Arizona's feet were aching by the time she made it back to Callie's apartment. Everything inside of her just felt… off.

She'd woken up this morning in Callie's bed, and she didn't know what changed between them or if it was something inside of herself that had changed, but waking up with her arm wrapped securely around the brunette's waist hadn't made her feel claustrophobic or scared. She hadn't wanted to get away; actually, she'd kind of wanted to snuggle in closer to all of that soft, nice smelling hair in front of her on the pillow.

That had lasted for all of thirty seconds before she remembered what day it was. Suddenly, she had felt like things were closing in on her, and like she needed to get fresh air and just get away.

Because she felt like if she stayed there in the warm cocoon of Callie's bed, with Callie's soft body pressing against her all comfortingly, she was probably going to lose it. And she desperately didn't want to lose it today.

Getting away seemed to be the best idea in order to keep it all together.

So, she had. As quietly and smoothly as possible, she had untangled herself from where she'd spent the night wrapped around Callie. And it would be a lie to say that she hadn't missed that warmth there, but the feeling from inside of her chest like she couldn't breathe was outweighing the tingles.

And she'd changed into the first clothes she found from her suitcase before pulling on her sneakers, and then just left.

But walking around the city for hours didn't make her feel any less like she might fall apart. She felt on edge, and it was… so unnerving. Sometimes, in the last year, it was easy to forget about everything and life was the usual. Sometimes there were days where she thought about it a lot more.

If she was completely honest with herself, she hadn't exactly known what to expect today, on the anniversary of Tim's death because it was the first one. She found that it was worse than the bad days.

After walking but not really knowing where she was going or having a destination in mind, she had ended up on a bench in Central Park, just watching people. Which… yeah, that hadn't helped, either. But she probably would have stayed there – what else was she going to do? – until it started raining.

So, as she trudged up the last few steps back to Callie's apartment door, she shivered. Her clothes were soaked completely though now, and she caused small puddles as she'd walked through the apartment building. And her feet ached because she hadn't really realized that Callie's apartment was as far away from where she'd been.

Arizona hadn't really realized how far she'd wandered, until it had taken her nearly an hour to get back.

And she paused as she reached for the doorknob, because she hadn't even considered that Callie and Cristina might both be out. She hadn't really thought of much when she'd fled the scene that morning.

Not thinking of much also included her phone.

Thankfully, the door was unlocked, and she slowly walked in, mindful of the water that was dripping from her clothes and hair. She could barely feel her fingers, as she tugged a bit on the bottom of her sweater, and walked into kitchen.

Then she stopped immediately, because Callie was there, standing with her back to Arizona as she hummed some song that Arizona recognized from the musical. It was the one that she sang at the very end, she remembered.

She'd liked it.

Blue eyes skimmed around the room, noting the various ingredients lining the counters, and the really, really delicious smell coming from the oven. Absently, she put her hand over her stomach, because she hadn't even realized she'd been hungry until now.

Then when she saw the clock she couldn't hold in her quiet gasp, because she definitely hadn't thought it was dinner time already. The day had kind of passed in a blur for her.

It seemed that her gasp had alerted Callie to her presence, as the brunette spun around, holding the spoon to her chest in surprise. She felt her cheeks warm a bit when Callie's gaze turned concerned, brown eyes all big and caring as they looked her up and down to make sure that she was all in one piece.

"You're back!" Callie's teeth bit into her lip, and Arizona stared at the action, because she couldn't make herself form words right now.

Instead, she nodded.

Then Callie brought the hand not holding the spoon up to her hip, her eyes running up and down Arizona again. Her voice was all low and quiet, "And you're soaked."

Now her hands came up to rub against the material of her top, and her voice was quiet and hoarse when she forced herself to speaking, "It's raining."

No kidding. She rolled her eyes at herself.

The longer they stood there facing each other in the kitchen, the more Arizona was convinced that she had done the right thing by leaving earlier. Because being here? With Callie, who looked all caring and who had somehow made the prospect of sharing her secrets with her seem not scary?

It made Arizona feel… like she was stripped completely bare. There was something about Callie that called out to her and had since the very first day that she'd received her letter. Now that that feeling had only grown and intensified, it felt like her entire soul was on display.

