Breathe Me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
I love the smell of nail varnish. I love the smell of nail varnish as it stings your nostrils and temporarily taints the inside of your nose with a sharp and lingering odour. I have just painted my nails blue and I cannot help but admire my handiwork when I know that I should be doing better things with my free time.
I sigh to myself as I arch my body deeper into my chair. The breeze which travels across my face is divine and the only company I keep is the sound of the ocean that crashes into my ears from the beach which neighbours my home. I inhale so deeply that I think my chest will burst and hold the breathe for a moment, living in the eye of the small storm that I have made for myself, before releasing the air for my lungs contently.
I turn my head lazily to the side and squint out of my temporarily closed eyes. My French-doors are opened wide onto the balcony so that I might hear and smell the surf and the distant cries of people on the beach, without having to leave the comfort of my bedroom. The atmosphere around me is warm and I am only wearing a small pair of shorts and a vest-top. I feel naked in my exposed skin, yet exhilarated from the feeling as I relax in my chair, when I should be doing homework, but the weekend is young.
The front door opens and distracts me. I hear a muffled, female voice call my name and I frown to myself before turning my attention back to the neglected book in my lap, but chew my bottom lip with apprehension as I hear her light footsteps upon the stairs.
I can almost count down the seconds until my door is flung open and my best friend stands on the threshold of my room. I do not look up, because I dread to, so I merely drawl, "Hello Lilly."
Lilly shuts the door behind her and crosses the room to my bed where she makes her presence known by flumping heavily down onto the mattress. I raise an eyebrow in response to her action, but I still do not give her my full attention.
"Everything alright?" I ask casually and coolly flick over a page in my book, awaiting her inevitable conversation that will keep me captivated if I do not keep my mind away from its incessant longing to devour everything that she has to say.
Lilly merely groans with her head pushed down into my bed covers and the sound she emits sends a tremor through me, despite the hot summer day that lurks on the other side of my windows. "Miley, help…" She calls out to me softly and finally I look up.
I take another deep breath in an attempt to calm myself when I catch sight of her long blonde hair, sprawled out across my pillows as she lies down on her front, inevitably flooding the bed with her fragrance enough to drive me wild when I try to sleep tonight. I shake my head and get to my feet before crossing the distance between us and sitting down next to her. My hand extends slowly from my side, seemingly acting of its own accord, and is soon hovering over her body, yearning to touch and to stroke the girl before me; but I am restrained.
"Are you okay?" I ask gently, and my voice is quiet, expectant of all of the troubles which she is about to bestow upon me.
Her face twists in my pillow whilst she shakes her head negatively and eventually her eyes find mine. "Not really." She replies and across her face is uncoiling a small smile.
My fingertips fly to her hair where they twist into its golden depths, an act of compassion I am sure, "Will you tell me what's wrong?" My voice almost whines with its need to help her.
Lilly sighs and sits up to lean against the headboard of my bed before beckoning me to do the same. My heart leaps in my chest, but on the exterior I only blink before complying with her whim. We are soon sitting together and our shoulders are touching whilst I await her divulgences.
"It's Oliver." Lilly states eventually and she shifts into a more comfortable position beside me.
"Oliver?" I repeat his name and it is harder to pronounce, it feels thicker on my tongue.
"Yeah." Lilly says softly, and trepidation is clearly laced in her tone, "God, I feel so stupid coming here to tell you this." She looks to me and I can see that within she is cringing, and I can only too painfully predict what she is about to reveal. "He wants to have sex with me Miley."
My eyes widen before I can control my expression and my lips part as I look at Lilly. My heart quickens and I have to fight to keep my breathing even, why is it always this difficult?
"Oh." That is my only answer.
"Hmm." Lilly hums out whilst she watches me nervously.
Normality is something which I feel that I need to inject into our conversation, "Wow, things are really getting serious between you and the doughnut then, huh?"
Lilly nods timidly, "Yup. They sure do seem to be." She grins unexpectedly and I feel my stomach churn as it matches her shift in emotion, "Sorry, I'm just getting so worked up about all of this and I just had to come round to see you."
