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15. I don't know.
….
A topless Laurent was jogging up to us at a slow pace but stopped abruptly only meters from where we were standing. I had the feeling he stopped due to my body language, which in every way was telling him to fuck off – excuse my French. To say the least I wasn't happy to see Laurent, it wasn't possible to hate anyone as much as I hated him. My mother always used the phrase, "hate is a strong word and it should never be used lightly," but I know that right now I would be making her proud. I wasn't using the word lightly I truly hated that bastard. I couldn't think of a word stronger than hate but if I could it wouldn't be anywhere close enough to describe the intense amount of dislike I felt towards Laurent. Everything that was upside down in my life was somehow connected to him, he raped one of my best friends, beat up another and he had changed my boyfriend, not to mention he treated everyone around him like shit. Laurent was truly the worst kind of monster and I absolutely loathed him.
"What are you doing here Laurent?" James scathed. His attitude surprised me, James had never shown Laurent any sort of 'disrespect' - not that he ever deserved respect in the first place. Laurent appeared to be taken aback at James's words, just as surprised as I was that he spoke to him that way.
"Whoa James." Laurent raised his hands in mock self defense. "Chill bro, I just came here to congratulate you, that's all." James immediately became tense and I felt his grip on my waist tighten a little. This was beyond awkward. Not that I cared what Laurent thought, I just felt bad for James, it's not easy for a guy to admit to another guy that they were rejected.
"Uh, you jumped the gun on that one," James mumbled. "Bella didn't exactly say yes."
Actually I believe I said no, I thought harshly. I didn't want James getting the wrong idea. I meant what I said, I wanted him to have no doubts about that – I wasn't changing my mind, but I didn't want to hurt him, especially here in front of Laurent, it would only make matters worse.
"Bummer dude," Laurent chuckled, running his hand through his dark hair which was dripping with sweat. "That has to suck." He closed the small gap between us and lightly punched James in the arm in a show of brotherly love. I felt my entire body begin to shake, my fists curling into balls. I couldn't believe that bastard was so close to me. I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to deck him. Ahhhh, I screamed internally. James wrapped his other arm around my waist obviously feeling the anger radiating from my body.
"Geez Man, can you please tell your Mrs. to let up on the death stares. It's making me feel a little unwelcome," Laurent chuckled lightly as he talked directly to James, pretty much ignoring that I was even there. This made me even madder, he was chauvinistic, rude and beyond arrogant.
"Arghh," I exploded. "I can think and act for myself thank you very much. Unlike some of the girls you obviously know." Laurent's eyes met mine as I spoke, his expression becoming cold, the corners of his mouth turned up into a sneer.
"Yea, I guess you're right Bella, the girls I know don't think; that is to say Jess rather liked it when I thought for her." His words were like a slap to the face; it stung and enraged me beyond control. My face burned with the anger I felt and every muscle in my body tightened. I lunged at him but James's grip on my waist prevented me from getting very far. Laurent chuckled to himself. "Thought you would like that," he hissed.
"Let me go James! I'm going to kill him," I screamed, struggling in his arms; I pushed and twisted but his grip only tightened further, he wasn't going to do as I asked.
"Man get hold of your bitch," Laurent groaned. "She's a little over the top don't you think?"
"Give it a rest Laurent," James mumbled. My mouth dropped open; I couldn't believe he was letting Laurent get away with talking to me like that. I felt sick and insignificant, he allowed Laurent to talk down to me and call me names without even the slightest inclination that he cared, as if how I felt didn't even matter. James didn't try to defend me in any way; instead he prevented me from attacking the bastard.
I slowly stopped struggling in James's arms; it was useless he was a lot stronger than me; plus my lack of control seemed to give Laurent some kind of satisfaction. He liked to think of girls as weak and beneath him and he treated them just as he believed.
"Man I don't even know why you want to marry her; she's clearly nuts and doesn't even put out."
"Mind your own fucking business," I spat at him. "And what would you know?" It was a rhetorical question I didn't expect him to answer but when he did I felt all the blood drain from my face.
"Well I do know he hasn't got any from you yet…and from what I saw in the meadow earlier, it doesn't look like he will be getting any, anytime soon." A knowing smile spread across Laurent's face as he took in my expression, he knew exactly what he was saying and exactly how I would react. I felt every hair on my body stand on end, my hands were shaking again, but not because of anger this time but because I felt sick. My stomach dropped to my knees when I realized he had been watching us. I brought my arms across my chest, trying in vain to cover myself I felt utterly vulnerable. I wanted to kill him, but more than anything I wanted to go home and take a long shower. Laurent's words and resulting leer made me feel dirty to the core, it felt like he had gotten under my skin and I didn't like it, I wanted him out.
