Damn it, why couldn't he stop shaking? It had only been a dream. None of it had been real so why couldn't he just forget and move past it? Reaching out he gripped Sam's arm and held onto it tightly. Despite how real it felt it was just a dream. Dean had never been in those dreams. The sound of Dean's voice had helped break the lingering hold from the dream.

"Look at me please."

Crowley shook his head and burrowed into Sam's side. Sam's arms tightened around him and Crowley desperately tried not to break down. Thankfully Sam didn't try to force him to talk about anything just yet. He was going to have to tell Sam something, he owed him a partial explanation at least. Taking several deep breaths Crowley steadied himself. Raising his head he still refused to look at Sam. He settle for staring at his own hands instead.

"I… The dream…"

"You don't have to talk about if you don't want."

"I have to do this. Just let me get through this please."

Sam remained quiet so Crowley continued.

"I was dreaming about the pits again."

"The pits?"

"The torture pits in hell. One of the first places all new souls visit. It's where they strip your humanity away to prepare you for becoming a demon."

Sam didn't say anything but his arms tightened around Crowley.

"Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you doing this? I mean, why take care of me?"

"Because," Sam said, "someone should."

"If you knew half of the things I've done…"

"Shh. Come on, let's lay down."

Crowley shook his head violently.

"I didn't say we had to sleep, just lay down so we're more comfortable. Okay?"

Crowley bit his lip as he thought about it. Slowly Crowley nodded. When they were finally settled Crowley snuggled against Sam's chest and gripped the arm Sam had draped over him.

"I want you to look at me please."

"I don't know if I can."

"Please?"

Crowley tried but he couldn't. He knew it was his Sam, but something inside didn't want to take the chance he was still dreaming; didn't want to chance it wouldn't be his Sam the next time he looked. Sam's arms tightened around him.

"It was me, wasn't it?"

"No," Crowley growled. Sam would never hurt him the way Not Sam had hurt him. "You wouldn't do that to me. I know it wasn't you."

"But it looked like me?"

Crowley couldn't speak so he just held on to Sam more tightly still shaking.

"It's okay, I've got you. You're safe here."

"Are they alright?"

"I think it was just a nightmare. Sam seemed to have it under control so I didn't stick around too long. What do you think could give Crowley nightmares?."

"Hell," Cass answered simply.

Dean didn't respond as he remembered the time he spent in hell. If Cass hadn't rescued him he would probably still be there. Shivering slightly he drew Cass closer. He had only been in hell for a year. Who knew how long it had taken before they had stripped away enough of Crowley's humanity to turn him into a demon.

"Thank you for not leaving me there."

"I wouldn't have left you there after everything you sacrificed even if I hadn't been ordered to retrieve you," Cass informed him.

"Do you think Crowley really loves Sam?"

"Yes. Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"About Crowley…"

"What about him?"

"This can't last. Eventually he's going to fall to one side or the other."

"What do you mean?"

"Eventually the human blood will win out and suppress the demonic blood completely or it will stop working."

"How long do we have?"

"I don't know," Cass admitted. "I would have said indefinitely."

"Except?"

"When Sam gave him all the blood after Crowley was stabbed by Abaddon it cut the time exponentially. It would be hard for me to even venture a guess with my Grace. Without it?" Cass shrugged.

"Does Crowley know?"

"I doubt it, but he's going to have to decide fairly soon if I'm right. The tenacity with which the human blood is suppressing his demonic blood is increasing drastically. It's only a matter of time before the effects become irreversible."

"Wait, so enough human blood can cure a demon without the ritual?"

"No. It takes the ritual for the human blood to even effect a demon. If the ritual isn't finished the demon's not cured. It's more like he's a demon, just without demonic powers."

"Which means?"

"He's still susceptible to the same things demons, and most of the things mortals have to worry about. He just doesn't have the powers other demons have or a normal mortal lifespan. The ritual actually cures the demon and makes them human again."

"Maybe we should just give him more until it finally wipes out the demonic blood?"

"That's not our choice to make Dean. It's Crowley's life we're talking about. He's the one that has to live with the repercussions."
.

After everything there was no way Crowley was going back to sleep. He spent most of the night talking with Sam. After a long pause in the conversation he had looked over to find Sam sound asleep. Reaching down Crowley snagged the covers and drug them over Sam. Smiling to himself Crowley relaxed and watched Sam sleep.