I am smiling now; it is an easy reaction to assume when Lilly is in a good mood herself, "I'm glad that you came round. I'm really happy that you still feel that you can tell me these things." And because we don't get to spend any time together anymore, and when we're apart I'm worried about whether he's touching you. I thought to myself, but quickly blinked away the turmoil.
"You always seem to make things better Miley." Lilly quietly confesses and she nestles her head into my shoulder.
We are sitting and enjoying the silence together. My hand drifts over to her arm and I run my fingers lightly up and down, enjoying the sensation of the goosebumps which I bring to the surface of her skin. Lilly sighs and I know that she is comforted by my presence, yet this thought brings a clashing mixture of pleasure and pain to me.
"Miley?" Her voice calls out to me again, dissolving the silence and wrapping me up, even closer to her.
"Yeah?" I reply and my voice is low, lulling her in to disperse her worries.
"I'm just scared. I've never, you know, done it, before."
My eyebrows fly up into my hair, yet her anxious face is too appealing for me to resist and so I turn to soothe her, "Well, neither have I." I reply honestly and she chews her lip.
"I was happy enough just kissing him, but maybe I'm not very good at that so he wants to try something more?"
I laugh now; Lilly can be so silly sometimes. I have spent years during conversations with her admiring her lips, sneaking coveted glances at their every pout and curl, and longing to know how they would feel against my own.
"Lilly, don't be so stupid, of course you're a good kisser."
"How would you know? You've never kissed me before." She replies good-humouredly and pokes out her tongue at me.
I shrug lightly, desperately trying to quell the disturbing lust that brews within me, "I just assume that you would be."
Lilly suddenly blushes and turns her head away, an unusual action from the girl who is usually so confident and relaxed about herself. "What? What is it?" I ask her gently and she turns to enlighten me with a goofy grin.
"It's nothing." She replies and a light giggle escapes her.
I am instantly intrigued and I prod her, "Come on Lilly, you can tell me." Lilly's face is near scarlet in colour and butterflies whirl irksomely about my chest in response.
"Well, would you tell me?" Her voice is small because she has just buried her face in her hands.
"Tell you what?" I appear to be slow to catch on, yet a mounting hope is building within me, shrinking my windpipe with trepidation and I am finding it harder to breathe.
"…Will you?" She asks and her anxiety confirms that I know exactly what she means.
My initial reaction is my mind cutting across all irrational desire, to reign in the fervent disturbances which grow in my chest in an attempt to prevent myself getting hurt. Yet my heart speaks out to me, You only live once.
"I will." I murmur and I see her unravel before me, and she twists her torso nearer to mine so that we can test the waters.
I rest my hands on the upper parts of her arms and squeeze gently whilst she blushes and tilts her head away, clearly feeling foolish, but I am not about to waste the moment. I am patient and soon she faces me once more, I see her moisten her lips and the sign encourages me. Her face is getting closer to mine, although I have not felt myself move, and our eyes are lingering, connected and awaiting the final moment to close. My eyes flutter shut and her breath is warm on my lips.
The kiss is even more than I had ever imagined it to be and I find myself hoping that it will never end. Her mouth is soft and she is timid at first, yet soon something is writhing between us, a swelling longing which has long gone unspoken from my behalf, and now I am praying that she feels it too. Lilly's damp tongue surprises me as it flickers forward and lightly presses against my own, where we lap at each other's mouths, drinking in the tastes.
We draw away and I am shaking all over. Her eyes are half-closed and her fingertips go to her lips. "Wow." She breathes quietly and I can only watch, awaiting her next move.
"I was right. You are a good kisser." I whisper to her and my hand reaches shamelessly across, to fiddle with her hair, to stroke her cheek and to come to rest with my wrist upon her shoulder and my fingers closed around her neck. I hold us together for fear that we should break apart.
Lilly's eyes are closed and I can feel the internal debate radiating from her as her face twitches and her eyes finally open; burning and afraid. "Then what will happen?" She dares to speak, my chest is on fire and I realise that I have been subconsciously holding my breath.
