CHAPTER 16
With her big sister and hero in Kagami missing for an entire week, the one that was hurt the most was without a doubt Tsukasa. She couldn't go one whole day without shedding tears for her sister and she also couldn't go a single twenty-four hour period without checking in her sister's room, expecting her to be there. It was Tsukasa who was scheduled to see Dr. Nagisa Kishimoto alone next time, but the youngest Hiiragi girl already knew that there were no words of comfort any licensed therapist could say that would make her feel better. Tsukasa's only desire now was so simple, yet it was still unattainable. All she wanted was Kagami home again with her.
When it was her turn to sit down one-on-one with Kishimoto, Tsukasa mimicked one of Kagami's first symptoms after Matsuri's death. She completely clammed up and didn't want to say a word. Even when she brought her stuffed plush puppy that Kishimoto gave her during their first session, it still only served as a comfort object rather than a transitional one. The psychologist understood how fragile and docile Tsukasa was so she turned the therapy session into small talk, which was able to get Tsukasa to open up a bit. Still, Tsukasa couldn't talk about what she was feeling when it came to Kagami so Kishimoto kept the subjects trivial to keep Tsukasa comfortable, such as her interests in cooking. The two even shared a few cooking secrets with each other, thus furthering Tsukasa's trust in the doctor.
Regardless of their bettering relationship, Tsukasa was still happy when their time was up and she could leave the therapist's office. She didn't tell this to Kishimoto, but she was looking forward to the end of their appointment because she was going to meet a friend at a café to talk. Tsukasa trusted the licensed psychologist and everything, but this one friend she was going to see meant more to her because of how long they've known each other and this was the person who Tsukasa felt that she could truly divulge everything to.
Tsukasa arrived at the café first and was only alone for a few minutes until she felt the presence of another person behind her and she turned around to see Konata with a smile on her face and she held two parfaits in her hand. Tsukasa nearly leaped out of her seat to hug Konata as the two friends were becoming closer and closer. Konata was the type of friend that would always be there to help pick up the pieces of a shattered family and even do whatever she could to help them rebuild it. She cared so much for the Hiiragi family, Kagami especially and she was wise enough to know how much the twin-tailed girl meant to Tsukasa so Konata knew Tsukasa really needed her.
"Thank you for seeing me, Kona-chan." Tsukasa said happily as Konata slid her one of the fruit parfaits to her while she sat down with the other.
Konata nodded with a smile. "No worries, Tsukasa. So how have you been holding up?"
Tsukasa sighed and shrugged. "Well, my family has been going to therapy."
Konata lifted her eyebrows. She didn't know what to make of the confession but regardless couldn't judge the Hiiragi family nor could she blame them. "How has that been going?"
"I don't really like it that much but it means a lot to my mom so I'm not complaining. I don't like it because it seems that it's not helping us find Kagami. It's just helping us deal with her gone, as if she's already gone forever and now we need to cope with the loss." Tsukasa confessed. "Kagami is still out there somewhere. I just know it and I want to find her so much but…but…but I don't know where or how to do it."
Tsukasa's tears abruptly returned and she took a napkin and dabbed them quickly before anyone else in the café saw as Konata watched keenly. Konata took a breath and replied, "Tsukasa, we all know Kagami is still out there somewhere…but something is telling me that if you do go searching for her and by some miracle you do find her, you won't like what you find."
Tsukasa still maintained her childlike innocence and stared blankly at Konata. "What do you mean, Kona-chan? She's my sister. I'll be the happiest girl in the world if I found her."
Despite the fact that Konata still presented her usual and happy persona, it was taking a lot of strength on her part to keep that side of her alive. Konata still remembered the last time they saw each other outside the mall and Kagami said she was going home to make things right and she was optimistic, but still real about it. She had a sinking feeling it was too good to be true but she still prayed for the best but mentally prepared herself for the worst. When Tsukasa called her and told her that Kagami yelled at them and even hit her, Konata knew her instincts were right.
