CHAPTER 7
As hard as she tried, she couldn't sleep at all that night. Kagami tossed and turned in her bed and tried every possible comfortable position but it was no use. The haunting memories of the past month continued to replay in her mind and to a certain extent, Kagami was relieved that she didn't sleep because she would only dream about two departed people she truly missed. Ever since Matsuri's death, all Kagami could see in her mind was her face and at times, she could hear their last fight before she left the house for the last time. The only thing she could do to take her mind off these swirling intuitions of pain was to watch her alarm clock tick by second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour.
Kagami watched it all the way into the early hours of the morning and began to pull herself up when she saw the glowing sun outside crack through her curtain-drawn window. She sat at the edge of her bed and continued to roll the idea of meeting Ryuji today in her mind, wondering if this was truly the best viable option for her. Even though she knew her family was there, she still didn't have any faith. She had faith in them, but not in herself. Regrettably, in that self-imposed isolation, Kagami's guilt was able to convince her that she was neither worthy of their time or love. Aside from suicide, there was only one other option to numb the pain of her dead sister and friend.
She slowly stood, stretched, and walked to her door. Slowly opening it, Kagami's pain and guilt began to break her spirits once again when she looked down and saw a sight that made her want to cry. Her younger fraternal twin Tsukasa was propped against the wall asleep in her pajamas with a blanket covering her and a pillow keeping her back comfortable. It was now abundantly clear to Kagami that Tsukasa had spent the entire night just outside her bedroom door, unable to leave her ailing sister's side. It only further proved Tsukasa's love and loyalty to her big sister.
Sighing deeply, Kagami slowly stepped forward and sat down next to her sister and looked at her. The twin-tailed girl never really saw it before, but Tsukasa was very cute when she was asleep. Her soft snores that were carried on her feminine voice, her soft and delicate features in her morning complexion, and her overall sweet and caring persona that never seemed to fade. Everything about her was wonderful and Kagami gently pulled her sister close as they continued to sit in the hallway.
The slight disturbance in bodily movements gently awoke the younger twin and when she lifted her eyes and saw her sister hugging her, her energy spiked. She quickly tightened the hug around Kagami and when she pulled back, Tsukasa began to examine her sister from head to toe. When she saw that Kagami was fine, Tsukasa sniffed and hugged Kagami again with growing happiness while rubbing her back.
"Are…are you okay now, sis?" Tsukasa whimpered. "Please tell me you're not suffering anymore…because when you're hurting…I hurt too."
At only six o'clock in the morning, Tsukasa once again began crying as she held Kagami, barely noticing that Kagami remained unresponsive to her sister's ecstatic gestures. Kagami depressingly replied, "We'll see, Tsukasa. But I have a sense I'll be feeling better before today is over."
Though Tsukasa was still innocently oblivious to her sister's phone call the previous night, she heard the words from Kagami and interpreted them literally. Tsukasa's happiness began to come back and for her, hope seemed to be returning. The youngest Hiiragi daughter's desire to see her sister happy again was so desperately craved that she wasn't able to hear the inflections in Kagami's voice that painted a portrait of a girl about to throw herself off a cliff. She only heard the words, not the emotions, but that was still good enough for her as Tsukasa stood up and also pulled Kagami to her feet.
"Let me fix you breakfast, sis!" Tsukasa exclaimed happily. "After that, I want to go shopping with you! I saw this sale on outfits at the mall advertised in a magazine and I really thought they would look great on you so please say yes!"
Still staring at the floor, Kagami was afraid to look her younger sister in the eyes. She knew how much Tsukasa looked up to her and even though Kagami hadn't thrown herself down her planned abyss yet, her eyes were still soaking in guilt from all that she believed she had done and all that she was going to do. To keep Tsukasa's recovering happiness afloat, Kagami slowly nodded to accept all of her sister's warm affections, which was followed by Tsukasa grabbing her older sister's wrist and guiding her downstairs. Tsukasa joined hands with Kagami, something she hadn't done since their first day of middle school and it was her way of showing that she didn't want to let go of her big sister.
