"I don't want to do it without you. Please come," the line fell from Callie's lips, desperation lacing her tone. She was begging.
And yet, as she recited in character, she couldn't deny that she felt like she was being watched. Granted, there were hundreds of people who were in the audience for the Friday night show and she was the lead role in the show, so she obviously knew people were watching.
But there was a difference between being watched by the crowd, and being watched the way she felt like she was.
It wasn't a creepy feeling in the pit of her stomach or anything. But like there was an intensity on her. The way someone feels when they know to turn their head to make eye contact with someone.
But as she let her eyes quickly scan the audience as she turned to face Addison, she didn't even making a dent in the amount of people staring at her. How could she? They were all sitting so close together, and she didn't have time, unless she broke character.
Addison – as – Caroline shook her head, and her posture slumped as if she was pulling into herself. Not for the first time, Callie was stunned by how good of an actress the redhead was, as Addison/Caroline's voice sounded just as desperate, "But why? Why is it so important to you that I go? Why can't Flynn?"
"Because you're important to me, too. And it'll be really great," she promised, knowing that Lyla simply didn't understand why Caroline was so stubborn, and her hands came flying into the air as she stepped forward, closer to her.
It was the scene just before the intermission. A flashback scene in which Callie's character Lyla was just starting to deal with the fact that she felt she was falling out of love with her boyfriend Flynn, portrayed by Sloan, whom she is dating from the beginning of the flashbacks. And Lyla desperately wanted Addison's Caroline to come with her to her sister's wedding to try to avoid some of the issues in her relationship.
She took another step forward, and fixed on a hurt frown as Addison/Caroline stepped back from her, "Why are you being like this? We haven't done anything together in weeks; I miss you."
Addison crossed her arms and stiltedly walked away, pausing in the middle of the stage, her character needing room from Lyla, as she shrugged, "I just – I'm busy. And I don't get why you're asking me to come instead of you know, your boyfriend?"
Callie whirled around to face her, portraying Lyla's annoyance. She tried to scan the audience quickly again because she was being watched with that intensity again, but failed to get any results. Though she could tell that Addison had noticed her nearly imperceptible break of character, with just the curious tilting of her head.
Purposefully steeling herself against it, she rolled her shoulders and marched over to where the redhead stood, "Because you're my best friend. And I can tell you're avoiding me, and it hurts," she finished, her voice low, reflecting Lyla's pain.
Addison easily slipped back into Caroline, who was now standing up to Callie instead of shrinking away, "You hurt? You hurt? Lyla, I'm – I can't…" she trailed off, reaching up and tugging on her hair and groaning in frustration.
Before Addison/Caroline could stalk away from her, with the ease of the repetitive rehearsal, she flung out her hand and grabbed the redhead's wrist where it was falling from her side, firmly, and tugged, bringing them closer together as she begged again, "What did I do?"
Addison stared at her and the longing that Caroline had for Lyla was evident as she refused to back up, "You – you… Lyla, I'm your best friend and it's killing me," she confessed.
Callie let her mouth open slightly in Lyla's confusion, and then Addison's other hand came up to cup the back of her neck. It was so well-rehearsed that it went seamlessly, moving as a well-oiled machine, even though they made it look spontaneous.
But none of it was. The way her hand came to land on Addison's waist looked reflexive to the audience, but it was calculated by the director. The way Addison's hand stroked her cheek – moving quickly, but so as not to entirely block her face from the crowd, who, up until this point, had no indication that she and Addison's characters would be romantically involved – was carefully practiced in it's precision.
Their kiss was written to be tender, yet deep. Passionate and intimate. Full of chemistry, unplanned. She knew exactly how Addison's mouth would open under hers, and knew just exactly how the kiss would feel as they sold it to the audience, because Caroline and Lyla's kiss was the same one they performed eight times a week.
And she nearly missed her cue to pull back because the back of her neck felt like it was tingling, and not from Addison's hand, either. It was that feeling again, that intense feeling. It was driving her crazy.
