Chapter 2: A Night to End All Regrets
(Years later…After Aizen's fall…)
Renji dropped down at his desk, trying hard to ignore the continued aching in his abused body and wondering briefly when his taichou would return from the first division. He hadn't seen Byakuya since catching sight of the noble as he drifted in and out of consciousness, following his battle with the big Espada it had taken (he heard) both Byakuya and Zaraki taichou to bring down. Knowing that fact brought some much needed healing to his wounded pride, but he still didn't feel like he had done enough. He had fought hard, yes. And he had made some brilliant moves. But he hadn't, in the end, triumphed over Szayel Aporro or the monster Espada, whose name kept eluding him.
"Shit," he muttered, shaking his head.
Rukia had nearly died, but she had taken down the ninth Espada, and Ichigo had, after dying and being revived a few times, triumphed over Grimmjow, Ulquiorra and, in the end (with a little help from Kisuke) Aizen, himself. It seemed that everyone who had gone after Orihime had done more to aid in her rescue than he had. He tried to turn his mind to other things, but it was an inescapable fact. Despite his considerable power, despite his time at Byakuya's side, growing stronger and mastering his ban kai, he still fell short. He shook his head, unable to make the thought go away and found himself reaching for the bottle of sake he'd hidden in his desk.
He only relied on it when things got really bad, but things, it seemed, were bad enough now, given the letdown of having been unconscious during the bulk of the fight leading to Aizen's fall. Only after the big Espada had fallen, was he revived and sent back with Rukia to join the others, who gathered around Ichigo as he learned that he was going to lose his shinigami powers.
"What a huge, fucking waste…" he whispered, his fingers finding the glass bottle in his desk, "The kid's a damned miracle of reiatsu power and soon he'll be nothing again…"
But at least, he thought, Ichigo got the chance to be something before that. He had gone all out and, in the end, given everything to protect the ones he loved. And he'd been successful in it…unlike…
He would have continued to batter himself as he drank his way slowly into oblivion, but before he could even unscrew the cursed cap on the bottle, the door flew open and Rikichi scampered in.
Renji stared, oddly entranced at seeing something so unbelievingly normal, something he'd seen repeatedly, ever since the little fuck up had joined the sixth division. Rikichi flew past his desk, in desperate pursuit of a hell butterfly, making a breeze that sent half the papers on Renji's desk fluttering away…tripping over the trashcan and tumbling awkwardly to the floor. And as if to punctuate things, the door opened again and Byakuya walked in, paused, then turned a stern eye towards Renji.
"I see things have returned to their normal state here," he commented dryly, "You know Abarai, those reports are not going to get done if they are scattered all over the floor…"
"Yeah…yeah, I know, Taichou," Renji said, starting to rise.
He paused as Byakuya's hand motioned for him to sit again.
"Let the boy do it," he said, off-handedly, "You've barely been put back together. Rikichi…"
"Ah…" Rikichi said, almost freezing under Byakuya's gaze, "Hai, Kuchiki taichou. Sorry, it was my fault, sir, not Renj…um, Abarai fukutaichou's and…"
"The damage will be undone more quickly if you cease explaining and start moving the papers."
"Y-yes, of course, Kuchiki taichou!" Rikichi said as the hell butterfly fluttered to Byakuya and landed on his fingertip.
Renji watched as Byakuya sat down at his desk and Rikichi slowly began picking up the papers that had fallen. He felt bad for the kid being embarrassed like that right in front of Byakuya. It seemed the kid spent a hell of a lot of the time being embarrassed and screwing up. It made Renji wonder why out of all of the candidates in Rikichi's class at the academy, Byakuya had overlooked several others who were more powerful and selected this gentle, brown-eyed orphan boy that had only requested placement in Squad Six.
A pang of guilt passed through Renji as he thought about why Rikichi had done that.
Renji joined Ikkaku, Yumichika and the other blood-covered survivors of the eleventh who had gone into the Rukon to fight off a massive horde of particularly nasty hollows. As was normal for the eleventh, casualties on both sides had been high. It had hurt Renji inside to watch his comrades fall and die in front of him, but Zaraki taichou had no sympathy for them. In his opinion, if they couldn't keep themselves alive, then they weren't worth having in the division anyway. Battles were just a way of weeding out the unworthy. Renji's upbringing in Inuzuri had made him hard enough inside to bear the losses, but he felt them much more deeply than his taichou.
But what Renji thought, he kept carefully to himself. After all, he hadn't chosen to be placed in the eleventh. He still didn't understand why, but Aizen taichou of the fifth division had arranged for his transfer to the eleventh. It was a promotion from his position in the fifth, but even before Aizen's betrayal, Renji had sensed that the man seemed not to like him so much. And everyone knew that when another taichou transferred a squad member to the eleventh, he was sending the person there with reasonable assurance he would die. It still chilled Renji that Aizen had thought that way about him, while treating him so gently on the surface. But that was Aizen…calm and gentle on the surface and deadly underneath. Renji was pleased now that even then he had defied Aizen by living long enough and growing strong enough to be noticed by the sixth division taichou he wanted so much to surpass.
