Author's note: Hey, guys! The nonsense train is back in town! Get on board and enjoy the ride!

Reviews create friendship rainbows.

Chapter Five: Polly Pocket Monster

"Last time, on Pokéball Z..." the narrator said in an epic echoey voice. He paused. "Wait a minute... Holy crud, we're using an accent on the 'e' now? Intentionally? Huh. I guess ravengal stopped being a lazy piece of-"

"Hey!" Misty called out. "Isn't it about time we got back to parodying Pokémon and not talking about the stupid author?"

"Yes, yes, alright... though stop breaking the fourth wall... Anyway! Last time, on Pokéball Z... there were fairies! And stereotypes! And cliffs! And contests that we'll probably never get to! I mean, seriously, who the heck wants to read about a contest? With all the flowery wording and the lack of interesting- Is that the town up ahead?"

"Oh, my gosh!" May cried. "Am I actually gonna get to compete in the legendary contest that's been alluded to since chapter one?"

"Nawww, impossible," Ash replied. "ravengal (with a small 'r') wrote that detail at the last minute! She never intended the fic to go past the first chapter, never mind you actually getting to the contest! Right, raveng-?"

"Stop talking to the author!" Misty yelled, pulling on Ash's ear. "I've had it up to here, hearing all about her! It's time for more us!"

"... You're right. You know, you're right!" He pulled away from her hand. "It's time to continue my journey to be a Pokémon Master!" He broke into song. "I wanna be the very best~! Like no one ever was~!"

"Yeah!" Dawn cheered. "You can do it, Ash!"

"... I really don't think he can, at this point," Misty replied.

"Oh, come on!" May said with a smile. "You're being overly harsh. I mean, he's only ten. He's got plenty of time to grow!"

"... He's been ten since the author was ten."

"... So?"

"At the time of writing this chapter, she's twenty-six."

May and Dawn's eyes widened as they turned to Ash. The trainer, not the substance.

"Really?" Dawn asked.

"How do you do it?" May asked.

"Fountain of youth?"

"Magical spell?"

"Demonic soul-stealing?"

"Plot contrivances?"

"Cruddy writing?"

"Anyway!" Ash said quickly. He looked around. "Where are Brock, Max and Tracey? I haven't heard them being annoying for a while."

"The author forgot to write them in," Misty replied, "so she told them to leave for now."

Ash grinned. "Aww, sweet! That means I get my own harem!" He rubbed just under his nose, in the manner of a true shounen main character. "Aww, yeah~!"

Misty beamed at him. "Sure thing, Ash!" She paused for dramatic effect. "When you're older!"

May played a guitar riff, while a pair of sunglasses fell on Misty's face.

"Spoilsports..."

"Help!" a woman cried. "My Pokémon's not obeying me like the slave it's supposed to be!"

"Heroooo!" Ash cried, running over to help.

"Help!" a man cried. "I fell for a very obvious trap set by Team Rocket!"

"Heroooo!" Ash cried, running over to help.

"Help!" a young boy cried. "I can't catch this incredibly weak Pokémon!"

"Heroooo!" Ash cried, running over to help.

"Help!" a young girl cried. "I can't open this pickle jar!"

"I'm the heroooo!" Ash cried, running over to help.

"Are we ever gonna get to this blasted contest?!" May yelled.

For some unknown reason, Ash decided to jump off the nearest building. Fifty feet in the air.

"I waaaanna be a hero~! Pokémon Advanced~!"

"... Why must he always do this?" Misty asked. "And when did his ideals change?"

"We will be heroes~! We can change the world, if we tryyyy~!"

"Dunno," Dawn replied, "but no need to worry! Someone always catches him at the bo-" There was an almighty crunch. "... Never mind."

The four humans and three Pokémon (that had yet to speak, due to currently being unimportant to the story, but, trust me, they're there) stared up at the building in front of them.

May's eyes sparkled. "It's finally happening!" she squealed. "My lifelong dream of obtaining another ribbon, only to lose in the Grand Festival, then go on to a different region, is finally being realised!"