If there had been anyone who had cared about him half as much as Sam Crowley couldn't remember. Even if Sam couldn't love him it didn't matter. He had to kill Abaddon before she could hurt either of the brothers or even the angel. The one sure way he knew to kill her was a no go. The First Blade was out of the question as Cain would never give him the mark. Cain might give the mark to Dean but the changes the mark would cause in Dean would hurt Sam. No, he had to find another way to stop Abaddon.

Sam shifted in his sleep and Crowley whispered softly. When Sam settled Crowley adjusted the blankets to make sure Sam stayed covered. No matter what happened he had to protect Sam. If that meant he had to protect Sam from himself too then so be it. Crowley frowned as realization dawned on him. He was going to have to leave. If he stayed Sam would constantly be in danger. Even if he could find a way to get rid of Abaddon there were scores of demons that would stop at nothing to kill him.

With all the wards how the hell was he going to manage that? It's not like he could waltz out the front door. Crowley paused, or could he? The angel had broken a few of the wards to allow them access to porting to the brothers when they'd gone to meet Abaddon. If those wards were still broken...

Slowly Crowley extracted himself from Sam's arms. As soon as he was free Crowley felt the loss intently. Sam let out a soft whine and moved closer to where Crowley had been laying. Suck it up, he told himself. You have to let him go to protect him. Crowley readjusted the blankets and kissed Sam lightly on the forehead before leaving the room. Shutting the door quietly he closed his eyes against the pain of actually leaving the only person he could remember loving in his entire life.
.

.
Stretching Sam yawned. Inspecting the room Sam frowned when he didn't see Crowley anywhere. He's probably either eating breakfast or doing research, Sam reasoned. He should have woken me up first, Sam thought. He could catch up with Crowley later. Grabbing a change of clothes he made his way to the shower.

In the shower Sam leaned into the hot spray and let the water run over him as he thought about everything. Crowley had risked his life to save Cass. No matter how powerful a demon was they didn't stand a chance against an angel. Crowley could have been killed but he hadn't hesitated when Cass was in danger. Sam lowered his brows as he thought about it. Had anyone even said thank you? When was the last time anyone had thanked Crowley for the things he had done for them?

Showering quickly Sam paused briefly when he washed his hair. He remembered the smell of his shampoo in Crowley's hair and smiled. Finishing his shower Sam got out and dried off quickly. Dressing he stopped briefly to run his fingers through his hair a few times and made his way down to the kitchen. Dean and Cass were seated at the table eating. Both looked up when Sam entered.

"Crowley," Sam asked.

Cass and Dean exchanged glances.

"Haven't seen him," Dean answered.

"He's probably in the library then," Sam said rolling his eyes.

Heading for the library Sam didn't bother snagging a plate. He'd drag Crowley back to the kitchen for breakfast if needed. Crowley would learn eating wasn't optional to humans or 'mostly-human demons' if Sam had to beat it into him. Entering the library he noted the books on the table but no Crowley anywhere. Sam frowned as he inspected the rest of the library. Still no Crowley… Sam made his way back to the kitchen.

"You two haven't seen Crowley at all?"

"No, why," Dean asked.

"He's not in the library," Sam answered.

"Did you check his room," Cass asked.

Sam shook his head.

"You check your rooms and the rest of the second floor. Cass, you check the first floor. I'll start checking everywhere else." Dean directed.
.

.
"Find Crowley," Dean asked Cass almost thirty minutes later in the foyer.

"No. You or Sam?"

"Not me, haven't seen Sam lately either."

"Maybe we should go find him?"

"Come on let's start checking the second floor."

As both men jogged up the stairs Dean began to worry. First Crowley turned up missing and now Sam? As hard as it was to believe, Crowley might have snuck away if given the opportunity. Sam missing as well worried Dean. Sam wouldn't have left on his own without telling anyone first.

"Sammy," Dean called as he jogged down the hall.

"In here."

Dean stopped the second he heard the tone in Sam's voice. Something was definitely wrong. Rushing to the door of Crowley's room Dean entered and stared at his brother. Sam was sitting on the bed holding a piece of paper in one hand. On the bed lay a pair of pants Dean recognized as his own and a tie. Slowly Sam raised his head. The look in his eyes told Dean everything he needed to know.

