his explanation. The Batter spoke, "Metal is the most essential element, is it not?"
"I... I have no idea. What you're... talking about." the Elsen replied.
"...Wait just a second." Alpha said. "If the post office already has the plastic, why the hell do you people have to fill in forms and send them? Isn't that unnecessary? And also kind of stupid?"
The Elsen held his head in his hands. "Hhhhhggghhh... stop... asking me these things..."
"Yes, stop." The Batter agreed.
"Wait... um... you two h-hunt the specters... r-right?" the Elsen whispered. "I... I have reason to believe that the specters are coming from, ummm, the postal service. Yes. The postal service."
This immediately grabbed The Batter's interest yet again. "The postal service?"
"Yes. That's w-where we send the forms. M-Master Dedan also has the lift to his office... there. But... no one remembers what floor the postal service is, um, on."
If Alpha had eyes, he would be giving the Elsen a completely deadpan look. "Okay, so not only do you guys go through an asinine process for something you already have, but you people have no idea where you actually ship the forms from? ...Mr. Shouty McJerkAss is right. You people are useless."
"..." The Elsen stayed silent.
"Ignore him. Let's just investigate." They went into the lift behind the Elsen. Instead of the usual elevator puzzles, there was a number pad. The Batter imputed 'one' and went up to the ground floor (he felt a small amount of pity for the Elsen who was stuck in the basement). He and Alpha waited in the elevator before the door slid open with a ding.
"Form 3817, stamp 18394."
"Form 5839, stamp 38592."
"Form 2792, stamp 28894."
The first floor had an blue office full of Elsens - they were all preoccupied with signing piles of forms to retrieve the sought out plastic.
"Hey." Alpha called out, betting on a long shot. "Do any of you saps know where the postal service is?"
"Form 2937, stamp 95032."
"Form 6937, stamp 73913."
"Form 9857, stamp 48056."
"Yeah thanks." He whispered to The Batter, "This is going to take forever."
"Hmm... let's check out what they have on the top floor." The Batter commented. He put in '99999' and hit the button; it would be awhile before they reached the top.
Awkward elevator music played as they ascended."So, why are you out for this Dedan guy?" Alpha questioned as they rode the elevator up.
The Batter wasn't really much for small talk, but he decided to humor the Add-On. "He's the guardian of Zone 1."
"Guardian?"
"Yes. Each of the Zones have a guardian."
"Huh. These guardian people sound important. ...What the hell do they have to do with the ghosts, though? Dedan doesn't seem to be the chief of the specters, even if he's a dick..."
"..." Unfortunately, The Batter chose not to answer him, effectively killing the conversation. It took a few minutes before the elevator reached the top.
The doors slid open, and it revealed a familiar cat on the rooftop. "Ah yes, the ectoplasmic executioners." It was The Judge, grinning at them with the wide, toothy smile of his. "What summoned you to the top of Shachihata's domain? Are you here to admire the gorgeous plastic with me?"
"No. We're looking for the post office." The Batter answered.
"Ah yes. As I recall, plastic deliveries have slowed down the moment this zone's guardian returned to his station; I believe that the specters are plaguing the place as well." The Judge explained. "I don't quite remember the exact floor the postal service is located on, but I do have helpful advice regarding this: an Elsen on the ground floor has been subconsciously mentioning the floor number as a stamp. Heed my advice well." With that, The Judge went back to looking over the edge of the building.
"Alright. Alpha, let's... go?" The Batter saw the Add-On dip over the rooftop; Alpha apparently found that flying down the side of the building was much faster than taking the elevator. "...Very well then." The Batter went into the elevator and started descending, alone. He whistled a tune called 'The Fourteen Residents' as he went downward. Finally, he reached his destination.
"Form 4829, stamp 2848-"
Alpha knocked the Elsen to the floor. "Tell me! Who's the blabbermouth that keeps repeating the same thing around here!"
The Elsen simply brushed himself off and continued without a beat. "Form 4829, stamp 28487..."
Alpha noticed The Batter emerging from the elevator. "This is hopeless."
The Batter turned his head. "What about him?"
He looked over to an Elsen, who, appearance-wise, didn't seem different from the others. But.. "Form 2749, stamp 10258. Form 2750, stamp 10258. Form 2751, stamp 10258..."
