A/N: Sorry for such a long wait between chapters. I've been working on this one for a WEEK now. It's an important chapter and I wanted to do it justice. Hope you guys enjoy what I came up with. Also, don't know if you've picked up on it yet or not, but I love music. I'm usually listening to it while I write. So you can blame/ thank whatever I happen to be listening to on the outcome of some of these chapters. Ok that's enough of that. On to the good stuff...
"Emily I thought you needed to leave?" Paige asks.
She's standing outside of her apartment door looking at me expectantly.
"I do need to go, but I couldn't bring myself to leave until I did this."
I pull her body tightly against mine and grab her face with both hands. We maintain eye contact until the moment the softest lips I've ever felt touch against mine. To say kissing Paige is heaven would be to grossly understate the magic of this moment. I'm lost in the subtle way she's breathing me in. She sucks my bottom lip into her mouth and I moan gently. I can't believe I've denied myself this for so long. I wish it could go on forever.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I blindly fumble around for my phone to silence the alarm. I blink a few times and allow my eyes to adjust to the early dawn light that's floating into the room. I'm still in the semi conscious state where my dream is ever present in the foreground of my mind yet at risk of escaping me at any moment. I'm trying to come to grips with what just played out in my subconscious. My brain might not be able to understand what was going on, but my body's reaction to my dream is very real. My heart is pounding like I just ran a marathon. Every one of my cells is vibrating with desire. I shake my head to rid it of the mental pictures that keep playing over and over. I glance across the room and see Hanna sound asleep like she hasn't a care in the world. I check the time and see that I have thirty minutes before I have to meet up with Paige. I decided to hop in the shower. Hopefully the hot water can wash away these feelings...
I have my earbuds in and the volume is blasting. I'm hoping the sounds of BANKS can drown out my agonizing introspection. I'm trying to push the events of yesterday and this morning as far away from the forefront of my thoughts as possible. I agreed to take Paige up on her offer to go running this morning because I have sincerely missed her. We haven't run together in forever and I thought it would be a good idea. A chance for us to possibly reconcile all the lost time between us. It's proving to be the opposite. The shower I took did nothing to help my current state of yearning. Maybe I should have opted for a cold one. Paige is a couple of paces ahead of me. I'm trying to concentrate on my steps, but all I find myself doing is admiring her ass in the extremely tight running pants she has on. Each stride has her cheeks moving in a rhythm that's utterly hypnotic. My body is still humming from the position we found ourselves in yesterday evening, not to mention my dream. It felt so good to be touching her like that, but at the same time it felt so inappropriate. She's my best friend for goodness sakes. Not to mention I have no idea what to make of the current condition of my relationship with Ben. With everything that's going on, we still haven't gotten the chance to address her feelings for me. If Hanna is right and Paige does love me, how will that affect us? Would she be okay with us solely being friends? Could our friendship survive this admission knowing that deep down, she wants more than I'm willing to give? Is friendship all that I'm willing to give? Am I being truthful with myself about how I feel for Paige? These and a myriad of other question plague me as we continue down our route. We reach our turnaround point and stop for a second. Paige removes her own earbuds and studies me for a moment.
"Do you want to take a break?" she asks.
"Sure," I reply.
She takes a drink from her water bottle and passes it to me so that I can do the same.
I see she has this serious expression on her face and I can tell something is troubling her. I'm pretty sure I know what it is, but I don't know if I'm ready to deal with it yet. I decide to bite the bullet and just ask.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't know if this is a conversation either one of us is ready to have," she answers.
"Well we can't keep ignoring it. That won't make it go away," I say.
"I'm fine with pretending if you are," she says.
"Paige."
"What Emily? What do you want from me?" she asks exasperated.
"I want to know the truth," I tell her.
"The truth about what?" she asks.
"Stopping being purposely clueless," I say.
"Then I'm going to need for you to say it," she demands.
"Are you in love with me?" I ask.
She looks at me square on and I swear the world around us stands still. It's like the universe knows something momentous is about to happen that will forever change the course of our lives. I return her gaze. Neither one of us backs down. I'm silently willing her not to tell me anything but the truth. I can see by the steely determination on her face that she intends on doing just that.