"He's gone," Sam whispered.

Sitting on the bed next to Sam Dean reached out and grabbed the paper lightly. Sam let go of the paper and dropped his hand. He sat unmoving staring straight ahead. Bringing the paper closer Dean read the words written.

My Love,

I'm sorry I had to leave this way, I really did want to tell you goodbye. If I had waited to say goodbye in person you would have found some way to get me to stay. I can't do that. I have things I need to do and staying would only have endangered you and your brother. Do not look for me. I've taken steps to ensure that you won't be able to find me.

Thank you for everything you've done. You gave me something I never had before and had completely forgotten could exist. I will always be grateful for the time we had together. You have no idea how much I wish I could have stayed, but you being endangered is unacceptable. I have to do everything I can to make sure you stay safe.

I hope that you don't mind I kept the shirt. You did say I could use it as long as I needed. I need it right now to remind me there are people like you in the world. If you found this then you know I've left the pants on the bed as well as something else of mine. If you don't want to keep it I understand completely. Do with it what you will. Hopefully you can remember something good about the time we spent together. I honestly never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry. Believe that, please?

Yours forever,
~me

Dean rubbed his face and lowered the paper.

"How could he just leave?"

Reaching behind himself Dean put the paper on the bed. As he did so he noticed Cass standing awkwardly in the doorway. Motioning to the paper with a hand Dean reached out and put an arm around his brother.

"I don't understand."

There were answers Dean could give but he held his tongue. None of them would make Sam feel better and most might make everything worse. Whatever lingering doubts Dean had about how the demon felt about Sam were laid to rest by Crowley's letter. There was no denying the emotions portrayed in the letter even if Crowley hadn't been able to write them.

"Why?"

"He told you why Sammy," Dean said quietly.

"He has to know I'll look for him."

"You won't find him."

"I can't just give up on him. I've already done that once."

"He doesn't want to be found Sam."

"I can't give up on him Dean."

"You're not giving up on him. You're respecting his wishes."

"His wishes? His wishes are for me to give up on him Dean."

"You did everything you could, now you have to let him go Sammy."
.

.
Clenching his teeth together Crowley tried hard not to cry out as the withdrawals took their toll. Curled into a ball he rolled over onto his other side. Everything hurt so much. How could it hurt this bad? 'Had worse,' he tried to tell himself. The words did little to comfort him. He would do anything to make the pain stop, absolutely anything.

Despite however much he desperately wanted the pain to end he knew there would be no relief for him. The same wards that kept him from being heard outside would also keep Sam from finding him. Necessary, Crowley tried to tell himself. He had to keep Sam safe. That thought did little to comfort him in the middle of the blood withdrawals. Not since becoming a demon had anything hurt this badly.

Need Sam, his mind told him. Sam would fix everything. If only he could get to Sam everything would be alright. He almost started crawling toward the door before he stopped himself. Can't, Crowley thought stubbornly, he had to keep Sam safe. Another wave of pain sliced through him and Crowley groaned as he rolled back onto his other side. Let me die, please just let me die. When the blackness started to cover the edges his vision Crowley almost laughed in relief. As he slid into blessed unconsciousness his last thoughts were of Sam.
.

.

Dean glanced up as Cass walked into the kitchen. The slight shake of his head that Cass gave was unnecessary as Cass set the plate of food on the table. As little as it was, Dean was the only person who could get Sam to eat anything. Even then it wasn't near enough. With a heavy sigh Dean scrubbed his face with his hands. Four days and Sam was still pining for the half-demon. Something had to give before Dean lost his mind completely.

"I'll go up later and get him to eat something. I need a break for a few minutes."

"You need a good night's sleep," Cass informed him.

Good luck with that, Dean thought. When he wasn't busy making sure Sam ate he was busy trying to keep the nightmares away. Sam never talked about the nightmares and Dean couldn't bring himself to ask Sam about them. Not since Lucifer had Sam's nightmares been this bad. Whatever Sam dreamed about Dean wasn't sure he wanted to know.

"I'll try to take a nap after I try to get Sam to eat something," he told Cass.

"In your own bed," Cass asked hopefully.