Kagami was suffering deeply from everything going on in her life and she went crawling back to the sources of her drug addiction because she believed she needed them to survive. When anyone was suffering through drug addiction, there was no lighter side to it and it was a never-ending downward slope. Konata wasn't an exact scholar of the streets but it was still common sense to her that basic economic supply and demand concepts applied to the underground drug world. Drugs were expensive, which led to Kagami stealing from her family and from strangers. Sooner or later there wouldn't be anything left to steal and the only thing left to acquire income was the use of her own body. Konata couldn't and didn't even want to imagine what Tsukasa's reaction would be if she somehow found her sister with some sleaze-ball who was besmirching her body for a price.
"I know you'll be happy when you find her but Tsukasa…your sister isn't well." Konata said with remorse. "I fear that she's doing things other than drugs that are hurting her."
Tsukasa tilted her head. "What could possibly be worse than doing drugs?"
Konata didn't want to be the one who would strip Tsukasa of her innocence so she took control of the situation and guided it away from the subject. She always found that the best way to redirect a conversation was to answer a question with another question. "Just trust me on this. There are a lot of bad things out there but I want you to remember that your sister is very strong both physically and mentally and she still loves you. Are you still mad about when she slapped you?"
Tsukasa quickly shook her head. "No and I was never mad. I was scared and I was hurt but I could never be mad at sis. I know what you mean when you say that Kagami isn't well but that's not going to stop me from doing all that I can from helping her. She was always there for me and I cannot fail her now."
Konata nodded while sliding a spoonful of her parfait into her mouth. "You know that you can count on me to be there when you find her, right?"
Tsukasa smiled. "I know, and thank you, Kona-chan. You're a great friend."
The blue-haired girl smiled back. "You know my dad saw a therapist for awhile after my mom died."
Tsukasa tilted her head again while giving an emotional sigh. "Really? Did…did it help him?"
Konata rolled her eyes. "With the way he thinks and acts nowadays I can't help but speculate that that therapist got his license from a cereal box and to me it's nothing short of a miracle that Yu-chan is still innocent."
The youngest Hiiragi girl giggled.
"Anyway it did help him cope with my mom's death. I don't really remember much after she died but I do remember seeing him cry a few times over her. The therapist was able to convince him that what happened wasn't his fault because he blamed himself for her death even though there wasn't anything he could've done." Konata reminisced. "My point is that I really want you to try and keep giving it a chance. If your mom thinks that it's a good idea then listen to her. You know she loves you and only wants the best for you, right?"
Tsukasa nodded with a smile. "I do. It's just that I worry about her and her relationship with Kagami."
"Why's that?"
"I worry about that because it seems that it has always been distant. Kagami was always closer to either me or our dad over mom and I still can't get that fight she had with her out of my mind. Mom was very upset about Kagami stealing those things…but if I was a mother and I had a child that was in Kagami's predicament, I would cast all my material possessions to the curb to help them." Tsukasa said with emotion in her voice towards the end.
"I know Tsukasa, I know. All you know how to give is love." Konata replied.
The two friends ate the rest of their parfaits until an idea came to Tsukasa. There was a place she wanted to go and she wanted Konata to come with. "Wanna go for a walk, Kona-chan?"
The two friends always enjoyed each other's company and today was no exception. Konata found herself gravitating closer to the Hiiragi family in lieu of these horrible occurrences befalling them and she wanted to be the person to swoop in like a superhero to rescue and protect them. As they walked, the blue-haired girl assumed that Tsukasa was taking her to a place she always liked to visit. Tsukasa was an endless people pleaser and never spoke up to voice something she wanted to do and the first thing Konata had on her mind was a bakery or something of that sort. Konata was taken back a bit when their destination turned out to be a familiar cemetery. The same cemetery where Matsuri Hiiragi was buried.
Tsukasa led the way across the stone path with the rows of headstones to their left and right. While they neared Matsuri's burial place, Konata asked, "Do you come here often?"