Luckily, Addison brought her hand that was facing the backdrop up and lightly tapped Callie on the hip, giving her a reminder. And she pulled back, Lyla's shock already written all over her expression, "Caroline – I didn't… I don't…"
She trailed off as Addison's eyes filled with practiced tears, her voice pained, "And, I can't."
As she turned to run off stage right, Callie/Lyla stared after her. And only when the curtains closed on her did she follow, quickly jogging backstage, only to be intercepted by the redhead, who smirked at her, "Enjoy the kiss tonight?"
When Addison threw her an exaggerated wink, Callie scoffed, "Please. It's called chapstick, have you heard of it?" she teased, throwing it over her shoulder as she quickly made her way back to her dressing room.
She loved intermission, actually giving her time to change properly rather than just a scene change where she walked off stage and had to strip quickly right there. But Addison was just behind her, "But really, why so distracted? I saw you looking in the crowd; expecting anyone tonight?"
Callie rolled her eyes, "How many times do I have to tell you that there is no one I would be expecting out there?"
She wasn't going to tell Addison that she had this feeling that she had. Because she knew that she wouldn't quite understand. Not that Callie even understood the feeling, herself.
Even though Addison noticed the question dodge, she didn't comment on it, and let it drop as she walked over to take a sip from one of the brunette's water bottles, "You still coming out with us tonight?"
Since Addison had been sleeping with Mark for the last couple of weeks, the redhead had gotten into the habit of joining the cast on some of their post-show outings. And even though she was now invited because of her friendship with Addison – and grudging more friendly demeanor with Mark – she hadn't been joining them.
For multiple reasons; she wasn't super concerned about money now, as much as she had been just a few months ago, because her paychecks from the show were more than what she was making before, even if she had rush hour tips every day. But she still didn't want to go out too much, because it was nice to actually have a savings account again.
Not to mention, she still didn't completely get along with the other costars in the play. They weren't super frosty towards her anymore, but she didn't have a desire to put the effort in to try to befriend them. She wasn't entirely sold on going out to the club or bar with them, and inevitable being stuck with them when Addison and Mark disappeared.
And, of course, there was the fact that she much preferred being home to talk to Arizona. It's not that she thought the blonde would begrudge her going out, therefore missing their nightly chat; it was just that… well, she didn't want to.
Which was another reason she realized she had been an idiot not to see that she had a little… crush… on Arizona before when she'd realized it after their meeting a little over a week ago.
Because she would rather be sitting at home and talking to the other woman than doing anything else. She hadn't exactly been in many relationships, only a few, but despite her lack of expertise in the art of romance, she knew her own feelings. And if she would rather be cuddled under her blankets and just listening to Arizona's voice than any other alternative...
Well, she had it bad.
With a frown, she unlocked her phone to see that she had no new messages from the woman in question.
They hadn't spoken since Wednesday; two days ago. Which obviously wasn't an incredibly long time to go without talking to someone, but something felt wrong. Because Arizona had texted her yesterday afternoon, before it was time to call her, and told her that she wasn't feeling well and would be going to sleep early.
She'd understood, despite her disappointment at the cancellation of their talk.
But then the few texts she'd sent in the last twenty-four hours had gone ignored. Callie hadn't sent a ton of messages – an answering one to Arizona's initial message, saying that she hoped she felt better, and one inquiring about her day and asking her about how she felt, earlier this afternoon.
Radio silence.
It was worrying, talking to someone every day, through text and actual conversation, and then nothing.
She just told herself that, well, Arizona was an adult. She clearly was sick, and she could take care of herself, and she didn't need her harassing her to see if she was okay.
Which was why she'd agreed to go out with Addison tonight, because otherwise she would go back to her apartment and needlessly worry about Arizona.
Biting her lip, she reached for the water bottle in the redhead's hands, taking a sip before confirming, "Yeah, I'm still coming. You better not ditch me to have sex with Sloan in the club bathroom or something," she narrowed her eyes at the mischievous look on her friend's face.