I remain collected as I slowly draw in more air whilst my mind races with the possibilities that she has unknowingly presented to me, "Well, the kissing will start you off." I reply simply, yet my answer is lame. My spare hand goes up to her shoulder where I trail my fingers lightly down her arm and she shudders. "It will leave you wanting more, and then the rest is what naturally follows." I finish and I can barely disguise my desire for her as her blue eyes flicker over my own, desperately trying to read me.
"Oliver's kisses have never left me feeling like that." Lilly replied honestly and I am surprised. "But…" Lilly looks confused now and her eyes are pleading whilst they return to my lips and I swallow nervously, "…I feel something." She breathes and she is leaning in closer to me.
Her lips are on mine again and I would scream from longing if I let myself. She is devouring me and my hand flies to her waist, to hold her to me as we both ascend to our knees where we struggle in each other's embrace. She is whimpering against my mouth, finally sensitive to the want that she has not felt for Oliver and I carelessly take my advantage.
I lower her slowly back onto the bed, wary that I need to take my time and be gentle or else she will realise her mistake and she will leave me. I cannot be alone. I have been so achingly alone for too long. I need Lilly Truscott to complete me. Without her I am nothing.
She is gasping for breathe as I break the searing contact between our lips and press them instead to the corner of her mouth, which has grown damp. I brush her face with yielding kisses, devoted to the softness of her stained cheeks, the line of her jaw and the pulse-point of her neck. Beneath my lips I can feel the palpitations of her heart and my tongue licks the spot, marking my territory.
Lilly is trembling beneath me and I turn my head to meet her eyes whilst I lie on top of her, restricting her movement and, therefore, escape, although she does not seem to want to go anywhere.
"I will show you." I mutter gruffly and she nods whilst she curls her fingers into my hair, wraps her hands around the back of my head and brings me back down to crash our lips together once more. She bites my lower lip and I groan; this is ecstasy.
I run a steady hand up and down her side, allowing my thumb to brush once up and over the small mound that is her right breast. She gasps and I waste no time in helping her body upward, so that I might pull her top up and over her head, to send it falling to the floor. Her eyes are wide and blazing, the look which she is giving me causes a pulse-point between my legs to quiver dangerously and I wet my lips.
Her small hands are tugging at my clothing and there is no resistance from me in allowing her to gain what she desires. Our bodies are slowly shed of their modest coverings, and we are naked until our waists, which are only protected by the slight sheathing of our underwear. I cover her body with my own once more, pressing our chests together and delighting in the hiss which she releases from the burning touch of skin on skin.
My mouth is once more blessing her lips whilst my hands are restlessly exploring her chest. My heart is pounding from every grunt or whine of pleasure which she dares to emit. I am clumsy and inexperienced in my actions, but this only drives me onward as I yearn to discover her taste, touch and sound. I am bathed in the essence of Lilly Truscott and I will never grow cold from wanting her.
Fingertips curl around the hem of my own underpants and I pause in my ministrations. Her eyes connect with mine once more and within them I catch sight of a raw craving which I have never noticed before. I slowly nod my head and she removes the last of my clothing. My body is shaking as I am consumed by a fiery longing for her touch, but first I am quick in my own movement to leave her just as naked as I am.
I return to hover above her, our bodies pushed together and our mouths moving as one since we wordlessly express our yearning for one another with our lips and tongues. I am wary in my next movement, yet I cannot hold back for much longer for fear that she will cower away and leave in realisation of what I am doing. My hand is creeping its way down her stomach, weaving a path which I have never dared to tread with her before, although it has made my skin itch with desire.
I find my target and my hand slips between her legs. She gasps as someone else touches her for the first time and I mirror the sound. It is the strangest feeling to touch her. She is warm and wet and her whole body trembles when my fingers find her centre. It is like touching myself; only she feels smaller than me and I almost groan from the sensation of her awaiting flesh. I secretly promise that I will be the first person to steer her to completion and, mercilessly, I drive my fingers down hard.