"Yes."
It's a simple answer, yet it carries so much weight. Who knew that three letters could be so profound. I wrap my mind around her answer while I try to formulate my questions.
"Since when?" I ask.
"Emily there's never been a moment that I haven't loved you," she says.
"Why haven't you ever said anything?"
"What good would that have done? You're not gay. The only thing it would have accomplished is putting a strain on our relationship. And going by the tension between us these last few weeks, I think my point has been proven," she answers.
I think back over the last few weeks and it's all starting to make sense. The looks and touches. The need to be anywhere but alone with me. The subsequent distance between us. She's been struggling with her feelings while I've been completely unsuspecting. The reality of the situation we've found ourselves in hits me hard. It's almost too much to bear and I can't deal with the magnitude of it. So I do what I know how to do best. I run.
"I think we should head back. We've been still for too long and I don't want our muscles to get stiff," I say.
"Seriously Emily? I expose my soul to you. Put my biggest secret out there for your scrutiny and all you can think about is not getting sore?" she asks incredulously.
"Paige I need some time. Can we please just finish our run?"
I don't wait for her response as I turn around. I place my earbuds back in and turn the volume up louder. I sympathizes with the singers desire to be in love and not cause any pain. Yeah you and me both...
When Paige and I return from our run we part ways with nothing more than a head nod to each other. I make my way to my room fighting the urge to scream or cry or who knows what. Hanna is still asleep, blissfully unaware of my inner turmoil. I grab my things and manage to compose myself long enough to make it to the showers. I turn on the faucet and step inside. The warm water cascades over me and I can feel the floodgates open. I'm overcome by the intensity of what just happened between Paige and I. Do I dare to even contemplate the possibility of her and I being together? And what does that say about me? Lately I've been grappling with things about myself that I couldn't explain before. Not so much that I couldn't explain them, but more so that I've been unwilling to admit them. Allowing myself to reciprocate Paige's feelings means I have to give light to some hard truths. I turn off the water and barely drag myself from the shower. I dry, dress and make my way back to my room. I open the door and see Hanna sitting in her bed looking bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Was your morning torture session with Paige that bad?" she asks.
"Why do you say that?"
"Because, and I mean no offense sweetie, you look like hell," she answers.
"Gee thanks Hanna," I reply.
"Hey no need to get all sensitive. You know I like to tell it like it is," she says.
"Sure, whatever," I say.
I turn to my side of the room and go about the task of straightening up. I open and reopen drawers, looking for things I know aren't there. I'm in and out of my closet. I've remade my bed about three times. Anything to keep my hands and my mind from being idle. Hanna is a silent witness to all of my mindless busy work. She's quiet for as about as long as I expect her to be before she starts with her inquisition.
"So...," she starts.
I look over my shoulder to let her know I'm listening.
"Did you and Paige talk about anything interesting?" she asks.
I turn around and flop down on my bed. How can Hanna know something happened between the two of us? I swear I've never been this transparent in my life, but when it comes to Hanna, I may as well be an open book.
"She admitted that she's in love with me and has felt that way for pretty much our entire friendship," I say.
Hanna gets the biggest smile on her face. She starts to jump up and down on her bed like she's a kid on christmas morning.
"Oh. My. Gosh! It's about time McCullers!" she exclaims.
"Wait, what? How long have you known?" I ask.
"Babe I've known since the moment I laid eyes on the two of you together. I could tell that there was something more than friendship there regardless of what you told everyone or yourselves for that matter," she says.
I look at her dumbfounded. Have I really been that blind for all of this time.
"Why are you so excited about all of this?" I question.
"What's not to be excited about? That loser Ben is out of the picture and my two favorite people finally know how they feel about each other. Now everyone can live happily ever after. My fairy godmother work is done," she smiles.
"Correction, I know how she feels about me. I have no clue how I feel about her," I say.
"I think you do and you're just afraid to say it cause if you admit it out loud that means you have to be truthful about who you are," she says.
"And what would that be? That I'm gay?"
She just looks at me thoughtfully.
"I can't be gay Hanna," I say.
"Why not?" she inquires.