"Please. I'm more adventurous than that; we'll just do it on the dance floor," Addison tossed at her, and when she blanched at the awful imagery, she laughed and made her way to the door, "Gotta change. See you when you're breaking my heart on stage!"
Callie rolled her eyes at her back as the door closed, only changing her clothes after she checked her phone once more, just to be sure.
Signing autographs was something Callie hadn't really thought much about. It was strange, maybe, but it was just something that had slipped her mind during the many times she had spent dreaming and fantasizing about "making it" on Broadway.
What she had wanted more than anything was to perform; to sing and act and put on a show where someone could lose themselves in the performance, the way she'd lost herself in plays and musicals she would watch and read when she was younger. She wanted to be someone that people heard and she would imagine herself on stage, she would even imagine the applause.
But until opening night, she hadn't even thought about it. Until Addison had giddily led her outside to where people were waiting. Waiting for her. It wasn't like she was a movie star or anything, and there hadn't been anyone to come up to her on the street.
Still, though. It was… admittedly pretty cool. Even if sometimes her hand cramped up and some of her signatures ended up not looking like anything except for a messy scrawl that started with a C.
It wasn't until the crowd of people who had formed outside of the theatre started to wane that Callie took a breath and looked for Addison, because she had no idea where they were supposed to be going tonight.
The redhead was farther away from her, talking to someone that had seen the show, along with Mark. Before she could head over toward her, an Altered Affection playbill was held out toward her, and without thinking she took it and reached down for her Sharpie that she had just put away.
Then she heard, "Make it out to A. Robbins, please," and she whipped her head up.
Her stomach flip-flopped within the second it took for the smile to capture her mouth, even as it fell open slightly in surprise. Indescribably pleased, she felt like her smile was so wide it was going to burst, "Arizona? What are you doing here?"
Without really thinking, she reached out with the hand that wasn't holding Arizona's playbill, and pulled the other girl to her in a hug. She felt that it was hesitantly returned – the same way it was at the train station that day last week – and she wondered if there was a reason for the hesitation.
Regardless, Arizona was right here, and she was warm and solid, and not just the voice on the other line or the face on Skype from the other day.
She drew back, reluctant because… well, it was cold and February and Arizona was warm and smelled nice. And because the last time they'd hugged, she hadn't particularly realized that she'd had a crush on her, so it was nice to get another hug.
A hug that still gave her those sparks up and down her spine.
"Are you feeling better?" she asked, and bit her lip in concern, as she ran her eyes over Arizona's face.
She didn't look ill.
The smile she got in response was strained, and hardly showed off her dimples, "I'm not sick," she offered, and Callie felt like she was dodging the question, but she didn't push it.
Somehow even more concerned now, she leaned closer, looking at Arizona under the dim light from the streetlamp. No, she didn't look sick. What she looked was utterly exhausted. Under her eyes there were dark circles – that hadn't been there just a couple of days ago. And she just looked… sad, Callie thought.
And it made her chest hurt to see the way those intense blue eyes tried to smile with the rest of her face, but fail to do so.
Eyebrows coming together in worry, she bit her lip for a moment before asking again, "What are you doing here? I mean, not that I'm not glad to see you or anything – I am. But I thought you were going to let me know when you'd come to the show. I could have gotten you a ticket," she rambled, but made herself stop.
The smile that Arizona gave her this time was much more natural, teasing, as she looked up at her through her eye lashes, "I was in the neighborhood?"
Even as she felt herself chuckle in response – it was impossible not to, really – she felt her stomach do that whoosh feeling again and her mouth felt a little dry. And the longer Arizona's eyes were on her, the longer she felt – tingly.
The tingles were from Arizona. She knew it. All right, not knew in the sense that it was Arizona in the audience, but… still.
"Kind of a long way from home for a casual stroll for you, isn't it?" she asked back, and she was joking, but she was also not.
Arizona's hands came out in front of her and smoothed down the bottom of her jacket as she shrugged, "I thought it would be a good time to come see y – the show."