In any case, on that particular day in the Rukon, one of the villagers of the town they were in came up to him and handed him a clay cup filled with cool water. His gentle brown eyes fastened on Renji and then widened as he took in the sight of his tattoos and his zanpakutou.
"Abarai-san!" the boy said, sounding nearly breathless, "Arigato, for saving our town, sir! We are very much in your debt. If you like, I will heal your wounds. I have some healing power."
Renji grinned at the boy, thinking how good it was to encounter such innocence and to know that the fighting and dying that went on around him actually had meaning beyond the one Zaraki taichou referred to…having fun and spilling blood. Renji had different feelings about why he fought…but to protect himself from failing in his taichou's eyes, his kept his thoughts inside. Well, except for moments like that…moments that reminded him that he fought to protect people. He heard Ikkaku snicker at the kid's words and reached back to smack him for his rudeness. He smiled down at Rikichi and patted him on the head.
"I'm fine, kid. But thank you for offering."
He started to turn away as his group moved on, but then paused and gazed down at the boy for a moment. The child looked back at Renji with wide eyes and a stunned expression.
"Hey," he said softly, "If you have healing power…any power, in fact…and you want to help? You practice your abilities and get stronger. And when you are old enough, go to the shingami academy. We need healers and fighters, kid."
"R-Rikichi," the boy said quietly, "My name is Rikichi. And I will do that, Abarai-san. And maybe someday, I'll be a strong fighter like you!"
He turned and ran before Renji could answer, leaving the redhead scratching his head and grinning.
"He really likes you," commented Yumichika, smirking.
"Shut up," Renji muttered, shaking his head and rejoining his group.
He had been taken by surprise upon seeing Rikichi's face among the group Byakuya had chosen out of a huge file of applicants, some years later. He remembered picking up the file and noting that the kid had respectable power and could usually get his shikai to operate, but he was outclassed by every other applicant Byakuya had selected. At the time, he had been too nervous about even talking to Byakuya when the man had not addressed him, so he kept his questions to himself and never asked why. He welcomed Rikichi with the rest of the recruits and later took him aside and welcomed him personally. He'd found himself smiling again at Rikichi's nervousness, and that cute, wide-eyed look he gave his superior officer. And then he saw the tattoo over the kid's eye and asked about it.
"You are the reason I reason I made myself stronger and qualified for the academy," he had told Renji, "I told that to my counselor at the academy and he put that there so that I would remember my reason for becoming a shinigami. I want to be able to fight…to defend the villages like you do."
He noticed right away that the kid was floundering and quietly assigned a couple of junior officers to work with him so that he wouldn't embarrass himself. And Rikichi improved enough that no one questioned why he was in the squad, but he was still unseated, still just considered fodder for the battlefield.
But he hadn't died yet, so there was still hope for Rikichi. He could still fight and protect as Renji did. But hopefully, he wouldn't be as much of a fuck up as Renji thought himself to be. He watched as Rikichi picked up the papers from the floor and piled them neatly on Renji's desk. A hell butterfly fluttered into the room and Rikichi moved to catch it, missed again and fell against the desk, upsetting the papers again. Byakuya went on blithely with his work, as though nothing had happened. Renji watched quietly as Rikichi sighed, lowered himself, and began picking up the papers again. Renji leaned back, stretching his still-aching body, then rose and moved to help Rikichi.
"Abarai," said Byakuya, without raising his eyes.
Renji froze, then gave Rikichi a sympathetic look and returned to his desk. His reiatsu flared softly and he couldn't help but be a little pissed at his taichou for calling him out just for trying to give the kid a hand. But he understood that he was a fukutaichou and had to act like one, so he sat down and scowled at the papers in front of him, calmly ignoring Rikichi until the last paper was set back on his desk. As the youth set the papers down, Renji touched his hand lightly and offered him a smile and a short nod. Rikichi smiled, bowed and left the room, wearing a much happier expression.
Renji addressed his work again, but found his head and back aching so much from his injuries that he could barely see straight enough to read. He managed for as long as he could, biting his lips as he worked to keep the pain inside. But as the pain began to overwhelm him, he stole glances at his taichou to make sure his disturbed reiatsu wasn't bothering him. It was then that he noticed that Byakuya was sitting differently than normal. In addition to that, his movements were shorter and lacked the usual grace.
He's in pain. He's in a hell of a lot of pain for it to be affecting him like that. I know he and Zaraki battled each other after they defeated the Espada. They fought each other until Aizen fell, then had to leave it in a draw, because the way was opened for us to return home. I knew he was hurting, but I figured he would go to the fourth division for more healing after. I wonder…
"Is there a problem, Abarai?" Byakuya asked, startling him out of his reverie, "You were staring."