"Because what would people think of me?"
"Screw what anybody has to say. At the end of the day it's your happiness at stake, not theirs. Besides it won't matter to the people who really love you," she states.
"Hanna you don't know the family I come from. My parents are going to freak if I'm gay," I explain.
"But you told me they love Paige."
"They do love Paige, but she isn't their daughter. It's easy to love the gay kid when she isn't yours," I say.
"Honey I find it hard to believe that the same people who raised the remarkable human being in front of me will do anything less than love and accept you. No matter what you might do or say," she says.
"Well I'm not even sure what to call it myself. So sue me for not wanting to throw a parade through town proclaiming my new found sexuality. Besides, things with Ben and I are still up in the air," I say.
"Up in the air?" Babe what is there to discuss? His cheating ass has been exposed. Only thing left to do is diss and dismiss him right to the curb," she says.
"I need some closure. I want to know why. I've always felt like he had wants that I couldn't fulfill," I say.
"What kind of wants, Em?" she asks.
I can feel the embarrassment start to rise on my face.
"I don't know. Things always seemed so difficult for us in the physical sense," I explain.
She squints her eyes like she's trying to process what I'm saying. Her eyes go wide when it finally dawns on her what I'm trying to get across.
"Oh! So you guys never..."
"Yes but only twice. I don't know what would happen when things started to get hot between us. We would be kissing and touching and I felt like I wanted to do more. But when it came down to it, I wasn't as excited as I thought I should be," I say.
"Was he your first?" she asks.
"Yes and I attributed the first time to it just being my nerves. When we tried again and it was the same, I just figured something was wrong with me," I clarify.
"Even if things weren't working out for you two on that front, it still isn't a justification for cheating," she says.
"I just need to hear his reasons. Maybe he has a good explanation," I say.
"I doubt that, but do what you need to do to move on. Just promise me that you won't let your fear lead you to do something irrational," she says.
I look at her, but I don't reply. I don't want to promise her something when I don't have a clue what I'm going to do.
"I think I need a nap. That run did a little more to me than I thought it did," I say.
"Okay. I'm going to head to the showers. I need to start my day."
She'd grabs her things and heads to the door. Before she leaves the room she turns around to me one last time.
"Em you know I'm here for you no matter what right?" she asks.
I nod my head yes. Now if only I can sort myself out enough to voice my emotions. I close my eyes and welcome the sweet peace that sleep brings...
My nap is anything but serene. I toss and turn for the majority of it. After an hour of fitful restlessness, I decide to get up and do something productive. I get out of bed and start to pace back and forth. I am a bundle of nervous energy and I don't know what to do about it. I need to do something before I lose my mind. Hanna is gone. I check my phone and notice I have 10 missed calls and about as many texts. All of them are from Ben with the exception of the one from my mom. I'm in no condition to speak to either one of them. I decide to grab my things and head to the pool. I might as well put all of this anxiety to good use...
The minute my body hits the water, I feel an instant calm come over me. I don't know what it is, but being in the water has always had a way of bring everything into prospective for me. I slice through the pool and let my instincts kick into auto pilot. Here in my element, the mountain that is in front of me doesn't seem so daunting. I can't deny that I feel something more for Paige. She'll look at me a certain way and I'll get butterflies in my stomach. She makes me feel so wonderfully special in only a way that she can. I keep asking myself is it worth it. Is taking a chance to be with her worth risking eight years of friendship? What if she's not my forever love? Not only would I lose my girlfriend, but I'd lose my best friend as well. I couldn't take not having Paige in my life. I've barely been able to manage the recent distance between us and it's only been a few weeks. I push harder and contemplate going a few more laps. Whatever I decide, it'll have to be soon. I can't handle much more of this emotional limbo.
When I leave the Natatorium, Ben is standing outside waiting for me. I guess he had enough of waiting for me to come to him.
"What do you want Ben?" I ask.
"Can we go somewhere and talk please?" he pleads.
"What is there to talk about? I think you sucking in half of Alison's face pretty much said it all," I say vehemently.
"Please Emily?" he begs.
I could never deny him anything. Even when he's not deserving of my mercy. I concede to his request.