She certainly didn't miss the near-slip, and she felt her cheeks flush with it, but she didn't comment on it. Not even to tease, because, honestly, she was getting more concerned with each evasion of her question.
Before she could say anything else, though, she heard footsteps come toward her, "Cal, come on. We're going to get something to eat before…" Addison trailed off as she came closer, and Callie didn't miss the slip into excitement that the redhead's expression had taken on as she recognized Arizona.
But Arizona stepped back, from both of them, shaking her head, "I didn't realize you had plans. I'll go –"
Addison practically jumped forward, "Arizona! No! Arizona, you should come with us."
The blonde whipped her head up to stare at Addison in confusion, and Callie admired it. She enjoyed the way Arizona seemed right now – very tough. Even as she was confused.
Without letting Addison say anything embarrassing, because god knew she would, Callie intervened, "Uh, Arizona, this is Addison. She's my friend when she's not acting crazy."
Briefly, Addison looked at her long enough to roll her eyes, "Please, I'm your friend especially when I'm crazy." Then she turned back to the blonde, who was now more amused, "And I know who you are, obviously."
"Right. You spied on me through the window at the coffee shop," Arizona lifted her eyebrow at Addison, who came the closest to being embarrassed that Callie had ever seen her.
Before she started to laugh, of course, "I did. Can you blame me?" Without waiting for an answer, she tossed Mark, who was calling for her, a glare over her shoulder, "Come on, it's freezing."
But Arizona was already shaking her head, and Callie knew she was going to tell her to go again. Instead, she shook her own head at Addison, "Sorry, but I think Arizona and I are going to do our own thing tonight."
God, why did she say it like that? Because Addison's grin was already turning lecherous, and she could feel herself blush even deeper, as the redhead murmured, "Oh, I bet you are."
Slamming her eyes closed for a moment to regain herself, she shot Addison a glare even though Arizona seemed more entertained than anything. Thankfully.
"Ignore her," Callie advised, "I feel at this point in our friendship, I shouldn't even have to tell you that Addison's insane and inappropriate. And insanely inappropriate."
When Arizona giggled quietly, she felt insanely proud of herself, and Addison just shook her head, muttering under her breath, "I just try to help." She flipped Mark off from over her shoulder, before giving them both a teasing smile, "Enjoy your evening, ladies."
Callie was busy glaring at her back before she looked down at Arizona, who was still looking at her in amusement, "I see Addison is everything you described her as."
"And more," she added, smiling, as she looked at Arizona again.
Who, now that they were alone once more, seemed less tough, and she smoothed her hands over her jacket again. Maybe she had only – knowingly – seen Arizona in person once, but she felt like she knew her well enough to know that something definitely wasn't right.
Taking her hand out of her pocket, she hesitated for a moment before offering Arizona her hand, thinking about last week. When she'd taken the blonde's hand in hers and it felt like the perfect fit as they ran out of the bookstore and then through the streets to Penn Station. This time, now that she was more aware and because Arizona seemed more vulnerable than she'd ever heard, she simply held hers out in offering.
Arizona looked down, and then interlaced their fingers, which made Callie smile, even though she tried to turn her head and hide it. After she calmed herself, she asked, "So, what are your plans tonight?"
Because she was still genuinely confused as to what was going on.
But Arizona seemed apprehensive and nervous, and for the first time – including the times where she didn't know that Arizona was Arizona – the blonde just looked beat. Which included when she had knocked her onto the sidewalk with a possible head injury, which was why this was so concerning.
"I, uh, I don't know. I don't really have any plans, per-se," she fidgeted with her one free hand, and waved it a little in the air, "I just, you know, wanted to come see the show. Tonight seemed like… a good night for it. I'm – I have to be back at school tomorrow in the afternoon for mock-trial," she all but growled out the last couple of words, before looking just… defeated.
And now Callie was positive that Arizona might not be exactly stating that she came here to see Callie, but she at least knew that something was wrong enough that she'd come here to get away from something going on at school.
