CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Fractures

When she finally returned to the ship, Kara was in no mood for romance. Frustrated, angry, and ready to snap, she made a point of carefully stripping off and cleaning her armor, before heading for the showers. Neither ritual gave her much comfort, but they delayed her at least, as she had no wish to vent upon some innocent party, Liara least of all. Dressed in clean clothes, she made her way to the command deck, where Garrus informed her that the Normandy was nearing the relay, that the Isandlwana had already departed, and that Tali's overload of the Cerberus base reactor had gone smoothly. Kahoku never quite accepted her authority over him, but ultimately he lacked the means to argue his point, and now there was nothing left of the facility for the Alliance or the terrorist group to salvage.

To her, it remained the right choice. She had given Kahoku some of Cerberus' notes regarding the thorian creepers, mostly detailing the experiments they performed, without including the results, or any mention of the creatures' origins. Like the reaper spikes that turned organic bodies into cybernetic husks, it was not something she would comfortably allow anyone access to. The temptation for disposable soldiers was always too great to resist, especially for a non-militaristic imperial culture like the Alliance, which required war to secure dominance, and create markets for capital, but feared the effects of casualties on public opinion.

At any rate, the Normandy had begun the day-long journey. As usually, she had no vital role to play, so she determined that her time would be best spent by giving Liara her full attention, even if she could always find some new report to read. They had yet to enjoy much in the way of time together, outside of the training room, or discussing the business of the day. She needed, for Liara's sake as much as her own, the chance to be sure of her feelings before they moved forward.

With that plan, such as it was, she retired to her cabin as soon as Garrus finished his briefing. Liara was studying something on the computer console when Kara arrived, which demanded enough of her attention that she did not seem to notice. Her soft profile, concentration evident in the tight line of her lips and her furrowed forehead, was lit by the harsh light of the display, which somehow succeeded only in improving her beauty.

Kara smiled. The last of her earlier mood was washed away in her appreciation of the asari's intelligence and dedication. They were more a part of Liara's beauty than the contours of her face. "Excuse me, Doctor T'Soni?"

"Hm?" Liara's concentration endured for several seconds, before falling to a grin of recognition, quickly suppressed. "Kara."

"Yes?"

"I, uh, I wanted to, um—"

Kara liked that Liara seemed to be having trouble collecting her thoughts, and settled herself on the asari's lap. "Go on," she teased, sliding her fingers up the folds at the back of the alien scientist's neck in an effort at continued distraction.

"Mm… Kara… stop that, please."

Frowning, Kara let her hand drop. She tried to think if she had missed some sign of discomfort and distress from her partner. If they existed, she had pushed forward obliviously, too caught up in her own desired to even notice. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"No, no apologies," Liara insisted. "I was in the CIC, like before, when you landed. When that cruiser appeared… it was like you were already dead. I couldn't do it. You were right. We should never have let ourselves feel this way."

Kara stood, but there were no windows to stare out of, and nothing on the bare walls to distract her, while she tried to think of a response. She stopped in front of the mirror-backed door, studying her own tired expression. Almost without emotion, it was a poor reflection of her turbulent thoughts, as they raced from fear to anger, then loneliness, and back again.

She had never been in this position before. Her past relationships had ranged from brief flings to year-long romances, and though her reasons for breaking things off had varied, they had always ended on her terms. She recalled the tears on her first love's face, as she had walked way, when she left Arcturus Station, in what she felt was the most pivotal decision of her life.

"Kara, I want to be with you," Liara continued softly, when she didn't speak, "but what happens when you confront my mother? What if you have to kill her? What if she kills you? If I feel this badly now, how would I ever endure losing you? I'm not sure its worth the risk."

"I don't know," Kara sighed. Her voice sounded empty and cold, like her chest. She wanted to beg, like any sensible person, for Liara's favor. For one more hour, for another kiss. "I don't want to lose you, but… do what is best for you."

Liara stood, and placed herself between Kara the door. "I was all prepared for you to yell at me. It's so much harder, this way."

"I still trust you, Liara. I know you didn't mean to hurt me."

"Satharii. Kara, I have to go. Now." Liara turned away, and then she was gone, though the door and into the mess.