"I can't leave him alone that long Cass. You know that."

They'd found out pretty early on if they left Sam alone for too long he would make a break for it. It didn't matter that he didn't have anyway to actually find Crowley. They had already tried every way they knew to find the demon. Sam wouldn't let up until they exhausted every possible method. It was easier just to go along with him than try to dissuade him. In the end nothing worked and Dean wasn't surprise. If Crowley didn't want to be found he wasn't going to be found, that was all there was to that.

"I can watch over him," Cass offered.

"There's no point. I wouldn't be able to sleep unless I was in the same bed. I'd be too worried he slipped past you somehow."

"I should have known how much Sam cared for Crowley."

"Not your fault," Dean reassured Cass. The last thing he needed right now was to have to reassure Cass none of this was his fault. He already had his hands full reassuring Sammy that it hadn't been his fault Crowley had left.

"Is he still in Crowley's room," Dean asked.

"Yeah," Cass confirmed.

Dean rolled his eyes and stood.

"I probably won't be back for a while," he said grabbing the plate of food.

"I know," Cass acknowledge quietly.
.

.

Groaning Crowley rolled over and pressed his face into the bed. Everything still ached beyond belief. How many days had he been unconscious, he wondered. Turning onto his back he was grateful for the darkness. Struggling Crowley finally managed to sit up and sling his legs over the bed. Grabbing his head Crowley winced. As much as the rest of him hurt his head was the worst by far.

Ignoring his head Crowley reached for his power and was pleasantly surprised when he felt it strong and ready. Smiling Crowley used his power to light a fire in the fireplace. So much better, he thought. How had he ever survived without his powers? Frowning Crowley noticed a piece of paper on the nightstand. Picking it up he read the two words.

SAVE SAM

Blinking Crowley thought backward on the past few weeks he'd spent at the bunker. He remembered the events with complete detachment. He vaguely remembered writing the note when he had arrived here. What he couldn't remember was why he would want to help either Winchester. Something nagged at the back of his mind. Ignoring the feeling Crowley wadded up the note and tossed it into the fireplace. Standing Crowley made his way to the closet.

He had bought this place though a third party and had never actually used this safe house before. It was probably one of the safest places he owned. Shoving the suits sideways Crowley finally picked one to wear. Reaching up to loosen his tie Crowley frowned. Suddenly the memory of leaving his tie flashed through his mind. He left his tie… For Sam… Crowley cocked his head as he remembered. He had left his tie because he had taken Sam's shirt.

Crowley rehung the suit. Slowly he walked to the full length mirror hanging on the back of the bedroom door. His eyes locked onto the reflection of the light blue shirt. Memories of the emotions slammed into him and Crowley struggled to breathe. They may have been nothing more than echoes of emotions but even that was almost too much. Blinking rapidly Crowley was surprised when his vision blurred.

Wiping his face against the pillow Crowley turned and checked the wall clock. Two hours, he noted distantly. Did he really just let himself wallow in self pity for two hours? Sitting up again he numbly made his way to the bathroom. Folding the clothing as he removed them he held the shirt for a while just staring. Finally he placed the folded shirt on top of the rest of the clothes.

Reaching for the knob Crowley hissed more in surprise than in actual pain when his hand stung. Bringing his hand up he inspected it pondering the stitches until he remembered the angel that had tried to kill Castiel. Either Sam or Dean had to have stitched his hand. Some sentimental part inside hoped it had been Sam. Crowley frowned at the sentimental part of him and shoved the emotion aside. Emotions were weakness, weakness got you killed. Shaking his head he snapped his wrist and healed the cut.

The reasons he was going to take out Abaddon had nothing to do with any type of emotions for Sam, he told himself. Abaddon had stabbed him, threatened him and taken his position. He had plenty of reasons to get rid of her without restorting to 'emotions'. Reaching down with his other hand he turned the water on and adjusted the temperature. Switching the flow from faucet to shower he reached for the shampoo.
.

.

"We don't have a way to kill her Sammy," Dean repeated exasperated.

"I'm telling you she's the biggest threat to us. If Crowley's going to do something to keep us safe than he'll go after her," Sam argued.

"Going after Abaddon without any way to take her out is suicide."

"I agree, and there's three of us. If Crowley goes after her alone there's no way he'll come out of it alive."