"You came here to watch us?" I whispered not meeting his gaze. The thought sickened me but I was sure of it, the feeling I had had earlier wasn't me being paranoid. Someone really had been watching us, and that someone was none other than the piece of shit that stood before me.
He chuckled, "Don't flatter yourself; I come here daily for a jog because I live nearby. You guys just happened to be the most exciting thing I had seen around here in a while." He leered further, "but I must admit it was a rather nice view." His expression turned sleazy as he looked me up and down violating me with his eyes, winking and licking his lips. James let out a low growl, warning Laurent to watch himself but I was less controlled.
"You are a pig," I seethed, finding my anger and along with it my voice. I began to struggle with James again, the hurt and anger bringing tears to my eyes, I thrashed in his arms trying to break his hold. When James finally spoke his words were surprisingly directed at me.
"Stop it Bella," he snapped, squeezing me tightly around the waist. The tears were flowing freely now, blurring my vision, it felt like I was being ganged up on. I had every right to be upset, the prick had been watching us and James was acting like it was nothing; like he couldn't give a stuff.
"Get a grip Bella, you're way too sensitive," Laurent griped. He leaned against James's car folding his arms across his bare, sweat covered chest as he sneered at me. He chuckled as my face reddened.
"I want to leave, now," I stressed as I turned to face James, my expression unfathomable. I was pissed not only at Laurent but at him too – there was no excuse for him letting Laurent treat me the way he did. James seemed thoughtful for a moment before he nodded.
Without releasing me James opened the passenger and waited for me to get in, closing and leaning against the door afterward; preventing me from opening it. He appeared to be talking to Laurent for a few moments and they both chuckled at something he said. This infuriated me, I leaned over and honked the horn, causing them both to jump, and it was my turn to snigger as James glared at me through the window. I had said I wanted to go. James rolled his eyes at me and turned to punch Laurent in the arm as he walked around to the driver's side and got in. Laurent made a whipping action and noise as James hopped in which made me even madder so I flipped him off as James did a u-turn ad drove out of the small car-park.
"You just have to learn to ignore him Bells," James sighed, acting as if I was being petty.
"Puh-lease ," I cried. "You have to be kidding, that asshole treated me like shit and you didn't even have the right mind to put him in his place." I crossed my arms over my chest as I glared at him, my jaw jutting out in anger.
"Come on, calm down," he groaned. Oh he seriously did not just go there.
"Calm Down?!" I screamed. "Are you fucken serious James?" He raised his eyebrow at me, clearly unimpressed with my outburst. I ignored him and continued my rant, "He was watching us and then acted like a total sleaze are you saying that didn't get under your skin at all?"
"It was Laurent just being Laurent," he shrugged.
"So are you saying that if Laurent decided he wanted to act out his verbal innuendos it wouldn't matter because he's just being himself?" I questioned sarcastically, but I couldn't help but shudder at my own words. I didn't want to think of Laurent being anywhere near me, it was an unnerving thought. I just needed James to see it my way.
"Of course it would matter," he looked at me disgusted. "But all he did was made an inappropriate comment Bella – no effing big."
"It meant something to me James, I don't like that prick and I don't like the idea of him watching us get it on; saving it for his wank bank." James winced at my harsh words, I wasn't usually this vulgar but I was steaming mad. "How could you let him treat me like that, it was degrading."
"They are just words Bella!"
"It was disrespectful!"
James punched the steering wheel with his fist. "Would you just let it go already!" he shouted, causing me to flinch slightly.
"No!" I shouted stubbornly. "You only let him get away with it because he's your so called friend, if someone else had of spoke to me that way –"
"Like whom?" he interrupted sarcastically.
"Oh I don't know, what about Edward?" I spat, I watched as his hands tightened on the steering wheel and I couldn't help the satisfaction I felt that I had managed to get to him. "If Edward had been watching us and spoke that way you know you would've gone ape shit," I accused. I knew I had hit below the belt but my anger had momentarily caused me to forget the promise I made to myself regarding Edward Cullen and forgetting he existed.
"He wouldn't dare," James growled. I knew he was right, of course Edward wouldn't do that, but it wasn't because he was afraid of James, like James believed, it was because he was a gentleman. He was nothing like that pig that we left back there in car park.
"Don't you understand?" I scathed. "What happened back there hurt me, and if you truly cared, you wouldn't have let him treat me that way."
James didn't answer me or show that he had even heard what I had said.