Alone, Kara collapsed against the nearest wall, and sank to the floor. She had known better than to begin a relationship at such a critical time, but she had given in, allowing human desire to dictate her actions. Human weakness. She was supposed to be beyond such things, in control of her actions and emotions. Disciplined, logical, and principled. It felt as though all three were crashing down around her.

Thankfully, her self-control did not fail her entirely. She cried for a time, a welcome release of not only the fresh sorrow of her breakup, but a month's worth of frustration. She sat for an hour or more before the tears stopped, and she cleaned herself up in the forward washroom, before returning her cabin and sleeping fitfully. Liara featured in all her dreams, but she remembered only vague and sensual hints. She awoke early, her head filled with the taste of the asari's skin and her own uncomfortable arousal.

She washed the half-remembered fantasies away with a brief, cold shower, before settling in the mess with a tablet and what she hoped was a look of concentration, though her thoughts were anything but focused. If she could not sort herself out, she wondered who she might assign to lead the ground team, and if ExoGeni might accept them as her deputy. Garrus, maybe; she needed someone capable of leading an investigation. Liara would need to go, to assess any prothean technology they uncovered—imagining the young asari in danger without her nearby added a knot of anxiety to her depression. Wrex, then, to see to her safety? No. In the end, it was her mission, and her responsibility. If he had any sense, the turian wouldn't let her pass it off, on him or anyone else. She just needed a chance to clear her head, and refocus.

When she hit her lowest point, after the battle of Elysium, Kara had immersed herself in the IPC training course she'd entered. The necessary discipline had allowed her to curb her self-destructive behaviors, giving her space to think about, and eventually deal with, the issues that had nearly brought her down. Anyway, she had lost her taste for endless brooding, and so preferred to make the effort.

"Shepard, we need to talk."

Caught up as she was in her own thoughts, Kara had not noticed the arrival of the first-watch crew. She should have absented herself earlier, and avoided the unwanted conversation, or confrontation, if she read Keyx's expression right. "What about?"

Rather than joining her at the table, her XO loomed over her. "It's common knowledge among the crew that you're an, um—"

She found his hesitation irritating, exacerbated by his crude attempts at dominance. She frowned up at him. "Get on with it."

"—I want to know your intentions towards the Alliance."

"My intentions are to see that it follow its own laws. Is that a problem?"

"No, ma'am," he insisted. Of course not, except that the entire conversation was about her sending Kahoku to confront the Defense Committee. "It's just that you're, uh—"

"An Anarchist?" Kara finished. Surely the term was not so menacing as all that. The asari had a system of emergent government that dealt with diplomatic issues and defended their space, and a cooperatively-structured industrial base, supported by a culture that emphasized individual agency and mutual respect. She had seen it first-hand, and found it to be effective and egalitarian, a stark contrast to the Alliance's corrupt class dictatorship, hidden beneath a façade of democracy.

"And that means you're willing to see the Defense Committee come under fire now? While half the pirates in the Terminus systems are launching raids against our colonies? We'll be bloody lucky if the batarians don't launch a full scale invasion, and there's fuck-all chance of us being prepared for that. That's not principled, it's fucking irresponsible. We signed on to stop Saren, so let's do it already."

Kara could not have imagined a worse time for yet another crises. Including Keyx, a third of the ship's remaining human crew were in the mess, all of them focused on their argument, and most sympathetic to her XO's perpective. She tried to think of what might make a convincing argument, but the acceptance of government corruption was so deeply ingrained in human culture that it was difficult to know where to begin.

"Come on, sir," Moreau interrupted, "it isn't like you can blame her for the Committee's actions. All the Alliance had to do was sit back for six months and accept the Council's praise for letting us use the Normandy, while the ship got one hell of a test flight. Instead, they went full stupid." He was nearly the last person on the ship who she would have expected to back her, hardly even interested in the politics of the mission at all, just as long as she kept him at the helm.

"That's even less funny than your standard routine, Joker. Maybe you should go back to masturbating over cheap porn, and leave politics to the grown-ups. This isn't an ordinary frigate, it's a classified prototype, and it's unreasonable to expect that the Alliance would hand it over willingly."