The youngest Hiiragi twin nodded. "At least once a week since it happened. I've been coming here twice a week since Kagami confessed about her drug abuse to pray."
"What do you pray for?"
"I pray for Matsuri's soul to visit Kagami and help her. I pray that she'll be able to help Kagami stop all of this before something horrible happens to her." Tsukasa replied softly and her emotions began mounting when they reached the row where her late sister rested.
The two friends walked up a grassy mound and stopped when they stood above the headstone that bore the name Matsuri Hiiragi. Tsukasa couldn't contain herself any longer but felt safe with Konata in her presence so she didn't try to hide her tears. Konata simply stood with quiet dignity and respect for the departed as Tsukasa slowly lowered herself to her knees and gently touched the large marble stone.
"…Matsuri…" she began weakly. "I'm here with my best friend in the whole world today because Kagami means a lot to her too. I want you to know that I love you and I miss you every day. I pray to you…please forgive sis for what she's doing and please…please watch over her. Please help guide her back to the light that is our love for her. Please help her."
"Amen." Konata said sincerely, making Tsukasa slowly turn her head and look up at her. Tsukasa smiled as she wiped a tear away and slowly stood.
Konata walked Tsukasa out of the cemetery and back towards the Hiiragi household. As they left the hallowed ground, Konata once again took control of their conversation to make it more about Tsukasa to cheer her up.
"So could you explain that whole balsamic vinegar thing to me again?" She asked.
Tsukasa merely chuckled again.
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When Tsukasa arrived back home later that day, she was once again met with the challenge of coming home without Kagami by her side. As a result of her newfound habit, Tsukasa still climbed the stairs and entered Kagami's bedroom just to be sure. Once she was met with an empty room yet again, her depression returned and she returned downstairs where the rest of her family was waiting.
"How was your time with Konata-chan?" Miki asked as Tsukasa took a seat in the living room where Inori and Tadao watched the television.
Tsukasa nodded while replying, "It was very nice. She's a great friend."
Miki smiled back but before she could reply, Inori spoke up. "Hey Tsukasa, your other friend named Takara lives in the Azabu area, right?"
Tsukasa nodded and glanced at the television where it was tuned to a news station.
"Then take a look at this." Inori replied and everyone turned their attention back to the news and saw a reporter with his microphone talking to the camera.
"Azabu has always been an upscale neighborhood with a low level of crime but in recent weeks, an unusual spike in theft has struck this area and the most recent case is quite disturbing. According to police, a man and his wife were awakened by the man's Mercedes' car alarm and when he investigated, he discovered two young women dressed in black with ski masks trying to steal his car's GPS." The reporter informed. "When he tried to intervene, a third thief attacked him and bludgeoned him with a crowbar, allowing him and his two female accomplices to flee. Police tried to revive the man but he was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics." The reporter informed. "In other news, police have also informed us that an increase in drug activity in the streets of Saitama's Aku District. Aku District is infamous for its high crime rate, most notably drugs and prostitution…"
The reporter's words became background noise when the family lost interest as soon as the news turned away from Miyuki's neighborhood and they continued talking. Inori informed the family that she had made plans with some friends so she would be out late while Miki and Tadao originally had dinner reservations for themselves. Hearing that their oldest daughter wasn't going to be around was about to put a damper on their dinner because they didn't want their youngest to be alone. They all knew how much Kagami meant to Tsukasa so they tried to not leave her alone as much as possible.
Tsukasa on the other hand maintained that she was okay and that she didn't want anyone to cancel their plans because of her. That was simply the kind of person she was. She didn't want to be responsible for being the wet blanket and she encouraged everyone to proceed with what they wanted to do that night. As Inori left the living room setting to freshen up, nobody noticed the news was still on and the story shifted to a press interview with the police chief of Saitama.