"God, I thought you wanted to marry me?" I whispered. "I can't marry someone who can't respect me; or who doesn't have the guts to defend me."
James pulled the car over to the curb outside my house but continued to remain silent not looking up as I spoke. It was dark outside but there were a few lights on inside. I was starting to worry that I had gone too far by mentioning Edward's name. But then I remembered what James had let Laurent do and my worry dissipated. I was enraged that he wouldn't even apologize for his actions or Laurent's I couldn't understand where the earlier caring James went. I felt the emotions boil over as tears ran down my face, a side effect of the anger I could no longer contain.
"Fuck you James, you can go get fucked. There is no way I could ever marry you -" My sentence was cut short by James who without even looking at me flung out his arm at me, closing his hand around my throat. He increased the pressure around my throat, pinching my skin, squeezing hard and choking me. At first I was too shocked to even realize what had happened but then the pain set in causing me to kick out at his dash and claw at his arms. James's grip didn't let up it only tightened as I fought with him. I couldn't breathe and when I tried to open my mouth nothing came out but a squeak. I could hear my blood pound loudly in my ears and my sight was beginning to blur; I was going to pass out. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of James's expression; he was unrecognizable. His eyes which were usually a brilliant blue were now dark and his face was flushed red with anger. He wasn't looking at me, but rather through me. The tendons in the arm that gripped me and the ones in his neck bulged with his effort; his brow was covered in sweat.
STOP! I screamed internally, please stop. I tried in vain to reach his face and hit him, but my arms weren't long enough. I thrashed violently under his grip but it only caused me more pain. I was certain that the pressure was going to break my neck, that I was going to pass out and possibly die, I could barely see due to both the tears that streaked my face and the dark spots that filled my vision.
It wasn't until I gave up fighting and my body became still that he let go. I slumped down in my seat gasping for air my throat raw, my vision still blurred; I was on the edge of unconsciousness and was shaking violently.
I clutched at my throat, and winced as my hands met raw and tender skin. I continued to gulp in air even thought it burnt my throat, my vision slowly became clearer, but my tears didn't let up. The shaking was still uncontrollable.
"Get out of the car," he spoke calmly as he unbuckled my seat belt and leaned across my lap to open the door.
I froze terrified unable to react. "I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!"
I quickly grabbed my things as I stumbled out of the car and towards the front door, still dizzy and half blind. It still felt like I couldn't breathe; I clasped one hand to my neck and the skin their stung at my touch, I gasped out loud which cause more pain as the cold air rushed down my sore raw throat. I used one hand to steady myself on the door as I let myself in fumbling up the stairs. Twice I fell over on my way up, smacking my shins on the stairs and my head on the banister. But that pain was miniscule compared with the fire that had claimed my neck. What was worse was that I was in so much shock that I was crying uncontrollably and the sobs that raked my body and my throat only intensified the pain that he had caused me.
Once I made it in my room I closed the door and locked it. My body slumped against its frame as I collapsed into a broken mess on the floor, clawing at the boards as I fought to control the tears that spilled endlessly. All I could do was hope that James had driven off and left me, but my imagination had me jump at every sound thinking that he was coming after me. I began to hyperventilate at the prospect, it terrified me; I didn't lock the door when I entered the house and I was afraid that he would find me in here, and I was terrified of what he would do when he did. It dawned on me that Charlie wasn't home, he would have come to see what was going on by now, I was definitely all alone.
When I heard the front door slam I almost screamed hysterically but managed to cover my mouth with my hand muffling the sound that escaped. If it was James I didn't want him to know where I was. I was torn between staying by the door blocking his entrance and hiding under my bed. My ears pricked with every squeaky floorboard the person downstairs walked over and I completely stopped breathing when I heard the intruder approach the stairs. I couldn't move I was frozen solid on the floor and I had no idea what to do.
I remembered that my phone was in my pocket and I ripped it from my jeans opening it. But who to call? I thought hysterically, the police? I groaned, Charlie was the police and I wasn't sure if I wanted to bring him into this what if he got hurt? The same went for the rest of my friends; I couldn't let them get caught in the middle of it, especially Jake not after I didn't listen to him. Oh Jake, I thought miserably. I'm so sorry, I should have listened.