"He's right, though, Keyx," Greg Adams replied. "If they'd gone along with the captain from the beginning, they could've set a few terms. We'd still have a full Alliance crew, and be on the payroll."

Evidently, Keyx agreed that the engineer had made a good point, for he sat down near the older officer. The debate had passed her by, and she was grateful for it. "When has Shepard ever followed the rules?"

"Often enough, or she would never have made it this far," Adams said. "The Alliance chose to put her forward as a Spectre candidate, just as we chose to follow her."

"I didn't agree to put Earth at risk, Lieutenant," added auburn-haired Maria Corine, one of Adams' engineers, her softly attractive features twisted in a scowl.

"Cerberus and the Defense Committee put Earth at risk, not Kara," Brynja declared. The blond's hair was dark with moisture, as she sank into the chair next to Kara's. "She may not always do what is convenient, but you can count on her to do what is right."

"You're biased," Keyx said flatly.

Brynja shrugged. "Yeah, and so what? You're worried about your home. So would I be, if pirates hadn't taken it away. We knew the Alliance wasn't protecting us. They're too busy watching out for their corporate sponsors, and their human-supremacist terrorist friends. You're worried about consequences? What happens when the Council decides to stop tolerating our behavior?

"We need people like Kara, who won't tolerate our bigotry and ignorance. How many of us met an alien, before we met her? I hadn't, unless you count Spectre Kryik, and, yeah, he was intimidating. But don't tell you didn't find Kara intimidating, at first, 'cause I know I did. Now I wish I'd gotten to known him a bit."

"This isn't personal, Bryn, it's politics," Keyx frowned, "and like it or not we need a strong government to protect us. Not from Garrus, or any single person. From pirates, and the batarians, who are always watching for signs of weakness. The information that Admiral Kahoku has could fracture our leadership, maybe even start a civil war. If you think the raids are bad now, just wait until we're too busy fighting each other to worry about them."

"Civil war, Keyx? Really?" Brynja grinned. She continued, her expression growing serious. "If you're asking when to abandon principle for compromise, I don't know. It's never a simple choice, but Kara does her best, and she's done a damn good job so far. A lot better than you would have done in her place."

That seemed to shut Keyx up, at least for the present. Kara trusted that he would continue to do his job, but was completely backwards. She saw no chance of a civil war, not while Prime Minister Zhuang and his administration could blame their troubles on the batarians. Unfortunately, in the current climate, that could lead to an interstellar war, with a strong potential for defeat. Put simply, humanity lacked the resource base for a sustained conflict, and could no longer draw on Council support.

Kara picked up her tablet and stood. She had not needed yet another problem to further depress her mood.

Saren had extensive assets, under numerous names, which he had successfully concealed from the Council, but showed up in the records Tali recovered. He had financial interests in multiple corporations that operated both in and outside of Council space, including the major non-government turian weapons exporters, two of the major salarian corporations, and several Alliance-based companies. They were not simply a source of income, but connections, which he had leveraged to supply his base on Virmire with goods and equipment.

Low on his list of assets was a small share in ExoGeni corporation. Kara hadn't thought much of it before, but he must have known of their colony on Feros, and paid well to be informed of any discoveries. Unfortunately, it undercut any hope she had of finding anything there to use against him. No working beacon, certainly, to finally make sense out of her prothean vision. As long as she was digging through their records for signs of Cerberus connections, she would search for any small that thing might help stop the rogue spectre.

Which, she supposed, led her back to her prothean expert. She sighed, rubbing her aching arms. She had pushed herself hard, making rare use of the exercise machines after she had worked her way through all challengers in the ring. At least for a while, she had freed herself from thoughts of Liara, but it hadn't lasted. That was love, she supposed. Never easy, and to make things worse, they could not afford to avoid each other.

Turning away from her desk, she stood, adjusting her shirt, and running her fingers through her unkempt hair. They would arrive at Feros at 0530, in late second watch, but the planet had a lengthy thirty-hour day. Zhu's Hope, and the nearby ExoGeni facility, would be at midday at the start of first watch. She would make her appearance then, and she would take Liara with her.