"So I ask the good people of Saitama to stay extra vigilant and to be on the lookout for these two criminals. If you see any of them, please contact the police immediately. Do not try to approach them or apprehend them in any way as they are to be considered armed and extremely dangerous." The man in the decorated uniform said. "These two criminals are wanted in connection with crimes that range from murder, racketeering, illicit gambling, drug smuggling, allegations of animal cruelty, and prostitution."
No one was watching the television screen when two wanted posters were projected on the screen that showed the images of Yuka Miyakawa and Ryuji Katsumoto.
The four person Hiiragi family continued to go about the rest of their day while trying their best to pretend that everything was normal and status quo. Each day they went without hearing from Kagami though made it harder and harder for them to keep up the charade. They wanted to believe that any day she would simply come home and they could be a whole family again or the police would be able to give them news about her. However, they didn't want to hear any news from them as they knew they would only hear from them if the Hiiragi family needed to come down to the city morgue to identify Kagami's body. They also knew that the police weren't able to do much period. A girl running away from home that was a legal adult and had a clean criminal record didn't exactly rank high in a police department's list of prioritized crimes.
By six o'clock that night, Miki and Tadao left their home for their dinner and Tsukasa was alone in the house. She sat in front of the television and tried to watch more news, something she only did with Kagami. Watching it and trying to comprehend all of it was like watching a television after the cable would go out and they would be left with a fuzzy screen. It was boring and difficult for the youngest Hiiragi to understand without Kagami there to explain the gist of the complicated issues, especially when it came to politics or the economy. Regardless, she wanted to keep trying because unfortunately, this was the only activity left Tsukasa could think of that she could share with Kagami, even though she wasn't there.
Tsukasa could now see why her twin always hated being alone and what it was like to be lonely. As hard as she tried to put herself in Kagami's shoes in the past, Tsukasa had to admit that she never felt alone before whether it was at school, at home, or in public. Now that Tsukasa's own safety blanket was taken away from her, she felt exposed and paranoid without Kagami by her side, even though she was in the sanctuary of her own home where she still knew nothing but endless love and support. The youngest Hiiragi girl sighed and concluded that this quest in watching and understanding the news was a losing battle so she turned the television off with the remote and sighed again. She rested her head on her arm as she sat at the table and fought the urge to cry.
The sudden sound of the front door unlocking and opening kept Tsukasa's tears at bay and she believed that her parents or Inori had returned home early. She slowly stood and walked towards the foyer and asked in general, "Did you forget something?"
Tsukasa didn't hear another door open and close quickly as she rounded the corner and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw who was in her home. Kagami stood before her in the foyer. Tsukasa nearly screamed out in terror as she didn't recognize her older sister at first with her recently dyed black hair with a dirty red colored pigtail and believed an intruder was in the house. Kagami's wardrobe was also surprisingly plain as she wore a blue tracksuit covering both her legs and torso. The twin-tailed girl stood in the foyer making eye contact with Tsukasa until Kagami couldn't help but form a misshaped smile.
"Hello…Tsukasa…"
Tsukasa felt her knees vibrate and her heart raced inside her chest as she gulped. Now she truly felt like crying as she slowly moved forward, praying this wasn't a hallucination somehow brought on by extreme depression. Kagami remained still and allowed Tsukasa to keep approaching her as her small trembling hands lifted up and expressed their vast desire to touch her. Kagami tried her best to hide the emotional scars and trauma after being touched another way so many times throughout today and allowed her sister's hands to make contact with her cheeks.
When Tsukasa felt that her sister's presence was real, she couldn't contain herself any longer. The youngest Hiiragi leaped forward and hugged her sister tightly, instantly making Kagami cringe at the intrusive embrace but she knew Tsukasa was her sister and not a paying customer. Tsukasa didn't know it, but today was a dreadful turning point for the twin-tailed girl and Kagami learned several new skills; the likes of which would never be welcomed in the Hiiragi household. Kagami however knew that she needed to use them on her sister if she wanted to keep getting her fix while working for the money in the process.
