A/N: Out of all the chapters I've written so far, this one is my favorite. When I sit down to write a chapter, I have a general idea what I want to accomplish but I don't know what's going to be said/ happen until it comes out. Sometimes I have a certain direction in mind that I want to go and the characters take me in a completely different way. I'm along for this ride as much as you guys are. Forgive me in advance for any spelling/ grammatical errors. It's late and my eyes are starting to cross, but i didn't want to wait to post this. Thanks for all of the favorites/ follows, PMs, reviews, love and support. It's what keeps me motivated...
Nine Years Ago
"I'm really going to miss you," Paige tells Ben. She's trying her hardest to fight the tears forming in her eyes. She can't believe how quickly things spiraled out of control.
"I'm going to miss you too, but I'll be back before you know it," Ben says.
Turns out the prank that they believed to be harmless proved to cause a great deal of trauma. Toby wasn't the one playing in the shed that day. It was Jenna, his step sister, ended up being the victim. The firecracker going off in such a small space injured the girl severely and infuriated her parents. They were in the process of pressing charges against the presumed culprit.
"Why don't you just tell everyone the truth? It's not right for you to get in trouble for something I did," Paige pleaded.
"Paige you've already been through enough messed up stuff. Besides, I promised your mom I would take care of you. So that's what I'm doing," he says.
Mention of her recently deceased mother causes the tears she had been trying to suppress to escape.
"Try not to be so upset okay. You know I hate it when you cry. I'll write as often as I can. Uncle Nick is already making a deal with the Cavanaughs so I won't get in that much trouble with the police," Ben soothes.
"What am I going to do for a whole year without you? Who's going to make sure I'm not alone?" Paige asks.
"Just try to be friendly no matter how hard it is. Who knows who you might meet."...
Present Day
Emily knows I'm in love with her.
Emily knows I'm in love with her.
Emily knows I'm in love with her.
I'm supposed to be focusing on timing my breathing with my strokes, but the thought of Emily knowing that's she my heart's one desire is what's propelling me through the water. I don't know if the situation has me terrified or elated. I must have called her a million times and sent her two million text messages trying to reach her last night. I've been out of my mind with worry ever since she left the party. The only relief, and I use that word lightly, that I've gotten is that she actually showed up for practice this morning. She looks, for lack of better words, like shit. Her eyes are red and swollen. Her hair is all over the place. Anyone with eyes can tell that something is amiss. One things for sure, she hasn't let her grief affect her performance. If anything, it's fueling her to go above and beyond. Unlike me, she's swimming like a dolphin today. While I'm swimming with the grace of a bear. I'm so enraptured with my thoughts, I miscalculate my distance from the wall and my turn is sloppy. I hear the whistle blow.
"McCullers, get your head in the game! Get out of the water now!" coach shouts.
I groan internally at my slip up. It was a novice mistake that might have cost me my spot at the meet next week. I sigh deeply as I take the walk of shame over to the side. I try to make eye contact with Emily as I pass by, but she's found something infinitely more interesting on the opposite wall. Shana gives me a comforting squeeze of the shoulder as I stand next to her. This day is really starting to suck. Practice can't be over soon enough...
Emily must have inherited some kind of super power overnight because there's no way that it's humanly possible for her to have showered and dressed as quickly as she has. I approach her while she's at her locker.
"Em can we talk please?" I ask her.
She zips up her jacket but doesn't acknowledge that I said a thing.
"Em," I try again.
"Paige I don't have the time nor the desire to talk right now," she says.
"Emily I just want to make sure you're okay," I say.
She slams her locker and turns toward me.
"Paige I said I don't want talk about it so drop it," she says through gritted teeth.
She brushes passed me and makes her way out of the locker room. I would give chase but I doubt I'd get very far in just a towel. I sit down defeated on the bench in front of my locker. Shana sits next to me and gives me a friendly nudge with her shoulder.
"Rough night?" she inquires.
"You don't know the half of it," I tell her.
"Care to share over breakfast?" she asks.
"I don't know," I say.
"Why not? You have to eat and I promise I'm a very good listener," she says pleadingly.
I reluctantly tell her yes.
"Great! Give me fifteen minutes and I'll be ready to go," she says.
She heads back over to the other side of the locker room to finish her process while I do the same. I'll give Emily a little space, but I'm not going to let her go through this alone...
