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30. We need to talk.

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EPOV

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I parked my Volvo quickly and hastily got out of the car, grabbed my bag off the backseat, and set out for class. I tried my best to ignore Alice's inane chatter about the prom coming up and what she was going to wear. If I didn't know my sister better, I would have said she was doing considerably well, considering what I had told her and Jasper yesterday, but I did know my sister and I knew that wasn't the case.

She was talking non-stop, per usual, but her voice was a little higher pitched than normal and I could tell she was rambling in an effort to either help me, or her, or the both of us forget what had happened to Bella. But it really wasn't working.

Alice was fidgeting endlessly with the end of her dress and she had dark circles under her eyes. I could tell that she hadn't slept well last night, just as I hadn't and the double shot of caffeine she had this morning was only working to keep her on edge. She was wearing all black, which was always a dead give away to how Alice was feeling, she always dressed according to her mood. Typically she wore bright flamboyant colors that matched her personality but today was different. Today, she was sad.

I knew she meant well, but my sister was driving me insane. I managed to block out most of her chatter as I scanned the car park for Bella's red truck. I didn't want to think about prom and insignificant things like that. All I could think about was Bella and whether she was okay.

She isn't here yet, I thought sadly to myself. We had gotten to school early, mainly as a result of neither Alice nor I being able to sleep, but I was really hoping I could catch up with Bella before class to make sure she was alright. I guess I would have to wait for biology and hoped she showed.

We caught up with Jasper on the walk to the cafeteria and he slung his arm around Alice before kissing her forehead. He gave me a slight nod which I returned before we took our seats at our usual spot and waited for Rosalie and Emmett to show. I could tell Jasper was still feeling uneasy around me and I couldn't blame him, I did attack him. Alice had told me that he was racked with guilt that he absolutely blamed himself for James' most recent attack against Bella, but that wasn't fair. Alice said he was worried that I hated him for what happened because he had fought me in every step I took to get closer to Bella. But it wasn't the case, Alice helped me understand why Jasper wanted me to keep away and it made sense. She had belonged to someone else, I should have kept away. But it was impossible and now she belonged to me, or really I belonged to her and it was yet to be determined whether she would become mine.

I knew I had some part in what had happened to Bella. It was obvious that James was upset with her whenever he found her in my company. I didn't doubt that when she said they fought about someone, she was referring to me. It had been my fault, if I had just listened to Jasper and stayed away he may never have had the reason to get mad with her. Not that being angry with someone ever justified abusing them. But if I had stayed away she still might be with that bastard and I couldn't let myself feel too much guilt over not staying away anymore. This thought process had kept me up most the night, along with the fact that I had lost my cool in front of her.

What an idiot.

She had been in an abusive relationship and I had to go and show her my violent side. Given, it was in reaction to what had happened to her and it was never directed at her, it was still stupid and I wouldn't be surprised if she decided to steer clear of me. That thought alone almost brought on a panic attack every time I remembered my idiocy.

Last night I freaked out when I started thinking about this and stupidly I got up in the middle of the night, rolled my car far enough from the house so Carlisle and Esme wouldn't hear me leave, and I drove to her house. Someone would have thought I made the perfect stalker as I sat outside Bella's but I kept telling myself I was just there to protect her-that I needed to be closer, for both our sakes. I couldn't shake the feeling that James might come after her while she slept. And it didn't matter that he would have to be crazy to break into the house of the Chief of Police, I wasn't going to leave her unprotected.

When Rose arrived at our table with Emmett at her side, I was shaken from my thoughts. Rosalie didn't fail to notice what Alice was wearing and made some sort of comment about her obviously drinking too much on Saturday night. Alice just smiled half-heartedly in response and Rosalie didn't fail to miss her upset manner but seemingly, decided not to bring up.

Alice gave me a look as we got up to leave the cafeteria for class, reminding me that I had to talk to Bella. I nodded in confirmation and saw Jasper out the corner of my eye watching the exchange. I hadn't told Alice that I wasn't planning on talking to Bella at school. I couldn't risk her freaking out again and I wanted to break it to her gently. I knew she was going to throw a fit when she found out that I had told Jazz and Ali and if she had any trust in me left after my reaction yesterday, it would undoubtedly be lost when she knew I had betrayed her.

I was so lost in my thoughts as I walked in the direction of my first class that I walked straight into someone knocking them to the floor as I left the cafeteria, an electric shock as our skins touched told me straight away that I had just sent Bella Swan sprawling to the ground.

"Shit," she grumbled as she attempted to stand up. I reached down to give her a hand and when she turned to thank me she had to quickly cover the look of shock that crossed her face.