I couldn't call anyone I didn't want them to see this or go through any of it either. I put down the phone deciding to wait it out and hope like hell that James would leave me alone. I hadn't heard anything in a while and I was beginning to believe he had left. That was until I heard someone climbing the stairs, my heart beat increased dramatically my heart was pounding so hard I was certain it was going to leap out of my chest. I began to shake again and I stared at my phone willing my brain to start working. I needed to get out of here. But I was the second floor, there was no way out. Charlie had removed the fire escape ladder when I was little, hoping to deter me from sneaking out at night when I became a teen. I was trapped; there was no telling what James was going to do if he found me. An involuntary cry escaped my lips before I was able to stop it. I held my breath again, not willing to make another sound, sure that the person had heard my mistake. But whoever it was continued to climb the stairs at the same pace, oblivious to my error.
It was then that I realized Charlie was my only option; he is the only person who would know how to handle this, it was his job after all. I just didn't want him to know, I felt so stupid and weak for letting this happen. But I had to do something, James was going to find me soon and I could only hope that Charlie could get here quickly. I dialed Charlie's number in a panic as I heard the intruder reach the top stair; it took me two tries to get the number right as my hands trembled uncontrollably as I hit the buttons. I bit down on my lip hard trying to prevent the scream was inevitable and willed myself to concentrate, I could taste the blood in my mouth as my bite broke skin. Please, I begged the phone as it rang. Please pick up, I sobbed.
An out of place song began to ring from the hallway outside my door, it took me only seconds to realize it was Charlie's ring tone exactly at the same time he answered. "Bella?"
"Dad!" I screamed from inside my room. I couldn't help as I broke down sobbing hysterically in relief. It's only Charlie, I told myself mentally trying to calm down. It didn't work, I was crying loudly now and was certain that Charlie would hear me. I didn't care, I needed my dad badly right now, and I needed him to make me feel safe. I would deal with everything else later.
"Bella are you alright?" he called out as he thundered down the hall to my room, he begun to push my door handle up and down with force. "Bella let me in," he panicked in response to my hysterics. I reached up slowly and unlocked my door, just as Charlie threw the full weight of his body into it. He came crashing into my room and onto the floor, gasping as the wind was knocked from his lungs. I scrambled to his aide checking if he was alright. He rolled over onto his back and looked at me for the first time.
I must have been a sight because he gasped. "Bella what's wrong," he whispered quietly. His eyes were searching my face as I opened my mouth slightly but then closed it, I was unable to speak. I shook my head softly and swallowed the lump in my throat. Tears still spilled down my face as Charlie took me in his arms. "Oh sweetie it's ok, what happened?" he cooed in my ear. I felt my body go limp in his warm safe arms, I hadn't hugged Charlie like this since I was little but it felt good, I loved my dad, and in this embrace I could feel that he loved me. My hands clenched his shirt and my tears stained the material as I held on to him and he seemed just as content holding me rubbing my back softly in reassurance. I had to hand it to him, Charlie didn't do tears but he was doing rather well with a full blown meltdown.
It felt like forever that we sat there that way, I was cradled in his arms like a child crying silently into his shirt, while he comforted me by telling me everything was ok. Finally Charlie decided to ask again what was wrong. I froze at his words, I wasn't ready to tell him and I didn't think I could. He leaned back from my embrace holding me tightly by the shoulders, while I still clung to his shirt with my fists, I couldn't let go. "Bella?" he questioned, staring at my face. Finally he looked further gasping as he looked at my neck.
"Jesus Bella! Your neck," he was shaking now, and had let go of me entirely. He brought one hand up slowly to touch the marks that were obviously there. Grabbing my chin softly between his thumb and forefinger he turned my face from side to side, inspecting the damage to my neck. "Jesus," he whispered again. He dropped his hand quickly when I winced. I looked up to meet my father's gaze and noticed he was clearly distraught and angry at the same time. His eyes were shiny with what looked like brimming tears.
"Who did this to you?" He asked firmly. His hands were balled into fists at his side. I didn't know what to say, I was scared of his reaction. I shook my head slightly; I couldn't tell him, I was too scared, I wasn't ready. Charlie took me by the shoulders again shaking me slightly.
"Bella please, who?"
Tears filled my eyes and began to spill over; in response Charlie pulled me roughly into his embrace again; clutching me to his chest.
"Who did this to you Bella…who could do this to you?" his voice shook as he spoke and it was barely above a whisper. A sharp cry escaped my mouth as I opened it in reply.
"I don't know," I cried into his shoulder and then softer. "I just don't know."
The truth was that I wasn't lying; I didn't know who did this to me. That wasn't James out there, it was someone else. I didn't know who that person was; they were a stranger to me. It was a completely different person to the one I had known, the one who had proposed to me in the park, the one I thought I loved.
That wasn't my James, I repeated to myself. He wouldn't do this to me, he couldn't. The only problem was that it was James who had hurt me, and I couldn't escape the fact that he had.