And she didn't know how to handle that feeling on an average day. But she knew that she couldn't handle it right now.

So she cleared her throat, "I'm going to take a shower."

Callie's eyes narrowed as she nodded, her shoulders drawing up a little straighter. Her voice was hesitant when she said, "There are clean towels inside the cabinet next to the sink."

She nodded back and her numb fingers were already peeling at her clothes by the time she reached the bathroom door. The water was hot, and she tipped her head back into it, trying desperately to not hear echoes of memories in her head.

I thought you'd changed. Just… get out. Go!

Her eyes squeezed tightly closed as she shook her head to get rid of the thoughts and memories that wanted to take over. It was easier earlier to not thing about them. When she'd been out and about in the city, disassociated from the people she'd been with. Now, here, it was just warmth and the smell of Callie's shampoo, and everything inside of her mind that she wanted to not thing about and get under control was trying to free itself.

She hated it. She hated it a lot, and as much as she tried to make the tears that were springing to her eyes go away, they didn't seem to be paying any mind to her. She could feel them leaking out and falling off with the hot water.

And Arizona didn't know exactly how long it was that she stood under the steady stream of water before she managed to take some deep breaths and get herself under control again. She didn't have to look in the mirror as she wrapped the towel around herself to know that her eyes would have that redness and slight puffiness that always gave away her tears.

Her intention had been to walk from the bathroom into Callie's room quickly, but her footsteps slowed when she passed by Callie, who was leaning against the kitchen counter, her arms crossed. The brunette's shoulders were drawn up tight and her face looked kind of angry in a way that she'd never seen it.

It was actually frightening, an angry Callie Torres. And it was what slowed her down to a stop instead of walking into the bedroom. But she didn't even get the chance to say anything before Callie huffed and pushed herself up.

Then after a deep breath, she launched into, "Arizona, I was really worried about you today. I mean, I tried calling you and texting you, and you ignored everything. I'm not trying to be – to be annoying or overbearing, but you just disappeared and I couldn't get into contact with you."

She was just… surprised, and everything else left her brain except to say, "I – I was in a hurry to leave this morning, and I left my phone here."

Callie's eyes darkened at that, and the way she bit her lip so hard made Arizona concerned that she woman might actually bite through skin, "You were in such a hurry to get away this morning? I'm – Arizona, you climbed into bed with me."

Her eyebrows knit together in confusion, because what? And the way Callie said it made her think back to the night before, how natural it had felt to slip in behind the brunette and just hold her because Callie had clearly been hurting. Her cheeks burned at the way it sounded when Callie said it, "I know?"

The words didn't seem to deter Callie, though, who seemed to be getting going, "Yeah. You climbed into bed with me, and you held me. And I obviously liked it. But you can't do that. You can't just climb into bed with me and hold me like that and then freak out in the morning and disappear. I know that stuff like this isn't easy for you, opening up and the intimacy of it all, and I've been really, really trying to respect that. But I think you and I and our relationship –" as soon as the word slipped from Callie's lips, the brunette blushed and her breath hitched before she corrected herself, "Our friendship. Our friendship has come far enough that one night of sharing and cuddling doesn't mean another freak out."

Arizona was sure her eyes had never been as wide as they were in this moment, because her mind finally caught up with what Callie was saying. With what Callie thought her disappearing act today had been about. And her mouth opened and closed twice before she finally managed out, "Callie, I wasn't freaking out about cuddling with you last night."

Which, well, that was a whole other development that maybe she should look farther into when she had a clearer mind.

Now dark eyes were looking back, sharing in her confusion, "You weren't? But you said – you…" she trailed off but the question was there.

"I said that I was in a hurry to leave this morning," she paused and brought the hand that wasn't clinging to the towel to keep it up, up to her eyes and wiped over them there she hoped that the evidence of her shower tears were gone, "Because last night, when I said that Tim's death anniversary was coming up? It's today," she finished in a whisper, but she was glad her voice remained steady.

Which was hard, because she hadn't acknowledged him out loud today, and when she did, it made her chest hurt.