"Oh thanks," she mumbled self consciously as she dusted herself off.

"Jeez, I'm sorry Bell's. I wasn't really watching where I was going. You okay?" I apologized. She gave me an awkward smile and waved her hand dismissing my apology.

"I average a fall every ten minutes, if it wasn't you that I collided with, it would have been someone else." I chuckled at her response and she blushed a little in return. I loved the way she was so easily embarrassed, modesty was one of her many endearing features.

I'm more than happy to take the place of anyone you plan on bumping into, I thought sheepishly. I was about to tell her my thoughts when she spoke.

"I should be getting to class," she said, nodding to the door behind her; it appeared I was in her way.

"Oh, sorry," I mumbled, taking a step to the side. I stared at her for awhile, trying to find something to say next but I was at a loss for words, short of bringing up what had happened yesterday-and I wasn't ready to do that quite yet. She caught me staring and ducked her head quickly, blushing self consciously again.

She looked up at me and gave a small smile which didn't quiet reach her eyes before ducking her head again, it worried me. "Hey, are you okay?"I started, trying to hide my panic. It appeared, I had a tendency to overact where her and her wellbeing were concerned.

She nodded softly in return. "I really should be going," she said quietly, not looking me in the eye. She was lying, something was upsetting her.

Well of course something is you idiot.

Right now, I wanted nothing more than to hold her and touch her, to wrap her in my arms and kiss her on her previously red cheeks. I wanted her to be okay. A world in which Bella did not smile was not a happy place, it was an unholy abomination and I would give anything to change it.

"Bella," I began, reaching out to put my hand on her arm, but I dropped it quickly to my side as she stepped out of my reach. I couldn't tell if she did it purposely or not and the thought caused my heart to squeeze.

"Sorry got to go," she muttered, ducking her head as she hurried away and out of my grasp.

Fuck, I thought to myself as I watched her disappear, panic rooting me to the spot I was standing, paralyzing me with extreme fear. I had definitely stuffed up somewhere. I scared her off and now she didn't want anything to do with me, my heart almost stopped at the thought. I had to close my eyes, braced myself against the wall beside me, and took a deep breath to calm myself.

You don't need to panic yet, I told myself. There was bound to be some awkwardness between us after the weekend, our 'little' make out session, and what she had told me and my reaction. I just had to hope that it wouldn't last, that she wasn't actually upset or mad with me as I feared.

Suddenly, the fact that I had been anticipating Biology, in the hopes of seeing Bella, seemed ironic. Now, I was terrified of seeing her again, especially with what I had to tell her. I couldn't bear to see her reject me, or the sadness in her eyes when she realized I had let her down, just as James had. I wanted to be her savior, her safe place, someone she could feel comfortable with, someone who could protect her, someone she trusted. But I stuffed up the moment I smashed my fist into the wall at her revelation. I had already done irreparable damage. Even when I kissed her back when she was too drunk, I undoubtedly broke what trust she had already given me. Telling Jasper and Alice what had happened would be the last straw.

If she doesn't already hate you, she soon will, my inner monologue mocked.

"Shit," I muttered to myself as I left using the door Bella had just walked through, thinking that I'd pretty much gone and lost everything before ever having it to begin with.

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BPOV

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God, I can't believe I just bumped into him. What a great start to the day, I thought sarcastically, brushing my hair from my eyes as I hurried to class.

Basically, my plan for the day was to avoid Edward at all costs. I had even given thought to ditching Biology if I had to. But now it was too late, he already knew I was at school and if I ditched now, he would probably come looking for me.

I noticed the hurt in his eyes as I brushed him off and it pained me to know that I was the cause of it. I didn't want to hurt him, quite the opposite really. I cared for Edward more than I had cared for any other male, besides Jake and Charlie-more than I had ever cared for James, even and that scared me. I barely knew Edward but I trusted him unconditionally, I was falling in love with him and that was stupid.

Two weeks, I thought helplessly. In the two weeks I had known Edward, my entire world had changed and he became an important part of it. Without him in my world in some form, it seemed as if everything would stop, existence as I knew it, love as I dreamt of it, would all vanish.

Yes, I was definitely beginning to fall for him and it worried me to no end. I was bad news. I had the best knack for ruining things. Everything and anyone who came into contact with me changed for the worst or suffered.

I was the reason my parents stayed together. Because of me, they got married and lived miserably together for almost fourteen years. Because of me, my mother broke my father's heart and took off with another man. Because of me, Jess and Laurent met and well you know what happened there. If I hadn't of been with James, if I hadn't insisted that she came with me to the senior party, she would still be here and she would be whole, not the shell of the person she used to be.