"I know!" Dawn replied. "It's-" She suddenly spotted something. "Hey, is that the guys?"

They all turned to see Max dragging Brock by the ear, while Brock was crying something about Nurse Joy and how he'd never find another woman like her anywhere in the world. Tracey was following after them, drawing a picture of Max dragging Brock by the ear, while Brock was crying something about Nurse Joy and how he'd never find another woman like her anywhere in the world. And Croagunk... was staring directly at the camera with a creepy grin on his face. Eep.

"Hey, Max is good for something, after all!" May said.

"Hey!" Misty yelled. "Ensuring Brock stays celibate is my job!" She stormed over and grabbed Brock's other ear.

"Hey, leggo!" Max yelled, tugging harder.

"No, you leggo!" Misty tugged harder.

"Hey! Ow!" Brock cried. "I don't approve of abusing me for comedy!"

Croagunk decided to shove a Poison Jab up Brock's butt, for good measure.

"Haha, Brock's in pain!" Ash said, spewing the popcorn he'd randomly been eating everywhere.

"... Hey, Pikachu?" Buneary asked.

"Yeah, what?" Pikachu replied.

"Ten berries says Brock'll eventually get a girlfriend!"

"... I won this bet the moment you finished that sentence. Now, pay up."

"... Yeah... I guess this world will forever be..." She put on some sunglasses. "A Brock-blocker. YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!"

"... That joke was lame."

"Aww."

Inside the building, tickets in hand, May was bouncing up and down so fast that she was drilling a hole through the floor. Literally. She was halfway to Kalos already. Dawn was turning her paper around, trying to figure out if her number was ninety-six or sixty-nine.

Suddenly, music started playing.

Awhh! Girl, that look at body~! Awhh! Girl, look at that body~! Drew shuffled across the room. Awhh! Girl, look at that body~! Awhh!

He held up a hand and stopped the music. Then he procured a glass of water from nowhere and dumped it on himself. Shaking it off in slow motion, he, yet again, made the very air around him sparkle.

"Hey, Drew!" May said.

"... Does he always greet you like that?" Dawn asked.

"Like what?"

"Hey, May," Drew said in what, by all rights, should be the silkiest voice known to man. In actual fact, he sounded like a bratty little kid. Or like he had a bad cold, depending on which dub you're watching.

May smiled at him. "Beautifly said to stop leaving messages on his/her answering machine, because he/she is not interested in Pokémon/human relations!" She paused. "Oh, unless you start growing flowers out of your hair. He/she calls dibs on the nectar."

Drew swept his hair back dramatically. "Hmph. Alright, then. Guess I'm off to grow flowers out of my hair. I shall return, Beautifly-senpai! And then... then you will notice me."

As he walked away, the music started up again.

I'm sexy and I know it~! He switched to shuffling away. I'm sexy and I know it~!

"Tsk!" a voice said. "That guy is, like, such a total poser... Hmm? Hey, May-doll~!"

"Harley!" May replied happily. "My best friend who's never tried to be mean or underhanded towards me in any way! Hi~!"

Rushing over, Harley giggled like the schoolgirl he is. "Hiiii, best friend I only wanna strangle slightly!"

"Strangle?" Dawn asked.

"Yep! She, like, totally looks exactly like the witch in kindergarten who ate my snackie!" His face took on a dark look. "Never forgive. Never forget."

May laughed. "My rivals were so condescending back in the day!" she said.

"Hey, Dawn," a voice said.

"Oh, hey, Zoey!" Dawn replied.

"Sup."

"Oh, not much."

"... What the heck?!" May cried. "A friendly rival?! One who isn't out to either belittle your efforts or stab you in the back?! What is this witchcraft?!"

"Hey, Dawn," another voice said.

"Oh, hey, Kenny!" Dawn replied.

"How's it going?"

"Oh, good, thanks!"

"Oh, COME ON!" May yelled.

Meanwhile, in the stands...