It seemed to deflate Callie, and all of that anger she'd seen was immediately replaced with concern, again, "Oh. I – god, Arizona, I'm so sorry. I was an idiot, I shouldn't have… are you okay?"

God. No, not with the way those big brown eyes were looking at her. They kind of made Arizona want to curl up and cry and have Callie there the whole time. Instead, she clenched her jaw, "I'm fine. Or, I will be." In an effort to avoid actually doing what she'd just thought about, she shifted from foot to foot before taking a step towards the bedroom, "I'm just going to get dressed."

Callie nodded, and Arizona felt the way she watched her until she shut the door behind her, before letting out a heavy breath. It was going to be okay, she reassured herself. The day was almost over, and she was still composed. Mostly.

She got dressed slowly, because she really didn't want to go back out to where Callie was. Where she knew her eyes would be full of questions, even if they remained unasked.

As she finished pulling her shirt over her head, her eyes caught on the bookshelf now wedged between Callie's bed and the wall, and blue eyes automatically sought out the books. Those damn books.

Everything in her told her to turn around and go back out to see Callie, because she didn't want to see the gifts from Tim like this. She didn't want to see them or have that very tangible reminder. But her body didn't listen, because she found herself moving to her bed, kneeling on it and crawling across, reaching her hand out for the copy of To Kill a Mockingbird.

Then she sat with it in her hands, lightly running her hands over the spine, before opening the cover and running her eyes over the inscription written to her.

Kick ass. Take names. And never forget the little people. How could she forget the little people? Tim was supposed to be one of "the little people" but she couldn't seem to forget him, could she?

God, that hurt.

She didn't know how long she'd been sitting there, but she knew when Callie knocked on the door before opening it slowly, her eyes had glazed over in tears. Quickly, she wiped them away before looking up at her. Her voice was rough, because her throat felt like it was doing that closing thing that happened when she cried, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" she trailed off, because at this point, she didn't even know what she was intending to say.

But Callie just shrugged and slowly walked over to the edge of the bed, before sitting down beside her. Arizona could feel her warmth, though Callie was barely just brushing her, before she felt a tentative hand come up to touch her chin and turn her face so that she was staring right at Callie's, only inches away.

And those dark eyes were just so earnest as her thumb came up to trace under Arizona's eyes, where was the only evidence of her tears from earlier. Her voice was so low it sent shivers down Arizona's spine, "Doesn't it hurt? Keeping it in all of the time?"

Time froze for a few seconds for her there, and her eyes closed, feeling the softness of Callie's hands against her cheek. Then all Arizona could do in response was nod, because she did agree. She just didn't know how to verbalize that she was terrified that everything would hurt even more if she started to let all these feelings out.

The deep breath she took in was actually painful, and she managed to get out a choked, "Can you… just distract me? Tell me what you did today or – or something?"

Callie seemed dubious of the request, but was only was silent for a few seconds before nodded, "Well, the matinee for the show was today," and Arizona nodded because every Sunday was the matinee. Sometimes on Sundays, if she was free, they would talk earlier than their usual time.

"I performed with Mark's understudy, because he's sick. Now, Jackson is a skilled performer, don't get me wrong. But I think he slacked off in some of the dance practices, because he nearly spun me offstage," Callie continued and gave her a small smile that Arizona knew was entirely for her benefit. And she was grateful for it, because it did make her feel good.

And Callie told her more about the show, which somehow did make her feel calmer. Soothed. She wondered if it was because she now conditioned herself to be calmed by the smooth sound of her voice.

She looked back down at the book on her lap, staring at Tim's name, and she didn't even plan on talking when the words slipped out, "If you think I'm crazy about trying to be perfect, you should meet my parents."

Callie, who had been in the middle of telling her about the understudy, cut herself off, silence coming around them, and Arizona looked up to meet questioning eyes.

And she had no idea where this was coming from, because she had never once had the urge to share like this, but the words were coming up from somewhere deep inside, to answer unspoken questions, "They wanted us to be perfect. Growing up, we – Tim and I –" she paused licking her lips and smoothing her fingers lightly over the pages of the book before continuing, "We had very strict bed times, meal times, no unhealthy foods. All for the "optimum upbringing,"" she felt a bitter scoff work itself out of the back of her throat, eyes narrowing as if she could see her parents right there.

