Chapter 18:

It was exhaustion that sparked her outburst, but a pure curiosity that caused her to pursue it. The thin twitch to her jaw, the steady hold of her azure eyes demanded a response from him. The heavy thump in her chest resented her for everything she was worth. Clarke recognized, like most things, that she could have approached the subject differently but there were things she needed to know about his feelings. She was tired of harvesting doubt about him—their future, their lives, if they were going to last—and she was tired of having to live within the anxiety of not knowing.

Clarke loved Bellamy, and she didn't feel completely insane for feeling that way a month into their relationship.

Yet, when her body reacted to his tell-tale silence before her brain, she knew that she had done something stupid. Mute minutes passed between them, his eyes scanning her face before they averted to the dirt. Painfully, time progressed until she got tired of watching him struggle to form the correct response. Bellamy's jaw was slack by the time he finally returned his gaze to her. In the films she'd watched before she was thrown into prison—something relatable to this moment—she'd watched masculine men profess their love as if it were completely obvious to everyone in the entire world, as if the whole subject was nonchalant because the girls had to know they loved her. Every action these men performed for "the one" proved it was incurable love.

She cursed these movies for given her a single ounce of hope.

His tongue swept out of his mouth, wetting his lip before he finally confirmed what she'd known all along. He spoke in a sad whisper but he might as well have been screaming over her loud heartbeat. The blood rushed to her ears and she felt like she was going to pass out. "I could love you, maybe one day…I don't know, Clarke…but—" She knew it was a cliché, but her heart stopped on impact with his confession.

The wry laugh that escaped her was borderline mental but she had to cut him off from saying anything he really didn't mean. "Just admit it, Bellamy, it's okay to admit that you're fulfilling your obligation as the father of this child. I get it, it sucks that you got me pregnant. It sucks that you have to put on this façade and be responsible for another person. You've spent your whole life being responsible for someone else and I fucked up. I impulsively put you in a situation you shouldn't have to be in." Her teeth pinched her lip because she was embarrassed how raspy her voice sounded, how hurt she was over a pipe-dream. Bellamy Blake love her? He only loved his sister. The idea that he would love her just because they sleep together, just because they trust each other, just because he cares about her, just because she's carrying his child made her delusional.

It made her the irrational, delusional little fool John Murphy knew she was from the moment he caught her throwing up in a bucket.

"Hey," He raised his voice, giving her a glare that said he was far from done with their conversation. Unfortunately, Clarke didn't want to bask in the turmoil of her short-lived relationship with him.

His voice was higher in volume than before when she forced back her evident tears. Clarke didn't want to cry, she didn't want to be emotional over the fact that Bellamy was honest with her in a way that most guys wouldn't be. She didn't want to feel a tornado of respect and disappointment with him. "I care about you." He still spoke at the volume he used when he wanted to get one of the guards' attention, but his tone was far softer in comparison. The look in his eyes said, don't do this.

And she knew hers said, I have to.

Her arms crossed tightly over her chest, resting on her sensitive breast a lot harder than she was conscious of while he tilted his head, mouth open as if he were fighting for words once more. "I know." The one thing she couldn't say was Bellamy didn't care about her. He cared about her to a fault and that was most likely what got her into this situation, it was probably the reason she was able to fall so quickly. Though, even if he lacked a care towards her she knew he would always care for their child. Even if he didn't love her, he would love their baby. "I care about you, too."

The truth of her situation rested firmly under her arms.

Eight weeks on Earth and her entire life was falling apart…and she thought the worst thing had been the explosion and the throb of her leg. Her mother killed her father—a man she genuinely loved—for the "better good", for the love of the people on the Ark. Where the fuck had love gotten her? On Earth. Where the hell had recklessness landed her? Pregnant. The whole emotional bonding with another person was seeming far more overrated than usual. "I don't know how you want me to respond, Clarke. I don't know what to say to make this right for you."

Finally, she answered his question from minutes ago—god, it was only minutes ago. "Yes."

He furrowed his brows tightly as he looked at her. "What?"

Clarke forced herself to directly meet his searching eyes. With a deep breath she continued, "We have an expiration date, Bellamy."

"That's not what I want." He stated firmly, "I want you, Clarke. I want to be with you."

"But I can't be with you." She shook her head, fighting the tears that threatened to push past the rims of her eyes. The bags were obvious when there was a flush of red under her cheeks—the pressure of the day only continued to build, "I want to be that girl that says you don't have to say it now. I know that's the right thing to do but you don't even know if you're capable of loving me right now. You aren't ready for the commitment I need on a romantic level." She quickly moved forward, "I know you're going to be the best father this planet as seen in a hundred years. Just because you don't feel the way I feel about you doesn't mean that you aren't doing right by me."

Bellamy started shaking his head, hands balling into fists as he tried to fight the heavy words from forming in his mind. He breathed through his nose, "I'm not ready for this to end."

"It doesn't have to end forever…but I—you aren't ready to love someone that isn't your family and I need to focus more on being a parent and taking care of myself, learning how to take care of myself without depending on anyone. I've been depending on my parents, on the system and ever since I got pregnant…you." Clarke wet her dry lips, "Maybe it's time to focus on ourselves and preparing for the baby instead of a relationship."

"Clarke."

"I think this is what they call a break."

"I don't want to take a break. I want to wake up with you tucked into my side and stealing the blankets, even if I complain about it. I want you to give me that glare you give me when I say something stupid. I want to kiss you and I want to hold you." His jaw ticked, "I just want you, Clarke and even if I'm not ready to fall in love…I'm ready for you."

"Bellamy…"

"You're the only person I want."

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Don't freak out.

This chapter was tough to write, probably even harder to read.