"Paul-senpai~!" Ash cried, making sure to sit right next to his best friend in the whole world. "What are you doing here? I didn't know you liked contests! Or socialising!"

"I don't," Paul replied, not looking at him. "I'm only here to sneer at people who fail. Like you. So, allow me to tell you why you suck at life."

"Aww, I love you, too, man!"

"Hey, Ashy-boy!" a voice said. "Don't tell me you've replaced me."

"It's Guh-Guh-Guh-Gary!" Misty said.

"Oh, hey, it's MMMMistehhhh!"

"... Guys, no one will get that reference," Ash said. "Anyway! No, Gary, of course I'd never replace you! You're my special friend that I only resent slightly!"

Gary smirked. "Heh. What's the matter, loser? Jealous of my mad skillz?"

"Uh oh... he's attained jerk status again! Unacceptable!" Ash leapt onto his chair, one foot epically resting on the back of the person sitting in front of him. No one cares about that guy, though. Forming a heart shape with his hands, Ash pointed it at Gary. "Negative heart... lock on! OPEN HEART CARE BEAR STARE OF FRIENDSHIIIIIP!"

A beam of light shot out and engulfed Gary, who screamed in agon- I mean happiness. Happiness at having the evil blasted out of him.

"Urgh... phew... Thanks, Ash! My bestest best friend in the whole world that I would never belittle for being a much worse trainer than me! I randomly wanna be a professor like my grandpa now!"

"Much better, maggot." Ash sat back down.

"Everyone gets a taste of the Care Bear Stare eventually," Misty said. "Even me."

"Oh yeah?" Gary asked.

"Yep. I used to be a jerk like you. Then I took a friendship in the knee."

"Me too!" everyone in the crowd said, holding up their knees.

Ash pouted. "The only one I can't get it to work on is Paul..." he said. "Every time, it just bounces right off... but I'll manipulate your heart one day, Paul! One day..."

"I have no heart," Paul replied.

"So, who is the old man, anyway?" Gary asked, motioning towards Paul.

"Oh, he's my rival!" Ash replied.

"I'm eleven, you waste of space," Paul said.

Gary stared. "You're eleven?!" he asked. "But you look at least twenty!"

"Yeah, he does, doesn't he? He also looks the spitting image of Pyramid King Brandon! I'm totally headcanoning that they're father and son!"

"Pyramid King?" Misty asked, returning Azurill to its Pokéball, because the author can no longer be bothered giving it lines.

"Yeah. Long story. Guy who's part of Paul's angsty backstory that isn't very angsty."

"Ah."

"Hey, Ash!" a voice called out before someone invaded Ash's personal space from behind.

"Oh, hi!" Ash replied. "Uh... who are you again?"

"... Serena?"

"..."

"Your childhood friend?"

"..."

"The one you met in summer camp and bandaged after a nasty fall?"

"..."

"The one whose main reason for existing is to ship with you?"

"... Never heard of you!"

"What a kid," another voice said. "You know who's a kid? He's a kid. Such a kid."

"How delectably delicious for all these tasty ingredients... and, by that, I mean people... to be served in one dish!" another voice said. "The result is a perfect blend of sweet and sour that simply tantalises the taste buds! Food pun, food pun, food pun, food pun..."

"Won't you take my brother's hand in marriage?" another voice asked. "Please? Please?! I'm desperate for a big sister!"

Elsewhere, there was an explosion, followed by a scream. Several members of the audience were now sporting black afros.

"... So, I wonder when the contest's gonna start?" Ash asked with a smile.

Misty sighed beside him.

"... And so..." the narrator said, "as our heroes await the start of the contest... Wait... holy mother of Arceus! We're actually doing this thing?! Lemme read my notes quickly... Oh, sweet Palkia, it's actually happening!" Suddenly, his voice became a booming echo. "As our heroes await the start of the contest, I suddenly feel like this fic is going somewhere! It has direction! Where will it go from here? What exciting adventures await? Tune in next time, for the next exciting instalment of How Do You Get Pikachu Onto A... I mean... Poke Him On!"

To Be Continued...