"Sis…you smell…funny." Tsukasa whispered as she sniffed her sister's hair, making Kagami's eyes go big and she hoped that Tsukasa wouldn't feel her rapid heartbeat. "And…and what did you do to your hair…and why is it sticky and crusty in some parts? Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay. Please tell me you're not taking those horrible things anymore."
Tsukasa discontinued the hug and took a few steps back while still holding her sister's hands. Kagami took a deep breath and said, "We need to talk."
Tsukasa agreed and the twins took their spot on their knees around the table that sat in the living room where Tsukasa was watching television alone only a few minutes ago. As they sat, Tsukasa reached into her pocket and quickly pulled out her pink cell phone and readied herself to send a text message. She informed, "I'm gonna text Kona-chan so she knows you're home and safe."
Before Tsukasa could start typing the message, her sister's hand stretched out and covered the phone. Tsukasa looked up and saw Kagami with a serious expression on her face that was followed up by her shaking her head. The younger twin was able to read her sister's body language and she slowly put it back in her pocket. Whatever Kagami wanted to say to her, it was clear that it was important to her and it needed to be expressed now.
"Now first off, I want you to know how much I love you, Tsukasa, and I'm so sorry for slapping you." Kagami began emotionally. "I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty messed up and that I've done a lot of…horrible things so far. But I'm going to get better."
Tsukasa's smile nearly exploded. "Re…really, sis?!"
Kagami nodded. "But I'm going to need your help."
"Of course! I'll do anything for you, Kagami! I love you so much and I just want us to be a family again! That's all I want!" Tsukasa happily exclaimed in a mess of joyous tears. "Mom and dad have been talking about different rehab resorts for you and we've been seeing a family therapist so you can come with us to the next appointment! I'll be right there holding your hand every step of the way and I'll never let you know another lonely day ever again!"
As Tsukasa was bursting with eccentric enthusiasm, Kagami remained cold and clammy towards her sister. She slowly looked up and replied, "I'm afraid I cannot and I will not do any of that, Tsukasa."
Tsukasa's hopes were iced when she heard her sister retort this way but nonetheless continued to sit and listen to her.
"Tsukasa…I have a problem…and I'm going to take care of it on my own. I can't do this if I have mom and dad or Inori or some shrink breathing down my neck all the time. I promise you I can do this…but I need your help. You cannot tell mom and dad or anyone else for that matter that I'm back home." Kagami said, making Tsukasa gasp. "There's also going to have to be a few changes around here if I'm going to get better. Every now and then from now on, you're going to hear some very strange sounds coming from my room and sometimes you'll also probably hear me making some of those…strange sounds. So from now on, whenever you hear anything coming from my room, do not, under any circumstances, go in there. Understand?"
It was Kagami's strictness and firmness in her voice that penetrated deep into Tsukasa's head and it even frightened her. She wanted to believe that her sister was telling her the truth and that she truly wanted to get clean. Because of how much she loved and respected Kagami, she reluctantly agreed to not only hide her from the rest of the family, but to also stay out of her room whenever she heard anything bizarre. Tsukasa still had no idea that she was being manipulated by her drug-addicted sister who was feeding off her trust so Kagami could not only continue her drug abuse privately in her room and have a comfortable place to stay once in awhile, but also turn it into a place to host her prostitution activities.
"Sis…I want to help you…but could you please tell me…why can't I go in your room? What if I have a bad dream again? I'll be scared and alone." Tsukasa's innocent voice even dropped hints of fear over the new requests from Kagami.
Kagami gulped. "No Tsukasa, I cannot tell you why. Just please, take my word for it."
The last thing I want to do is give her more reasons to go to therapy which is what'll happen if she goes in there when I'm with a client.
Tsukasa mimicked Kagami's gulp and she had to admit that she was now scared. Regardless, her aching heart so desperately wanted Kagami back in its life that she blindly and naively believed that Kagami was establishing these new rules for her own safety and that they would further her sister's quest of self-recovery.
"Oh…okay…are there…are there any others?" Tsukasa weakly asked.