"We're not going after her without a way to kill her Sammy."

"Sam," Cass began.

"And how can you stand by and not try to help him? If it weren't for him you'd be dead right now," Sam pointed out angrily.

"I know that," Cass told Sam gently. "I just don't think the best way to repay that act would be to throw our lives away."

Sam turned back to glare at Dean.

"If it were Cass then we wouldn't even be having this conversation. You would have already run after him plan or no plan."

Dean did his best to hide the flinch. Sam was right. If it was Cass nothing would stop him from finding his angel. That didn't make it right. Dean, at least, knew his faults. Cass was definitely one of his biggest weaknesses. The hunter eyed the exangel. If it was Cass how would he feel? Dean shook his head. He reminded himself Cass would want to be found. Crowley didn't.

"You have to let him go Sammy."

"You wouldn't let Cass go," Sam pointed out.

"Crowley doesn't want to found. You have to let him go."

"Would you let Cass go if it was reversed?"
.

.

Sam... Crowley frowned. Something about Sam incited feelings in him Crowley would rather leave in the past. Angrily Crowley shoved his thoughts of Sam away. Picking up one of the bullets he inspected the markings on the bottom. The devil's trap carved into the bullet was drawn perfectly. Good. Picking up the gun he inspected it. Despite the warding and protections on the bunker the brothers really should have put the Colt somewhere safe.

Without the First Blade there was no way to kill Abaddon. Plan B, incapacitate her and take back hell. He'd shoot the bitch and chop her into pieces. After he had reestablished his position as the king he could find the traitors and make an example of them. Finally he was starting to feel more like himself.

A sharp pain suddenly hit just behind his ribs and he stopped to rub at it. A probable reminder of the blood addiction Crowley reasoned. Speaking of, he could really go for an injection right about now. Shaking his head Crowley told himself the reason he wasn't letting himself give in to the blood addiction was because he needed to be clear headed. At least until he finished taking out Abaddon. It had nothing to do with Sam or Sam's blood.
.

.

Groaning Sam rubbed his chest where the angel had kicked him. The angel advanced on him and Sam jerked back. Before the angel could plunge the knife into him Dean was there. With a sideways lunge Dean tackled the angel. The angel blade clattered across the floor. As Sam struggled to stand Dean pummeled the angel.

The angel took the punches and glared. With a wave of his hand the angel sent Dean flying backward. Stumbling Sam managed to stand. There was no way he could make it to the angel in time. Before the he could take a step the tip of an angel blade appeared through the angel's chest. As the light show started Sam covered his eyes. When the lights finally stopped Sam looked up and saw Cass standing over the body, angel blade in hand. The look on Cass' face caused Sam to freeze. As Dean stumbled to his feet Cass turned to him.

"We should leave before someone shows up to investigate," Cass stated evenly.

Dean made his way over to Sam.

"You alright?"

Sam gave a nod to his brother.

"Then I suggest we take off like Cass suggested."

As the three of them left Cass stopped turned slowly.

"What is it," Sam asked.

"I don't know. Neither of you feel anything odd?"

Both brothers shook their heads. As the three left none of them noticed the partially obscured figure standing down the hallway. When the three were gone the man stepped out into the open and stared at the angel's body. The angel's death had been quick and efficient. Completely unlike the death he had planned for the person killing his children.
.

.
"So do we even know what the connection was," Sam asked as they made their way to the car.

"Not a clue," Dean answered.

"We know he could leave an impact," Sam said rubbing his ribs.

"He killed rapist, murderers and innocents alike," Cass stated. "We could have questioned him but he's dead now."

"About that," Sam began. "I really wish we didn't kill everything immediately."

"There's no reason a random angel would have information on Crowley," Dean huffed as he slid into the driver's seat.

"Could it hurt to ask," Sam growled.

"Sam you're going to have to let it go. If he doesn't want to be found he's not going to be found."

"It doesn't hurt for me to look does it," Sam said rubbing at his ribs.
.

.
Crowley rubbed at his ribs absentmindedly as he finished setting the protections in the warehouse. Hopefully they were unnecessary but it never hurt to be prepared. When he was satisfied Crowley inspected his work. Subtle enough that they wouldn't be felt initially and a few strong enough to give Abaddon a false sense of superiority for feeling them. Crowley nodded to himself pleased.