The once again happy youngest Hiiragi daughter led Kagami downstairs and into the kitchen, where Kagami took a seat as Tsukasa let her go and began preparing breakfast for her. She was so caught up in her rediscovered euphoria that she still didn't notice the life essence in Kagami's eyes was gone while she stared dumbly at the table as she sat. To a certain extent, Kagami was grateful that her sister didn't have the ability to read minds for if she did, it would lead her catatonic in fright and horror if she learned of everything going through Kagami's head. Tsukasa's innocence continued to show as she hummed happily over the stovetop and began talking to Kagami again.
"We're gonna have so much fun today, sis! I'm going to make you a great breakfast and then we'll get to spend the whole day together! I still have that magazine where I saw all those ads for the sales so I'll show it to you while you eat and you can pick out all the places you want to go." Tsukasa planned happily and loudly.
It soon caught the attention of her parents and the two slowly walked downstairs and witnessed the new scene of life unfolding in their kitchen. Miki observed everything first and asked with a yawn, "What's going on?"
"Look mom, sis is feeling a whole lot better!" Tsukasa happily proclaimed.
Miki and Tadao turned to Kagami and saw her physical form sitting there, but it wasn't as pretty of a picture as Tsukasa's emotions illustrated. The concerned mother slowly bent down to look Kagami in her eyes as she continued to project them downward with their focus on the table. They still screamed depression and guilt over what happened with even a hint of a mind pushed to the edge and on the verge of shutting down and pushing everything out.
"Are you okay now, dear?" Miki asked to measure her daughter's response.
Upon hearing her mother's voice, Kagami blinked several times and looked up, her eyes showing more life and color in them. "Yes…yes I think I'm going to be fine now. I just need to take my mind off everything and Tsukasa said she would take me shopping."
"Oh? That sounds nice." Tadao said with a smile.
Miki slowly pulled her head back and also followed her husband's gesture, though for different reasons. She added with a fake smile, "That does sound nice. You two girls have fun today."
"We will, mom." Tsukasa enthusiastically replied and continued to cook for her sister.
Trying to make it look casual, Miki guided her husband into the living room while Tsukasa added more to the conversation while Kagami once again went silent. When the two were out of range, Miki wanted to express her concerns but Tadao vocalized his observations first.
"Well, uh, she seems a bit better, don't you think?" He asked.
Miki glanced at her two distant daughters one more time until she turned back. "I don't know. Did you see the look in her eyes? I can't quite put my finger on it but something is telling me that she's not out of the woods and I don't think Tsukasa can see it."
Tadao scratched his chin. "It is possible that Tsukasa just wants her sister back and is overstepping some boundaries, but you have to admit that her heart is in the right place. I mean, she was finally able to get Kagami to come out of her room and you know how badly she felt when she couldn't do that the first few times, right?"
Miki sighed and nodded. "Yeah I guess so."
"And besides, maybe some fresh air and exercise and being in the crowd with Tsukasa will do her some good. It'll keep her mind busy and she's better off with Tsukasa than confined to her room all day where she can only dwell on Matsuri and Kusakabe." Tadao retorted.
His wife couldn't argue with his logic but still couldn't shake the feeling her mother's intuition was giving her. She had never seen that kind of look in Kagami's eyes before and it disturbed her not only because of how depressed it looked, but because it also disclosed hints that she was planning on doing something that she would more than likely disapprove of. Miki concluded that it was all still part of her daughter's recovery process and tried to put it out of her mind. She had to admit that it was a heartwarming sight to see Tsukasa care so greatly for her older sister and all that she wanted to do to cheer her up despite her own wounded heart from losing Matsuri.
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Kagami continued to play along for Tsukasa's sake as they walked side-by-side each other at their local mall. Tsukasa still clutched the magazine while practically bouncing off the walls with great enthusiasm as it seemed to her that she was finally able to puncture Kagami's frigid and isolated persona. Though the twin-tailed girl didn't say much throughout the day, she still smiled and nodded or agreed with Tsukasa every now and then, if only to keep her smiling and laughing. Tsukasa didn't notice it though but Kagami kept glancing at her watch whenever her back was turned since there was a specific appointment Kagami had in mind.