Giving the blonde a little tug, she directed them, "Come on. I have the perfect place."
The blonde followed, and waited just a few moments of walking before saying, "You really have an amazing voice, Callie," and the sincerity of her tone almost made Callie falter in her steps.
It was something that she already knew about herself, and something that she'd had told to her several times in the last few months. Through reviews and people in the play. But when Arizona said it, it made her stomach fill with warmth, and she sent her a small smile, "You liked me? Uh – the show?"
Arizona nodded in affirmation, "It was really, really good. The reviews didn't even do it justice. Or you. I've never seen a show before, other than like a high school production. I'm glad this was my first one. Good memories," she sent Callie a real smile now, full dimples and all.
The warmth spread now, to her chest, and she bit her lip hard to try to contain herself, "I'm really glad you liked it."
"I have to say, I'm glad that you ended up with Caroline. Er – Lyla ended up with Caroline," Arizona added on quickly, "They had much more…" she cleared her throat, "Chemistry."
Callie nodded quickly, "I love the ending."
And she did. The first scene opened with Lyla – at age thirty – attending a party thrown by old friends. At the party, she sees both Flynn and Caroline, and has leading conversations with both of them, but it's implied that her true love, who is in attendance at the party, is Flynn.
Through flashbacks – which start in the second scene, with Lyla in her early twenties – the intertwined stories of Lyla and Caroline then Lyla and Flynn become clear. Then, as the flashbacks end, Lyla isn't on speaking terms with either of them. So until the last couple of scenes, it's unclear as to who her affection is ultimately for.
It was romantic and desperate and messy and emotional – all of it. Which was what she loved.
"What's it like to kiss Addison and… the guy, on stage?" Arizona asked, as she shook her hair back to look up at her, "I mean, it wasn't like you just – uh – pecked them," she decided, as if she didn't know exactly how to phrase it.
But Callie understood what she was asking, and she shrugged, "It's very robotic," she admitted, and she thought of the time one of the women who had asked for her autograph after the show asked what it was like to kiss a man as attractive as Mark Sloan, "I mean, it looks good, but it's a stage kiss. So, when Mark and I have our… love scene," she'd kind of forgotten that Arizona had seen that. Not that she had any nude scenes, but still, she blushed, "It's supposed to look so passionate –"
"It did," Arizona confirmed, and Callie wondered if the blonde was blushing as she ducked her head away after realizing what she said, but the pink on her pale cheeks could just be from the biting wind.
Regardless, she tipped her head, "All in the name of theatre," she joked, before continuing, "Um, it's supposed to look so passionate. But really, I'm thinking about how Lyla is supposed to be feeling and making sure my face shows that. And when Sloan's hand slides under my shirt, we're both counting for exactly how long it's supposed to be, and holding an uncomfortable angle to make sure it all looks just right, for you. For the audience," she rushed to add on.
Arizona tilted her head to the side in thought, "Huh. Well, it all looked great. I mean, you were a really good actress in it."
"I hope I didn't ruin the magic of the theatre for you," she joked, thinking of the way the woman from outside of the theatre had looked so downtrodden when she'd given the same – albeit shorter – explanation about kissing Mark Sloan. Then Addison had taken her aside and whispered that when people asked questions like that, she should just say something like about how it was great to have such good castmates with chemistry.
But Arizona shook her head, "No, I actually think it's more interesting now. I'm even more impressed with you," she added lightly, and Callie swung her hands lightly between them as the silence came over them.
It was only for a few minutes, though, because soon they arrived at her apartment, and she gestured to it with a flourish, "Here we are."
Blue eyes gazed up at the somewhat rundown building, "Is there… something in here?"
Now a little bashful, she dropped her head and nodded, "Um, yeah. I live here, actually." As Arizona looked up at her, curiously, she shook her head quickly and became flustered, thinking of the way Addison had grinned at them just a little while ago, "I – I just mean, you look like something is wrong. Actually, you kind of look like a lot of things are wrong, and like you're about ready to crash at any moment. And, well, you didn't say you had a place to stay tonight, so you could stay here. If you wanted to. So, I just thought… instead of going out, it would be better to come here." She finished, unsurely.