Our bodies are moving nervously and my initiations are far from graceful, yet this does not seem to matter. Her eyes are squeezed shut and she is biting down on her lower lip, holding in a whimper or a grunt, any sign of longing which she cannot dare bring herself to emit, but I will draw it from her.
Her hands are upon my body, carelessly roaming across my chest, revelling in the smoothness of my stomach and the softness of my bottom. She shifts her body beneath me so that I am turned to come to rest upon the mattress at her side, and we are properly entwined in one another's arms. I can tell that she is close from her change in breathing; she is hoarser now and she shakes more.
I gasp suddenly as hot fingers purge my core and stroke at my own throbbing flesh. Lilly is so near, yet she refuses to go without me. I groan my approval and she is spurred onwards in her deeds. We are trembling and sweating, heaving and gasping, until something inside of my best friend breaks and a single sound destroys our poorly assembled silence: "Miley…"
My name upon her lips at such a moment was all that it took for me to toss back my head as the greatest wave mounted within me and overwhelmed all other thought. A void took over my mind as pleasure ripped through me and for an instant I was lost to the world that I knew, and plunged in darkness.
As I begin to piece together the parts of me that I temporarily misplaced after Lilly's actions I become aware only of her. Her body is warm as it lies beside me, and I can feel her heart beating in her chest as she still clings to me, and thus I edge closer. My entire bed smells of sex and of Lilly. My fingertips tingle as I wipe their moistness on the sheets. My lips find hers and we share a soft kiss, which only holds devotion, rather than the endless passion from before. We lie still like this for a while, the sounds from the beach as our only reminder of the outer world, and I am certain that she has fallen asleep. My own mind is becoming slowly hazier and finally darkness settles over me and, for a short while, I know no more.
x-x-x-x-x
Movement beside me on the mattress brings life slowly back into my hazy mind. My eyes flutter and part with some small difficulty and I am greeted by my naked best friend, sat up rigidly in my bed with the covers pulled up over herself as far as she could manage. My brow creases into a frown as I acknowledge the painful doubt which has settled over her features and her eyes are wide in panic.
"Lilly?" I call out to her softly and raise my hand to her wrist, a gesture of supplication and an attempt to get her to lie with me once more.
Lilly is shaking her head and her body shifts away from my deploring motion, her eyes barely able to disguise the regret which has trickled so ruthlessly into them. I feel as if I am paralysed, for I dare not move in case I should frighten her away. To have Lilly Truscott leave me when I have just completed my heart's most painful desire with her would break me.
Lilly tugs at the cord between us as she heaves herself clumsily out of my bed with a sheet firmly wrapped about her torso. I can only watch quietly with eyes that grow ever wider as she scrabbles about on my floor for her clothes. I sit up quickly and do not care that my top half is exposed for her to see, she barely looks at me anyway. "Lilly, don't do this." I implore and my voice is low, the sound carrying dangerously across the room.
She looks as if she is about to cry. I can see that she is torn between staying and leaving, the greatest choice of her young life is about to be made and she is riding a thin line atop a conflict of opposites. She must choose; boy or girl, like or love, brown or blue, earth or water, cold or hot, safety or risk, grey or colour, easy or difficult…
"I'm sorry Miley." She finally speaks and her voice is wracked with sobs, "I should never have come."
Tears streak down my own cheeks as my expression mirrors hers and I brush them away with a shaking hand whilst I watch her attempt to dress herself, trying to expose as little of her bare flesh as possible. It feels as if the entirety of my existence had been riding on what had happened in the short space of this afternoon, and now I am going to be left hurting.
The door closes behind her and I do not wait for her to leave my house before I scream. The sound reverberated around the small space of my bedroom and pierced through the walls enough so that I could hear her stumble in the hallway in response to my pitiful cry. She does not stop though and the sound of her retreating footsteps seems to tramp on my heart, wearing me down until I am left, naked and alone, crying into my pillows. I feel cold, hollow, empty and lacking warmth. I sob and my bed coverings become gradually damper until I feel that I could drown in my misery. She has broken me.