A/N: First off for a little background/ point of reference for this chapter. The song Paige sings at open mic night is One and Only by Adele. If you haven't heard it, listen to it before you read this chapter. It helps that part of the story make more sense. Secondly, I knew the last chapter was going to shake things up but I had no idea I was going to ruffle so many feathers. Naya definitely is doing what I want her to do. Some us know from jump exactly who we are, while others need a little guidance down their path of discovery. Think of Naya as Emily's lesbian Sherpa if you will. She's helping her to navigate this particular part of uncovering her true self. All I ask you guys is for faith and patience. On to the drama...
It's been a week since the debacle know as the get together at Paige's place happened. I've been a jumble of emotions ever since. I've been distancing myself from Naya lately. I've been trying to decipher if the things I'm feeling are an actual visceral attraction to her or if I'm just trying to compensate for the lack of attention from Ben. I'm starting to believe it's more of the former than the latter. I'm becoming more and more certain that Ben and I have reached the end of our time together. It's hard to come to grips with it. He's been such an integral part of my life for so long. Even before we started dating, we were good friends. I don't know how I'm going to cope with him not being apart of my life. That might be the reason I've been hanging on to the last shreds of this relationship hoping things will change. I don't like to fail and I hate to disappoint people. I feel like everyone would be let down if we broke up. I ignore the feelings of dismay and despair associated with him for now and decide to focus my energy on a relationship I can repair. Paige has been pulling this disappearing act for long enough. Its time I do something about it. I knock on her apartment door and wait for her to answer. When none is forthcoming, I use my key and let myself in.
"Paige, Spencer," I call out.
There's no answer. I see Paige's keys on the kitchen counter, so I know she's here. I make my way to her room and knock on the door. There's, again, no answer. She must have her earbuds in. Whenever she's listening to music, she zones out into another world. I open her door and sure enough, she's rocking out to whatever is playing on her IPod. She's sitting on the floor with her books and notes spread out. She looks adorable. She looks up and realizes she isn't alone. She jumps a little when she sees me.
"Hey, I didn't mean to startle you. You didn't answer so I let myself in. Hope that's ok," I say.
"It's ok Em. You don't have to get clearance every time you use your key," she answers.
"Can we talk?" I ask.
She looks like a deer caught in the headlights. I've never seen Paige afraid of a having any kind of exchange with me. It makes me more determined now than ever to get to the bottom of what's going on between us. She gives me a slight head nod and I take that as permission to continue.
"I miss you," I whisper.
"What are you talking about, Em? I haven't gone anywhere," she replies.
"Not physically, but you've checked out on me mentally," I tell her.
She sighs, but doesn't say anything.
"I miss us being us. We don't hang out anymore. We barely talk. I takes an act of God to get you to text me back. I feel like a part of me is missing and I don't like it."
"Em," she says.
"Seriously Paige. I can't go on like this. I already feel like Ben is slipping away. I can't lose you too," I tell her.
She gets a delicate look in her eyes and motions for me to join her on the floor. I sit next to her and she puts her arm around my shoulder. I feel tears well up in my eyes.
"Hey, hey. There's no need to cry,"she consoles.
She wipes a tear from my cheek.
"I'm sorry for being so distant lately. I've just been dealing with my own stuff," she explains.
"But you don't have to deal with it alone. That's what I'm here for. I love you Paige. I support you in any and everything," I say.
"I know. I just didn't want to burden you with my crap. Don't worry about it ok."
I nod my head yes.
"Tell me what you meant about Ben slipping away from you," she says.
"I don't know what there is to tell. Things have been so strained between us lately. And I can't even blame all of it on him. My feelings have been all over the place and I can't make heads or tails of them," I say.
"What do you mean?" she asks.
I bite my lip while I try to formulate exactly what I want to say to her. She waits patiently for me to respond.
"When did you know you were gay?" I ask her.
She's kind of taken aback by my question.
"I guess deep down I've always known. Ever since I was a little girl. I just never knew what to call it. I knew I was different from other little girls."
I giggle a little as I remember our first interaction.
"What's so funny?" she asks.
"I was just remembering the first time we met," I answer.
She laughs as well.
"Remember when you invited me to your tea party?"
"Oh my gosh, yes! You would have thought that I asked you to drown a bag of puppies," I say.
"That's because I had a reputation to uphold and you were trying to sully it," she replies.
"Oh whatever. Admit it, you had a good time."
"I did, but that's because even in the begin, life with you has always been more enjoyable. We've been inseparable ever since," she says.
We smile at each other and silently reminisce on our journey together.
"So what made you ask me that?" she questions.
"Dunno. I was just thinking how I never really asked you that before," I say.
"Speaking of things that we never told each, why didn't you ever tell me that you kissed a girl before?"
"Like I said before, she said it didn't count because we were girls. I didn't think it was anything major," I admit.