Kagami nodded. "If I tell you to leave me alone or not to talk to me or even not to look at me, I expect you to do just that. My…recovery and withdrawal…will be very ugly things so the last thing I want to do is to say or do something to you that I'll later regret."
Tsukasa's heart and soul continued to cringe with pain as she began to tremble. "Do something…to me? You mean…hurt me again?"
"It is possible…or worse." Kagami's voice suddenly changed and dropped a bitter vibe, once again frightening the youngest Hiiragi.
Tsukasa slowly raised her hands up and began to play with her fingers to combat her rising nerves. "Sis…please don't hurt me again. I love you and I just want to help you. I would do anything for you."
Kagami saw that she had established enough new ground rules for tonight and that she needed Tsukasa's blind innocence and trust in order for her to keep living her sordid lifestyle. The twin-tailed girl was able to keep her manipulative persona going by returning to her former self and gave comfort to Tsukasa. She opened her arms and Tsukasa wasted no time in crawling over to her and Kagami held Tsukasa tightly in her lap while the youngest continued to sob both in conflicted happiness and uncertainty. For now she had Kagami home and that was all she cared about. The twin-tailed girl continued to rock her sister and hum for her until Tsukasa fell asleep in Kagami's arms, just as she wanted.
When Tsukasa was completely out, Kagami gently rested her body on the soft floor and covered her with a blanket and propped her head on a pillow. Kagami then began to move throughout the house and she began eyeing all the lamps and lights in the house. She unscrewed some of the light bulbs and carried them with her back to the foyer, where the jacket closet also stood. Before Tsukasa rounded the corner earlier to see her sister again, she didn't notice that as soon as Kagami entered, she quickly threw a black bag into the closet to hide it. Kagami abruptly retrieved it and carried it and the light bulbs into her room.
She quickly sat on the bed and dropped the light bulbs in the drawer of her nightstand and curled into a ball as she sat on her bed. Knowing that she could drop the act, she began breathing deeply as the acts she committed throughout the day continued to replay before her eyes like an unholy slideshow. She rocked back and forth while pulling her knees tighter to her chest and didn't notice that she was beginning to drool on herself as a result of her heavy breathing through her gritted teeth.
"Seventeen men. I let seventeen men fuck me today." Kagami hissed to herself while exhaling loudly. "Sometimes Yuka would be involved in the acts…sometimes she would just sit back and watch it happen to me. My privates…I can't feel them anymore. They're numb…just like me. It's okay though. It's okay…it's okay…it's okay…it's okay…it's okay…it's okay. It's okay because I have you now. My best friend…"
Kagami turned her attention back to the bag and quickly unzipped it, revealing an incredible bounty of drugs filling the entire bag and making it incredibly heavy to carry. Small baggies of crack, cocaine, and heroin sat in the bag and were accompanied by syringes, as well as prescription bottles filled to the top with ecstasy, LSD, and other hallucinogens and narcotics. A new drug that was introduced to Kagami today was also sitting in different bags and Kagami scooped it up and held it to her face and stared in admiring awe of the diamond-like rocks known as crystal meth.
A twisted and frightening smile formed across her face as she fished in her bag and retrieved a glass pipe and lighter to commence her drug abuse. Kagami opened her bedroom window and took a seat below it and began to pour the rocks into her pipe. Before she started the ugly process all over again, she unzipped her tracksuit top and took it off, revealing her dark clothes that were stained by a dried liquid and she also removed her pants, allowing her black and red skirt to dangle freely and reveal the discolored marks on her legs drifting upwards towards her private parts. She once again lit up and started breathing in the toxic smoke the drugs produced and exhaled it upward and let the breeze carry it away.
Kagami's dysfunction deepened and would only get worse.
As she felt her high returning, Kagami whispered to herself, "I'm high, dirty, smell terrible because of those perverts, and I'm manipulating my twin sister so I can keep doing these things…and yet…why am I starting to like it so much…?"