She left her cabin, on her way to sickbay. Much of first first watch had gathered around the table, watching the players engage in what had become a regular game of poker. The quick memories of the salarians, only one of them was playing now, made them formidable opponents, until one realized that they were not at all adept at bluffing, at least during social situations. Greg, with two of them on his engineering team, had learned to read them, judging by the number of chips he had gathered. Karen held her own, but she had taken courses in xenobiology, where such useful details might have been covered in passing.

Jeff was losing quite badly, as was Maria. Brynja observed, seated on the tabled for a better view. She smiled at Kara, but did not move to get up.

Kara smiled back, and moved on. She had joined the game on occasion, but did not truly pay proper attention to the cards, and paid for it with defeat. She had never cared much for losing, which, she supposed, contributed to her lack of interest.

Ehigha was sitting at his desk, when she entered. He rose to greet her. "Captain. What can I do for you?"

"Is Liara back in the storage room, Ehigha?"

The young doctor sighed, a disapproving frown on his lips. "Yes. She seemed quite despondent, sir. She's hardly left since she came in last night. I don't know what happened between you, but it needs to be resolved."

Was his disapproval directed at her, or Liara? "Is there something you want to say to me?"

"No, sir." He could bluff his way through a game of poker quite well, but she read him better than that. He did blame her, for Liara's mood, and for allowing the relationship to begin with.

"How is Sayuri doing?" Kara inquired. She had no interest in defending the mistake.

"I'm sure you've seen Doctor Chakwas' report."

Indeed, Karen had pronounced the Japanese marine physically recovered, and ready for a cybernetic prosthetic, or cloned replacement. A prosthetic leg could be ready and waiting on the Citadel in a few days, if it had not arrived already, which made it the obvious choice for the present. Kara nodded shortly.

"She may have saved the rest of us by taking out that Colossus, but in her mind Ajuna's life is the one that matters. She blames herself, even though she laughs it off," he told her, swiveling slowing in his chair. "She's having a harder time adjusting to that burden than the loss of her leg, but I don't believe she's at risk."

"I agree," Kara said. After she finished on Feros, she would have to take the Normandy back to the Citadel, and not just for Sayuri's sake. That would be a thirteen day journey, making, for some, nearly a month and a half without leaving the ship. She closed her eyes briefly, running her fingers through her hair. "Excuse me."

"Sir," Ehigha nodded, turning back to his work, as Kara made her way down the length of the room.

Adopting the medical storage room at the foreword end of sickbay as a private retreat for the solitary asari had been Karin's idea. Liara had spent most of her time there, before moving in to Kara's cabin.

Kara sighed, and brushed at her hair again, then knocked on the door. What did she even intend to say?

It slid aside, revealing the asari, who had risen to touch the controls. "Kara," she breathed softly, uncertain. "I… I haven't changed my mind."

"I didn't come for that."

Liara stepped back, letting her enter, than sank back into the room's sole chair as the door closed. "No, I suppose not," the young asari muttered, looking down at her hands. "I though… expected you to say more, and I find I don't understand. If you loved me, why not fight for me?"

"How?" Kara demanded, folding her arms across her chest. She should have sent a note, and avoided this conversation. Only it might have come anyway, and she would be glad to have it done. "Did you want me to talk you down? I don't play that sort of game."

"No! Satharii. I am not a child. I meant what I said, but I am not so stubborn that my opinion can't be changed."

Kara sighed. Probably, the asari felt as wretched as she did. They came at relationships from a different perspective than humanity, with more emphasis on companionship than sex, and no history of patriarch or sexual violence. Maybe she had made a choice better suited to her own world than theirs. "Liara, we aren't destined for each other. We just fell in love, and you asked the question; is it worth it? You answered no. Words can't change that."

"No."

Perhaps Liara understood that, regardless of how she felt now, it was too late to change her mind. If they tried and failed again, there would be no chance of them working together, and there was too much at stake to risk that.

"I need you suited up and ready to go by seven-thirty hours tomorrow," Kara stated quietly, not trying to keep her voice clear of emotion. "And we need to talk about the protheans. If there's anything you know—anywhere we should look, or some artifact that may help us, to find out more about the conduit or the reapers—I need to hear about it."