"It's this one in here, sis!" Tsukasa snatched Kagami's clammy hand and guided her into the clothing store amidst the busy shopping center.
Tsukasa knew where she was going and led Kagami to a corner of the store where it held several complementary ensembles of skirts and tops and the youngest Hiiragi twin wasted no time in styling her sister. Kagami complied and played along and even made suggestions herself to make the wardrobe more into her personality, but everything she did for Tsukasa was a show. The twin-tailed girl didn't know it, but her mind was in the early stages of a civil war; one side trying to keep her in the light by sticking close to her family and reciting her father's words the previous night, while the other side was pulling Kagami towards a darker and dangerous part of the world she lived in. Regardless, Kagami could still see that Tsukasa only had love to give so the twin-tailed sibling extended her charade.
Even though her conscience was still heavily battered by all that had happened within the past month, Kagami still had to admit that she had fun with Tsukasa. They visited so many clothing stores and to Kagami's surprise and even premature disapproval, Tsukasa even bought a few outfits for her sister with her own money. When Kagami confronted Tsukasa on this, the innocent and caring twin wouldn't have it any other way and wouldn't leave until they walked out with a new wardrobe for Kagami.
As Kagami and Tsukasa made their way to the food court, they approached a store that didn't even register in Tsukasa's mind as she walked past it with a smile still on her face. However, when Kagami made her way past it, she felt an ominous chill run down her spine when she turned and looked up at the sign containing the store's name.
The Black Window
Kagami's eyes drifted and spotted several different types of wardrobes worn by mannequins, most of them female. The clothes were the kind of articles that would never be worn in the Hiiragi household. Short miniskirts with short tops that gave off promiscuous vibes, as well as fishnet leggings and knee-high black boots, and tops that revealed the navel and barely covered the breasts, in addition to tight leather pants designed for showing off specific curves and had small chain links wrapped around the belt loops. Other ensembles included simple shirts and hoodies that contained graphic images of the grim reaper, graveyards, and other dark illustrations.
Any other day of the week, Kagami would've huffed in disgust at such promiscuous outfits, yet she somehow couldn't help but feel that she too was now standing at a black window in her mind and was about to open it. With her eyes still scanning the store's window displays, her sister's words echoed in her mind until she snapped herself out of her trance when Tsukasa spoke again.
"Hey Kagami, are you okay?" She asked sweetly and Kagami turned her head again to look forward at her.
Tsukasa was standing and waiting for her, still ignorant of the civil war raging in her sister's mind that the light side was now losing ground on as the darkness pushed forward. Regardless, Kagami quickly shook her head and strolled up to Tsukasa's side, allowing the two to continue walking as she replied, "Yes I'm fine. I just thought I saw something weird."
"Oh, okay." Tsukasa charmingly replied with a giggle. "So how about some chicken curry? I know it's not exactly lunch time yet but all that walking really got me hungry."
Kagami giggled back and agreed with her as they eyed the food court one floor below them in the crowd of other shoppers. As Kagami observed the food court from their balcony position, something not only caught her eye, but it also drove a knife deep into her heart. She saw a girl sitting with her back turned towards her with auburn-colored hair in a familiar ruffled style and had a figure that Kagami wouldn't mistake for anyone else, along with the appropriate age.
Matsuri.
Kagami once again froze in her footsteps as she squinted to try and confirm all that she was seeing as Tsukasa once again stopped when she realized her older sister halted as well. She called her name again but this time Kagami wasn't going to respond. The twin-tailed girl was convinced she was seeing her dead sister and when the person she watched stood and readied to leave, Kagami dropped all her shopping bags and made a mad dash for the escalator that would take her down to the part of the food court to head off this reincarnation of Matsuri.