Then she shook her head, and turned to look at Callie, continuing, "They're – my parents – they're not bad. And if it weren't for them, I don't think I would have this drive that I have, which… I'm grateful for. But it was hard, dealing with that when I was younger." Always being pushed to be the best.

Be the first in her class. Win all of her gymnastics meets. Become head cheerleader.

When she could see the way dark eyes softened in empathy, she made herself look away. There was no way she could get through this making eye contact with Callie, seeing her look like that. Her stomach was already feeling like it was clenched tight in knots, so tight she kind of wanted to be sick.

And then Callie's hand brushed over hers, leaving those tingles in it's wake – God, yes, she felt it, too – and she wanted to turn hers over and lace their fingers together. She also wanted to stand up and kind of to run away and not face this.

But she couldn't do that, because these words and the thoughts and the memories were burning brightly in her head, and wanted to come out. And, well, there was no better person for them to come out to than Callie.

So she turned her hand, gripping tightly onto those long fingers, as she took a deep breath, "Tim was the reprieve from how strict my parents were. He – he used to steal me candy bars that we weren't allowed to have unless it was a holiday, and he let me stay up and watch To Kill a Mockingbird on tv after my bedtime when he was babysitting one night. I became obsessed with it," she whispered, thinking back to that night. She'd only been eight, but she remembered it clearly. And how much Atticus's moral code and ethics had just… captivated her.

It was what drove her to be who she was even today.

Callie's hand tightened a little around hers, squeezing a little, as she commented quietly, "It sounds like he was pretty great."

She nodded dimly, as her throat felt constricted, and she whispered, "I loved him a lot." It was hard to say that, to admit to that, and she couldn't help but let go of Callie's hand because she had to stand up and get this buzzing energy out of her system. She was more speaking to herself than Callie when she thought back, "He was three years older than I was, and he… well, he didn't really believe in what my parents pushed. Be better, be the best. He rebelled," she mused, thinking of her parent's word for her "rebel" brother.

Shaking her head, she briefly looked over Callie's face, before looking away and looking down at the book sitting next to her, "He hung out with the wrong sort of crowd. The school skipping, drug using kind of crowd. He began using when he was a junior," then she frowned, thinking over what she could remember from that time before shaking her head, "He was probably doing other stuff before that. But he was doing heroine by the time he was a senior. It was bad; he dropped out before graduation."

Callie's surprised intake of breath was kind of expected. She'd only told a very abridged version of this once before, to April, and it was always unexpected from people. As if they couldn't imagine perfect Arizona with her dropout, drug addicted brother.

Sometimes it didn't seem real to her, either. Except, most of the time, it did.

"My parents kicked him out, and I was forbidden to see him. He stayed around town for a little while, though," she whispered, thinking about the times she would see him hanging out around the convenient store or near the library. He always liked to read, just like she did. "I didn't know how to feel about him. Because I still, I don't know. I still loved him," her cheeks burned from embarrassment at that, because of all of the times her parents had told her Tim wasn't her brother anymore.

When Callie's voice came, low and soothing, from behind her, it made her shiver, "Arizona, he was your brother. Of course you loved him."

But Callie didn't really understand, not that Arizona could expect her to. And she shrugged, "I guess. But I was mad at him. For being the disappointment and for becoming addicted. And even more, I was mad because after he left, it was even more focus on me. To get into ivy league schools, every move was monitored like I was a problem child," she scowled at the thought before pushing her hands through damp, drying blonde hair.

It was now that things were going to get bad, though, and these were the times she pointedly tried to block out. She didn't want to share these things. Not with anyone. Her gaze slid to the way Callie sat on the edge of the bed, like she just wanted to spring up and wrap her arms around Arizona.

She kind of wanted it, too.

Instead, she wrapped her own arms around her waist and took a deep breath. Because she'd come this far, and after everything – after their months of friendship, after all of the times Callie had been so patient with her, and after Callie Torres had somehow become so close to her that a day didn't feel complete without her – maybe she owed this to her.

At least, she felt like she did.