Breakfast with Shana is proving to be a welcome distraction. She is so much deeper than my previous encounters with her have led me to believe. She's funny and insightful. I'm actually enjoying myself quite a bit. She has taken me to this little obscure place off campus. It's not much to look at but the food is amazing. I'm getting my fix of bacon and eggs while I listen to her tell me how she fell in love with swimming.
"I wanted to stay in the bathtub forever. He had to practically drag me out," she said.
I laugh as I picture her as I child infatuated with the water. There's a natural pause in the conversation. She gives me the most breathtaking smile. I feel me heart stutter step a little.
"Paige can I be frank with you?" she asks.
"Uh, yea, of course."
"I'm really glad you agreed to have breakfast with me. I think you're the most beautiful girl that I've seen in a long time," she says.
I feel extremely coy and can feel the heat rising in my face.
"You have to know that I find you attractive. Have I not been clear enough?" she asks.
I shrug my shoulders in response. I will admit that I kind of got a vibe from Shana, but I just attributed it to her being friendly. I guess my heart has just been so lost in Emily that it's blinded me from affection from anyone else.
"Well then let me make my intentions known. I think you are absolutely amazing and I would like nothing more than the opportunity to get to know you better," she says.
I'm stunned into silence. To say that I'm flabbergasted would be an understatement. I don't even know how to respond to her admission. Not to mention I haven't spoken to Emily yet. I have no idea where her and I stand as of last night.
"Shana I'm flattered. Really I am, but right now I'm not in the right head space to date anyone," I say.
"Ok I can understand and except that, for now. I would still like the chance to explore our friendship," she says.
"I don't know how much of a friend I can be right now," I say.
"Paige you have this energy about you that's magnetic. I'm powerless against its pull. Whatever you're willing to give I'm willing to take," she pleads.
She presents a good case and I'm hard pressed to resist.
"Ok," I concede.
I'm rewarded with another dazzling smile. I have to admit that I am a little excited at the prospect of spending time with Shana outside of the pool. With the exception of her friendship with Alison, she seems like a decent human being.
"Now it's my turn to be frank," I say.
"Ok shoot," she says.
"We've only hung out a couple of times, but you seem like a really cool person. What I don't get is how you became friends with some one like Alison," I say.
"I admit Alison doesn't always put her best face forward, but deep down her intentions are good," she answers.
"I guess I'll have to take your word for it. The Alison I know is self serving, self centered, selfish and any other word you can think of that puts 'self' first'," I say.
"Well I'll see your Alison and raise you an Emily," she says.
"What do you have against Emily?" I ask her.
"I haven't fallen for the hype that is 'Emily Fields'. I don't think she's all that everyone makes her out to be," she says.
"You haven't given Em a fair chance. She has the purest heart of anyone I've ever known. She came along at a dark time in my life. If it wasn't for her, I don't think I would have made it," I say.
"See! That's exactly what I mean. You put her on some pedestal like she's in the running for sainthood," she explains.
"It's hard to explain," I defend.
"How about we agree to disagree when it comes to Emily and Alison for now," she suggest.
"Agreed," I concur.
"Now tell me everything there is to know about you."...
Shana and I spent so much time at the cafe that breakfast almost turned into lunch. We both reluctantly said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. The minute she's out of my line of vision, my thoughts immediately return to Emily. I know she won't answer my calls, so I decide to ambush her and just show up at her dorm room. The entire walk over, I think about how I'm going to kick Ben's ass the first chance I get. I knock on her door and get no answer. I wait a second and try again. I resort to my Plan B and text Hanna.
Are u home?
No stuck between a hottie and a hard place. :-)
I groan at the mental image.
Have u seen and or talked to Em?
Not since the party.
Some stuff has gone down. It's serious.
Omg I'm on it. Call u when I find her.
I leave Hanna and Emily's place defeated. I feel myself getting more and more angry by the second. My rage drives me directly to Ben's doorstep. I pound on the door.
"Ben! Open the damn door!" I shout.
Within seconds the door is snatched open.
"What the hell do you want Paige?" he growls.
I push him out of the way and storm into his room.
"You know why I'm here! How could you do that to Emily?" I seethe.
"What's going on between Emily and I is none of your damn business," he says.