Tsukasa screamed Kagami's name over the crowd but she ignored her and continued to plow her way through the crowd, knocking several people out of the way in the process. Kagami arrived at the escalator and quickly spun around to step on it, nearly knocking an elderly shopper over in the process as she panted and continued to run down the already moving structure. Nearly tripping on the step at the bottom, Kagami stumbled forward and regained her balance as she ran into the food court and saw the auburn-haired girl still walking towards the mall's exit.
Her heart pounded relentlessly and sweat dripped from her forehead from her physical exercise and the mounting stress and excitement. In Kagami's mind, she was convinced that her big sister couldn't have been taken down by something as petty as a car crash so she still had to be alive. Kagami wanted to believe that in the worst way as she continued to plow through the walls of people.
Kagami pushed forward and this time knocked over a man carrying a tray of food, making a scene and a splatter. He yelled angrily at her as more people in the food court turned their heads upon hearing the commotion and saw the frantic twin-tailed girl make her final approach to her target.
"Matsuri!" Kagami cried and grabbed the shoulder of the auburn-haired girl, making her quickly spin and reveal her face while also attracting attention to the scene she was creating.
Kagami's hopes were smashed and her heart was broken in a fraction of a second when the face met her eyes. It wasn't Matsuri. This girl was a complete stranger and the only thing she had in common with Matsuri was her hair color, style, and age. Kagami was startled and jumped back in surprise and the full reality began to set in as the strange girl backed away from her with confusion and in fear. The two stared at each other in the awkward setting until Kagami was forced to come clean.
"I'm…I'm sorry. I just…you…you…I thought you were somebody else." Kagami quickly said towards the end with guilt and embarrassment.
"Uh…forget about it." The girl said and quickly turned and scurried away, leaving Kagami standing alone in the center of the food court with all eyes on her.
She could hear some children giggling at her while most of the adults were whispering about her. Kagami once again felt a chill run throughout her body and she couldn't help but hug herself tightly and lower her head. Turning to walk away, she did her best to keep her eyes locked on the floor to avoid contact with everyone's judgmental stares. Seeing that the drama was over, most of the people in the food court lost interest and resumed their business until Kagami made it back to the escalator and saw Tsukasa arrive at the bottom with all the bags in hand and a sad look on her face.
"Sis…?" She asked meekly, prompting Kagami to look away again.
"Tsukasa…I'm not well. I think I'm sick." Was Kagami's only response.
Tsukasa's face scrunched as her eyes swelled. Thinking she had made a mistake by taking her out, Tsukasa whispered bleakly, "Do…do you want to go home now?"
When Kagami wasted no time in nodding while still hugging herself and looking down, Tsukasa felt her eyes constrict with water and she nodded back. She felt defeat once again and her conscience was bruised badly as she felt that she had failed Kagami once again. As bad as Kagami felt, Tsukasa felt worse and guided her quiet and upset sister out of the mall, some people still watching them and gossiping.
The Hiiragi twins stayed silent amongst themselves from the time they left the mall until they reached the train station. It was an agonizing fifteen minutes, especially for Tsukasa. All she wanted to do was help Kagami and cheer her up but it was now clear to her that her sister had a long road to recovery ahead of her. Thinking that this mall outing was a bad idea and nothing more, Tsukasa was still unaware of what was truly racing through Kagami's mind as the silent twin-tailed sibling walked beside her.
There was no doubt about it in Kagami's mind anymore. She had seen her dead sister in physical form and made a spectacle out of it at the mall. Feeling she was at the edge of her rope, Kagami concluded there was only one thing left to do in the absence of suicide. She had hoped that this outing with Tsukasa would prove to her that she was going to be okay and persuade her to abandon her meeting with Ryuji, which as far as he knew was still a go. Regrettably, Kagami was now convinced that she would forever be trapped in this endless maelstrom of guilt, sadness, and dark thoughts. If she couldn't escape the pain and guilt by ending her life, she would do the next best thing in her mind. She would numb the pain with whatever she could and she was counting on Ryuji to show her the way.
"I'm sorry about today, sis. Really. I just wanted to make you feel better. I guess I should stop trying and give you your space." Tsukasa whimpered with defeat. "I just love you so much and I told everyone last night that I just want to see you smile again. Please don't be mad at me."