"How long ago did this happen?"
"About three years ago," I say.
She hesitates and I can tell she has something she wants to ask me.
"Love you can ask me anything," I tell her.
"Did you like it?"
"If I'm honest with myself, yes I did. I liked it and I liked her, but she made me feel so inconsequential and that my feelings were one sided. I figured it was just a phase. Not long after, Ben and I started dating," I answer.
"Is it anyone I know?" she asks.
"Yes, but I really don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Ok. Hey I'm performing at open mic night tonight. You and Hanna should come," she suggests.
"Sounds like fun. I'll mention it to her," I say.
I stand to get ready to leave. Paige stands as well to walk me out.
"Paige I meant it when I said I can't lose you. Whatever it is, trust you can always come to me. Promise you won't disappear again," I plead.
"Emily you're the biggest piece of my heart. Don't ever doubt that. I promise to never leave your side. Your stuck with me," she says.
I smile at her and pull her into a tight embrace. We hold each other for what feels like forever. I finally pull away.
"I'll see you tonight," I say.
I make my way to class feeling ten pounds lighter and with a bounce in my step. Paige always seems to have whatever it is to cure what ails me. I'll forever be grateful that she sees fit to call me friend...
Hanna and I arrive at the cafe in search of Paige. While trying to find somewhere to sit amongst the crowd of people, I catch Naya in a corner waving us over. I grab ahold of Hanna and we make our way over to her.
"Hey you two," she says.
"Hey yourself. This is the last place I expected to see you. I wouldn't think this is your scene," I say.
"There's all kinds of things you don't know about me gorgeous. Whenever you're ready, I'll be more than willing to show you," she says with a wink.
"Is that so?" I ask.
"You better believe it is," she answers.
"Are you guys going to be doing this all night? If so, I'd rather sit with Mr. Dark and broody over there," Hanna interrupts.
I pull a face at her and turn my attention to the act currently performing. When she's done with her piece, the crowd applauds as Paige makes her way to the stage. Hanna cheers extra loud and I whistle for her. The cafe seems very psyched that she's performing. She appears to have quite a following.
"Good evening everyone. This is something I've been wanting to do for awhile now. Tonight feels like the perfect night to do it. I asked the band to give me a hand. I hope you guys enjoy it," she says.
A hush comes over the room the moment the music starts. She sings the first note and I'm mesmerized. She doesn't take her eyes off of me her entire performance. I feel like she's staring into my soul. She's speaking that language that only she and I understand. It's beautiful and moving and almost brings me to tears. It makes me wonder who has touched her so deeply. I catch a single tear escape her eye as she sings the very last line. She bows her head and the room goes nuts.
"Holy shit," I hear Hanna say.
"Thank you," Paige says.
She makes a hasty retreat from the stage and heads to the door. I stand to follow her, but Naya grabs my arm and shakes her head no.
"Give her a second Em," she says.
I return to my seat with a huff.
"Well I'll be damned," Naya says.
"You just saw what I just saw right?" Hanna asks Naya.
"I have to hand it to her. She has more guts than I gave her credit for," Naya answers.
"Does somebody want to tell me what's going on here?" I ask exasperated.
"We'll talk about it later Em. Let's try to enjoy the rest of the night," Hanna says...
Later that night Hanna and I are in our dorm room trying to come to grips with what just happened at open mic night. We're both on our respective beds. I'm on my back staring at the ceiling, but I can feel Hanna looking at me.
"Whatever it is just say it," I tell her.
"What's been going on with you and Paige lately?" she asks.
"I don't know," I answer honestly.
"Have you guys had some kind of," she hesitates, "encounter?" she inquires.
"Encounter? Like how so?"
"You do know that song tonight was about you right?" she says.
I sit up and gaze at her with a questioning look. She returns my stare until a look of recognition appears on her face.
"You don't know, do you?" she asks.
"I don't know what?"
"You two can be so dense when it comes to each other some times," she says.
"Hanna, could you please speak in English and tell me what's going on," I say frustrated.
"Paige is totally and completely in love with you," she answers matter of factly.
"Of course I know Paige loves me. We tell each other all the time," I say still confused at what point she's trying to make.
"No babe, not loves you but in love with you. Like she wants to hold hands at a Tegan and Sara concert while she makes out with your beautiful face, love."
My jaw drops and I'm trying to comprehend what Hanna is telling me. Paige is in love with me? Has she always been in love with me? I think back to our time together over the years. She's always been so good to me. Sweet and kind. A shoulder to lean on. I've been the same for her. That's just what friends do for each other, right?
"Hanna you're imagining things," I say.
"Say whatever you want, but if you really search yourself you know I'm right."
I run my hands threw my hair and let out a frustrated groan.
"My life is already an emotional wreck right now. The last thing I need is to add this to the equation," I say.