But Arizona just nodded softly, even as she looked down at their feet. And Callie took that as her sign that she was correct, and she sighed softly as she let Arizona's hand go so she could dig out her keys, and led them both up the steps to the first set of doors.
They didn't speak until she unlocked the door to she and Cristina's apartment, grateful for once to come home to an empty apartment. As she opened the door, she cleared her throat nervously, "It's not much, but… I mean, it's home, I guess," she cringed at the way it sounded, but all she could picture was the bright, large space of the room she'd seen through Skype the other night.
Arizona lived in a big spacious sorority house, with her own large room that she had acquired as president. And Callie knew for damn sure it was much nicer than her apartment. Which was kind of, well, dingy. Not dirty, because she at least was clean, so Cristina's mess was generally contained to Cristina's room. But dingy and so small.
But Arizona walked in with a small smile on her face, so she took that as a good sign, as she shut and locked the door behind them, "I would give you a tour, but… well, this is it," she finished with a small laugh.
Because from walking in, you could look to the left and see the small kitchen and dining area, and straight ahead was the living room, with the door to the bathroom right off of it. And both of Callie and Cristina's bedrooms were right off the living room as well. As she shrugged off her jacket, she pointed to her door, "That's my room. We can go in there. Or stay in the living room, it's up to you."
But Arizona was already opening her room, "We hang out in here every night, Callie," she threw over her shoulder, which made Callie grin in response.
Before following her, she paused, and turned back to the kitchen, calling out, "Do you want anything to drink? We have…" what did they have? She opened the fridge and the cabinet next to it, listing, "Water, milk, lemonade… I could make coffee or hot chocolate?"
"Hot chocolate? If you don't mind. I feel frozen," Arizona's voice called out to her, and it was so strange because Arizona was in her room, but it made her kind of giddy.
Quickly, she prepared two mugs, and walked into her bedroom, shutting the door for privacy for when she knew Cristina would come crashing in eventually. Leaning her back against it, she watched Arizona slowly walk around her room, looking at everything. Really, this room was so small, the walking space wasn't much.
But Arizona seemed interested to browse, and she enjoyed the way she looked over her little bookshelf, and then noted how – as soon as she came across her own books, she froze, and her little daze broke.
She swiftly turned away and looked towards Callie, who was still thinking about it as she handed her the mug absently. She knew that Tim had given Arizona those books, and that he was her brother. Was. And she remembered the way Arizona had frozen, much like she just had, when she'd offered her the book outside of the bookstore.
And as she sipped her hot chocolate, she wondered if that had to do with Arizona's state of sadness at the moment.
The blonde held her bug with both hands, and blew on it before sipping. Then she looked around, and seemed to hesitate as she bounced from foot to foot, and Callie cleared her throat, "Bed. I, um, you can sit on my bed."
As soon as she said it, Arizona plopped down on the edge, and let out a quiet sigh, and Callie couldn't tell if it was relief or what, exactly, but she knew that it made her chest ache just a bit.
After taking a few more sips of her drink, she put it down on her nightstand and watched as Arizona's nimble fingers lightly traced the edge of her own mug. And now that she could properly see the blonde, in actual lighting, she could see the dark bruise on her strong jaw.
Of course she'd seen it on Skype, but it looked different in person – worse – and she quickly sat down on the bed next to her to get a better look, "I – that still looks painful."
Arizona turned to give her a questioning look, and Callie simply gestured to her jaw. Which made Arizona's shoulders draw up tight, and her spine went completely rigid, as if she was holding the world up all by herself.
She was so tense that Callie wondered what she said wrong, and she whispered, "I'm sorry. Do… you need ice or something?"
Blue eyes were closed very tightly, and her hands were gripping the mug the same way. After a moment of hesitation, Callie reached out and ignored the little tingles in her fingers when they connected with Arizona's, and gently pried the cup out of her hands, resting it next to hers.