"Emily means everything to me and I'm not going to stand by and let you break her heart. You told me it was only one time," I say.
"So I lied. I love Emily, really I do, but she's a little tame if you know what I mean. Alison scratches that itch for me from time to time. It's nothing serious. I'm just sowing my wild oats if you will," he explains.
"What happened to you? You used to be kind hearted?"
"Being kind hearted gets you sent to reform school. I've decided to do what I want when I want. Never apologize. Never explain," he retorts.
"When did you become such an asshole?"
"Paige I don't know if you noticed, but I'm a big deal around here. I can't be tied down. Not just yet anyway," he answers.
"Why don't you just leave Emily alone then? Why cause all this pain?" I ask.
"Cause at the end of the day, Emily is the kind of girl you marry and that's what I intend to do, eventually," he says.
I feel myself getting more enraged by the second. By this point I'm pacing back and forth. I keep clenching and unclenching my hand to keep from hitting something. Ben is sitting on his couch with a cool look of indifference. I don't know what pisses me off more. What he's done or the fact that he's so nonchalant about it.
"You stay the hell away from Emily, you hear me?" I say through clenched teeth.
He throws his head back in laughter.
"And if I don't Billy Badass, what are you going to do about it?" he taunts.
"Try me and find out," I threaten.
This causes him to raise from his seat and stand in my face. He has a few inches on me, but I don't back down.
"I'm not going to leave Emily alone and as a matter of fact your going to help me win her back. You owe me remember. I was the one who took the fall for you all those years ago. So what you're going to do is convince Emily of what a great guy I am and all the reasons she should stay with me," he says.
"She deserves so much more than you," I spit out.
"Oh and I guess you figure you're the one for the job? Don't kid yourself. All you'll ever be is a sorry substitute for the real thing," he says.
The fury I had been try to contain has managed to break free. I feel it bubbling up past my chest and through my arm. It escapes and finds release as my fist connects with Ben's jaw. He stumbles backward from shock as much as from the pain he must be feeling right now.
"Stay. Away. From her," I say very calmly.
I make my way out of his apartment. I aimlessly walk for fifteen minutes trying to collect myself. I'm trying to grasp the reality of what just happened. I'm brought out of my reverie by the buzzing of my phone. It's Hanna.
Haven't found Em yet but I'm home.
Ok I'm on my way over now.
Doors unlocked. Just come in when you get here.
I make it to their place in record time. I let myself in and Hanna is on her bed looking as worried as I feel.
"Whoa Paige what happened to your hand?" she asks.
I look down and notice that my knuckles are starting to bruise. With all the adrenaline coursing through my body, I didn't even notice the pain.
"Ben's face is what happened to it," I answer.
"As in your cousin Ben?" She questions.
I nod my head in the affirmative.
"Come on. Let me patch you up while you fill me in."
I go over the events of the previous evening as well as this afternoon. Hanna, for once is shocked into silence.
"I can't believe he's such a dirty dog. What are you going to do?" she asks.
"Only thing I can do. Be there for her the best I can," I respond.
"Yea about that. Do you want to tell me how long you've been in love with her?"
I sigh.
"That obvious huh?"
"Well babe you kind of let the entire cafe know the other night. Your song choice was anything but subtle," she replies.
"I've loved her for as long as I can remember Hanna. It's like she stole my heart from the moment I laid eyes on her and it's been in her possession ever since," I say.
"So why don't you do something about it?" she asks.
"I'm hardly the first lesbian to fall in love with her straight bestfriend. I'll just keep my secret desires to myself and move on with life," I answer.
"Oh your desires are not so secret my friend," she says.
"So I've heard. By the way, thanks for that pal," I say sarcastically.
"Look someone has to help the two of you see sense. If I have to be the one to knock your heads together than so be it," she says.
"Hanna what are you talking about?" I ask.
"I'm saying that I have a feeling that your affections for our lovely Ms. Fields aren't so one-sided," she elaborates.
I scoff incredulously.
"Doubt me if you will, but any fool with eyes can see the sparks the two of you generate when you're in a room together," she says.
"Ok let's say if, and that's a big if, Emily does feel the same way. I can't acting on anything now. She just broke up with her boyfriend. Oh and he just happens to be my cousin," I say.