Then you can add in Jake and me. I was so blinded by my brotherly love for Jake that I failed to realize he felt more for me than he should have. I had ignored everyone else's perception of us, and assumed my own, he was my best friend, and now I had ruined our friendship.

And then there's James, he didn't use to be the person that I've come to know, or maybe I just didn't know him like I thought I did. That is what scares me the most. I barely know Edward and I'm already infatuated with him. It isn't healthy and I can't help but fear that it will turn out the same, if we ever got there. Not that I thought Edward was even a smidgen like James, but in reality I just didn't know him at all. And it seemed I couldn't trust my judgment as far as I could (for the lack of a better term) throw it.

No, I wasn't worth the trouble of knowing, and I either had to make sure Edward knew that, or I had to pretend I didn't want anything to do with him. That thought alone was enough to shatter my heart and soul into a million pieces. As much as I wanted to protect Edward from all the pain and hurt I would undoubtedly cause him, the selfish part of me wanted to give into my longing and just be with him.

I sighed inwardly as I approached my first class. Today was going to be a long one, especially if I kept having all these inner battles. I hoped I could make it without freaking out or breaking down, I hadn't been to school a full week in god knows how long and it was starting to worry me since finals were only around the corner. It also didn't help that I was still nursing a small hangover from Saturday night-you would think I would be over it by now, but no such luck.

I had spent most of my Sunday moping around with afore hangover and a guilty conscious. Charlie didn't seem to notice though and for that I was grateful. He didn't give me too much of an earful for taking off to Rosalie's and to the party when he had specifically told me not to. I guess the reason for that was the threat I issued him with, something I felt terribly sick about. I shouldn't have done that to get my own way. It was manipulative and I could tell I had really hurt his feelings. Not that he would ever admit it, when I tried to apologize, he just smiled and said he understood.

I was becoming a horrible person, snapping at my best friend, lying to people and then sharing things that I shouldn't. I just wish life had a special button you could push, like the ones on gaming consoles, so I could just reset and start again. Unfortunately, things don't work that way and all I have is the hope that everyone I love would be okay, that they could forgive me and I could move on and one day not remember this past month.

Was that too much to ask?

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Biology class rocked around far too quickly, and even though I was lucky to have it as my last class of the day, I was worn out and not in the mood. All day I avoided Edward like the plague. I didn't want to be alone with him, I was afraid, not of him of course, but of what he would have to say. I knew I was being a coward and eventually I would have to face him and the consequences of what I had done and said to him, but I wasn't ready.

It didn't help that on the way to class I had walked past James who tried to stop and talk to me. I ignored him and he had left me alone, thankfully, but it had caused me a near fatal panic attack and I wasn't sure my heart would ever start beating normally again. Getting all my emotions in check from that one encounter was hard enough and now I was left drained of all want or desire to act okay.

I dropped my bag and my book's at my usual seat and thanked god Edward wasn't here yet. At least that gave me time to mentally and physically prepare myself for when he did show.

I smiled warmly at Angela as she took her seat at the table next to ours. As a test and she gave me a smile back, that at least let me hope my acting was up to par, Ang was one of the most perceptive people I knew and her not sensing something wrong was good. I took three deep breaths and then settled myself comfortably in my chair, resting my head in my arms on the desk.

When Edward entered the room, as per usual, I couldn't help but smile to myself. He really was superbly good looking and I couldn't believe I had had the chance to kiss him, even if I did throw myself at him.

As he walked over he gave me a smile that seemed a bit apprehensive and made my stomach twist. This couldn't be good. Even though I was planning on making it clear I didn't actually want to be with him, which was a total and utter lie, I felt sick wondering if maybe he felt the same way. I did air my dirty laundry to him, I couldn't blame him really for thinking I was damaged goods. Because, that's exactly what I was.

I felt my heart quicken and my palms become sweaty as he took his usual place next to me.

Do I say something? What do I do? I started to panic. But before I could kick my brain into gear he answered for me.

"Hey," he said softly, giving me an equally soft smile that almost instantly melted away all my fears. Almost being the operative word.

"Hi," I replied quietly, trying to give him a warm smile in return but it probably looked like I grimaced. Embarrassed I opened my textbook and mindlessly flipped through the pages until I landed on the topic for today. I could sense Edward watching my movements, causing me to grow more and more uncomfortable by the minute. In the end I was so unnerved, I just wanted him to spit it out, tell me what he was thinking. I didn't even care anymore. Anything would be better than the immense tension I could feel building between us.