"Ok but make it quick," I say.
We make the short walk to his place in silence. When we arrive I take a seat on the lounge chair. I don't want to give him the opportunity to get any closer to me than he has to be.
"First let me tell you from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry for hurting you. I never meant to cause you any pain," he says.
"Then why'd you do it Ben?" I ask.
"Because I'm a jerk that's why. I got caught up in the bright lights of being big man on campus and lost sight of what's important," he explains.
"And what's important to you?"
"You, us. I'll give anything in this world to make things right between us," he says.
He puts his head down in his hands and begins to weep. I came over here with the intentions to get closure and to tell him to go straight to hell. Seeing his display of emotion is starting to work on my resolve. In the seven years I've known him, I don't think I've ever seen him cry. He must be feeling some type of remorse to be so emotionally vulnerable. He gets on his knees in front of me and looks up at me with the most pained expression I've ever seen.
"Please tell me it isn't too late for us, Em. Tell me what it is you want me to do and I swear I'll do it. I love you with all my heart and soul. Please let me fix this," he implores.
"Ben I need some time to think ok," I tell him.
"Take as much time as you need. I'll be here whenever you're ready," he says.
I get up to leave. I don't know what's going on today, but it's about to drive me to drink...
I managed to make it a whole week without being alone with Paige. I'm not ready to confront any of the emotions she's brought to the surface. I've been grateful that we've both had busy schedules. Training for our swim competion has taken up the majority of our time. We're on the bus on our way back from our meet now. Coach took notice of my extra effort and allowed me to anchor the relay this time around. Even though we put up a strong performance in many of the races, we couldn't quite overcome our opponent to win the meet. The mood on the bus is kind of morose because of it. Paige and Shana are seated together near the front of the bus. The heads are closed together as they converse. They're probably plotting on how to take over the world. I let the music in my ear take me on a magical journey as we trek back to campus. I make it a point to ensure I'm the last one off of the bus. I don't feel like talking to anyone. I just want to head back to my room and sleep. When I disembark, Paige is standing a few feet away clearly waiting for me.
"We need to talk," she commands.
"What is it with your family and ambushing me?" I ask.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing," I say.
I follow her over to a nice grassy area. She places her back against a tree and regards me with an intense stare. I can take it for only so long before I look away. She places her hand under my chin and brings my eyes to met hers.
"Em please don't look away," she says.
I swallow the lump that's in my throat and allow her to continue.
"I've tried to be patient and allow you the time you needed, but I can't wait anymore. I need to know what's going on with us," she says.
"I don't know," I say.
"But I think you do. Em I know I'm not the only one the feels this magnetic pull that exists between us. No matter what's going on in my life, I always gravitate towards you," she says.
I'm left speechless by her emotional honest.
"What are you afraid of?" she asks.
"Everything! What will people say? What if we don't make it? Do you know how terrifying the thought of living my life without you is?" I confess.
"But what if we do make it? What if we allow ourselves to be tremendously happy and feel the joy that we can only get from each other?" she asks.
"Paige I can't," I say.
"Kiss me."
"What?!" I exclaim.
"Kiss me just once. If you don't feel anything, then I'll drop this and we can act like it never happened," she explains.
I bite my lip unsure if I should go through with it. Paige doesn't give me much time to reconsider. In a matter of seconds she's standing within a breath of me. She tucks a stray hair behind my ear as her tongue peeks out to wet her lips. I watch her move in slow motion towards me and I wait with bated breath. Then it happens. It's kind of timid at first, like she can't believe she's kissing me. I can feel her get bolder as her hand tangles in my hair while the other one is on my hip pulling me closer to her. I'm brought back to the dream I had. Was that only just a week ago that my imagination was compelling me to do just this? If I'm being honest, this is a thousand times better than my dream. I feel her moan into my mouth and the electric current that's been coursing through me ramps up to another level. The need for oxygen forces me to pull away. Paige doesn't open her eyes.
"Emily," she whispers.
"Paige. Please just give me a little more time okay?" I plead.
I walk away from her with a heavy heart. I open my phone and send a text to Ben.
Can I see u? We need to talk.