After he took out Abaddon he could get back to ruling hell. Crowley paused and waited for the rush that always came with remembering his position. It didn't come. Frowning Crowley brushed it off as side effect from kicking the blood habit. Who knew blood could be so addicting? Sam's blood. Frowning Crowley blinked several times. Where the hell had that thought come from? He'd had other blood while he was at the bunker. It was all equally addicting. Wasn't it?

Reaching up to his chest he ran his hands over his shirt. Instead of the usual undershirt he wore the light blue T-shirt he had kept. The implications behind which he really didn't want to ponder. There was no way he was being sentimental. As he stood there his mind flashed back to a random memory.

"Shh. It's okay. I'm not leaving you."

"Please?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"I don't deserve you."

"Doesn't matter. I'm not leaving."

"Sam." God he had to get Sam to give up on him. He didn't want to but he had to…. Fuck he couldn't take comfort in Sam's presence….

"It's okay. I'm here, it's okay."

"Moose," Crowley whimpered.

"Shh. It's okay, Crowley."

"Please."

"Please what?"

No response. How the hell could he tell Sam what he meant to him?

"Talk to me Crowley."

"Stay. Please," he begged.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"No, stay tonight." Crowley raised his head and looked into Sam's eyes. "Nothing has to happen I swear. Just please stay, please?"

"Promise."

"All night?"

"Yes."

Crowley lowered his head and burrowed into Sam's chest again.

"Hey, come on."

Crowley shook his head. He couldn't let go. Wouldn't.

"I'm only moving us to the bed. That's all."

"The bed?"

"Yeah."

"Do I have to let go?"

"Never."

Never sounded really good.

Crowley blinked trying to clear his vision. What the hell was that? Did he really just tear up over thoughts of the younger Winchester? Get a fucking grip, he cursed himself. You're a fucking demon not some teenage girl pining for her boyfriend! Shaking his head Crowley reached into his pants and pulled out his cell.
.

.
"You do realize I can feel your wards?"

A corner of Crowley's mouth turned upwards in a smirk.

"You wouldn't begrudge me a few protections would you?"

"Cut the crap Crowley. When I choose to kill you none of these wards will protect you."

"About that," Crowley began as he casually put his hands into his pockets. "Do we really have to resort to that? Killing is so messy. Can't we come to some other kind of agreement?"

"You know what I find the most shocking about time-traveling through a closet and landing in the year 2013? Somebody thought it would be a good idea to make you king. No Crowley, you're going to die."

"I was afraid of that," Crowley said shaking his head. "Are you sure we can't come to an agreement?"

"Of course we can. As long as you end up dead."

Crowley sighed as he shook his head. "I was afraid of that." Without hesitation Crowley shot Abaddon through the pocket of his suit jacket. Frowning he poked his finger through the hole. Snapping his fingers he fixed the hole.
.

.
Sam frowned and inspected his shirt. He had a vague feeling something was wrong with it but not what.

"Sammy?"

"I hate it when you call me that Dean."

"Yeah well until you're you again I don't much care about what you don't like."

"I'm me Dean."

"Pft, no you're not. You're still pining for the half-demon aren't you?"

"What half-demon," a voice intoned.

All three men jumped at the voice.

"Cain," Cass growled.

"As in Cain and Abel," Dean questioned.

"The same," Cass answered not taking his eyes off of the new arrival.

"Not bad but I would have made the angel suffer."

"Who was he to you," Sam questioned.

"Nobody of consequence," Cain growled.

"If you were intent on killing him," Sam began.

"Oh hush, he wouldn't help you on your quest. I just felt you two deserved help. As much as you need him he needs you. There's my help. Take from it what you will."

"Who," Sam asked.

"Don't play stupid," Cain growled. "It isn't like you."

Where is he," Sam asked immediately.

"That's for you to figure out. I've done what I came to do." With a snap of his wrist Cain disappeared.

"Cain," Dean asked

"The first Knight of Hell," Cass answered.

"Crowley needs me," Sam cut in.

"Really? We get a visit from the first Knight of Hell and that's all you get out of it," Dean asked.

"What do you expect Dean? He said 'As much as you need him he needs you.'