So she clenched her hands at her sides and took a deep breath, trying to push down the sick feeling in her stomach, "My last year of high school, he showed up at my house, and he looked… awful," she whispered, thinking of how she'd been able to see him when he turned up on the doorstep, looking over her parent's shoulders. He'd looked thin and gaunt and just sick, "My parents turned him away. And all I did was see the way he looked in my head, and I was worried about him or something," she mumbled, because it all seemed far away.

She could tell Callie was going to say something comforting, but she couldn't hear it now, so she pushed on, "I found him a few days later and I knew my parents were going to be out for a few hours, so I invited him back home. I don't know, I thought he could use a shower and some of his old clothes. He was so grateful," she could remember his Tim smile that he'd given her, clear as day. Then she felt sick, "I was in the middle of making him something to eat, because he just looked so thin, like it was unnatural."

Callie just nodded now, when she broke up and looked at her. But now, Callie actually did stand and she took Arizona's clenched hand, in hers, drawing her back to the bed and pulling her down.

And it was only then that Arizona realized she was shaking, and she didn't know for sure if it was because of the memories or the sharing of the memories, but she thought it was a combination.

Her hand curled around the brunette's tightly, "While I was cooking, he snuck out." With a humorless laugh, she met Callie's eyes, "With my dad's and my laptops, and my mom's jewelry. My parents were… god, they were so mad. They've never been so angry with me." She could clearly remember the lectures and the yelling and the severe grounding she'd received.

"What happened with Tim, then?" Callie prompted, after she'd trailed off for a few moments.

She shrugged, "They pressed charges, of course. But he was long gone by then. I didn't… I didn't try to look for him this time. I was done with him. I – wanted to be done with him," she corrected quietly, because as much as she'd wanted it to be that easy, it hadn't been, "I was mad. But I focused on college, and was even more determined to stick to what I wanted. And when I was in my first year at UPenn, I got this from Tim in the mail," she reached out with her free hand for the book, because now her other one was so tightly holding Callie's, she couldn't let go.

Her finger traced the cover and she shook her head, "I still don't know how he – if he asked people back in town about me or how he knew. But he kept sending me little things throughout the years. Sometimes those candy bars, like we were kids. A couple of times, more books," her eyes cut toward the copy of Inherit the Wind sitting on the bookshelf.

She bit into her bottom lip as her fingers finally disentangled from Callie's so that she could scoot herself back and pull her knees up to her chest, smoothing her fingers over the bottom of her sweatpants.

Shaking her head, she stared at her knees, before closing her eyes tightly, "I know that I'm not – this isn't the worst thing people go through. It seems so silly to really be upset, right? Because he did it to himself."

Then she felt that soft hand on her chin again, forcing her to look at Callie, whose look was so intense, it made her heart race, "Arizona, are you kidding? You – you have every right to be upset."

It almost hurt to look away from that, that seriously caring look, but she tore her gaze away because she didn't know how to look at Callie and finish everything, "Maybe. A year ago from today, he showed up at the sorority house. I didn't – I've always been a private person," she informed Callie, needlessly.

Callie's hand trailed to her jaw, then up so she was tucking Arizona's hair behind her ear, and her voice was low and teasing, which might have made Arizona upset if it was anyone else aside from Callie, "You don't say."

All she did was turn slightly into the soft feeling of that hand in her hair, "I didn't know what to do, but I let him in. I mean… it had been years, and he was my brother. He didn't look as bad as he had from high school, either. So, when he said he was clean, I believed him. Tim – he was really charming," she settled on, because it was true, "He seemed like he was the brother I remembered from when we were young, and it was just nice. I – I tried not to think about him for years. But he was always there," she confessed, like it was wrong.

Because that's how it felt.

"It was only a few hours later, and he was getting really fidgety. Like, sick looking. And that's when I realized he wasn't clean, at all. I accused him of coming to see me for money, and we fought. He said I was just like our parents," she whispered, thinking about the way the words had felt like a slap in the face, and even Callie's hand in her hair wasn't comforting her as much as it just had been.