"Why don't we go out tomorrow night? Just the two of us," Hanna suggests.
"I'm not in the mood to party," I answer.
"Who said anything about being in the mood? Honey you need this. We can get drunk and leave all of our troubles on the dance floor."
"I have an early practice Saturday morning. We have a big meet coming up," I say.
"Ok than I can get drunk and you can live vicariously through me. Come on Em. We haven't been to a good party in forever. Midterms are done tomorrow and we deserve to reward ourselves for a job well done," she says.
"I suppose a little partying won't hurt. I have been busting me ass above and beyond lately," I say.
"Exactly! We'll have a good time. It's going to be epic, I promise."
I lay back down and close my eyes. I can't shake the image of Paige serenading me tonight. I can't believe I couldn't see something that's clearly been common knowledge to everyone else in my life. I desperately need to drown my sorrows. Tomorrow can't come fast enough. It's going to be a long night...
Hanna and I have been partying hopping for the last couple of hours. Our first two stops were no bueno, but it seems that third times the charm. This party is definitely what's up. A little bit of everyone seems to be here. I'm half way through my fourth drink of the evening and I'm can feel my inhibitions start to loosen. I lost Hanna about thirty minutes ago when she ran into Caleb. The dance floor is calling me, so I decide to shake a little something. I'm in my own world, eyes closed, lost in my groove when I feel a body press up behind me.
"You don't mind if I cut in, do you?"
A smile runs across my lips as I recognize the voice immediately.
"You're always welcome to dance with me," I answer.
Naya puts her hands around my waist. She smiles when I put my arms around her neck. A slow song comes on and she looks quite pleased with her good fortune. I step closer to her and she raises her brow. I shrug my shoulders and continue to dance. I can feel the heat from her fingertips through my dress. I can tell she's struggling to keep her hands in a neutral zone. I don't help the situation by grinding against her really slow. She lets out a groan when I start to play with the hair at the nape of her neck.
"Doll you have to stop doing that," she strangles out.
"Hmm?" I ask lazily.
"You're driving me to the edge of insanity, but I have a feeling that you know that," she states.
I bite my lip and give her a seductive look.
"My my someone is feeling affectionate this evening," she says.
I give her another shoulder shrug.
"Blame it on the alcohol," I answer.
The song comes to an end and Naya immediately releases me.
"And on that note, I'll be taking my leave before we do something that'll get me in trouble and you'll regret in the morning," she says.
"Chicken," I tease.
She laughs as she walks back in the direction she came from. Nature is calling, so I make my way in search of some relief. I wander aimlessly in the direction I believe the bathroom to be. I try to open one door and it's locked. I try the next room and this door opens. My quest for relief is brought to an immediate halt with what I find in this room. Ben is on the bed and he's making out with Alison.
"Emily!" he exclaims.
"What the fuck is going on Ben!" I shout.
Alison is buttoning her shirt, but she doesn't say a word. She's smiling like the cat that's got the canary. I want to reach across and slap that condescending look off of her face.
"Baby I can explain," he stutters.
"You can explain? I don't need you to explain shit! You and this bitch can have each other!"
I make my way out of the room. I hear him yell after me, but at this point I could care less. I can feel the hot tears stream down my face as I push past people. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I can't breathe. I need to get out of here. I finally make my way to the porch and run right into Paige. She can see right away that I'm distraught.
"Em what's going on?" she asks.
"Nothing," I answer as I try to make my way past her.
"Em?" she says as she pulls me to the side.
"You know what, it's not nothing! It's everything! I'm tired of everyone I trust being dishonest with me!" I scream.
"Em please calm down and tell me what's going on," she says coolly.
"Ben's lying, cheating ass is in there with that slut Alison," I answer.
She doesn't say a word. She pulls me in to a hug and I feel the dam break. I sob into her shoulder.
"Sweetie I'm so sorry," she whispers.
"What does Alison have that I don't?" I ask her.
"Aww honey you're an amazing person. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Ben's an ass. You deserve someone who will treasure you," she replies.
I pull back and look her in the eyes. I don't know if it's the moonlight, the drinks or the heartache, but she's never looked more beautiful. I have a sudden burning desire to kiss her.
"Someone who treasures me the way you do," I state softly.
"Em," she says nervously.
"Hanna told me something about the song you sang last night," I say.
"Emily."
"Is it true Paige? Are you in love with me?" I ask her.
"Em this is not the way I want to have this conversation. Can we talk about this tomorrow when you're sober and thinking more clearly?" She asks.
I step completely out of her embrace and laugh wryly.
"Of course it isn't true. Why would you possibly want me? You know what, I'm going to leave now. I've had enough rejection for one night," I answer.
Paige calls after me, but I don't turn around. I make my way pass the few people standing on the lawn. Hanna did promise this night would be epic. I don't think she had any idea how epically horrible it was going to turn out to be...