But then Arizona still didn't move, sitting shock still, and Callie's stomach twisted with concern, brown eyes scanning the blonde's profile. As lightly as she could, she reached up to trace the bruise, and when Arizona didn't flinch, she realized that at the very least, she wasn't upset due to physical pain.
Still as gently as she could, she drew her fingertips back and forth on her jaw, feeling the soft skin beneath. It was almost absentmindedly, as she just looked at Arizona. Who was obviously incredibly beautiful, she knew that. But at this moment, she looked painfully rigid, like she'd been carved out of marble.
She knew a lot about Arizona, as a person. She might not know her history – clearly, she thought, with a glance to the books – but she knew her. And she knew without a doubt that Arizona was one of the most closed off people that she'd ever known.
And that was clearly weighing down on her, and Callie was at a loss of how to help.
Eventually, she whispered, "Arizona? I'm… I don't really know what I'm doing." Or what they were doing, or whatever.
Her words seemed to make Arizona tense even more, and Callie hadn't even thought that that was possible, because she was positive that if the blonde got any more tense, she would shatter with one strong breath.
"I don't, either. Know what I'm doing," Arizona breathed out, before she sprung to her feet so quickly, Callie was left on the bed to stare at her, wide eyed. Arizona shook her head, just reaching for her jacket that she'd draped over Callie's closet door, "I should go."
Now utterly confused, Callie jumped up herself, taking Arizona's hand in her own, and lacing their fingers together. Arizona's tightened around hers, though, so that was heartening, "No, don't go. You – I don't want to assume anything or push you or anything. But I feel like – as amazing as the show was – you didn't come here just to see it."
As if she was talking to a cornered animal, she led Arizona slowly back to the bed, and they both lowered to sit down once more. Arizona's voice was barely a whisper when she shook her head, "I didn't."
Callie nodded, and she gently stroked her thumb over the back of Arizona's hand, "Okay. So, we're getting somewhere." She hesitated for a moment, before taking a deep breath, "Listen. I know that our friendship is… kind of weird, I guess. But I care about you, a lot." A lot, her inner voice repeated, loudly, "You're really, well, you're someone that I feel like I could talk to about anything and I would be able to trust you. So. I want you to know that I can be that person, for you. You can trust me."
Blue eyes that seemed impossibly deep slammed shut at her words, and Arizona's body drew up all tight again, and damn, she really wanted to know what was wrong. But when the blonde didn't say anything, she thought maybe she was on the right track and she whispered, "You… aren't alone."
"I am, though," the words tumbled out from somewhere deep in Arizona, and they were heavy and thick, and Callie shifted just a bit closer.
She wished Arizona wasn't so hard to get a read on, "You're not. You have me, right? And… your friends. April? All of the girls in your sorority, your cheerleading team, mock trial people – "
It was then that Arizona positively broke and that was the only word Callie could think of, and it was terrifying to see. Her shoulders snapped forward, and her mouth opened on a dry sob, as she shook her head, "No. I don't have them, I don't have any of them. I – I have you and that's why I came here, because I feel like, like you're the only one who really cares because I'm not…" she trailed off as she hunched over herself, and looked frighteningly lost.
Which wasn't a word she associated with Arizona at all, so it was nerve-wracking, and to calm both of them, she moved even closer, tentatively reaching out and rubbing her hand over Arizona's lower back, prompting, "You're not what?"
"I don't know!" the outburst made her jump, but once it was out, it seemed the floodgates opened for Arizona, and tears started streaming down her face, "I'm – nothing is going right. I had to kick Sadie off of the team, I had to. She – she has a history, but of course I can't tell anyone that. It's not because she punched me in the face, because I'll live. But of course no one believes that. April doesn't even believe that, and they're all mad at me," she managed to get out in broken whispers, and the sounds, coming from the voice Callie heard every night and trusted and found comforting, were heartbreaking.