"Let's go."
As he walked back to the elevator, Alpha grumbled, "Of course, you find it immediately." But who was he to complain about getting work done faster? He joined The Batter as he finished typing in what floor they were going to. A minute or two of waiting later and they emerged.
The floor they were on wasn't an office; it was full of crates, which were filled with forms and parcels. Smells of plastic permeated from the packages. They were definitely in the post office. However, The Batter could immediately tell something was off. "...Nobody?" The postal service floor was silent. The two heroes cautiously strode through the room, looking over the crates for signs of life. As they neared the staircase to the next floor, someone finally showed up.
An Elsen walked down the stairs, but one could immediately tell there was something wrong with him: he was more frightful than the usual Elsen, and the pitch of his breathing was drastically higher. "...Someone... help me..."
"What's your problem?" Alpha asked.
"...I am very... afraid..." The Elsen let out one last gasp before his head exploded. A stream of condensed smoke and blood flowed out of him, as if he was a volcano. "Heeelllpppp..."
"Holy shit!" Alpha was genuinely afraid.
The Batter's showed no signs of a lowered resolve as he gave the former Elsen a Wide Angle. "That's a Burnt. When Elsens are highly stressed, they turn into this." He readied the new bat he purchased from Zacharie, almost eager to give it a test drive. "Purification in progress." He swung at the Burnt, who would have surely panicked and cried had he stayed an Elsen. The Burnt counter-attacked, punching The Batter in the face. He growled and readied up for another strike.
"...Do I really have to fight that...?" Alpha was a tad guilty; he would hurt an Elsen, yes, but kill one? He pondered this over for a bit before concluding that this would be a mercy kill, as the Burnt was in clear suffering. He rammed into the Burnt, knocking it over. Before it could get back up, The Batter stepped on his stomach, raised his bat over his head, and slammed it down.
As the Burnt began to fade away like all ghosts, an image of its previous Elsen head appeared in the smoke. "Maybe... the suit's taken control of his brain..." With that, the Elsen was gone, leaving behind some blood that had spurted out of it.
"Strange." The Batter commented.
"Well, when a guy's head fucking explodes and he turns into a specter, then yes, I suppose that is strange." Alpha snarked. He paused for a moment. "...Well, what are we waiting for? Let's hunt down Dedan; if he's screaming like usual, then we could find him easily."
Unfortunately, when they got to the next floor, they did not hear Dedan's usual frustrated yelling. Instead though, they ran into another Burnt. "He... hhhhgh... fired... all of us..."
The Batter tilted his head. "What?"
"We were... unattentive. He... hhrgh..." The Elsen made a high-pitched breathing noise. "He blamed us... for the... specters... we did not, haahhh, warn him. And now... we join the specters..." Just like the last one, the Elsen's head exploded as the smoke escaped his body, metamorphosing into a Burnt.
One short battle later and the Burnt was also down. The Batter noticed Alpha's silence. "Trust me. It's better this way."
"...If you say so..."
They continued on through the rows of boxes. Then, The Batter found something peculiar on one of the desks. "There's something weird written on this... 'First Edition: They are wrapped six feet under, wrapped in hot metal and liquid plastic.'"
"...This is a dumb puzzle, isn't it?" Alpha groaned.
"Probably." The Batter huffed. "Remember what these say, because I have the feeling that we'll find more of them." The two continued through the post office. Other than disgruntled postal service workers, they fought Tiburces, which were rat-like specters that had an attack that drained their competence, which isn't very good. They found more sheets of paper, which bared more weird messages. As The Batter and Alpha found more and more of these, The Batter realized that there was a secret code behind the messages; the numerical value mentioned in the messages make up the code, while the 'Edition' indicated which place the number went into. Alright, so this fanfic is a little walkthrough-ish, so what?
The two then found one normal Elsen, who held up a barricade that blocked a lift. Alpha looked at him appraisingly. "How come your head isn't exploding like all the other sad weirdos?"
"I... wasn't fired. I've been ordered to, uh... guard the secret lift." The Elsen paused. "...There... um, isn't a secret lift. You didn't... hear me say that."
"...Will you let us pass?" asked The Batter.
"No... unless you have... the secret, um, code?"
"The password is 681452." the baseball player clad crusader read off from his memory.