Finally, I gave in and turned to face him, raising an eyebrow to give him an expression that screamed, 'what are you looking at?'At my bluntness Edward blushed, something I had never seen him do before. It almost made me feel more in control, the fact that I could have the same effect on him that he had on me, seemed to even the field a little.

"Um," he started. "I was wondering if we could go somewhere and talk after class."

There they were again, the butterflies in my stomach. They seemed to be having a field day with that comment.

"I-I uh," I began. I didn't know what to say.

No? I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to hear what you have to say, especially if it has something to do with what I told you, or even worse how what we did was a mistake.

Nope, I couldn't very well tell him that.

"Is there something you would like to share with the class Miss Swan?" Mr. Banner called from the front of the class. It appeared he could hear Edward and me talking and we had interrupted him.

"N-no Sir, sorry," I mumbled, feeling my face warm as the majority of the class turned to look in my direction. Angela turned and gave me an 'are you okay?' looked and I nodded.

"Well then, please don't interrupt the class again Miss Swan," he grumbled as he turned back to the board.

I turned to glare at Edward, this was entirely his fault. He in turn gave me an apologetic look and slipped me a piece of paper. I read it and then frowned, my heart sinking. He wasn't going to let up.

Sorry about that, it read in his perfect neat writing. I didn't know the old man's hearing was so profound. So do you want to go somewhere after school and talk, there's something I need to tell you.

Something he needs to tell me? Oh god, I was right. He regretted what had happened between us and now he was probably going to give me the 'it's not you it's me' story. Except that I was the reason he would be doing this, me and my baggage.

Oh well this is what I wanted anyway. He was too good for me and he seemed to already know that, so half my work was done already. I should let him off the hook, make it easier on him.

It's okay, I wrote back, my hand shaking slightly as my stomach flipped. I noticed that my writing was pretty much illegible next to his. I understand what happened on Saturday was a mistake, there's no need to talk about it.

I quicklypassed the paper to him and turned my attention back to the front of the class so I wouldn't have to watch as relief crossed his face. What I didn't expect was to feel him stiffen beside me and the note that followed.

E: What do you mean, mistake?

Was he trying to make this difficult? I thought. I quickly scribbled a response and passed him the paper.

B: You don't have to worry about what happened on Saturday, it's okay. We were both drunk; I don't expect anything of you.

He frowned before replying: That's not exactly what I wanted to talk about. Did you think it was a mistake?

B: What did you want to talk about then? And yes, that's how you feel isn't it?

E: Not here and no that's not at all how I feel, except for maybe the circumstances could have been better .

Okay I wasn't expecting that at all and what did he mean circumstances? I decided to ignore the last part of his reply and focus on the first.

B: What do you mean not here? What's wrong with right here?

Before I could pass the piece of paper it was taken from my hands. "I expect better of you Miss Swan," Mr. Banner grumbled as he walked back to the front of the class, our note in hand.

Please don't read it, was all I could think. Thankfully he threw it straight into the waste paper basket.

The rest of the class went by more slowly, neither Edward nor I daring to talk or pass anymore notes. I was relieved and spent most of the time ignoring the feel of his gaze as he watched me take notes. Ten minutes before class ended I decided to get one up on Edward and I asked Mr. Banner if I could go to the toilet.

"Do you really have to go Miss Swan," he asked peering at me over the rim of his glasses. "There is only ten minutes of class left."

"No sir," I replied. "I really have to go." Luckily I wasn't lying because I'm terrible at it; I actually did need to go to the bathroom.

"Fine," he waved the hall pass in the air. "At least you asked to leave the room this time." I heard a few sniggers from one side of the class room. There was no doubt as to who they probably belonged to, but I no longer gave a rat's ass about catty girls. I just wanted out so I could get away from Edward and his 'talk' he was so keen on having.

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I washed my hands and splashed some water on my face, before I dried them slowly. I was in no hurry to return to class. I checked my watch and counted the seconds down slowly until the bell rang. I sighed, tapping my fingers softly on the basin as I listened to people hurrying down the hall. My plan was to wait a few minutes until most of the crowd dispersed and then make my way to the car, hopefully avoiding Edward in the process.

You can't go on hiding forever you know.

Shut up.

While I was waiting I heard the bathroom door open and shut but paid no attention as I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to brush out the knots. However, I stiffened slightly when I heard my bathroom companion lock the door behind them. I turned slightly and let out a small shriek when I saw who it was.

"I've been looking for you Bella," he said, smiling softly. It was a smile that didn't quite reach his piercing blue eyes. "We need to talk."

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