Kagami was able to exit her futuristic mindset and returned to reality where Tsukasa walked in torment. She placed her hand on Tsukasa's shoulder, grabbing her attention and the youngest Hiiragi twin's sorrow was cast away when she saw Kagami smiling at her for the first time in more than a month. Seeing the picturesque and even scenic gesture on Kagami's alluring face made Tsukasa squeal with happiness and hug her sister in the middle of the crowded station.
As soon as Tsukasa's face was hidden past Kagami's, the twin-tailed girl's smile disappeared as she hugged her sister back. "Tsukasa…you love me, right?"
Once again, Tsukasa was blinded by her inflated emotions and didn't hear the tone in her sister's distraught voice. "Of course, sis. I love you so much."
"And…and you'll always love me…no matter what I do…right?" Kagami whispered and hugged Tsukasa tighter upon finishing her question.
Tsukasa pulled back and still couldn't see the pain and budding darkness in her sister's eyes. Replying with her usual charming and cute smile, Tsukasa said, "You're my sister, Kagami. My hero and idol. I could never feel anything less for you than pure love."
Kagami felt her face burn red and she quickly looked away. With a lump in her throat, she uttered, "Tsukasa…thank you."
The train roared into the station and when it came to a stop and the doors opened, Tsukasa led the way into the car with her bags in tow as Kagami followed. She followed at a much slower pace and when she was aboard the train, Tsukasa was lucky enough to find an empty seat and she sat down while waiting for her sister. Kagami suddenly stopped to adjust her shoe, though it was just an act.
The alarm on the train sounded and the doors began to close, prompting Kagami to make her first of many bad moves. She quickly stepped off the train and back onto the platform just as the doors closed and she quickly looked down. Staring at the concrete, the last thing she heard was her sister's frantic voice calling her name, which was followed by her small fists pounding on the windows.
Kagami still held her head low and allowed her hair to cover her eyes as the train began to speed away with the screaming Tsukasa aboard, leaving only Kagami alone on the platform. The wind created by the train's movements made Kagami's long hair dance and when the train was gone, she slowly lifted her head again, revealing her crying eyes.
"Tsukasa…I love you…and please…forgive me." Kagami whispered as she turned and walked lifelessly like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind towards the nearby part with a clock tower in its center.
Kagami arrived at the peaceful park and eyed the clock tower standing high above the area with several benches at its base. Trembling with every step, she wobbled to one of the empty benches and took a seat while looking at the time. She had five minutes to spare yet her changing attitude gave her a prelude to what her new lifestyle was going to be like. She was already addicted.
Exactly three hundred seconds makeup five minutes and every single one of them felt like a venomous jab at Kagami's heart. With each tick, she felt her body clench tighter and tighter in tension and anticipation that her ongoing pain would soon be buried. Sweating, teeth chattering, knees quaking, and eyes darting in every direction out of paranoia, Kagami didn't know how much longer she could take. As her whole body began to shake like a baby's rattle, a meltdown was soon imminent.
"Hey there." A male voice said from behind Kagami, making her quickly turn and look up at Ryuji, who was carrying a black satchel over his shoulder.
Kagami instantly calmed down and breathed deeply as she scooted over and allowed Ryuji to sit next to her. "Hey yourself. So…do you have something for me?"
Ryuji observed the twin-tailed girl and tilted his head. "Straight to the point I see. I like that in a client. Although I do have to ask; do you know what you're looking for or even how to use it once I give it to you?"
Kagami looked away. "No. My whole life I sneered at this kind of lifestyle and the people who involved themselves in it and I would feel like such a hypocrite…but my pain now trumps my principles. So I'll ask you…will you teach me? Will you be able to take my pain away and make it so that none of this happened?"
Ryuji's observant eyes continued to scan and analyze the twin-tailed girl. He tried to search for any sign or clue that she was bluffing so he could protect himself and his business. Yet when he looked at her, all he saw was the shell of a once idealistic, strong, smart, and confident girl. The two traumatic events that caused her such agony hollowed her completely and now her she sat before him open and vulnerable.