"I've been attempting to find some answers, Captain, but I've had little success. The reapers did a thorough job of exterminating the protheans, and cleaning up after themselves."

"Have you been to Feros?"

Liara shook her head. "I've studied some of the artifacts discovered there, but the planet has been picked over for centuries. I specialized in more obscure ruins." She smiled, at some pleasant memory. Kara suppressed a desire to kiss her.

"I have to go," she muttered, opening the door and escaping before the asari could respond.

Kara locked the door to her cabin behind her, and leaned, frustrated, against the interior hull. She was beginning to hate being a Spectre, hate being in command all the time. She hated her own inflexibility, and how isolated she had begun to feel. She should never have let Liara go. Elessa had been right; she needed someone, but instead of holding on to what she had, as if it mattered, she had let it slip from her fingers. Stupid. Any sensible woman would have begged.

She took a deep breath, and brought up her music selection on her omnitool. Nothing asari, she decided; she did not need the reminder. Not human either. Quarian. Their orchestral pieces had a way of evoking the peaceful solitude of the Rannochai deserts, wide and rough, broken by wind-carved pillars of rock that displayed an astonishing array of browns, ranging from red-orange to golden. She had only ever seen pictures, and that diminished the experience, but not the beauty she witnessed from afar. She wondered what the geth, with their machine intelligence, made of those plains, or the blue-green vegetation that surrounded the springs and rivers. Were their minds complex enough to find value in the merely aesthetic?

Laying down on the bed, she allowed herself to be carried away by the echoing wind instruments the quarians most favored, the tempo set by the deeply resonant sound of long chimes. It was an easy, pleasant feeling, and she found herself wondering what really had happened on Rannoch, three centuries ago. Had some scattered communities survived the war, and were the geth their overlords, or their colleagues? She much preferred to hope for the best, and she had no evidence to shatter her illusions.

This idle fantasy was shattered by the bleeping of the door chime. She hissed in annoyance, and rolled to her feet.

"Kara," Brynja muttered, sliding past her as soon as she opened the door.

"This isn't a good time," Kara said, frowning through the opening, before she turned to follow the blond.

"I know, I'm sorry, but you could use a friend about now, and you're too damn stubborn to ask. Well, here I am, and if you want me gone, you'll have to bloody well throw me out."

Kara tried to hide a smile, with limited success. "You win."

"Do I? Good. Wouldn't want to create a scene," she smirked, sitting on the edge of the bed. Her hair was down again, framing her face in silver. "How are you feeling?"

"I've a crew that doubts my judgement, and a lover who thinks I'm not worth the risk. I'm beginning to feel like I went about this all wrong. What do you think?"

"I think you need a better crew."

It was a cheap answer, but drew a smile from her regardless.

Brynja grinned, but only briefly. "Have a seat," she said, indicating the chair. Kara sat beside her on the bed.

"I meant what I told the others. We live in a system that everyone knows is broken. We're told so, repeatedly by all the major news outlets, though they each blame someone different, and we go along because they tell us it isn't 'feasible' to fix it. Because of you, I see cracks in what they said was impenetrable. What I expected to spend my life defending, even though I knew better. And that system did more damage to my homeworld that the batarians ever will. If your story can inspire a generation of radicals like you have me, then we may get something better. If not, we'll still have saved the galaxy."

Kara sighed, and gently brushed Brynja's hair back, tucking the pale strands behind her small ear. "Will you stay awhile, and keep me company?" she asked softly. It was a poor idea, considering how she felt, and how beautiful the young blond looked, leaning into the touch of her hand. Seeking comfort in sex would be easy, but she did not dare risk the only friend she seemed to have. Not for a few moments distraction.

"I'd like that. Kara," Brynja said, sifting position to one that faced her more directly, "I mean to speak with Liara. She'll see that you're worth any risk. Until then, I have to accept that you're still hers."

Kara nodded. Even if she convinced herself otherwise, she would likely be too pleased with Liara's return to reject her. She had proven that by giving in the first time.