"Understandable. Just promise me you won't wait too long. Cause the moment Emily comes to terms with who she is, every available lesbian on campus is going to be beating down our door," she points out.
I sit quietly while I ponder everything that Hanna has just said. We hangout a little while longer in hopes that Emily will turn up. When it appears that she's not coming home anytime soon, I decide to head home myself.
"Will you call me the minute you lay eyes on Emily?" I ask her.
"Of course. Make sure you do the same," she says.
We hug and once again I'm not able to quantify the amount of gratitude I have for Hanna.
"Thanks for everything," I tell her.
"Anything for my two favorite people."...
I journey back across campus to my place. My talk with Hanna helped calm my emotions, but didn't do anything for my nerves. I'm still a wreck with worry as to where she could be. I'm half way tempted to track Naya down and ask if she's heard from her. Thank goodness it doesn't have to come to that. Emily is sitting in the hall in front of my door looking as lovely as the first day we met.
"Hi," she says shyly.
"Em why are you waiting in the hall?" I ask.
"I don't know. I didn't feel right letting myself in," she answers
"Emily," I scold.
"I know, I know. That's the reason you gave me a key," she says.
I unlock my door and stand aside so she can enter. I lead her back to my bedroom so that we can have some privacy. She has a seat on my bed and I sit at my desk. I want to allow her the space to come to me on her own.
"I don't understand how he could do something like this to me," she whispers.
"Em," I say.
"I mean I know that there's been a little bit of strain between us lately, but not to the point that he'd feel the need to go outside our relationship. Did I not pay him enough attention?"
"Sweetie don't you dare blame yourself for anything that Ben has done. He's solely responsible for his actions. If he was unhappy he should have been man enough to come to you about it," I say.
I watch her from across the room as she shrinks more and more into herself. My heart is crumbling into a million pieces. I partially feel responsible for the current state she's in. Ever since Ben returned from reform school, he's been different. Over the years I've watched him become harder and colder little by little. If it wasn't for me, he never would have gotten sent there. On the other hand, if he hadn't gotten sent away, my friendship with Emily might not have blossomed the way it did. My beautiful Emily. I would gladly punch Ben again if it meant sparing her of all of this. I make my way over to the bed. I lay back against the headboard and pull her into me. She lays her head on my shoulder and buries her face in the crook of my neck. I'll be damned if my hormones don't go from zero to one hundred. I'm supposed to be consoling her and all I can think about is how right she feels pressed against me.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do," she says quietly.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"Where do I go from here? I never imagined my life without Ben. I feel so lost now," she bawls inconsolably.
I stroke her hair a place a tender kiss on her forehead.
"Let it all out honey. I got you."...
I don't know how much time has passed, but somewhere during the course of the afternoon we managed to fall asleep. I awake groggy and a little disoriented. The room is bathed in the soft light of dusk. I assume it must be early evening. I can feel the weight of Emily's body still pressed up against me. I also become acutely aware of Emily's hand that's managed to find its way under my shirt. I move slightly to adjust my position. I feel her nails lightly drag across my torso as she clutches my waist, posessively pulling me tighter into her. I'm becoming more and more conscious of the heat of her skin against mine. She shifts in her sleep and her fingertips graze the bottom of my bra. I clench my teeth in an attempt to stifle my moan. How is it that she's unconscious but is about to make me cum in my pants.
"Em," I say as I try to nudge her awake.
She mumbles something incoherent but doesn't wake up.
"Emily," I say again a little more forcefully.
She slowly starts to come alive. She blinks a couple of times before she realizes where her hand is. She jumps up and out of the bed like I have an infectious disease. I reach over to turn on the bedside lamp, effectively shattering the spell.
"I'm sorry Paige," she stutters.
She manages to look everywhere but at me.
"It's ok really," I say.
"It's late. Maybe I should go," she says.
"Em you don't have to go," I say.
"I haven't been home all day and I have a lot of stuff I need to do."
"Ok. Can we please meet in the morning? I miss running with you and I won't be able to function for the day unless I know you're alright," I say.
"Paige I don't know," she says.
"Please M&M," I implore.
I'm given the first genuine smile I've seen from her in a while.
"Ok. I'll see you bright and early," she replies.
I see her out and return to my room. I sprawl out on my bed and contemplate the current state of my life. What the hell am I going to do about everything?