Ryuji nodded and opened his satchel. He pulled out foreign items to Kagami's dying mindset and sat them before her. One was a small bag filled with a white powder, along with a Zippo lighter, a bent spoon with burn marks all over it, and a syringe with a needle in a sealed bag. Kagami gulped upon seeing the needle and quickly looked away.
"What…what is this stuff?" She whimpered.
"It goes by many names but the technical term is heroin." Ryuji replied. "If you want to feel twenty feet tall and indestructible to anything physical or mental, this stuff will do it. Consider this a trial for you. If you don't feel any different after you take it, we'll try something else if you want to."
"Is…is it…dangerous?" Kagami asked again, still trying to keep her focus off the intimidating needle.
Ryuji shook his head. "No. Like I said, consider this a trial."
Because of Kagami's own innocence to such issues, she had no idea Ryuji was trying to feed her one of the most potent and dangerous drugs imaginable. With some of the highest addiction rates to its name, once someone desperate enough got a hold of it, they would never let it go. Ryuji knew this and was still trying to get Kagami to take it for he knew the more addicts he had in his phone's contact list, the more money would be in his pocket. Of course, he also had a manipulative business strategy for the newcomers as well as it always assured they would come crawling back.
Kagami gulped and turned back to him. She nodded. "Okay…I'll do it. How much will this cost."
Ryuji tried to hide his grin by nodding. "Nothing. The first one is always free, Kagami."
Kagami nodded again and allowed Ryuji to take her to a secluded spot behind several trees and bushes where the preparations were made. The drug was mixed with a bit of water in the spoon, followed up by dissolving it by keeping the lighter's flame under the spoon and Kagami watched the whole process keenly and still with an emotionally broken mind. She still barely knew what was about to happen to her, even when Ryuji tied a tourniquet around her arm and wiped a spot over her vein with alcohol.
Ryuji unwrapped the new syringe and took the liquid drug inside its body. Finding the vein on Kagami's arm, he looked up at her one last time with the tip of the needle less than an inch away from her delicate flesh. "Well…shall I?" He asked.
Kagami's face still showed vacancy and hopelessness as she sat and nodded once. Ryuji nodded back and he slid the needle into her arm and into her vein. Kagami didn't wince in pain, even when Ryuji pulled back on the plunger slightly to take in a bit of Kagami's blood before he drove the full plunger down and the liquid disappeared into her body.
The drugs worked fast. Kagami suddenly felt as if she was on a rollercoaster plummeting downward and rocking sharply side to side and she quickly fell back. Ryuji barely had time to take the needle out when Kagami threw herself onto her back and began to breathe loudly. Her body became a furnace and she shook and twitched violently while gargling on her own saliva. Ryuji quickly took her hand and held her down.
"Ride it out, Kagami. This is normal." He whispered and kept looking around for any potential witnesses.
Kagami's mind suddenly became a kaleidoscope of chaos as her flailing began to slow. She suddenly began to see images, shapes, and colors before her own eyes and they filled with tears as she calmed down as the drugs continued to work their dark magic.
Kagami slowly squeezed Ryuji's hand and whispered, "What is that…?"
She began to hear voices. Not just voices, but screams of pure terror and anguish and they weren't her own. She recognized the voices to belong to her family and friends. Sentences began to echo in her mind.
Why are you doing this to us?!
Kagami, calm down! What's wrong?! Please stop destroying our home! Stop! Stop!
Look what you did to yourself!
Sis, please! Don't do this! Don't leave me alone! I need you!
Kagami-san, it hurts! Please…let go! You're my friend! Please stop hitting me!
Why would you do that to them?!
Kagami, help me! Don't let them touch me! Help me!
Kagami, drop the axe! Don't hurt Tsukasa!
You're my daughter! I love you but I cannot forgive this!
You've defiled your body with these animals! You've been selling yourself, Kagami!
What are you?!
I want you out of my house!
You're right, it should have been you and not Matsuri!
Kagami's pupils dilated and her eyes became bloodshot as the madness and the addiction took control of her.