"That is... correct. ...H-how... w-wait..." The Elsen coughed up a thick bit of smoke. "You... I-I-I've been told about you! You.. must not... PASS!" He made one last cough before his head exploded and he went Burnt.
"Not again..." Alpha muttered; at this point, the Add-On had fought so many Burnts that he felt more annoyed than guilty.
Since the Burnt was solo, it didn't take The Batter and Alpha very much effort to defeat him. As the Burnt laid dying, he muttered, "I'm.. heading to Alma... i-it will be nice..." The Burnt then faded away, along with the barricade. The two victors proceeded into the lift, which had only two available buttons (ground floor and Director's Office). The Batter slammed the 'Director's Office' button and the elevator started to rise up to an unknown point in the building.
"...miserable bastards! Piss off!" Those were the first words that The Batter and Alpha heard when they emerged; Dedan was clearly screaming at something. They hurried into the next room, which was a nice office with a desk and pools of plastic on the sides for decoration. Dedan himself was preoccupied with the mass of Half-Blind Specters and Tiburces that surrounded him. "This is my zone! You ain't got the right to be here!" He produced a glowing aura in his hands and threw his fist at the specters; half of the ghosts were defeated in a single blow. He turned his attention to the rest of the unfortunates. "Get outta my sight, phantoms of shit!" He eliminated the ghosts just as easily. "...Huff... My schedule's ruined, there are specters everywhere... how could this get any wors-" He turned and saw the baseball player and the Add-On. "You've gotta be kidding me! It has to be you, isn't it? It just has to be you!"
"Excuse me?" The Batter said; he hasn't done anything to Dedan. Yet.
"You! You're the phantom lord that's brought all these damn specters here!" Dedan ranted. "It took me years to build up Zone 1 to be this prosperous, and I refuse to let you guys ruin it! Fuck off!"
"You are mistaken." The Batter said, with slight annoyance at being accused of being a specter. "I am a purifier. I'm here to fight the evil spirits."
"What? I wasn't talking to you, you sport-pajama wearing clown!" Dedan snapped, which prompted an angry growl from The Batter. He instead pointed at Alpha. "You! You're the source of all of my problems! Why must you be such a pain in the ass?"
"What." Alpha felt insulted. "I'm not one of those shithead ghosts!"
"How dare you speak back? How dare you copy my mannerisms? You asshole!"
"I'm the asshole? What about you, yelling at those pathetic but undeserving Elsens?"
"They deserve it for being yapping morons! Now shut up!"
"Do you want to start something with me?"
"Bring it on, you piece of-"
"Will you both shut up?" The Batter requested sternly.
"...Hmph. Your clown friend is right. Alright, look, I'm going to make this simple. Get outta my zone, and take your goddamn specters with you... or I'll kill you. Got that?" Dedan started to flash as halos of light surrounded him. "If I ever see you again... you're dead." The angry inspector teleported away, leaving the two alone in his office.
"...There is only one place to go now to get him." The Batter said with a small grin, as he marched back to the elevator.
"Where are we going?"
"We're heading to Alma. We're going to have a proper fight with the guardian of Zone 1." The Batter said as the doors opened.
The story is now on PAUSE
Author's Note: I changed a few things that was in the original game (not counting Alpha's actions, of course):
* As Zacharie said, Dedan is obsessed with keeping a schedule. Seeing as he's the overseer of most of the game world's workforce, I thought it would be a neat idea.
* Zacharie's fourth wall awareness got an upgrade.
* I excluded the alternate path in the mines, which led to a horde of Half-Blind Specters and stat boosting items in the game. I did not write it in because it seemed irrelevant, and The Batter isn't someone to get sidetracked.
* The other accessible floor in the postal office is also removed for irrelevancy.
* The Elsens reason for going Burnt was originally fear in the game; it's been changed to stress from losing their jobs.
Also, I bet you guys are wondering who the chief of the specters is. This question goes unanswered in the game and the whole thing seems to get dropped, but, as you can see, The Batter has a new goal of pursuing Dedan, so he either believes that Dedan is the chief of the specters, or Dedan is a much more important target. Well, who knows? Certainly not you guys, unless you play OFF. Seriously, play it, so that this story would make more sense to you non-players.