But before Callie could say anything, she swallowed hard, closing her eyes, as her hands held together tightly, "We fought, and all of the girls in the sorority heard it. I told him to get out, that I didn't want to see him anymore, because our parents were right about him," the words felt like they burned her throat.

She'd really thought he'd been there to use her. Like the last time, when he'd used her to steal from them.

Her eyes burned again, and she didn't know if she was going to be able to get the tears to go away this time because they were already blurring her vision, "He left. And – he apparently used before he drove away, because before he was even off campus, he crashed his car and…" she trailed off because the words didn't come, but they'd been printed in the paper the very next day, driver died on impact.

Apparently, she didn't have to say anything, because Callie realized what she was getting at, "God, Arizona…"

She shook her head, though, "I'm – the thing is, it turns out he wasn't even there to steal. From me," she tacked on, with a watery laugh, as she reached up to wipe away these stupid tears that wouldn't stop now, "But before he'd come to see me? He broke into a lot of professor's offices to steal from them. A lot of law professors," she whispered, because god, she had been so humiliated.

When everyone had learned that the person who robbed their professors and had been high as he crashed into the side of the performance hall was her brother – as named in the newspaper – it felt like everything had been crashing down on her. That her past and the whispers she'd left behind in her small town at home were right back.

Like everyone knew her business, and judged her for it. And all she'd been able to do was sit by and wait for it to pass.

She curled her arms around her knees tightly, holding on, as she pressed her forehead to them, "My parents didn't have a service or anything. They didn't even claim his – his body," she choked out, "That's why I couldn't go see them today. I can't… I don't understand."

A few seconds ticked by, and it was enough for her tears to become heavier as much as she wanted to ward them off. But it seemed that the more she tried to fight them, the less it worked, and before she realized it, she was taking in a shuddering breath while her shoulders shook.

And then Callie's hand was gone from stroking through her hair, and she felt herself being shifted, until she was right in Callie's lap, arms firmly around her waist. She could tell the brunette was choosing her words carefully, "I don't know what to say about your parents. All I can say is that I'm sorry they didn't give you a chance to –"

But she shook her head vehemently, "No, you don't understand." She lifted her head and blue eyes stared into brown ones, wishing they could give her answers, "Why is it so easy for them to not care anymore? Why can't I be like that?" she asked, her voice breaking, as her eyes filled again, but she kept them on Callie's, who looked like she was close to tears herself. "Why can't I control this?"

"Arizona, you're not supposed to be able to control your feelings," Callie told her in a soft voice, and before Arizona could shake her head, Callie stroked one of her hands up her side, to cup her cheek so she had to stay there, "That's not the way it works."

Blonde hair moved as she shook her head, and pressed her face down, against the soft skin of Callie's neck, "I hate the way I feel when things aren't perfect and how panicked I feel when I can't control everything." She bit off, shuddering when Callie's hand ran up and down her back in comforting circles, which just made her eyes fill again, and she sniffled, "I hate Tim for doing that to himself. To me. And for exposing it all to my school and my peers. I hate that I care so much about him and what happened. I shouldn't," she rambled on, only managing to stop when Callie's hands cupped her jaw again, and forced her to look up.

And she felt embarrassed, sitting here like this. Telling her life story to the brunette, crying to her, complaining to her when Callie had her own stuff that she dealt with. But there was no judgment there when Callie whispered to her, "It's not wrong to care, Arizona. And I'm glad that you aren't like your parents. Because I like that you care so much. I know it's hard, but you handle it well."

A laugh that could hardly be described as such forced it's way out, "I handle it well? Look at me, Callie." She didn't even just mean now, whimpering and crying on her lap, but in general, "I push everyone away – I pushed you away. And the worst part is, I don't know how to just stop and let someone in."

Not without feeling that panicked feeling anyway.

"I don't know how to tell you this, but…" she trailed off, until Arizona leaned back a bit, so they could make eye contact, and hands smoothed down her back again, "This, right here? You kind of just did."

Please let me know what you think! Thank you so much for every comment before this, it means a lot. Thank you so much for reading. The girls are finally getting somewhere!

Also, I realize that an email was sent out a few hours ago, about the last chapter again? But I don't really know why or how that happened, considering I didn't change anything... A glitch? I'm not sure.