When Arizona didn't continue, Callie hesitantly starting moving her hand in comforting circles, murmuring, "So, Sadie is the girl who punched you? And you had to kick her off for being a troublemaker, which makes sense. But now they blame you," she summed up, wondering if this was what had gotten Arizona all riled up.
The blonde nodded, then shrugged, then her shoulders shook even more as more tears fell, "And I'm – it's my senior year for mock-trial and I'm not even involved in the actual debate. And the girls in the sorority are – they're so young. I feel like I'm ten years older than everyone, and I feel like I can't actually be their friend because – what happens when I'm their friend? I can't be, because I need to be the one who is responsible. I don't want to be the bitch, you know," she said vehemently, or as vehemently as she could through the tears.
And Callie just hummed, because she felt like her heart was breaking for Arizona. Because she… well, she really did seem to feel alone. So alone, that when everything went wrong, the only place she could think of to come was to New York.
Lightly, she removed her hand from Arizona's, who gripped her tighter for a moment, before slackening. Then she started to withdraw completely, but Callie shook her head and simply leaned in completely, to wrap her arms around Arizona's shoulders.
And true to Arizona fashion, she wrapped her arms back after some hesitation, before tearfully whispering against Callie's ear, "It's my own fault. Because I'm – I'm cold and I have to push people away. Because when you let them in, they hurt you, and I can't – I just can't."
Then she just seemed to cry even harder and melted into Callie's embrace. Biting her lip, she managed to keep an arm around Arizona and shift backwards so that she could lie down. And she was only mildly surprised when Arizona willingly followed her down, resting her head against Callie's shoulder. Her shirt was quickly soaked through with her tears, but all she did was tentatively lift a hand to stroke it lightly through blonde hair.
She liked that when she was upset, and the whimper that Arizona let out against her made her feel that Arizona probably did, too.
And she had such soft hair, Callie thought, as she fingers sifted through it.
Clearing her throat, she murmured into the blonde's ear, "Arizona, listen to me. You aren't cold. You – you push yourself to the limits. You are the best at what you do, even when things get tough."
She could feel Arizona's body shake against hers, as she blonde pressed her forehead against Callie's neck. And she cursed herself for the stupid butterflies in her stomach because this was so obviously not the time for any of that.
When Arizona didn't say anything else, Callie simply bit her lip lightly in thought, and wondered how to say this. Choosing her words carefully, she stroked her hands over Arizona's slimly muscular back once more, "You aren't cold. But – maybe – sometimes you push people away because, well, you just said you're scared to let them in. That's no excuse for anyone to treat you unfairly or to judge you, though."
Arizona took a deep, shuddering breath, then blew it out, which, coincidentally, meant blowing her hot breath over Callie's chest, and her hands momentarily paused. Then Arizona whispered, "I think I hurt April. By – by shutting her out."
As lightly as she could, she said, "Well… as someone who has been kind of shut out by you," she thought of today and the last time Arizona pushed her away, a few weeks ago, even though she knew it wasn't to the scale of what she probably did with April, "It does hurt. But… you need to figure that some people are worth letting in."
Callie's heart stumbled in her chest as Arizona's fingers lightly trailed over her collarbone, and she was pretty sure Arizona could feel how hard her heart started to beat in her chest. But Arizona didn't comment on that, instead she mumbled, "Maybe they are."
Then her fingers skated gently over Callie's collarbone again, and this time she knew that her shiver was noticeable, but she just closed her eyes against the blush, and continued to rub Arizona's back.
Brown eyes drifted over to the bookshelf, and she drew in a quick breath before quickly pushing out, "What… what happened to Tim?"
The fingertips that had been on her froze, and for a moment she feared that Arizona was going to get up and break out of this weird little bubble they had suddenly created. But then she felt her breathe out once more, deeply, and her hand just fisted against Callie's collar, "Not tonight. Just… not tonight."
Okay, Callie thought, that was okay. She bit her lip, and looked down at the crown of soft gold hair nestled against her chin. This, not Arizona being sad, but simply existing like this, it was... more than okay.
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