"Oh, sorry, I uh…was just…lost in thought," he stammered, groaning inwardly and feeling as pathetic as Rikichi.
Gods, no wonder I like the kid. We are a lot alike…just a couple of fuck ups that got a lucky break being assigned here.
"Daydream after work hours," Byakuya said, his voice betraying a touch of the pain Renji knew he was feeling.
Renji let out a short breath and started to go back to work. But as he continued to try to concentrate, he kept noticing how uncomfortable Byakuya looked. And he knew he had to say something when he saw sweat break out on the noble's skin. He stood and walked to Byakuya's desk, sitting down in the chair beside it. Byakuya continued to work, as though not noticing he was there. Renji shook his head and tightened his lips, forcing himself to speak, even though he knew he'd probably be chided for it.
"Taichou, I apologize for interrupting you, but…your reiatsu is very disturbed, and I couldn't help but notice how uncomfortable you seem. I know you and Zaraki taichou…"
"You are not to speak of what you saw take place between the eleventh division taichou and me. It is between us and does not concern…"
"I know. I won't say anything. But…shouldn't you have gone to the fourth division for healing when you returned?"
"I was ordered not to."
Renji's eyes widened.
"Wh-what?"
Byakuya looked up at him and Renji went breathless at the amount of pain he could sense Byakuya was in. His own pain shrank away in the face of it, and he swallowed hard, staring.
"Pain is a consequence of failure. I did not perform as expected of a taichou, and so was left to feel the pain of my shortcomings."
"S-Soutaichou would not let you be healed?"
"Neither Zaraki taichou nor me," Byakuya said quietly, "Though I believe he was more infuriated by us losing our haoris in the fighting than he was about us engaging in a personal duel at what he considered to be an inappropriate time and place."
Renji caught his breath sharply.
"He knew?!" the redhead gasped, "How…?"
He had never seen his taichou roll his eyes before and had to bite his lips to keep from smiling in an inappropriate situation. After all, Byakuya was in a lot of pain.
"Of course Soutaichou knew," Byakuya said reprovingly, "He certainly wasn't made Soutaichou for his looks and charm, Renji. He sensed it. And he expects that we should manage the results of our misbehavior to remind us not to act so foolishly again."
"I get what he's saying, but that's pretty harsh, Taichou. And besides, I'm sure not all of your injuries were from fighting Zaraki taichou."
His eyes narrowed slightly.
"Would you like me to heal you, Taichou?" he offered, "I know it's against the rules, but come on…you're barely able to function."
"I will not disobey the direct order of my superior officer," Byakuya said firmly, "Nor will you."
Renji gazed at him quietly for a moment, then stood and turned away.
"However," Byakuya said softly, "I do not believe it would be disobeying him to indulge in a cup of hot tea…perhaps with a bit of that sake you keep in your desk. It is after hours now."
Renji looked back at Byakuya, a smile crawling across his face.
"Sure thing, Taichou," he said, moving to his desk and retrieving the sake.
He carried the bottle down the hallway to the squad kitchen and prepared two cups of tea that were not so much tea as sake, then returned to the squad room and set the tea in front of Byakuya. He sat down again in the chair beside Byakuya's desk and sipped at his own cup as Byakuya picked his up and breathed in the vapor. His eyes blinked slowly and he took a sip, then a deeper swallow as he realized that the tea was cool enough to manage without waiting.
"I don't think I've seen you drink sake before, Taichou," Renji commented as he filled Byakuya's empty teacup with sake.
"I don't…except at special occasions," Byakuya admitted, "but it does seem to be taking the edge off."
"Good, now chase it with that," Renji suggested.
Byakuya lifted the cup and sipped at it.
"No," said Renji, "that's how you drink at your cousin's formal wedding. If you want the pain to go away, you have to do it like this."
He raised his cup and emptied it, then set it on the table. Byakuya eyed him for a moment, then reached for his cup and emptied it as Renji had his, catching his breath slightly and coughing as he finished it.
"That does seem to be helping," he said, nodding and starting to look drowsy, "Pour another."
"Ah, I'll give you one more," Renji said, "but this is really potent and you're not used to it, so no more than that, okay?"
But after his second cup, his mind lost track of things and before he knew it, the bottle was empty and Byakuya was collapsed and leaned forward, sleeping on his desk.
"Well," said Renji, "Thass not good. L-less get you into bed 'kay?"
It turned out to have been a good thing that the pain was dulled as Renji dropped him several times and bumped him into the walls here and there as he carried his drunken taichou into his bedroom. He set the noble in his bed and started to stagger out of the room. But he felt too bad to leave as Byakuya leaned over the edge of the bed and threw up on the floor.
"Shit," he muttered, moving to assist the noble, "That's not good."